Me: Well, your search ends today. At my previous job, whenever something went wrong, everybody said I was responsible.
To this day he still holds the record as the worst mechanic in the Luftwaffe.
Well son, you were in Baghdad back then.
Advertising slogan will be a doddle: “Please drink Responsibly.”
That would have been real crumby.
Edit: thanks for the gifts! I’ve never felt so kneaded.
...so that’s just being hippocritical...
"I'm measuring your patience!"
Namasté
They're going to start calling him Kim Jong Un-Responsive
He’s the Sturgeon General
Heavy Infantry
I’m currently on season 6, and still have no idea what this has to do with being a medic.
...But then I thought, "Na, they've probably heard it before."
Because with great power comes great response ability.
Dad responds "So I take it you haddock-good day?"
(Note: This actually happened today.)
My response: "144? That's a gross"
I tell them last time I checked, I was 5’9.
He said, “vet? I’m fucking soaking”
But I prefer, "Take my upvote and leaf".
I like to say I'm stalling
She says "who is it?"
"It's the blind man" comes the response.
Ok, thinks the nun. "Come in then".
In walks the man; "nice tits, now where do you want this blind?"
“Honey, can you hear me!?” She turned around and shouted, “For the third time, yes I can hear you!”
Apparently my response of 'only emotional' didn't FLY well!
His response.... just for the halibut.
People are already calling the character Rando Calrissian.
20,000lb of frozen bread so clearly I'm loafing along and a gluten for punishment.
Bad puns are the yeast of my problems. This load takes me to the upper crust, but if I don't get it in on time I'm toast!
Sorry about my rye sense of humor...
My dad poked his head in and said: ¨You rang?¨
Otherwise you’re decisions could come back to haunt you.
Everyone. They all share the blame.
The answer is apparent.
I texted my Dad a link to the initial headline. His response is in the link below.
http://imgur.com/gallery/cAM4mhO
“Excuse me, could you help me?” I asked.
He grunted in response, barely looking at me.
“Um, I’m looking for a way to keep my dogs in my backyard. Do you know where those electric leashes are? I’m trying to decide if I should try that or just block it off with a fence or something.”
He turned to face me and looked me up and down with disdain, “Do we look like a pet store?” And he turned around and walked away.
I took a fence.
Your philosophagus
Neighbor: “we have a problem. There is water from your property coming on to my property.”
My dad: “well, you're downhill. your problem isn’t me, it’s gravity.”
...I am shook
edit: missed words
"A$AP Rocky released from prison and on his way home to the United States from Sweden. It was a Rocky Week, get home ASAP A$AP!"
http://imgur.com/48pSnFZ
His-Panic.
Multiple tornado warnings in south central Wisconsin where I live and my dad's first response is "We better not have a tornado. I just mowed the lawn, I don't want my house's debris all over it."
Last family picnic my sister in law made a really good fruit salad. I was talking with her an my spouse’s aunt about it. SIL was saying how she’d gotten a mini pineapple and mini watermelon for the salad.
The aunt asks “where’s you get all these mini fruit”
Without skipping a beat I reply “the minimart!”
Responsible
He's really penny-wise.
Turn 11.
My kid asked me that question and they clearly had something else in mind, because she was less than enthusiastic about my response.
I guess you could say I never Thor it coming.
Then I snapped out of it.
No thanks, I don’t have the spine for it.
I replied in Italian accent: “No, she’s Isagirlla”
Edit: with better response
The bartender asks “Don’t you mean a martini?”
In response the Roman says “If I wanted a double I’d have asked for it!”
My name is Ben.
"Abracadaver."
My friends and I have a running joke where we clown each other by responding to everyday lines in conversations with dad-like jokes. For example:
Him: I'm hungry
Me: Hi hungry, I'm Paul
Him: Say that again
Me: That again
Him: I was so pissed at him
Me: So what are you now
You can also bait your friend by saying things like:
Me: Are you excited for the banquet tomorrow?
Him: Yeah
Me: Hi excited for the banquet tomorrow, I'm Paul
Me: Yeah but you're Chinese
Him: No I'm Japanese get it right
Me: Hi Japanese get it right
I'm trying to think of clever dad responses to things like thank you, you're welcome, or anything that people say in everyday conversation.
He walks up to the bartender and says "Can I get a...................beer?" Bartender says "Why the big pause?" Bear responds "idk man I was born with them"
“You’ve found your man,” I responded, “whenever there was a problem in my last job, they always said that I was responsible!”
It smells like Teen Spirit.
Doctor: [handing me my new born baby] I'm sorry, your wife didn't make it. Me: [handing baby back to him] Bring me the one my wife made
Taken from r/funnyandsad and believed it belonged on this subreddit as well
She asked the pastor of a local church if he knew of any houses with rooms to rent that were close to town, but out in the country. The pastor kindly drove her out to see a house with a room to rent. She loved the house and decided to rent the room. Then, the lady returned to her home in England to make her final preparations to move to Switzerland.
When she arrived back home, the thought occurred to her that she had not seen a “W.C.” in the room or even down the hall. (A W.C. is short for “water closet” and is what the English call a toilet.) So she immediately emailed the pastor to ask him where the “W.C.” is located.
The Swiss pastor had never heard of a “W.C.,” and so he Googled the abbreviation and found an article titled “Wayside Chapels.” Thinking that the English lady was asking about a country church to attend near her new home, the pastor responded as follows:
Ms. Smith,
I look forward to your move. Regarding your question about the location of the W.C., the closest W.C. is situated only two miles from the room you have rented, in the center of a beautiful grove of pine trees. The W.C. has a maximum occupancy of 229 people, but not that many people usually go on weekdays. I suggest you plan to go on Thursday evenings when there is a sing-along. The acoustics are remarkable and the happy sounds of so many people echo throughout the W.C.
Sunday mornings are extremely crowded. The locals tend to arrive early and many bring their lunches to make a day of it. Those who arrive just in time can usually be squeezed into the W.C. before things start, but not always. Best to go early if you can!
It may interest you to know that my own daughter was married in the W.C. and it was there that she met her husband. I remember how everyone crowded in to sit close to the bride and groom. There were two people to a seat ordinarily occupied by one, but our friends and family were happy to share. I will admit that my wife and I felt particularly relieved when it was over. We were truly wiped out.
Because of my responsibilities in town, I can’t go as often as I used to. In fact, I haven’t been in well over a year. I can tell you I really miss regularly going to the W.C. Let’s plan on going together for your first visit. I can reserve us seats where you will be seen by all.
Sincerely,
Pastor Kurt Meier
Here’s a palm o’ granite
With great powder comes great responsability
They refuse to give kids shots.
John and Nobody had an argument which escalated into a fistfight. Mad, being a responsible citizen, called 911.
"Help! My friend John is fighting with Nobody!"
"Excuse me? Sir, are you mad?"
"Yes, I am, how did you know?"
"Because rudolph the red knows rain, dear"
Still to this day holds the record as the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.
Because, with great power comes great response ability
Still to this day holds the record as the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.
