...a coal-lossal mistake!
Because they're jalapeño face!
I said, "Can I please just shower in peace?"
She replied, "I have a bag in the freezer if you want some."
I stonefaced her but it brought a tear to me eye, she's gonna be such a good dad. ^(Explanation ^since ^I ^know ^someone ^will ^ask: ^peace ^sounds ^like ^peas)
Someone holding the door for you.
...so I grabbed my ear and began moving it in circles. She asked what the heck I was doing, and I told her I was ear-rotating. I got an eye roll and a punch for that one
Vietnam, its very Hannoying
Periodically.
"It's a site for sore eyes."
Because we're always pushing their buttons.
It’s gave me thesaurus throat I’ve ever had.
...to be fair, we were warned by the nurses that he was known to have very little patients.
Cheery Bowel Syndrome
Angry Bowel Syndrome
Naive Bowel Syndrome (right before you have Taco Bell)
The list is endless and frightening
He was being a reel crank.
When we were Christmas shopping for our kids, we went to target. After walking around for a while I got bored and eventually found a bouncy ball. It was a small inflatable basketball about tennis ball sized and being inflated instead of solid rubber, it made a louder noise when it hit the ground.
We were walking around and I was bouncing the ball. My wife got visibly irritated at the constant noise following her around and told me to please put it down. I bounced it again and said "I'm trying, but every time I do, it comes back up into my hand"
Que the groan.
I have Irritable Vowel Syndrome.
“Woah, woah, doc,” I said, “Let’s not make any rash decisions.”
An ant named seg is trying to reach its anthill
A girl tries to irritate it by putting a glass over it. secant she how tangent is getting. i guess it will diameter before it reaches its anthill. it would be pretty sad for its family though, as segment a lot to them. We could just say, it couldn't escape it's circle of life. well, after his untimely death, his family has arranged a funeral for him and chordiallly invited all its relatives.
Or as they called it, toot in common.
Not everyone has a method to their madness.
A gas electric hybrid.
Because it has a sandy bottom.
It just doesn't make scents.
I guess this makes me his carbuncle.
My doctor calls it Irritable Pal Syndrome.
So I texted back: "Looks like you boarded the air-PLAIN.."
She didn't text me again.
Wife: "Would you PLEASE help look for molasses?" Me: "Sure. Find me a mole and I'll show you where his ass is."
Blank stare of death.
He said, "I don't care too much for Monet. Monet can't buy me love."
Story time:
So over the holiday, while visiting my mom, she asked me to run and pick up some groceries she had on her shopping list. So of course, I pack up my kids and we are off to the store. As I am perusing the juice aisle, my daughter squeals, "ELSA!!!!" Sure enough, there was Elsa, on the label of a bottle of apple juice. I thought, "Apple juice is on the list and it will make my daughter happy? Boom getting it!" Fast forward to putting groceries away at my mom's house.
Mom: "Did you get everything on my list?"
Me: "Yes mom."
Mom: as I am handing her the Elsa apple juice "Oh I wanted you to get the frozen apple juice"
Me: my face shifting from a look of irritation to a stupid-cheesy smirk "That IS Frozen apple juice..."
Mom: fighting the urge to smack me while rolling her eyes "OMG."
"My spine, It holds me back."
I’ve still no idea
My girlfriend and I were talking and she goes "I put in a new earring this morning, but had to take it out because it got irritated." Naturally I replied "do you mean ear-ritated?" She didn't laugh, but I did, so who's the real winner?
Nobody wanted to draw his iron.
I think I have irritable bowl syndrome
He has irritable vowel syndrome
Turns out I have Irritable Vowel Syndrome.
Me: {swatting angrily} These bugs are irritating!
SO: Are they... "Bugging" you?
Me: No! They are driving me nuts!
SO: They are driving you... "gnats"?
Me: GOD DAMN IT!!!
Having dinner with fiancé and parents, sausages, mash, vegetables. Delicious.
Fiancé sits down with her dinner, my Dad asks her why she doesn't have broccoli?
Her: "I can't eat it with irritable bowel"
Me: "you should eat it with carrots like the rest of us"
Uncle and Dad laughed, everyone else stopped forks halfway to mouths.
Doctor says I have irritable vowel syndrome.
