Irritating Santa this time of year would be ...

...a coal-lossal mistake!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/weirdgroovynerd
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2019
🚨︎ report
Why are chilli peppers so irritating?

Because they're jalapeΓ±o face!

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ShrimpySeagull
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2019
🚨︎ report
My pregnant wife was intentionally irritating me while I was taking a shower...

I said, "Can I please just shower in peace?"

She replied, "I have a bag in the freezer if you want some."

I stonefaced her but it brought a tear to me eye, she's gonna be such a good dad. ^(Explanation ^since ^I ^know ^someone ^will ^ask: ^peace ^sounds ^like ^peas)

πŸ‘︎ 184
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WrexKwonDo
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2017
🚨︎ report
What is nice if you are close but gets more irritating if u get further away?

Someone holding the door for you.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rubaanus2
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2018
🚨︎ report
My wife told me I was irritating...

...so I grabbed my ear and began moving it in circles. She asked what the heck I was doing, and I told her I was ear-rotating. I got an eye roll and a punch for that one

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Grumpy_Shat
πŸ“…︎ Oct 01 2016
🚨︎ report
Which country has the most irritating city?

Vietnam, its very Hannoying

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/will_12468
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2016
🚨︎ report
How often are women grumpy and irritable ?

Periodically.

πŸ‘︎ 44
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2021
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I asked my doctor what I could do about my irritated eyes. He said "check out conjunctivitis.com."

"It's a site for sore eyes."

πŸ‘︎ 74
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kdlaz
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19 2021
🚨︎ report
Why do apps get so irritable?

Because we're always pushing their buttons.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bringdirt
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2021
🚨︎ report
I once swallowed a book of synonyms.

It’s gave me thesaurus throat I’ve ever had.

πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/shua_mc
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2021
🚨︎ report
What do you call an irritated pirate?

pIRATE

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Zorgron
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2020
🚨︎ report
The attending neonatal pediatrician was always grumpy and irritated by our questions about our babies...

...to be fair, we were warned by the nurses that he was known to have very little patients.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2020
🚨︎ report
Irritable Bowel Syndrome implies the existence of other bowel syndromes, such as:

Cheery Bowel Syndrome

Angry Bowel Syndrome

Naive Bowel Syndrome (right before you have Taco Bell)

The list is endless and frightening

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KungFuThor
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend was very irritated because his fishing pole broke and he had to wind up the fishing line manually.

He was being a reel crank.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2020
🚨︎ report
A little story of a dadjoke that drove my wife crazy

When we were Christmas shopping for our kids, we went to target. After walking around for a while I got bored and eventually found a bouncy ball. It was a small inflatable basketball about tennis ball sized and being inflated instead of solid rubber, it made a louder noise when it hit the ground.

We were walking around and I was bouncing the ball. My wife got visibly irritated at the constant noise following her around and told me to please put it down. I bounced it again and said "I'm trying, but every time I do, it comes back up into my hand"

Que the groan.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Piratey_Pirate
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2021
🚨︎ report
I can't abide lending money, just the sight of an IOU note makes me furious.

I have Irritable Vowel Syndrome.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MafiaCub
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2021
🚨︎ report
β€œI’d like to prescribe you a topical ointment for your skin irritation,” my doctor said.

β€œWoah, woah, doc,” I said, β€œLet’s not make any rash decisions.”

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/whomikehidden
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2020
🚨︎ report
Facebook gave me a reminder of how i irritated my friends one year ago.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jewelsssss
πŸ“…︎ Jul 25 2019
🚨︎ report
circles

An ant named seg is trying to reach its anthill

A girl tries to irritate it by putting a glass over it. secant she how tangent is getting. i guess it will diameter before it reaches its anthill. it would be pretty sad for its family though, as segment a lot to them. We could just say, it couldn't escape it's circle of life. well, after his untimely death, his family has arranged a funeral for him and chordiallly invited all its relatives.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tikkarice
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2021
🚨︎ report
Did you know that Egyptian pharaohs all suffered from irritable bowels?

Or as they called it, toot in common.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RedPlanetCorridor
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2019
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Charts that show "stages of anger" usually irritate me

Not everyone has a method to their madness.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/electrocuter666
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a man with a pace maker and irritable bowel syndrome?

A gas electric hybrid.

πŸ‘︎ 905
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πŸ‘€︎ u/zoolilba
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2015
🚨︎ report
Why is the sea always irritated?

