The Doctor said I should drink more Scotch

Also, I’m now calling myself The Doctor

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AstrosAtoZ
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2021
🚨︎ report
What does Bruce Wayne drink with his scotch?

Just ice.

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kill_Them_Back
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2020
🚨︎ report
What has 5 fingers, but isn't your hand?

My hand.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Such-Fig-3879
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2021
🚨︎ report
What do you call a scotchman with diarrhea?

Brave fart

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/justbeatitTTD
πŸ“…︎ Mar 22 2021
🚨︎ report
What does a superhero put in their scotch?

Just ice.

πŸ‘︎ 43
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mahare
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2020
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I met a lady at a bar who was a housekeeper. I offered to buy her a drink. She said, "sure. I'll take a scotch..."

"Make it neat."

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2020
🚨︎ report
How does Batman take his scotch?

With just-ice.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DoomRulz
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2020
🚨︎ report
We grew up SO POOR I drank Nurse Pepper...

...she was an LPN.

We had a Don't Bother Checking account.

My first pet only had 3 legs, and it was a centipede.

Mom had one bra, and it was a lease.

For breakfast we ate Lieutenant Crunch.

My first spoon was monogrammed though ("1/2 TSP").

We were too poor to even say "awesome." We had to say "awefew."

We sat at the campfire and made S'Lesses.

My pillow only had one side.

Repossession was 9/10 of the law.

Five kids had to share one shoelace, and instead of toenails we grew toe staples.

Our scotch tape was scots-irish.

(I'm allowed)

My first shower came with sound effects and a lightshow.

One year Santa had to bring stockings.

The next year he filled them with nooses.

I did have a jumprope with a rattle on the end. And fangs on the other.

Other kids hunted eggs for Easter but we just died.

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PM_YOUR_BLOOMERS
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2021
🚨︎ report
A panda walks into a bar and says to the bartender β€œI’ll have a Scotch and . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Coke thank you”. β€œSure thing” the bartender replies and asks β€œbut what’s with the big pause?

”

The panda holds up his hands and says β€œI was born with them”

πŸ‘︎ 424
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πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2019
🚨︎ report
How do cavemen drink their scotch?

On the rocks...

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DanGlerrBOY89
πŸ“…︎ May 23 2020
🚨︎ report
So I order a drink on the rocks with a hint of citrus...

I was given a drink with limestone.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hot_Viking_DILF
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2021
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Badum tss
πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bett3r
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2020
🚨︎ report
What’s the difference between a scotch man and Walt Disney?

A Scotsman wears a kilt and Walt Disney’

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/spottydogsoitis
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2019
🚨︎ report
Scotch in a bar
πŸ‘︎ 40
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrDot777
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2018
🚨︎ report
β€œMay I have your finest scotch please?”, I asked the guy behind the counter.

β€œIt’s just a roll of tape, sir,” said the cashier at Staples.

πŸ‘︎ 276
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2018
🚨︎ report
Scotch on the rocks with a twist
πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jakek931
πŸ“…︎ Jun 06 2018
🚨︎ report
I like my scotch on the rocks.
πŸ‘︎ 36
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πŸ‘€︎ u/smithtomkundi1
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13 2018
🚨︎ report
Roy Moore ordered a 12 year old Scotch.

She didn't like it.

πŸ‘︎ 108
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RancidLemons
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2017
🚨︎ report
I'm new to Scotch drinking, but I don't like ones with peat. Buddy convinced me to try one

Yeah, re-peat: my mistake

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/xwhy
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2016
🚨︎ report
A bear walks into a bar.

Barkeep: "What'll it be?"

Bear: "I'll have a scotch and....... ..... a soda."

Barkeep: "Coming right up, but curious, why the big pause, there?"

Bear: holds up arms and looks at them "I don't know. I've had them my whole life."

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nxsclothing
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2020
🚨︎ report
We were drinking scotch last night...

"Oooh. What year is it?"

"Well, it's 2014. But if we wait a bit it might change."

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/zeekaran
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2015
🚨︎ report
What is Doc Brown's favorite drink?

Great Scotch!

πŸ‘︎ 36
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πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2020
🚨︎ report
I need glasses to see my family

More specifically, two glasses .... of scotch

(Credit: Norm Macdonald Live)

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sillysadandsolemn
πŸ“…︎ May 23 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you get if you feed Whisky to hens?

Scotch eggs

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/td941
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2020
🚨︎ report
I accidentally broke my most expensive bottle of booze in the house!

Luckily, I was able to fix it with my scotch tape!

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2020
🚨︎ report
A pony walks into a tavern...

He walks over to the bar and sits down with a heavy sigh.

Bartender: "Hey buddy, why the long fa-"

Pony: "Cut the shit. We've all heard that one. Glass of scotch. Warm. No ice."

The bartender hastily complies and the pony promptly downs it in a single shot.

Pony: "Ahhh I needed that."

Bartender: "Imagine so. You look like you've had a long day."

Pony: "Nah. I'm just a little hoarse."

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2020
🚨︎ report
A guy with a speach impediment asked my dad...

"Have you been in any wisky situacions?" My dad awnsered with "Not realy, I'm more of a scotch person."

