I just got fired, and as severance, my company gave me a bag of used coffee.

They said it was grounds for termination.

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jvlpdillon
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2021
🚨︎ report
I'm in intimate relationships with several Spanish women.

I put the "amor" in "polyamory".

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/incredibleinkpen
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2021
🚨︎ report
I bought a container of protein powder, but then had to spend several seconds with my fingers knuckle-deep in the powder itself, trying to fish out the little plastic scoop that’s included.

Man I’m glad that’s out of the whey.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/astrosmash77
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2021
🚨︎ report
I went in to get a checkup for severe pain near my belly and the doctor said "You have acute appendicitis". And I said..

Thanks, but I was looking for a treatment, not a compliment.

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sanehussain
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2021
🚨︎ report
I told my doctor I thought my arm was broken, in several places.

He said "Well, you should probably avoid those places in the future."

πŸ‘︎ 219
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kdlaz
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19 2021
🚨︎ report
After she cancelled several dates with me, I told my crush she should start dating wheelchair-bound men…

because she’s really good at standing guys up.

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/19triguy82
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2021
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the medieval siege where the attackers ran out of ammunition? So, they loaded a severed peasant’s head onto a trebuchet and fired it. By sheer luck, it hit the Duke’s son and knocked him off the battle field.

Yeah, apparently it was the first ever serf face to heir missile.

πŸ‘︎ 54
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πŸ‘€︎ u/professorf
πŸ“…︎ Mar 22 2021
🚨︎ report
A girl fell in front of me and was very severely injured. She said "Call me an ambulance!"

I whispered in her ear "You're an ambulance"

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/iNeedHealing24_7
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2021
🚨︎ report
When I lived in Washington, DC, I formed a rock band with a friend who lived with severe obsessive-compulsive disorder.

OC/DC, we called ourselves.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2021
🚨︎ report
If two vegetarians have severe disagreement...

Is it still considered a "beef"?

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VAOkie
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2021
🚨︎ report
Jack was greeted by several people this morning.

He got hijacked.

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CheeHL
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2021
🚨︎ report
Two men were caught in a severe storm

John saw a tornado out the window of Frank’s house and said to Frank

β€œJesus man! that’s an F5! We gotta get to cover Frank!”

Tornado rapidly approaches within 100 yards

John was looking for the cellar door and found 2 different ones

β€œFor Fuck’s sake Frank which is the best cellar!?”

With the tornado bearing down on them, Frank sprang into action and grabbed the latest James Patterson novel.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dudemansick
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2021
🚨︎ report
I know several jokes in sign language

I guarantee you,no one has ever heard them before.

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2020
🚨︎ report
My doctor just diagnosed me with a severe lack of awareness.

Man! That came out of nowhere!!

πŸ‘︎ 158
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πŸ‘€︎ u/amar610
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Severed Human Nose Found

I live across from a lake and some fisherman found a severed human nose. The detective on the case asked if I know who it belongs to. I replied, "no body nose."

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/headtattoo
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2021
🚨︎ report
My elderly neighbor had some landscapers take care of his lawn every weekend for several years. Recently, he hired a new crew, but forgot to fire the old crew. So this weekend they both showed up to mow his lawn, and got into a fight over who should be there.

He had no idea he had started a turf war.

πŸ‘︎ 535
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πŸ‘€︎ u/flash17k
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2020
🚨︎ report
There are several reasons that a brain fetish is weird.

First one that comes to mind....

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/potatoeoe
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2020
🚨︎ report
Recently I’ve had to remove several of my posts.

Someone took a fence.

πŸ‘︎ 80
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Brucemoose1
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2020
🚨︎ report
Apparently there is a severe shortage of doulas around the world...

It's a real mid-wife crisis!

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/scrollholio
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2020
🚨︎ report
A man holding several miniature pigs walks into a bar.

"Hey, barkeep!" he says, struggling to keep control of his quarry. "Any room for me and my friends?"

The bartender smiles and sets down some plastic cups. The man plops his friends inside, but the cups are too small.

"Um...barkeep?" the man says, pulling them out again. The bartender reaches for some larger mugs, but as he places them next to the cups, it becomes obvious that even these will be too small for the pigs.

Seeing the man struggle to continue holding them, the bartender runs to the kitchen for help.

A cook emerges, holding several large measuring cups. "Sorry, I just used these to make a batch of cheese dip, but they're all yours!"

The man carefully plops each pig into its respective gooey yellow cup.

Arms exhausted, breathing heavily, he drops into a stool at the end of the bar, between his tiny friends and a beautiful girl.

He glances her way, gasping coyly. "Hey...I'm...Tom."

She smiles, having watched the whole ordeal. "Hi Tom, I'm Liz. And if you don't mind me asking..." she laughs, looking over his shoulder, "what was that all about?"

He glances back at the bar. "Yeah...sorry," he pants. "I wanted...to impress you, but...it turned out to be...a pretty cheesy...pig-cup line."

