No whey
Me: Can we change the subject?
My wife: Okay. More chores around the house need to be done by you.
My dad asked, "so you like both men and women?"
I responded with, "yeah, but I'm not seeing anyone right now"
He said, "so you must be on stand-bi"
"Hey! Who we playing tonight?"
He was the worst mechanic the luftwaffe ever had
To wit: to woo.
The... BooBees
Well, it’s black and white.
The Yakoozie!
She packed up her bags and right.
Response: EEEEEEEERRRRRRRRR, I use toilet paper.
Well played, boy.
Come on, it’s Ferda Boyce
It’s 90 degrees there
The man stands up and speaks "Plethora." and steps back down.
"Thank you..." says the Widow, "that really means a lot."
EDIT The responses here are incredible! 👌
"Cash or charge?"
The duck replies, "Nah....Just put it on my bill!"
"Tanks a lot!"
They were cooked in Greece
Me: Well, your search ends today. At my previous job, whenever something went wrong, everybody said I was responsible.
Boss: You mist the boat.
Still to this day holds the record as the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.
A man walked into a bar with his dog and ordered a few drinks. At the end of the night, when he got the tab, he was astounded at the $50 check. He calls the bar tender over hoping to strike a deal. “Bartender, I only have 20 bucks I can’t pay for this drink. Let’s make a deal, if my dog can talk then you’ll let me have my drinks for free.” The bartender states, “there is no way that damn dog can talk! Pay me the money!” The man in response states, “No no sir, watch. Spots, what kind of situation are you in when you didn’t study for a test?” The dog, “Ruff!” The man carries on the bit, “See bar tender my dog can talk! You’re in a rough situation when you don’t study!” The bartender, “Now boy don’t play with me now, just pay your tab, that dog can’t talk!” “Well here, I’ll prove it to you. Spots, what texture is sandpaper?” “Ruff!” The bartender reaches hand over the counter, almost touching the man, “I won’t ask again sir.” “I have one more, just watch. Spots, who is the best baseball player?” “Ruff!” The bartender, done being fooled with, throws the man in his dog out of the bar, taking all his money. He looks at his dog sadly, “sorry spots, I guess he doesn’t believe you can talk...” The dog looks up, confused, “maybe I should’ve said DiMaggio.”
The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"
The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."
Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and asks him, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The second guy smiles, flips his hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"
The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?!!? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"
Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third guy and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?
He quickly adds, "Think hard before giving me a stupid answer."
The third guy looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "The suspect wears contact lenses."
The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not.
"Well, that's an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that."
He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file on his computer and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.
"Wow! I can't believe it. It's TRUE! The suspect does, in fact, wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"
"That's easy..." the third guy replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."
Electile dysfunction
.. He's Dr Hans Sanitizer.
"I'm measuring your patience!"
Me: It's an olfactory response.
He replied: A man is someone who is responsible and takes care of his family.”
Son: I hope one day I grow up to be a man just like Mom!
Seeing this, a robber sneaked past, and when the boss ended up being in the next room, the boss asked, “how’d you get past security?” In response to this, the robber said “you let your guard down.”
My response was only: "y not?"
I was a little afraid of speed bumps too, but I’m slowly getting over them!
UPDATE: Thank you so much for all the upvotes and amazing responses, fellow Dad Joke lovers. You make the world a happier place! 🤩
They give us Nickelback
The man thinks for a moment, and then replies, “I am perfect for you. In my last job, lots of things went badly wrong and they always said I was responsible.”
"It's not a poplar tree contest."
I'd rather dye.
But I know he means well.
Apparently something was afoot.
My four year old granddaughter just came home from the zoo and asked why elephants have trunks. I did not miss a beat and replied they have too much stuff for a suitcase.
At my high school there's an annoying dude who hates puns so if you have any really bad ones I need you to comment...
I'm gonna send him to PUNintentiary!
I won't stop till he PUNches me!
