I bought a new answering machine.....

What should I ask it?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2021
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The umpire kept answering his phone during the softball game.

He said he didn’t want to miss any calls.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cmk100
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2020
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I scared the mailman by answering the door naked.

I don't know what scared him more. The fact I was naked or because I knew where he lived.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/orduk
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2020
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When answering a phone at the office.

Caller: Hello, is ... there?

Me: Yes, he/she is here. (pauses for five seconds) Is that all you wanted to know?

Caller: Oh, I’m sorry. May I speak to ... please?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ebvillanueva
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2019
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Never leave a dad in charge of answering Q&As
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jinmeister
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2013
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I really like answering the door when I know who it is that's knocking.

I'm a peep-hole person.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/raimbows
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2017
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My dad when answering whether or not he pees in the shower.

"I peed the fifth."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lewzerkid
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2013
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Answering the phone when he knows who it is

"City morgue! You stab 'em we slab 'em"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bioginger
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2014
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Answering the whine: "I'm Cold!"

A: (getting out of the tub) "I'm cold!"

I proceed to call him "Cold" as a proper name for the next five minutes while he gets dried off and I clip his fingernails. ("Give me your hand, Cold." "What's so funny, Cold?")

Me: "Okay, Cold, go get on your pajamas."

A: (laughing) "STOP CALLING ME 'COLD.'"

Me: "You know... if you get your pajamas on... and warm up..."

A: "Then I won't be 'Cold' any more."

Me: "Yep."

(Pajamas on)

Me: "A! Where have you been?? I haven't seen you for a while. I thought 'Cold' was going to be here all night!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Redbeard25
πŸ“…︎ May 31 2015
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My masterpiece! (Answer/pun in comments)
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CocozuBR
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2020
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A Kung Fu student asks his teacher, "Master, why does my ability not improve? I'm always defeated." And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers, "My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun and their wings seeming like flames?"

"Yes, my master, I have."

"And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?"

"Yes, my master, I have witnessed it."

"And the moon, when it touches the calm water to reflect all its enormous beauty?"

"Yes, my master, I have also seen this marvelous phenomenon."

"That is the problem. You keep watching all this shit instead of training."

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2021
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Why is 6 afraid of 7? (The answer is not what you're thinking)

Not what you're thinking.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Merlin-5
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2021
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My son asked me, "Daddy, why do bees stay in the hive in the winter?" I smiled and answered...

"Swarm."

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2020
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My professor wrote on his syllabus "If anyone asks me how I'm doing, my answer will always be 'I am great, how are you?'"

So when we ask him how he's doing, his answer is "It's on the syllabus".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sarcasticpremed
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2021
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Takes me forever to answer letters. I have a snailure to communicate.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CatsCreepMeowt
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2021
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My dad had a burning question about grammar and I didn't know the answer so I came here to ask it.

His question was, "Is 'buttcheeks' one word?"

"Or should I spread them apart?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tis-a-pirate
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2021
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Every day I come home and ask my dog how his day was, and every day he always gives the same answer...

Ruff.

πŸ‘︎ 436
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MyLatestInvention
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2020
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I wonder if the host of Jeopardy! absorbed all the trivia he used as answers... he woulda been mighty intelligent...

It would have made him a smart Alec.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2021
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My friend became monk recently. I asked him if he'd take a vow of silence, but he didn't answer

I guess it goes without saying

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mr_Westerfield
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2021
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Called my wife and said, "I'm almost home, honey, could you please put the coffee maker on." After a twenty second pause, I asked, "You still there sweetheart?" She answered, "Yeah..."

"But I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right now!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2020
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Did you know that 10+10 and 11+11 are the same

10+10=20 11+11=22

πŸ‘︎ 19k
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2021
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I asked my hiker buddy about where his last adventure was, but he couldn't answer me.

He just trailed off.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DENelson83
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2021
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My 16 year old son was in the kitchen baking up a storm when my wife came downstairs. "What are you doing?" she asked him. "I'm going to have a bake sale to buy a car," he answered. "Where on earth did you get that idea? We're in a pandemic! No one is going to buy baked goods!" He said...