Because it has a sandy bottom.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SquishedGremlin
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2018
🚨︎ report
Deodorant irritates my skin, so I got one of those deodorizing crystals. I tried to figure out how it works

It just doesn't make scents.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lbunch1
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2019
🚨︎ report
I don't have any kids. According to my nephew, this disqualifies me from telling dad jokes. But he's always preaching that my diet is too high in carbohydrates, so my eating habits really irritate him and get under his skin.

I guess this makes me his carbuncle.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HAL9000000
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2017
🚨︎ report
I still experience long-lasting psychological effects from having a childhood friend that took offense at everything I did.

My doctor calls it Irritable Pal Syndrome.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/YourLocalCreep
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2020
🚨︎ report
I get a bit irritated when someone makes an annoying sound.
πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Alanator222
πŸ“…︎ Aug 12 2017
🚨︎ report
Wife texted me as she was boarding a plane, irritated that there was no wifi or TV screens as it was one of their "classic planes"

So I texted back: "Looks like you boarded the air-PLAIN.."

She didn't text me again.

πŸ‘︎ 35
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πŸ“…︎ Jun 28 2016
🚨︎ report
Dad joked my irritated wife at the grocery store.

Wife: "Would you PLEASE help look for molasses?" Me: "Sure. Find me a mole and I'll show you where his ass is."

Blank stare of death.

πŸ‘︎ 138
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jimrob4
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2014
🚨︎ report
Paul McCartney grew irritated that he couldn't purchase a call girl with impressionist paintings

He said, "I don't care too much for Monet. Monet can't buy me love."

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Socrathustra
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2017
🚨︎ report
Accidental Dad Joke

Story time:

So over the holiday, while visiting my mom, she asked me to run and pick up some groceries she had on her shopping list. So of course, I pack up my kids and we are off to the store. As I am perusing the juice aisle, my daughter squeals, "ELSA!!!!" Sure enough, there was Elsa, on the label of a bottle of apple juice. I thought, "Apple juice is on the list and it will make my daughter happy? Boom getting it!" Fast forward to putting groceries away at my mom's house.

Mom: "Did you get everything on my list?"

Me: "Yes mom."

Mom: as I am handing her the Elsa apple juice "Oh I wanted you to get the frozen apple juice"

Me: my face shifting from a look of irritation to a stupid-cheesy smirk "That IS Frozen apple juice..."

Mom: fighting the urge to smack me while rolling her eyes "OMG."

πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ehrivei
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2019
🚨︎ report
"what part of your body would you get rid off?"

"My spine, It holds me back."

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/__Odelay__
πŸ“…︎ May 13 2018
🚨︎ report
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?

I’ve still no idea

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/-Fee-Fi-Fo-Fum-
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2020
🚨︎ report
It was irritated

My girlfriend and I were talking and she goes "I put in a new earring this morning, but had to take it out because it got irritated." Naturally I replied "do you mean ear-ritated?" She didn't laugh, but I did, so who's the real winner?

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sundog12100
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2014
🚨︎ report
Why did the artists stay away from the irritable blacksmith?

Nobody wanted to draw his iron.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Subrosian_Smithy
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16 2014
🚨︎ report
I'm frustrated with not being able to finish all of my cereal

I think I have irritable bowl syndrome

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hotsprings1234
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2020
🚨︎ report
β€ͺMy mate gets really angry if you say a e i o or u in front of him ‬

He has irritable vowel syndrome

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/isla_am
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2019
🚨︎ report
I get upset whenever I hear a, e, i, o, or u.

Turns out I have Irritable Vowel Syndrome.

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FreemanForever
πŸ“…︎ Jul 11 2019
🚨︎ report
Damn bugs!

Me: {swatting angrily} These bugs are irritating!

SO: Are they... "Bugging" you?

Me: No! They are driving me nuts!

SO: They are driving you... "gnats"?

Me: GOD DAMN IT!!!

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/awesomenein
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2019
🚨︎ report
Dad joked my fiancΓ© over dinner.

Having dinner with fiancΓ© and parents, sausages, mash, vegetables. Delicious.

FiancΓ© sits down with her dinner, my Dad asks her why she doesn't have broccoli?

Her: "I can't eat it with irritable bowel"

Me: "you should eat it with carrots like the rest of us"

Uncle and Dad laughed, everyone else stopped forks halfway to mouths.

πŸ‘︎ 297
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πŸ‘€︎ u/arathkone
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2014
🚨︎ report
I really hate it when people say β€˜a’, β€˜e’, β€˜i’, β€˜o’, or β€˜u’

Doctor says I have irritable vowel syndrome.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/assafstone
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2019
🚨︎ report

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