Discussing the severity of the flu for the elderly when my grandpa asks if we've heard of the Amish flu...

You get a little buggy and hoarse.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/McFemale
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2013
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I know several jokes in sign language

I guarantee you,no one has ever heard them before.

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2020
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My doctor just diagnosed me with a severe lack of awareness.

Man! That came out of nowhere!!

πŸ‘︎ 153
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πŸ‘€︎ u/amar610
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2020
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Several cooking utensils were stuck in the ground on a path I was walking, and I had no clue which one of them, if any, I should take.

It was a real fork in the road.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/satansbestpal
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2020
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Recently I’ve had to remove several of my posts.

Someone took a fence.

πŸ‘︎ 79
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Brucemoose1
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2020
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My elderly neighbor had some landscapers take care of his lawn every weekend for several years. Recently, he hired a new crew, but forgot to fire the old crew. So this weekend they both showed up to mow his lawn, and got into a fight over who should be there.

He had no idea he had started a turf war.

πŸ‘︎ 541
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πŸ‘€︎ u/flash17k
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2020
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Scientists have observed that when one pizza delivery guy falls over, several others also fall over

This is known as the domino's effect.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dhrupad_9112
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2020
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Apparently there is a severe shortage of doulas around the world...

It's a real mid-wife crisis!

πŸ‘︎ 31
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πŸ‘€︎ u/scrollholio
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2020
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What do you call several gourds related to each other?

Pump kin

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JumpinJaccFlash
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2020
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Police raised an alert in error, thinking they’d discovered a recently severed appendage.

But it was a fossil arm.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/carriager
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2020
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Having severe throat pain

Must be because Ice-cream a lot.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/wassup369
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2020
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I once tied my dog’s stick to a balloon, he brought it back from several miles away...

I know, it sounds a bit far-fetched.

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πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2020
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Justice severed OR Someone took his justice in their own hands CAN'T DECIDE...
πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
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How do you call an ant with several heads?

A hydrant.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Reysomni
πŸ“…︎ Sep 15 2020
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I used to have a severe addiction to soap

I'm clean now

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Brosthetic
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2020
🚨︎ report
I learnt about the symptoms of sever athletes foot

It’s quite a peeling

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lukeurmyson
πŸ“…︎ Sep 15 2020
🚨︎ report
A man holding several miniature pigs walks into a bar.

"Hey, barkeep!" he says, struggling to keep control of his quarry. "Any room for me and my friends?"

The bartender smiles and sets down some plastic cups. The man plops his friends inside, but the cups are too small.

"Um...barkeep?" the man says, pulling them out again. The bartender reaches for some larger mugs, but as he places them next to the cups, it becomes obvious that even these will be too small for the pigs.

Seeing the man struggle to continue holding them, the bartender runs to the kitchen for help.

A cook emerges, holding several large measuring cups. "Sorry, I just used these to make a batch of cheese dip, but they're all yours!"

The man carefully plops each pig into its respective gooey yellow cup.

Arms exhausted, breathing heavily, he drops into a stool at the end of the bar, between his tiny friends and a beautiful girl.

He glances her way, gasping coyly. "Hey...I'm...Tom."

She smiles, having watched the whole ordeal. "Hi Tom, I'm Liz. And if you don't mind me asking..." she laughs, looking over his shoulder, "what was that all about?"

He glances back at the bar. "Yeah...sorry," he pants. "I wanted...to impress you, but...it turned out to be...a pretty cheesy...pig-cup line."

πŸ‘︎ 250
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KairuSmairukon
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2020
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I had to fill in several post holes yesterday.

I didn’t want them to make offense.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2020
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I was just reading this story about a guy who went through several tough breaks in life and couldn’t get ahead. One day he just stopped talking and his only way of communicating was through hand and body motion.......

Poor guy turned to a life of mime.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mjleak72
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2020
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What do you call several barbie dolls waiting in line?

BBQ

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Chromosoma
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2020
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My mate Gav sadly passed away this morning. Doctors say it was severe heart burn.

Cannot believe Gaviscon

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/schwifty98
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2020
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I just got sent a severed penis in a box with no address

Guess it was an anonymous tip

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PinkGamerGirlx
πŸ“…︎ Aug 14 2020
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Hey everyone, thanks for keeping this community awesome, but due to several reasons, I've decided to stop making dad jokes, here's why

Why

πŸ‘︎ 394
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πŸ‘€︎ u/vinayjrao
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2020
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They delivered materials for our new roof today. I looked out the window, confused. Said to my son, β€œhuh, that’s weird. There are several pallets out there. He asked why that’s weird.

I was just expecting a shingle pallet

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πŸ‘€︎ u/The1hangingchad
πŸ“…︎ Aug 04 2020
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My wife and I were recently hospitalized for very severe, persistent headaches. After a few hours of testing and waiting

I informed my wife that we had ourgrains

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πŸ‘€︎ u/linknt01
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2020
🚨︎ report
Stadiums across the country are experiencing severe overheating

Experts say its the lack of fans.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Loosebutt
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2020
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In olden times, making jokes about the way words sound was unfavored by society and would warrant a sever beating.

This ritual beating was called a PUN-ishment

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πŸ‘€︎ u/brayradberry
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2020
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A guy goes for a drive and his car stalls...

...right in front of a house where there’s a huge party going on. He walks in and notices that the party is somewhat divided. There’s a clear distinction between the people waiting for the bathroom and the people queued up for drinks, etc.

Considering the urgency of the bathroom queue, he walks over to the drinks table and asks everyone there if they wouldn’t mind helping him push his car to get it started. They agree but even with the full might of several people, the car doesn’t budge. He thanks them for trying and they all head back inside.

A little while later, the doorbell rings. The man sees the host open the door to the largest pizza guy he’s ever seen. The behemoth is holding 15 pizzas with one hand, a pallet of buffalo wings with the other, with a keg strapped to each shoulder. The man jumps up and asks the pizza guy for his help pushing the car. He agrees and they head to the street.

With barely one touch of a pinky on one hand, the car lurches forward and starts right up. The man drives off, waving behind him and yelling a quick, β€œThank you.”

As he catches sight of the party fading into the distance, he says to himself...

β€œThank goodness for the delivery because that punch line sure is weak.”

πŸ‘︎ 984
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πŸ‘€︎ u/silashoulder
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2020
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I get it, you hated him 4 years ago ...

... and you still hate him now. But now he's an official resident of Florida and I may see him differently now. I've seen a lot of hate thrown his way, but this guy is a consistent winner and an overachiever. That's what the people who support him love about him. Yes, there have been some scandals. Yes, there have been some lies and maybe a few times he's twisted the truth to make himself look better. He's out there everyday proving those haters wrong time after time. Call it jealously, call it envy. Some people just can't handle how successful he is and how much money he has. They could even be jealous that he's got a hot, foreign model as his wife. You may not have wanted him in this role, but he's there now and there is nothing you or I can do about it. I know it'll possibly get worse over the next several days, but like him or not, Tom Brady is turning things around in Tampa Bay.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/eaglehawk2011
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2020
🚨︎ report
The chemistry teacher rejoined the FBI after several years of teaching.

She became a reagent.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sir_Pluses
πŸ“…︎ Jun 03 2020
🚨︎ report
If you spin an Oriental person several times while bent down,

Will he / she be disoriented?

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PinoyDadInOman
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2020
🚨︎ report
A knight was trying to woo several maidens he knew with some jokes...

He had different kinds of jokes for each maiden, as he knew they each had different types of humor. Margaret was first, and the knight stood before her and tried out a new knock knock joke. A boy watching nearby asked his mother, "why did he tell her a knock knock joke?" The mother replied, "well sweetie that's because her husband used to always tell them, so she appreciates them more." Next was Priscilla, and as the knight stood before her he tried out the joke the court jester told him. "Why did the knight use a court jester joke?" Asked the boy. "Well sweetie that's because Priscilla isnt very bright and she wouldnt understand most other jokes." Finally it was Dawn's turn. The knight began his joke but the mother quickly covered the boys ears. "Why did you do that?" Asked the boy. "Because you are too young for the humor the knight uses on her, and the knight is always darkest before Dawn."

πŸ‘︎ 53
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DeChadley
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2020
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What did Archimedes's girlfriend told him when he hadn't taken bath for several days?

Eu-reek-a

πŸ‘︎ 105
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πŸ‘€︎ u/itinerant24
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2020
🚨︎ report
A friend of mine cut his finger off at work...

I suppose he'll be getting severance pay.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/shdchko
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you know that there is a severe lack of properly sourced info about whales?

[cetacean needed]

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2020
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I have commited several war crimes in uzbeckistan and am giving myself in for gassing hundreids of civillian houses
πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dog-loaf
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2019
🚨︎ report
I once got severe pain in my head from inhaling too much of steam.

It was a big mist-ache

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/x_amxxn_x
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2020
🚨︎ report
Doctor: β€œYou’ve damaged several muscles including your calf and your quad.”

Patient: β€œIs that true, or are you just pulling my leg?”

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nitroade24h
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2020
🚨︎ report
An explosion on an aircraft carrier severed most of the crew’s arms at the wrist.

The clean-up that followed was all hands on deck.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/radioclash86
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2020
🚨︎ report
I’ve recently developed a severe phobia of elevators.

I’m taking steps to avoid them.

πŸ‘︎ 141
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ENJOYblet
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2019
🚨︎ report
The key to a great Thanksgiving dinner is...

The tur-KEY.

Also, the key to a fun visit to the zoo is the mon-key.

And the key to a great science fiction movies is a Woo-key.

To ensure the maximum amount of eye-rolls, casually drop these into the conversation several minutes apart.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/weirdgroovynerd
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Matt Damon is severely depressed because he keeps getting typecast as an action hero.

He sometimes wishes he’d never been Bourne.

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2019
🚨︎ report
Where does a female sheep with severe hypothermia go?

The ICU.

πŸ‘︎ 31
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πŸ‘€︎ u/the_friendly_one
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2019
🚨︎ report
Doctor: I think you have severe iron deficiency. Me: How do you know?? I just walked in!

Doctor: Your clothes are all wrinkled.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2020
🚨︎ report
I know several jokes in sign language.

I guarantee nobody has ever heard them.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2020
🚨︎ report
I know several jokes in sign language

I guarantee no one has ever heard them before

πŸ‘︎ 536
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CarlTHEELlama
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2020
🚨︎ report
My doctor diagnosed me with severe lack of observation.

That came out of nowhere.

πŸ‘︎ 111
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ Jun 05 2020
🚨︎ report

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