"I heard on Reddit that you need cake to get the car, ma."

πŸ‘︎ 17k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thebikerdad
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2020
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Wanted a unique name for our new pet dog and asked a friend for ideas. His answer?

Gonnit

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πŸ‘€︎ u/majintb
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2021
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My coworker asked what it’s called when you ask something but haven’t gotten an answer yet.

I told him that’s an outstanding question.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/zachpledger
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2021
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My dad’s answer to everything is alcohol....

He doesn’t drink, it's just that he's really bad at crossword puzzles...

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2020
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I guess it's time to answer the call of Nature..πŸ’©
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πŸ‘€︎ u/unrealhumour
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2020
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No Concrete Answer Given.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MyUserNameBoring
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2020
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??
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πŸ‘€︎ u/M_Arslan_Tahir
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2021
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An answer in a listening test was "specific background material" and a classmate asked if it was ok to just write "background material"

The teacher said it had to be specific

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Fat_Bor
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2020
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I answered the door today and a police officer said "I'm sorry, but it looks like your wife has been in a car accident."

I replied "yeah, but at least she has a nice personality."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BinaryPeach
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2020
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Doctor to patient do you smoke?

Patient: yes.

Doctor: marijuana, cigarettes, cigars, Vapes?

Patient: mostly brisket, and pork.

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2020
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My dad's answer to what came first, the chicken or the egg?

The one you ordered first.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bonp27
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2020
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We have a joke calendar and we missed this week, my wife was having me guess the answers and we ended up accidentally creating this gem: what do you call a cow that was just born?

A mooborn!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Singular1st
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2020
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My calculator only has enough power left to do one calculation

I really have to make it count

πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2021
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I keep asking iris why some people have dyslexia, but she won't answer.

Maybe my iPhone is just broken.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BinaryPeach
πŸ“…︎ Jul 14 2020
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What is the difference between a radius and a diameter?

A radius.

πŸ‘︎ 769
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πŸ‘€︎ u/angrysandclock
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2021
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I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked, β€œIs it to scale?” I replied, β€œNo…”

β€œIt’s to look at.”

πŸ‘︎ 18k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2020
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The man with the answers
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MyLatestInvention
πŸ“…︎ Oct 01 2020
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The guy who stole my diary died yesterday.

My thoughts are with his family.

πŸ‘︎ 18k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2020
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A guy is walking through the woods one day when he comes across a suitcase. He takes a look inside, only to find a fox and her cubs. So he calls the ASPCA and tells the woman who answers what he’s found...

She says, β€œOh, that’s horrible. Are they moving?”

The guy replies, β€œI don’t know, but that would explain the suitcase.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2020
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My kid asked me what's my favorite month and I answered, "July".

She asked again: Why July?

I said: I didn't lie.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/detharos
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2020
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Violins is never the answer
πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/samyaksoni
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2019
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The answer is what happened
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πŸ‘€︎ u/binayakhero
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2020
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I've been on edge today searching for the answer.

I usually use Chrome, but today I'm on Edge.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/clit_or_us
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2020
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My son asked me, β€œDad, what are condoms used for?”

I said, β€œUsually to avoid answering questions like this one.”

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2020
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More than math and physics can answer
πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BlurEyes
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2019
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When I bought my friend an elephant for their room, they said thank you. I answered...

β€œDon’t mention it.”

πŸ‘︎ 33
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2020
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Sry I dont answer my phone on 9/11 . . .

I keep it on airplane mode.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Useless-Chicken
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2020
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The DJs at prom don't techno for an answer
πŸ‘︎ 81
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πŸ‘€︎ u/imperfectshane
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2020
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Today, I asked who left their cold-smoked herrings on the ground at the market but no one answered.

Well, finders kippers.

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Wilackan
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2020
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What has five toes but isn't your foot?

My foot.

Edit: Thanks a lot guys for the awards and upvotes. ;) :)

πŸ‘︎ 20k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/D3V1L420
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2020
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Every day I come home and ask my dog how his day was, and every day he always gives the same answer...

Ruff.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MyLatestInvention
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2020
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