πŸ‘︎ 247
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KairuSmairukon
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2020
🚨︎ report
Police raised an alert in error, thinking they’d discovered a recently severed appendage.

But it was a fossil arm.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/carriager
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call several gourds related to each other?

Pump kin

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JumpinJaccFlash
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2020
🚨︎ report
I once tied my dog’s stick to a balloon, he brought it back from several miles away...

I know, it sounds a bit far-fetched.

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2020
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Justice severed OR Someone took his justice in their own hands CAN'T DECIDE...
πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
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Hey everyone, thanks for keeping this community awesome, but due to several reasons, I've decided to stop making dad jokes, here's why

Why

πŸ‘︎ 397
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πŸ‘€︎ u/vinayjrao
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2020
🚨︎ report
Having severe throat pain

Must be because Ice-cream a lot.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wassup369
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2020
🚨︎ report
I used to have a severe addiction to soap

I'm clean now

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Brosthetic
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2020
🚨︎ report
How do you call an ant with several heads?

A hydrant.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Reysomni
πŸ“…︎ Sep 15 2020
🚨︎ report
I was just reading this story about a guy who went through several tough breaks in life and couldn’t get ahead. One day he just stopped talking and his only way of communicating was through hand and body motion.......

Poor guy turned to a life of mime.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mjleak72
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call several barbie dolls waiting in line?

BBQ

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Chromosoma
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2020
🚨︎ report
I had to fill in several post holes yesterday.

I didn’t want them to make offense.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2020
🚨︎ report
I learnt about the symptoms of sever athletes foot

It’s quite a peeling

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lukeurmyson
πŸ“…︎ Sep 15 2020
🚨︎ report
My mate Gav sadly passed away this morning. Doctors say it was severe heart burn.

Cannot believe Gaviscon

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/schwifty98
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2020
🚨︎ report
No one told me you'd get an allergic reaction if you stood in between Anna Kendrick and Phil Collins

I didn't expect the Anna-Phil-Axis to be so severe.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/isa5589
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2021
🚨︎ report
I just got sent a severed penis in a box with no address

Guess it was an anonymous tip

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PinkGamerGirlx
πŸ“…︎ Aug 14 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife and I were recently hospitalized for very severe, persistent headaches. After a few hours of testing and waiting

I informed my wife that we had ourgrains

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/linknt01
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2020
🚨︎ report
They delivered materials for our new roof today. I looked out the window, confused. Said to my son, β€œhuh, that’s weird. There are several pallets out there. He asked why that’s weird.

I was just expecting a shingle pallet

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πŸ‘€︎ u/The1hangingchad
πŸ“…︎ Aug 04 2020
🚨︎ report
In olden times, making jokes about the way words sound was unfavored by society and would warrant a sever beating.

This ritual beating was called a PUN-ishment

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/brayradberry
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2020
🚨︎ report
Stadiums across the country are experiencing severe overheating

Experts say its the lack of fans.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Loosebutt
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2020
🚨︎ report
A curious child asked her mom, "why are you starting to get some grey hairs in with all your dark hair?"

Seizing this as a moral teaching moment she tells her daughter this little white lie, "Well young lady, when a daughter does something naughty, one of her mother's hairs turns grey."

After several moments of deep thought her daughter says to her mother, "So, mommy is that why all of grandma's hair is grey????"

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lodiman77
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2021
🚨︎ report
A knight was trying to woo several maidens he knew with some jokes...

He had different kinds of jokes for each maiden, as he knew they each had different types of humor. Margaret was first, and the knight stood before her and tried out a new knock knock joke. A boy watching nearby asked his mother, "why did he tell her a knock knock joke?" The mother replied, "well sweetie that's because her husband used to always tell them, so she appreciates them more." Next was Priscilla, and as the knight stood before her he tried out the joke the court jester told him. "Why did the knight use a court jester joke?" Asked the boy. "Well sweetie that's because Priscilla isnt very bright and she wouldnt understand most other jokes." Finally it was Dawn's turn. The knight began his joke but the mother quickly covered the boys ears. "Why did you do that?" Asked the boy. "Because you are too young for the humor the knight uses on her, and the knight is always darkest before Dawn."

πŸ‘︎ 55
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DeChadley
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2020
🚨︎ report
I’ve recently developed a severe phobia of elevators.

I’m taking steps to avoid them.

πŸ‘︎ 138
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ENJOYblet
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2019
🚨︎ report
I know several jokes in sign language...

I guarantee nobody has ever heard them.

πŸ‘︎ 39
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2021
🚨︎ report
I know several jokes in sign language

I guarantee no one has ever heard them before

πŸ‘︎ 538
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CarlTHEELlama
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2020
🚨︎ report
I know several jokes in sign language.

I guarantee nobody has ever heard them.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2020
🚨︎ report
My doctor diagnosed me with severe lack of observation.

That came out of nowhere.

πŸ‘︎ 108
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ Jun 05 2020
🚨︎ report

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