Today I learned that if a canoe turns upside down in the water, you can safely wear it on your head.

Because it’s capsized.

πŸ‘︎ 843
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2020
🚨︎ report
Drive safe
πŸ‘︎ 253
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πŸ‘€︎ u/beardieface
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2020
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You’re safe here
πŸ‘︎ 50
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AanOSRS
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2020
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Please practise safe aural sex.

You don't want hearing aids.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kimenon001
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2021
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Me, to my wife: They said that the Covid vaccines are safe and has no side effects.

My wife: Who did?

Me: Yep.

πŸ‘︎ 31
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2020
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The best safe word to use during sex is β€œmeatloaf”

Because it means, β€œI would do anything for love, but I won’t do that”

πŸ‘︎ 684
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LordCinko
πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2020
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Is it safe?
πŸ‘︎ 171
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πŸ‘€︎ u/raghav50w
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2020
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Is it safe to assume this subreddits fav marvel character is The PUNisher
πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AussieWizard
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2020
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Is it safe to say the people employed near Big Ben in London are....

....working around the clock?

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2020
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Upon seeing a gorgeous girl at the party, I knew I had to meet her. So I approached and told her about a special-purpose ship designed to move and navigate through frozen waters, and provide safe waterways for other boats and ships.

I've used it before and it works. It's the perfect icebreaker.

πŸ‘︎ 31
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2020
🚨︎ report
A man walks into the doctor's office

"What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc.

"It's.. erm .. well ... I have five penises." replies the man.

"Ah ok. How do your trousers fit?" asks the doc.

"Like a glove."

πŸ‘︎ 154
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Merlin-5
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2021
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How did the computer hackers get away from the scene of crime?

They just ransomware.

πŸ‘︎ 17k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/viky_boy
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2020
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Word!!
πŸ‘︎ 74
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πŸ‘€︎ u/viky_boy
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2021
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My friend knows just who he can trust in the seedy part of town to get him safe candy and sweets...

He has treat smarts.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2020
🚨︎ report
I just sold a house with ferns throughout and a safe in the attic

The buyers loved that it was fully fernished with a vaulted ceiling

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MLaBolle
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2020
🚨︎ report
Fly straight and stay safe, boys
πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AsAP0Verlord
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2020
🚨︎ report
How do you open the safe at the deli?

You use the Italian combo.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CaptainAmerilard
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2020
🚨︎ report
How is everyone staying safe during the pandemic at the north pole?

They use a lot of hand santatizer.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/slaydawgjim
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2020
🚨︎ report
Is this safe to eat?

No, the safe stores valuable objects.

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Parkwad
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2020
🚨︎ report
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning, or possibly just a very hairy guy.

Either way, the silver bullets worked.

πŸ‘︎ 166
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2020
🚨︎ report
Mama, is this safe to eat?

No honey, it's for holding valuables.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Vexidemalprince
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2020
🚨︎ report
Stay safe
πŸ‘︎ 43
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Broccobama_
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2020
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Thermite be another way to crack this safe.
πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/supguyyo
πŸ“…︎ Jul 14 2019
🚨︎ report
How do you keep people safe during the pandemic?

Masking for a friend...

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lameraffleprizes
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2020
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How to Castrate a Bull, in Limerick Form

I've two bulls who just love to fight //
they simply cannot be polite //
Just one needs to breed //
and so I'll proceed //
to castrate the weak one tonight

The procedure is safe, I insist //
if we make the blood flow desist //
to make bleeding halt //
do the "ball somersault" //
and give that whole sack a huge twist

To do this requires no skill //
I'll just need a quite large power-drill //
and a specialized clamp //
to hold on to that champ //
then turn it on fast- what a thrill!

It is clear this device should appeal //
to those who need bulls with less zeal //
I shall name this device //
with a drill and a vise //
the most perfect of names: "Steering Wheel!"

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Chordus
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2021
🚨︎ report
With a pandemic happening, I said to my nurse friend: "Stay safe!"

