I am prone to make bad decisions.
Because sea fish thrive insult environment.
A super callous fragile mystic hexed by halitosis
She said: "What the hell are these?"
I said: "It's the little things that count"
Not the greatest personality trait for the job.
…Tenderloin
What do you call a knighted cow? Sirloin
"Is it loud in here or what?"
"What"
Because they take things personally
Wow, that’s out of this world
Dad: It’s called ovary acting
Because they are case sensitive.
I said, “yeah that’s where your foot goes.”
The dean says “While we know you are doing well in your engineering studies, there some very troubling reports from your core curriculum professors. In English, your professor says you constantly use the passive voice in your essays; your art history professor says you are constantly confusing Caravaggio with Michelangelo; and your Latin professor says you can’t get any of the declensions forms right. These are very serious allegations indeed.”
“But sir, I don’t understand what the big deal is, these are just minor mistakes…”
“Minor mistakes? These are crimes against humanities!”
In fact, you have to sign a naan-diss closure agreement every time you eat there.
I can't tell you how much it means to me
Because my baby's actually very insensitive.
They'll be really upset I told you.
They start chatting and the Gen Z kid says that social justice issues are the biggest problem facing the world, and that the white supremacist patriarchy is a plague on society. > The boomer waves this off and says the kids these days are just too sensitive, and that he fought for civil rights in the sixties and did his part.
They go back and forth on this for a while, and finally the Gen Z kid says, "we're just not gonna settle this. We don't see eye to eye. You're too old and out of touch and I'm too young and inexperienced. What we need to do is ask a Millennial with a PhD in sociology for their opinion."
The boomer says, "that's a great idea!" And yells, "HEY BARTENDER, C'MERE!"
A Jewish.
They always let out a little wine.
A crisis
I keep telling him he has to stop worrying about the worst case scenario
That would mean a banana tree is a nuclear plant.
I called it Nonsenseodyne.
CABG
What’s a neurologist’s favorite dinner? Seizure salad
What’s a hospitalist’s favorite comic? DC
Why are infectious disease specialists so good at travel? Because they know all about culture and sensitivity
Why don’t you have to go to the obstetrician office? Because they deliver.
Bonus uncle joke!
Where do British hematologists go when they die? Bloody Hell.
"Come on, B. cereus" I replied
... but nowadays, when someone gets Botox, nobody raises an eyebrow!
Vulner.
That was the last straw.
The pianist.
"I won't offend it then"
I think you could hear my eyes rolling.
So I leaned in real close to it and whispered, "You're doing good, little guy. I believe in you."
Dad: "Hey let's go eat at that new restaurant over there"
Unsuspecting victim: "It's not new, the sign says 'Serving delicious food since 1923'"
Dad: "Yeah, that was only... dramatically looks at watch... 24 minutes ago!"
I said to her "maybe your skin should find a safe corner"
Because it sounded like a "Caw Caw Phony".
She said, “What the hell are these?”
I said, “It’s the little things that count.”
They'll probably be very upset I told you.
They'll be really upset that I told you.
Because they take things personally.
