I bought a new answering machine.....
The umpire kept answering his phone during the softball game.
He said he didn’t want to miss any calls.
I scared the mailman by answering the door naked.
I don't know what scared him more. The fact I was naked or because I knew where he lived.
When answering a phone at the office.
Caller: Hello, is ... there?
Me: Yes, he/she is here. (pauses for five seconds) Is that all you wanted to know?
Caller: Oh, I’m sorry. May I speak to ... please?
Never leave a dad in charge of answering Q&As
I really like answering the door when I know who it is that's knocking.
My dad when answering whether or not he pees in the shower.
Answering the phone when he knows who it is
"City morgue! You stab 'em we slab 'em"
Answering the whine: "I'm Cold!"
A: (getting out of the tub) "I'm cold!"
I proceed to call him "Cold" as a proper name for the next five minutes while he gets dried off and I clip his fingernails. ("Give me your hand, Cold." "What's so funny, Cold?")
Me: "Okay, Cold, go get on your pajamas."
A: (laughing) "STOP CALLING ME 'COLD.'"
Me: "You know... if you get your pajamas on... and warm up..."
A: "Then I won't be 'Cold' any more."
Me: "Yep."
(Pajamas on)
Me: "A! Where have you been?? I haven't seen you for a while. I thought 'Cold' was going to be here all night!"
My masterpiece! (Answer/pun in comments)
A Kung Fu student asks his teacher, "Master, why does my ability not improve? I'm always defeated." And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers, "My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun and their wings seeming like flames?"
"Yes, my master, I have."
"And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?"
"Yes, my master, I have witnessed it."
"And the moon, when it touches the calm water to reflect all its enormous beauty?"
"Yes, my master, I have also seen this marvelous phenomenon."
"That is the problem. You keep watching all this shit instead of training."
Why is 6 afraid of 7? (The answer is not what you're thinking)
Not what you're thinking.
My son asked me, "Daddy, why do bees stay in the hive in the winter?" I smiled and answered...
My professor wrote on his syllabus "If anyone asks me how I'm doing, my answer will always be 'I am great, how are you?'"
So when we ask him how he's doing, his answer is "It's on the syllabus".
Takes me forever to answer letters. I have a snailure to communicate.
My dad had a burning question about grammar and I didn't know the answer so I came here to ask it.
His question was, "Is 'buttcheeks' one word?"
"Or should I spread them apart?"
Every day I come home and ask my dog how his day was, and every day he always gives the same answer...
I wonder if the host of Jeopardy! absorbed all the trivia he used as answers... he woulda been mighty intelligent...
It would have made him a smart Alec.
My friend became monk recently. I asked him if he'd take a vow of silence, but he didn't answer
I guess it goes without saying
Called my wife and said, "I'm almost home, honey, could you please put the coffee maker on." After a twenty second pause, I asked, "You still there sweetheart?" She answered, "Yeah..."
"But I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right now!"
Did you know that 10+10 and 11+11 are the same
I asked my hiker buddy about where his last adventure was, but he couldn't answer me.
My 16 year old son was in the kitchen baking up a storm when my wife came downstairs. "What are you doing?" she asked him. "I'm going to have a bake sale to buy a car," he answered. "Where on earth did you get that idea? We're in a pandemic! No one is going to buy baked goods!" He said...
"I heard on Reddit that you need cake to get the car, ma."
Wanted a unique name for our new pet dog and asked a friend for ideas. His answer?
My coworker asked what it’s called when you ask something but haven’t gotten an answer yet.
I told him that’s an outstanding question.
My dad’s answer to everything is alcohol....
He doesn’t drink, it's just that he's really bad at crossword puzzles...
I guess it's time to answer the call of Nature..💩
No Concrete Answer Given.
An answer in a listening test was "specific background material" and a classmate asked if it was ok to just write "background material"
The teacher said it had to be specific
I answered the door today and a police officer said "I'm sorry, but it looks like your wife has been in a car accident."
I replied "yeah, but at least she has a nice personality."
Doctor to patient do you smoke?
Patient: yes.
Doctor: marijuana, cigarettes, cigars, Vapes?
Patient: mostly brisket, and pork.
My dad's answer to what came first, the chicken or the egg?
The one you ordered first.
We have a joke calendar and we missed this week, my wife was having me guess the answers and we ended up accidentally creating this gem: what do you call a cow that was just born?
My calculator only has enough power left to do one calculation
I really have to make it count
I keep asking iris why some people have dyslexia, but she won't answer.
Maybe my iPhone is just broken.
What is the difference between a radius and a diameter?
I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked, “Is it to scale?” I replied, “No…”
The guy who stole my diary died yesterday.
My thoughts are with his family.
A guy is walking through the woods one day when he comes across a suitcase. He takes a look inside, only to find a fox and her cubs. So he calls the ASPCA and tells the woman who answers what he’s found...
She says, “Oh, that’s horrible. Are they moving?”
The guy replies, “I don’t know, but that would explain the suitcase.”
My kid asked me what's my favorite month and I answered, "July".
She asked again: Why July?
I said: I didn't lie.
Violins is never the answer
The answer is what happened
I've been on edge today searching for the answer.
I usually use Chrome, but today I'm on Edge.
My son asked me, “Dad, what are condoms used for?”
I said, “Usually to avoid answering questions like this one.”
More than math and physics can answer
When I bought my friend an elephant for their room, they said thank you. I answered...
Sry I dont answer my phone on 9/11 . . .
I keep it on airplane mode.
The DJs at prom don't techno for an answer
Today, I asked who left their cold-smoked herrings on the ground at the market but no one answered.
What has five toes but isn't your foot?
My foot.
Edit: Thanks a lot guys for the awards and upvotes. ;) :)
Every day I come home and ask my dog how his day was, and every day he always gives the same answer...
Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.
