wooden tit?
I didn't walk for an entire year
I might have to get my back checked out.
...but not anymore! I'm ex-static!
After about half an hour the doctor says..."You won't believe this, but i just pulled $1999 out of your bottom"
The man turns around and says "Yeah, I wasn't feeling 2 grand"
I said "hey wind, chill..."
"Now, maybe I was too young to remember, but I didn't think it hurt that much."
Except for the punchline.
Because it Hertz.
Megahertz!
Casting Ouch
Her peas.
A rip off.
..."No, but I'm a little Thor."
Ow!nces (ounces)
Cactus
It was suggested by his assistant that I keep my thoughts focused on my "happy place". I said, "No problem, I practice transcen-dental meditation" Not even a snicker from the two of them.
Because of the punch lines.
"What did the earthworm say when offered some soil?"
I don't know, what?
"No I'm good, but thank you for the sediment."
Cuz it's a Bittersweet Tympani
Like ripping off a Band Aid.
So one day, a guy fruit sees a pretty girl fruit and decides to try and date her. It goes very well for a whole year, when the guy fruit decides to propose. Before he does this he asks for blessings from the girl fruit's family. The father strictly insists that she not get married and clearly wont change his mind. But the guy fruit is in love, so he decides to marry her anyway. He proposes and says to her they can run away together, to which she responds: "I'm sorry, but i cant-elope."
So we were discussing the difference between a pig pen and a pigsty, and he goes:
"You know what the main difference between a pigs pen and a pigsty is?"
"What?"
"The pigs pen goes in his hand, and the pigs dye goes INSIDE the pen."
......damnit.
So I donated blood recently, and one of the Doctors(?) Nurses(?) for the Red-Cross named Tommy was a jokester. So I start donating and he is cracking all these jokes and at one point he gets to talking about his childhood. Tommy says, "When I was a kid I had a step-ladder." I asked him what was special about it afterwards and he said, "well I never met my real ladder, but this one did the job decently enough..."
Que groans from everyone at the donation center.
"she's just practicing catupuncture!"
My parents and I were eating dinner and talking about how Joan Rivers died after being put under anesthesia for a procedure that could have been forgone. My mom, a doctor, compared it to a colonoscopy in the sense that it is a routine procedure you get put under anesthesia for but you don't expect to die from.
Dad: Can't they perform colonoscopies now by having the patient swallow a pill with a camera?
Mom/Dr: They can but they won't be able to see the whole colon.
Dad: So, semicolon?
http://imgur.com/U0r96hb
"Now, maybe I was too young to remember, but I didn't think it hurt that much."
"Now, maybe I was too young to remember, but I didn't think it hurt that much."
