saw a girl with a tattoo of a tree on her breast, seems like it would be painful...

wooden tit?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/aaaaasowenyaaa
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2021
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My circumcision was so painful...

I didn't walk for an entire year

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LetsG0T0Class
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2021
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This pun is so painful maybe that's why it's on a window pane
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πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2021
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It was so painful having to put my pet dog down today.

I might have to get my back checked out.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/yellgames01
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2020
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I used to get painful shocks when touching a doorknob...

...but not anymore! I'm ex-static!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Xero19
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2020
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A man goes to the doctor, and says "doctor, I havent been peeing correctly and its painful". The doctor replies "I will have to perform a prostate exam." As the doctor examines the man, he pulls out an $100 bill out of his bottom. This continues, he keeps pulling out money from this man's bottom.

After about half an hour the doctor says..."You won't believe this, but i just pulled $1999 out of your bottom"

The man turns around and says "Yeah, I wasn't feeling 2 grand"

πŸ‘︎ 70
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πŸ‘€︎ u/domheffo
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2020
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My friend said the the wind was really cold and painful...

I said "hey wind, chill..."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/trapdagangz
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2020
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I said to my wife, "They say that childbirth is the most painful thing someone can experience..."

"Now, maybe I was too young to remember, but I didn't think it hurt that much."

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2020
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Almost as painful as the joke.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/orlanthi
πŸ“…︎ May 22 2020
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This is just painful
πŸ‘︎ 45
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Grucci_Belt
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2019
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Opinion: Dad jokes shouldn't be painful.

Except for the punchline.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/_Moths
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2019
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That should have been very painful
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πŸ‘€︎ u/theMightyPanda27
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2019
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Why is it painful when you're hit with a vibrating object?

Because it Hertz.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mukundan_chariar
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2018
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What wavelength is the most painful?

Megahertz!

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CryptoReaper5
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2018
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What do you call a long, painful casting process for movies?

Casting Ouch

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πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2019
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Doctor:Okay apart from your painful disease, can you tell me something else? Like, the last meal you had?

Her peas.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/music_snobbbb
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2019
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what do you call an expensive but painful castration?

A rip off.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/exploded_potato
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2018
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So one of the Avengers was shrunk, when asked if it was painful he replied,...

..."No, but I'm a little Thor."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Evilmd
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2019
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What’s the most painful kind of cheese?

Ouchies!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/felixhaight
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2018
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What is the most painful unit of measurement?

Ow!nces (ounces)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BeerAndJameson
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2017
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What's the cutest thing you can imagine? Something so cute its almost painful?

Cactus

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ihasanali
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2018
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During a recent painful procedure at my dentist's office...

It was suggested by his assistant that I keep my thoughts focused on my "happy place". I said, "No problem, I practice transcen-dental meditation" Not even a snicker from the two of them.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/aceoftrachs
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2015
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Why are dad jokes so painful?

Because of the punch lines.

πŸ‘︎ 46
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GGGargadon
πŸ“…︎ May 26 2016
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This one was just plain painful.

"What did the earthworm say when offered some soil?"

I don't know, what?

"No I'm good, but thank you for the sediment."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sex_bob-omb
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2013
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I bought a drum that sounds both painful and pleasant

Cuz it's a Bittersweet Tympani

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ThanHowWhy
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2017
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I heard a cover of 'Do They Know It's Christmas?' the other day. It was painful to listen to, but over quickly.

Like ripping off a Band Aid.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/slytrombone
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2016
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Came with this one, pretty painful.

So one day, a guy fruit sees a pretty girl fruit and decides to try and date her. It goes very well for a whole year, when the guy fruit decides to propose. Before he does this he asks for blessings from the girl fruit's family. The father strictly insists that she not get married and clearly wont change his mind. But the guy fruit is in love, so he decides to marry her anyway. He proposes and says to her they can run away together, to which she responds: "I'm sorry, but i cant-elope."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/optimist_movement
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2016
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My Brother got me good today...(be warned, it's painful)

So we were discussing the difference between a pig pen and a pigsty, and he goes:

"You know what the main difference between a pigs pen and a pigsty is?"

"What?"

"The pigs pen goes in his hand, and the pigs dye goes INSIDE the pen."

......damnit.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mr_MapleLeaf
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2016
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Dad-jokes at a blood drive are even more painful.

So I donated blood recently, and one of the Doctors(?) Nurses(?) for the Red-Cross named Tommy was a jokester. So I start donating and he is cracking all these jokes and at one point he gets to talking about his childhood. Tommy says, "When I was a kid I had a step-ladder." I asked him what was special about it afterwards and he said, "well I never met my real ladder, but this one did the job decently enough..."

Que groans from everyone at the donation center.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TurtleSmurph
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2013
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Was telling my dad that I need to trim my cat's claws due to how painful her kneading was getting...

"she's just practicing catupuncture!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ObserveWithHasty
πŸ“…︎ Apr 07 2014
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Colonoscopies are just as painful as a dad joke punch line

My parents and I were eating dinner and talking about how Joan Rivers died after being put under anesthesia for a procedure that could have been forgone. My mom, a doctor, compared it to a colonoscopy in the sense that it is a routine procedure you get put under anesthesia for but you don't expect to die from.

Dad: Can't they perform colonoscopies now by having the patient swallow a pill with a camera?

Mom/Dr: They can but they won't be able to see the whole colon.

Dad: So, semicolon?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FollowillFan
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2014
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It's extra painful when it's your own dad...

http://imgur.com/U0r96hb

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/moooooooop
πŸ“…︎ May 29 2014
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I said to my wife, "They say that childbirth is the most painful thing someone can experience..."

"Now, maybe I was too young to remember, but I didn't think it hurt that much."

πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jul 12 2017
🚨︎ report
I said to my wife, "They say that childbirth is the most painful thing someone can experience."

"Now, maybe I was too young to remember, but I didn't think it hurt that much."

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Mar 08 2019
🚨︎ report
Frequency is so painful!

It Hertz!

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mr-gem-524
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2016
🚨︎ report

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