Lizards are particularly responsive to the sedative effects of chamomileon tea
πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pnewell
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2017
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I like to torture my friend's with excellent puns. These are the responses I *live* for. reddit.com/gallery/ms1o2z
πŸ‘︎ 57
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Erasmusings
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2021
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What's a vegan bodybuilder's response to protein powder?

No whey

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kremzon13
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2021
🚨︎ report
My wife: You need to do more chores around the house.

Me: Can we change the subject?

My wife: Okay. More chores around the house need to be done by you.

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/crazyfortaco
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2021
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I told my parents I was bisexual

My dad asked, "so you like both men and women?"

I responded with, "yeah, but I'm not seeing anyone right now"

He said, "so you must be on stand-bi"

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2021
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Coworker's response to us wearing similar outfits at office job

"Hey! Who we playing tonight?"

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AverageNeither682
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2021
🚨︎ report
The main purpose of the call-response hooting that many owls engage in is to find and attract a potential mate.

To wit: to woo.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/vbloke
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2021
🚨︎ report
Today marks the 77th anniversary that my grandfather was responsible for bringing down 4 German bombers in one day during the war

He was the worst mechanic the luftwaffe ever had

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/2canVANdam
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2021
🚨︎ report
In a beehive, after the queen bee gives birth to the little baby bees, which bees are responsible for feeding the babies?

The... BooBees

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/_Soter_
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20 2021
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He’s wright!
πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ“…︎ Mar 16 2021
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What’s the difference between the police response to Black Lives Matter protests and their response to the Capitol Hill riots?

Well, it’s black and white.

πŸ‘︎ 81
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thisDiff
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2021
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I think my dad's getting sick of the Bernie memes. He also did not appreciate my response.
πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jd246246
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2021
🚨︎ report
From my 9 year old son: Dad, what hand do you wipe your bum with? Me: My right hand......

Response: EEEEEEEERRRRRRRRR, I use toilet paper.

Well played, boy.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tinnber
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2021
🚨︎ report
What do the Japanese call a gang member responsible for keeping the boss's beer cold?

The Yakoozie!

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ImJKP
πŸ“…︎ Feb 21 2021
🚨︎ report
My wife got really mad when I told her she had no sense of direction

She packed up her bags and right.

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2021
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Well calculated response
πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/moses10960
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2020
🚨︎ report
Anyone with the last name Boyce has a social responsibility to name their son Ferdinand

Come on, it’s Ferda Boyce

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Stewbacca18
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2021
🚨︎ report
A man attends a funeral for his best friend. He approaches the grieving widow, gestures to the podium and asks; "May I say a word?" The widow responds "Of course.."

The man stands up and speaks "Plethora." and steps back down.

"Thank you..." says the Widow, "that really means a lot."

EDIT The responses here are incredible! πŸ‘Œ

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lady_emily_
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2021
🚨︎ report
Torque appropriated circumstances call for -in kind- repeat applied force when concerned with most of yer dried and salted pork products and jovial responses.
πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/brutalproduct
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2020
🚨︎ report
A duck walks into a drugstore to pick up a prescription. The pharmacist asks him,

"Cash or charge?"

The duck replies, "Nah....Just put it on my bill!"

πŸ‘︎ 36
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lodiman77
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2021
🚨︎ report
Told my dad I was cold, his response was to tell me to stand in the corner

It’s 90 degrees there

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/justbeatitTTD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you know the first French Fries weren't cooked in France?

They were cooked in Greece

πŸ‘︎ 842
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πŸ‘€︎ u/peepeeperson111
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2021
🚨︎ report
Told my dad I took care of getting the propane tanks at the house filled. His response?

"Tanks a lot!"

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Missburr
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2020
🚨︎ report
Great power, great responsibility, etc.
πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hot_controller
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2020
🚨︎ report
Man: I’m so sorry I’m late for my ship cleaning job. What are my responsibilities?

Boss: You mist the boat.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2020
🚨︎ report
Interviewer: We only hire people who are responsible.

Me: Well, your search ends today. At my previous job, whenever something went wrong, everybody said I was responsible.

