My dad wanted to post something on Reddit and I told him there’s specific subs he would want to post on and certain ways to post
And he responded “oh so there’s reddiquette to it then”
(Also he’s on Reddit now so if he sees this then hi dad)
Today’s my husband’s birthday and he’s a huge pencil enthusiast. I got him a great gift
Seems like someone’s gonna get lead tonight.
I challenged my son, "Take 4 and subtract 2 from it. What’s left? Rolling his eyes, he sighed, "2." I yelled, NOPE!"
What’s something they called Bruce Lee before and after he died?
I was bartending and a man came in with his son. “Is it okay if he sits here? He’s a minor”
“I don’t care what his job is. If he wants a drink, let’s get him a drink.”
I tried to explain to my four-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop in your pants, but he’s not buying it. In fact...
He’s still making fun of me...
You know, the CEO of IKEA was elected the prime minister of Sweden. Wanna know what he’s doing right know?
A guy asks Pinocchio if he wants to take a day off from working at Gepetto’s workshop to see a bonfire.
Pinocchio says, “I would, but I’m afraid of getting fired”.
What did the farmer’s wife say to him after he hotboxed the stable?
My dog chewed up a bunch of stuff yesterday. Now he’s feeling gnawseous
Oh my baby he’s drowning!!!
What’s the worst thing that’ll happen to the Gaetz household if he gets busted?
His son will end up an empty Nestor.
Jay Leno went to Morgan Freeman’s house and had a lot of drinks. Leno suddenly started to urinate on Freeman’s carpet. Freeman was furious and ran after him as he kept on urinating. The banker next door saw the whole thing and decided to start a bank...
Kids, that is the true story of how Jay-pee-Morgan-chase was named
What does Thor need now that he’s fat?
As we were walking down the driveway with the cans, I asked my son, "Did you know there’s no official training for garbage men?" Rolling his eyes, he responded, "No, no I didn't." I continued...
"Seriously, they just pick it up as they go along!"
While doing a crossword, the cyclops asked his wife, "How do you spell Hawaii?" Glancing at what he wrote, she replied, "You need two i’s."
Cyclops growled, "My life is just a big joke to you, isn’t it!?"
So I was at Chili’s the other day and when a waiter came to take our order, I asked him to turn the heat up and when he asked why
I replied it seems a bit chilly in here. I’m now banned at all Chili’s restaurants in the USA
I asked an Australian kid what’s a clever comeback down under. He said...
My buddy used to paint these beautiful beach scapes when he lived on the coast, but since he’s moved away, he won’t paint any more.
I guess he’s now an ex-cape-artist...
I finished reading Bon Jovi’s biography and had the wonderful chance to ask him if he actually did the stuff in his biography.
He just shrugged and said it’s my life
I asked my friend how he’s finding work as an elevator attendant
He says it has it ups and downs.
My kid’s chemistry teacher was arrested in class yesterday. He was pouring out teaspoons of sodium chloride for each student, but because the class was rowdy, he kept losing his place and having to start over.
The police charged him with multiple counts of a salt.
The produce person at my grocery store said I should try this vegetable, “It’s out of this world ... radical!” he exclaimed.
In truth, it was just rad-ish.
What did Paul McCartney say when he met John’s new girlfriend?
Ono, Ono, Ono no no no...
Why did the art thief’s van run out of gas as he drove away from the museum?
Because he had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh
How does “The One” heal if he’s injured in the Matrix?
A friend of mine makes good money selling camel’s milk, but he has to put up with surly camels all day.
What would Gordon Ramsay’s stage name be if he was a wrestler?
I broke up with my boyfriend because I realised he’s a communist
Now that I look back, there were a lot of red flags
What would Hitler´s book have been called if he had actually become a painter?
The last thing my grandfather said before he died was, “It’s worth it to spend money on good speakers.”
That was some sound advice.
A lumberjack once told me he’s cut down 27,562 trees
“How do ya know exactly how many?” I inquired
Lumberjack: “Easy. I keep a log.”
What did the teacher say when s/he jumped out of the closet?
One of my colleagues has just told me he’s caught COVID-19 from his cat...
I’m not saying he’s dumb
But he does think an asset is a little donkey.
This guy told me he was Harry Potter’s godfather. I thought he was messing with me.
He told me he was Sirius.
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