Their response: β€œYou, too; stay negative!"

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sarisaberry
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2020
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Stay safe
πŸ‘︎ 87
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πŸ‘€︎ u/iniesta103
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2020
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It’s probably not safe for me to be driving this car right now.

But hey, bad brakes have never stopped me before.

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2019
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Once upon a time in the jungle...

Once upon a time there were numerous tribes in a jungle. Each tribe struggled to survive, and over time and as skills evolved, tribes began to trade goods with each other. One tribe learned the skills of architecture, and traded designs for safe grass houses with neighboring tribes for other necessities, such as food. Over time, the tribe grew quite rich, and without the need for goods the chief of the tribe demanded payment in the form of a tribute, an ornate throne. Over time the number of thrones the chief owned grew more and more numerous, so he had a great multi-story grass house built to store all of his thrones. One day, the weight of the thrones became so much the house collapsed, killing the chief. The moral of the story is… wait for it…

He who lives in grass houses shouldn’t stow thrones.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pirate-Frog
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2021
🚨︎ report
Yall make fun of dad jokes. But they are the only sfw jokes around.

Seriously the workplace is becoming dangerous. One wrong joke and your HR dpt will hate you. Dad jokes are innocuous, very safe.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Truly-Spooky
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2021
🚨︎ report
Do you know where I store all my dad jokes?

In a dad-a--base

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ht-18
πŸ“…︎ May 22 2020
🚨︎ report
The Tells bowling adventures

Everyone knows the story about William Tell shooting an apple off his son's head but not many know that the Tell family was huge into bowling, even joined a league. Sadly, the records weren't kept safe and to this very day we have no idea for whom the Tells bowled.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/baronvb1123
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2021
🚨︎ report
How do you fit an Elephant into a Safeway bag?

You take the β€˜S’ out of Safe and the β€˜F’ out of way!

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/neoblog
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2020
🚨︎ report
We will never run out of puns now!

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/communist_scumbag
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
We can now safely say that we're in the middle of World coronisation

badum-tss

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bananasananas13
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2020
🚨︎ report
The Covid-19 vaccine should be tested on politicians first...

If they survive, the vaccine is safe.

If they don't, the country is safe.

πŸ‘︎ 109
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2020
🚨︎ report
Wife: Remember to practice safe snacks and to use condiments

Me: Baby stop, you’re making me hungry

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Serm22
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2020
🚨︎ report
Christmas warning

A warning to be careful about drink driving as we are getting close to Christmas and the police are out there checking on people. Tonight, I was at a friend's house for a few drinks. One thing lead to another and I had a few too many Jack Daniels and then went onto the Bailey's. Not a good idea. Knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave my car at my friend's house, and took the bus home. Sure enough, I passed a police checkpoint at the top of the road where they were pulling over cars and performing breathalyser tests. Because I was on the bus, they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise as I've never driven a bus before and I’m not even sure where I got it from...

πŸ‘︎ 32
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πŸ‘€︎ u/vanilakodey
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Safely Monitored
πŸ‘︎ 33
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Admiral_PWN
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2019
🚨︎ report
Safe Sex
πŸ‘︎ 83
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CocoBandicoot99
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a self governing group of hippos?

Hippotonomous

πŸ‘︎ 134
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mangolimon3
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2020
🚨︎ report
How do you tell a priest to stay safe?

Tell him to exorcise caution

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Watermelencholy
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2020
🚨︎ report
Everybody's safe word should be Meatloaf

Because I'll do anything for love, but I won't do that.

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tinfoilknight
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2020
🚨︎ report
The best safe word a person can use is 'Meatloaf'….

Cos I would do anything for love, but I won't do that.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Butt-270_Ham_227
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2019
🚨︎ report
Keep safe during this pandemic and use an old padded bra to make yourself a comfortable mask. Just make sure you use the left cup...

Because if you use the right one you will look like a right tit.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Astoran15
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2020
🚨︎ report

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