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DragonFireKitty
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2019
🚨︎ report
Some people are like rocks

Cool until you get the urge to throw them over a cliff

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AfricaStar419
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2019
🚨︎ report
My farts smell like butterscotch.

Ya, they either smell like Butt or Scotch

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AssNiner
πŸ“…︎ Aug 12 2019
🚨︎ report
What is the Easter Bunny's favorite drinking game?

Hop Scotch

πŸ‘︎ 39
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wallagm
πŸ“…︎ Feb 21 2019
🚨︎ report
What is an alcoholics favorite kind of tape?

Scotch tape

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/manaphy099
πŸ“…︎ Sep 14 2018
🚨︎ report
What did Christopher Lloyd say after drinking Johnnie Walker?

Great scotch!

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2019
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I told the bartender to surprise me with a drink. He pulled out ice and tape. I asked him what he was making.

He said β€œScotch on the Rocks”

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ekhypebeast02
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2018
🚨︎ report
Which language does a drunk Scotsman speak?

Scotch.

πŸ‘︎ 60
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πŸ‘€︎ u/muelleimer98
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2015
🚨︎ report
I took my daughter out for her first drink...

While reading an article about fathers and sons drinking together, I remembered the time I took my daughter out for her first drink. Off we went to our local bar only two blocks from the house. I got her a Guinness. She didn't like it, so I drank it. Then I got her a Killian's she didn't like that either, so I drank it. Finally, I thought she might like some Harp Lager? She didn't. I drank it. I thought maybe she'd like whiskey better than beer so we tried a Jameson's; nope! In desperation, I had her try that 25 year old Glenfiddich. The bar's finest scotch. She wouldn't even smell it. What could I do but drink it! By the time I realized she just didn't like to drink, I was so shit-faced I could hardly push her stroller back home!!!
~
~
[edited for spelling. sorry to offend.]

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lithium91w
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2017
🚨︎ report
What did the collie say to the bartender?

ill take a scotch life has been ruff...

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Shaded_Gamers
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2017
🚨︎ report
The adventures of Max Dad, P.I.

The sun shone into my office through the lowered blinds all clumsy like, fumbling through the gaps between the venetian slats like a drunk fishing for loose change in his pockets; trying to see if he has money enough for one last drink or maybe the bus ride home.

The dame looked me up and down, clearly disappointed by what sat in front of her. I didn’t blame her. Three days of salt and pepper stubble clung to my my crude boxer’s jaw and the bags under my eyes were so big half the bums downtown could sleep in there and not even know anyone else was with 'em. That was ok. This broad wasn’t hiring me for my looks and I wasn’t looking to her for approval. We both knew what brought her in here, it was the name on the door.

Max Dad P.I. - that’s me. Private Investigator’s sure not the profession my mother would have picked out for me, but it keeps me in whisky and it keeps a roof over my head and that’ll do for now. The dame parted those cherry red lips of hers as she took another pull on that just-lit cigarette and nervously stubbed it out in the ashtray. My eyebrows knit together slightly. I hate seeing things go to waste.

β€œSo as I was saying, Mr Dad,” she began.

β€œPlease, call me Max”

β€œAlright, Max… well, as I was saying, my bag is missing. Stolen, I think. I urgently need it back. Shall I describe it to you?”

β€œNo that’s alright miss. You got nothing to worry about,” I replied, sliding a bottle out of the desk drawer and pouring a big slug of scotch into to my morning coffee, β€œI’m sure it’ll be a brief case.”

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/johnnyohnny
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2016
🚨︎ report
What do you call a prison guard wearing a kilt?

Scotch whiskey.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/derivedintegral
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2017
🚨︎ report
A Polar Bear Walks Into a Bar...

My Dad's favorite joke:

A polar bear walks into a bar and sits on a stool. The barkeep asks him, "What'll it be?" The polar bear says, "I'll have a scotch......................... and a bourbon" The barkeep asks, "what's with the big pause?" The polar bear answers, "I was born with them!"

[cue groan track]

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/UnicornRancher
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2013
🚨︎ report
My dad's famous line... At every restaurant (yes I have stolen it)

Waiter: what can I get you to drink? Dad: I'll take some butterscotch. Light on the butter, heavy on the scotch.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tkinneyv
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2015
🚨︎ report
A panda walks into a bar and says to the bartender β€œI’ll have a Scotch and . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Coke thank you”. β€œSure thing” the bartender replies and asks β€œbut what’s with the big pause?

”

The panda holds up his hands and says β€œI was born with them”

πŸ‘︎ 22
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2019
🚨︎ report
A panda walks into a bar and says to the bartender β€œI’ll have a Scotch and . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Coke thank you”. β€œSure thing” the bartender replies and asks β€œbut what’s with the big pause?

”

The panda holds up his hands and says β€œI was born with them”

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2019
🚨︎ report
A panda walks into a bar and says to the bartender β€œI’ll have a Scotch and . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Coke thank you”. β€œSure thing” the bartender replies and asks β€œbut what’s with the big pause?

”

The panda holds up his hands and says β€œI was born with them”

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2019
🚨︎ report

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