A man was enjoying his burger when someone broke the news to him that it was made out of 'