I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. β€œHow much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. β€œNothing” I slurred. β€œLook at me!” she shouted. β€œIt’s either me or the pub, which one is it?”

I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled, β€œIt’s you. I can tell by the voice.”

πŸ‘︎ 16k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2020
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I was midway between the bow and the stern of my 120 foot yacht when suddenly I was surrounded by submarines that just surfaced...

I was amidship man.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2021
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When Dad talks to you in his STERN VOICE is he just speaking...

..out of his ass?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/slowshot
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
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A chubby Mandalorian steps on the scale at the doctor's office. The nurse reads it and says, "215 lbs." Mando sternly replies "180 pounds..."

"this is the weigh."

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OK_Compooper
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2019
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What a Stern group.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/danteahan
πŸ“…︎ Jul 21 2019
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If I never learned to blow my nose…

My mother would have put the "stern" in sternutation.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DENelson83
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2021
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Where does a boat go when it’s sick?

The dock!

πŸ‘︎ 123
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Fonz136
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2020
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Dad got cuffed yesterday. He was let go with a stern warning...

Hopefully the new diet prescribed by his doctor will lower his blood pressure.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Freklred
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2019
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I saw a suspicious looking guy around my yard yesterday. I sternly told him I thought he was a thief

I hope he doesn't take a fence.

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BradC
πŸ“…︎ Jun 06 2017
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I’m strictly a one liner comedian

I only perform on the Queen Mary.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/procrastiprov
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2020
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One of my friends was cooking in a wok on the back of a boat.

He was making a stern fry.

πŸ‘︎ 52
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πŸ‘€︎ u/stickysteve44
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2020
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I just got dad joked by my stern ex drill sergeant grandfather.

Some background, this man never makes jokes and never laughs. I'm doing some car work and he calls me and I go with 'Hey I'll call you later' he replies 'Don't call me later, call me grandpa' didn't even laugh just made the joke then hung up.

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/N64GC
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2015
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That's not the bow of the boat

He said sternly

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lfantine
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2020
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I am proudly pansexual...

...and that’s why the management at Williams Sonoma sternly but politely asked me to leave and never return.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/soapforsoreeyes
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2020
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I'm a sea captain, my crew was goofing off at the back of the ship...

... I had to give them a stern warning.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2020
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Wife yells from kitchen: Babe, we're almost out of trash bags...

I yelled back: Well why do you keep throwing them away?

I got a very stern look.

πŸ‘︎ 312
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lboogie09
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2019
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When I was in the Navy, I was often told to go to the rear of the ship...

They were stern orders.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2020
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Who's the cleanest radio host?

Showered Stern

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/billmilk
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2019
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Nautical Nonsense

Was at my friends cabin helping him ready the boat to go out on the lake. Friend: "Looks like we're in good shape" Me: "Yeah, ship shape"

He was not amused.

πŸ‘︎ 135
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πŸ‘€︎ u/petersk8008
πŸ“…︎ Jul 14 2014
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My ten year old fist bumps me and does the 'exploding hand' afterwards ...

After he explodes his hand I look down at my still clenched fist. I slowly raise it near my ear confused and shake it. I then explode it in my face almost knocking me off me feet. I look at him sternly and say, "You could have killed me."

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Twisted_Logic
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2014
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HP Dadjoke

Imagine if Sirius got married and has a kid and they were arguing and his kid was like 'Are you serious?' and he's be so torn. What dad joke does he make? 'Why yes I am Sirius' or 'No I'm not serius, I am dad'. Which one? Which one would he make?

I found this on the internet today and it was too funny not to share.

πŸ‘︎ 89
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Maart1403
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2015
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What my daughter (Ariha) thinks i do

Ariha ( daughter 4 yrs) : which company do u work for daddy?

Me: Apple

Ariha [sternly]: Daddyyeee, stop selling fruits !!

I almost cried 😭

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nilchh
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2019
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A father, wanting to instil some manliness and maturity in his sons, brings them camping. The only food they get to eat is the food they get from the forest.

The dad splits up from the boys in the morning, leaving them the task of getting food for the day.

The boys chance upon a patch full of peas - they have enough for all three meals and to pelt each other with.

Reuniting at the end of the day, the dad asks how it went.

β€œWe played with each other’s peas!” The little one chimes in.

Just a little displeased, dad asks him sternly to clarify.

β€œWe gathered peas, he meant.” Added the middle boy.

β€œOkay, and what did you have for breakfast?”

β€œPea soup.”

β€œLunch?”

β€œPea soup.”

The boys started sniggering.

β€œWhat’s so funny? And what about dinner?”

β€œNothing dad. We had pea soup too.”

β€œWell, that doesn’t seem like much. What did you do all evening?”

Bursting out laughing, they all said:

β€œPee soup.”

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/neloc1
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2019
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My Friend the Astronomer

My friend and I were having a conversation about his career, he said that Uranus was beginning to collapse on itself due to the magnetic and gravitational fields.

Being immature I laughed, he replied with a stern face "I don't think you understand the gravity of this situation."

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ruminino
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2019
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I can't think of any kayak puns...

Canoe?

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bgrell
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2016
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I'm a police officer/dad and I got some lady last night...

I was pulling up to Walmart yesterday evening for a call. As I'm going in the store there is a lady walking out with some items in her hands. In one hand she has like 4 bags of stuff and in the other arm she is carrying a large bag of Fresh Step cat litter. Anyway as we're about to pass each other, she fumbles the bag of Fresh Step, drops it and the bag bursts open...cat litter goes everywhere.

Without missing a beat I looked her straight in the eye, pointed to the ground and said sternly, "Ma'am, there's no littering here." She looked like she was about to cry and then just burst out laughing. I helped her pick up the bag and bring it back in the store so she could get a new one. She couldn't stop laughing the entire time.

πŸ‘︎ 310
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bluedit5
πŸ“…︎ Mar 22 2015
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You wouldn’t beelieve it

I was raised homeschooled. As a result of this up bringing, I went to many different places to learn things.

One day we went to a farm, and this farm just so happened to have a bee keeper working on it. So I naturally struck up a conversation with the fine man, asking him questions about what he did, and how he liked his job.

Little did I know some time had passed and it was time to go. My mother had called to me from behind my back saying it was time to leave, but I didn’t pay her any attention. Then, in a stern tone, she called to me again from behind that it was time to go.

Then I saw her face, now I’m a bee leaver. Not a trace, of doubt in my mind.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ben_Holda
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2018
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Plant Obsessed

I heard about a man who was obsessed with houseplants. His wife got to the point that she couldn't deal with them all over the house so she had him move all of his plants to the entryway. Now that the plants were consolidated it was much easier to move about the house, but he kept adding plants to their entryway until it was impossible to leave the house.

His wife finally had enough and tried to clear them out herself but they were all intertwined and she was unable to hack through the forest that now occupied their entryway. Desperate, she called a family friend, a forester with the National Park Service, who came and cleared out the veritable jungle while the man who had raised the plants looked on in dismay.

Just before leaving, the forester turned to the man and spoke sternly: "Only you can prevent forest foyers."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Oeklampadius1532
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2018
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The former NBA commissioner was persuaded to buy a family gym package that included unlimited personal training sessions...

After the trainer vowed she would leave no Stern untoned.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/whosevelt
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2018
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I took my son out fishing today...

He said, "Dad, the fish just aint biting here, can't we go out a little further?"

I looked sternly at him and responded, "Son, catching fish in deep waters is eel-advised."

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2017
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People in California think I'm mean

I tell them that's not the case. I'm just from Michigan, so I'm midweSTERN

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PaxPaw
πŸ“…︎ Apr 05 2018
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There are three classes of cheerios

There are three classes of cheerios, the lower class (plain ol' cheerios), the middle class cheerios (frosted), and the elite class (honey nut). One soggy morning in Seattle, a plain cheerio awoke in his single room apartment. He looked out at the still sleepy city, blanketed in a mist of rain. He quickly got dressed and put his shoes on, this would be the day. He stood propped against the bus stop, smoking a cigarette. "God I have got to stop this habit." He thought to himself. Glancing back and forth at the bustle of cheerios, he saw her. She looked about 25, devastatingly gorgeous, and he could smell the honey from where he stood. "Excuse me ma'am," his voice quivered, "I - I think you might be the most beautiful cheerio I have ever seen." She smiled and her otherwise golden brown face grew red. " This is a long shot, but will you marry me?' She was obviously caught off guard by this, but her red lips formed the word, "Yes." They raced through the morning mist of the city, and arrived at her fathers house. The cheerio bent down in front of her father. "Sir, I would like to ask for your blessing in marrying your daughter" "No! You are a regular cheerio and my daughter needs a high quality honey nut" he snapped. "But sir." "No means no damnit!" "Sir this is very unrea-" "You come back a honey nut and you'll have my blessing, my daughter is not about to marry a low life like you." The cheerio sprinted home, tears streaming down his face. He fumbled against the lock and sprawled out on his bed. When he awoke it was early, his sheets had a dark silhouette from his wet jacket. He sat up and lit a cigarette. "Damn." he sighed to himself. Walking in front of his mirror, he noticed something different. His body was frosted! He had become a frosted cheerio! He darted out the door without shoes, reaching the honey nut household in no time at all. He banged on the door, and the beauty's father answered. "Sir I am a changed cheerio! I'm frosted!" he exclaimed. Her father had a stern look on his face. "You think you are any better? The dirt on my boots are worth more than you." he hissed. The old honey nut slammed the door on the young frosted. He heard the deadbolt click. The newly frosted cheerio didn't take the same way home. He stood on the edge of a bridge, feeling the cool autumn wind on his sugar coated skin. Was he really going to go through with this? Was it worth it? No he was a frosted cheerio now. He couldn't get the girl, but he was a changed cheerio. He

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/R1pply
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2017
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Got my dad whilst eating a box celebrations chocolates.

I took one of the chocolates without him noticing and placed it upon my head. I then turned to him with a very stern face and said "Dad i need to talk to you about something"

dad: "what son?"

me: "I am actually really afraid for my life"

dad: "what are you talking about?"

me: "i think someone has been payed to kill me"

dad: "what , why?"

me: "I guess you could say someone has" tilting head forward to reveal the chocolate "placed a bounty on my head"

He cried a little with laughter and said he missed having me around (he recently moved country with my mum) because mum dosn't make those kind of jokes. It was a beautiful father son bonding moment.

πŸ‘︎ 46
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DeanCGuest
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2015
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My dad is the epitome of this subreddit, so I want to share one of his ultimate go-to stories:

When I was a young boy, I was playing in my front yard with my brother. A man in a van pulled up and asked us to help him find his puppy. My brother, being older and wiser, ran inside. I, however, fell for the prank and hopped in the van, eager to find the dog. The man became hostile and I quickly realized he was kidnapping me. I had to think fast. I was panicking.

"I HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" I shouted loudly.

The man was unhappy, but took us to a gas station so that I could go. He grabbed my arm and looked me in the eyes and sternly said "If you're up to anything, I'll kill you! Don't say anything to anybody. You better come right back!"

I went into the bathroom and looked around. A window! I quickly scrambled on top of the toilet and popped the window open. I hauled myself up to the opening and began to pull myself out and to freedom when a hand grabbed my foot! It was the man! He began pulling my leg...

Just like I'm pulling yours.

πŸ‘︎ 60
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sparty_party
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2013
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A short Dad joke

So I'm driving and at the traffic light, I accidentally rear-end someone. I sit there astonished, and then out from the car I hit comes a small guy. He says in a stern voice "I am not happy!" To which I reply: "Well, which one are you then?"

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ForgingIron
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2014
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Got the gas station clerk today

I put my goods on the counter and he rings them up. He proceeds to tell me that the total is seven eleven ($7.11). I look at him sternly and reply, "no, this is Chevron". He wasn't nearly as amused as I was.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CaliKingHockey
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2015
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A favorite of my dads: "You know what really burns my ass?!"

He'll say this while looking straight at me, with a stern look on his face. Frightened, I ask "What?" whilst trying to remember wear I did to piss him off so bad.

He holds his hand at ass-level, grins: "A flame about this high."

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/apopheniac1989
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2013
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Chicken Tonight

Our eldest son is not a very enthusiastic eater. He picks at his food and ends up usually not eating much, to the frustration of his parents. Anyhow, it was the usual tonight and I got a little frustrated. I gave a Dad-head turn coupled with a Dad-glare; sternly told him a Dad-reason to eat more; and topped it off with a Dad-joke...

"Don't balk at eating your chicken!" He laughed and took a bite.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Freklred
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2016
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My dad was reading a label at breakfast

We were at breakfast, when my dad wanted to refill his OJ, and suddenly he yelled out:

"Hey, you! Pay some attention!"

Everyone at the table was somewhat confused. With a stern face, he pointed at the label on the OJ.

^^^it ^^^was ^^^unconcentrated

....okay dad...

πŸ‘︎ 33
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FelixR1991
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2014
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Wearing sunscreen?

Just got my co-worker with a doozy. They were out in the bay doing seagrass surveys when they came very close to stepping on a stingray. She was talking about the flashes of Steve Irwin's death going through her mind when I asked "you were wearing good sunscreen right?" "what?" she asked "sunscreen? Why?" "to protect you from harmful rays" I said with a smug look on my face.

She folded her arms and gave me a stern look. My boss and coworker could only shake their heads and laugh.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gross04
πŸ“…︎ Oct 01 2014
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She was walking funny...

She said, "Ugh, there's something in my shoe."

"That's called your foot, dear."

Seeing someone stop dead in their tracks to give you a stern -_- face is so amazing...

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tekhnomancer
πŸ“…︎ Jul 19 2014
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Dad joke'd on campus, by a girl

Little background: I was standing on a roughly-3' rock wall along a sidewalk/eating area on campus. My friend was sitting at a table next to this.

We were engaging in a lively discussion when a girl walks by and sternly asks; "Are you talking down to her?" - and starts laughing maniacally.

Having a solid appreciation for dad jokes, I laugh heartily too and gently whisper "be my dad?" as she walks away...

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LibertyFive3000
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2014
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Spent the Weekend With The Family...

Some precursor- I'm 27, my girlfriend is 34; we visited my family who lives in another state this past weekend for easter. The last two days I started to write down every horrible attempt at a joke my dad did. So these were just the best of the last two days. Note that this was the first time my girlfriend had met them.

When watching a commercial on liposuction, "I was going to get liposuction but they just melt it out, I wanted them to ZAP it out"

When getting directions, "Should I use my Gsp? (I think it was a joke trying to comment on the similar sound between esp and gps... not sure though)

When a commercial kept repeating "we can", he said (to the tune of ice cream ice cream we all scream for...)"WE CAN! WE CAN! WE ALL SCREAM FOR... ... DEATHcam" (I think he realized he had no joke there so sort of trailed off)

Finally, the worst. When we're pulling up to a state park, he's reading the signs that warn about rattlesnakes and scorpions. He leans in and says, "Hey, I've got a great survival tip" with a serious stern face, "Don't feed the rattlesnakes". Then cracks up with a silly laugh as if it's the funniest joke ever created. He realized that no one was laughing, so he thought if he repeated it a few times, it might get funnier. He continued throwing that joke out every time we got to a sign that had wildlife warnings. Seeing this strategy was failing to illicit any laughs, he decided to go with a new approach. He started saying "Don't feed the scorpions,"

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Burge97
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2014
🚨︎ report
My dad's best joke

Three strings walk into a bar. The first string goes up to the bartender and says,

"Hello, I'd like a pitcher of beer and three frosty glasses for me and my buddies, please."

The bartender replies,

"Sorry pal, but we don't serve strings here."

Dejected, the first string returns to his friends and relays the transaction. The second string can't believe this, and walks swiftly up to the bartender and says,

"Hey, buddy. I need a pitcher of beer and three frosty glasses for me and my friends!"

The bartender sternly states,

"We don't serve strings here!" The second string returns to his friends, defeated. The third string looks at his pals and says,

"Guys, I got this."

He goes into the bathroom, unravels himself a little and tangles himself up a bit. He walks confidently up to the bartender and says with gusto,

"Bartender! You are going to give me and my friends a pitcher of your finest beer, and three frosty glasses, on the double!"

The bartender sighs and says,

"Like I told your buddies, WE DON'T SERVE STRINGS HERE."

The third string leans across the bar, chuckles, and says,

"String? I'm a frayed knot."

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/valinorbound
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2013
🚨︎ report
I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. β€œHow much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. β€œNothing” I slurred. β€œLook at me!” she shouted. β€œIt’s either me or the pub, which one is it?”

I paused for a second while I thought and said, β€œIt’s you. I can tell by the voice.”

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2020
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