πŸ‘︎ 802
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CameronC7
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2020
🚨︎ report
A policeman was interrogating 3 guys who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guys a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and asks him, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The second guy smiles, flips his hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"

The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?!!? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third guy and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?

He quickly adds, "Think hard before giving me a stupid answer."

The third guy looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "The suspect wears contact lenses."

The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not.

"Well, that's an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that."

He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file on his computer and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.

"Wow! I can't believe it. It's TRUE! The suspect does, in fact, wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"

"That's easy..." the third guy replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2021
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My grandad was responsible for 28 downed german planes in WW2.

Still to this day holds the record as the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2019
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What does a presidential candidate who cant get his votes up suffer from?

Electile dysfunction

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/portleycrue12
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2020
🚨︎ report
Take responsibility for your actions.
πŸ‘︎ 109
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KyserSoze94
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2020
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As we're driving through an industrial area, kid asks, "Why does this place smell terrible?"

Me: It's an olfactory response.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LateralAxes
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2021
🚨︎ report
Tony told me that I shouldn't spell his name backwards

My response was only: "y not?"

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/UBN6
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2021
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His son asked him β€œWhat does it mean to be a Man?”...

He replied: A man is someone who is responsible and takes care of his family.”

Son: I hope one day I grow up to be a man just like Mom!

πŸ‘︎ 871
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πŸ‘€︎ u/buddhabitch11
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2021
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The WHO have a German Doctor now heading up their COVID response..

.. He's Dr Hans Sanitizer.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HugoZHackenbush2
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2020
🚨︎ report
He never bit on the burger invite...
πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Johnnyboyd1979
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2021
🚨︎ report
So I walked into my daughter's room with a tape measure the other day, and she was lying on her bed reading a book. I stood in the doorway and started slowly extending the tape measure, all the way across the room, until it touched her cheek. "What??" she asked me. My response...

"I'm measuring your patience!"

πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Piccolo_Bass
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2019
🚨︎ report
With great reflexes comes great response ability.
πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lord_Vile1
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2019
🚨︎ report
I’ve recently discovered I’m terrified of elevators, so I’m taking steps to avoid them.

I was a little afraid of speed bumps too, but I’m slowly getting over them!

UPDATE: Thank you so much for all the upvotes and amazing responses, fellow Dad Joke lovers. You make the world a happier place! 🀩

πŸ‘︎ 17k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Whoopass_voice
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2020
🚨︎ report
In response to the American coin shortage, Canada has committed to providing the U.S. aid

They give us Nickelback

πŸ‘︎ 38
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SquireX
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2020
🚨︎ report
An old friend once told me he hopes I fall into a deep hole filled with water. .

But I know he means well.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Benstrosity
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2021
🚨︎ report
You know, in this job we really need someone who is responsible

The man thinks for a moment, and then replies, β€œI am perfect for you. In my last job, lots of things went badly wrong and they always said I was responsible.”

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Saturnet
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2020
🚨︎ report
Whenever someone asks me if I prefer maples, elms, or oaks, my response is always the same:

"It's not a poplar tree contest."

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ganders81
πŸ“…︎ Jul 19 2020
🚨︎ report
My girlfriend asked me if I could help bleach her hair. To my response:

I'd rather dye.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/delo357
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2020
🚨︎ report
Sherlock and Watson arrived on the scene of a murder and the only clue was a measuring tape pulled out to exactly 12 inches.

Apparently something was afoot.

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kesavadh
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2021
🚨︎ report
My kid asked me if they could have a Grape PowerAde

I told them β€œWith Grape PowerAde comes Grape Responsibility.”

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LewkF
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2021
🚨︎ report
I had a nerve conduction test

They send electricity through your nerves to see the response time. I was shocked to find out I have carpel tunnel syndrome.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DadSavage42
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2021
🚨︎ report
I need like 100 puns!

At my high school there's an annoying dude who hates puns so if you have any really bad ones I need you to comment...

I'm gonna send him to PUNintentiary!

I won't stop till he PUNches me!

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/South_Bathroom
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2021
🚨︎ report

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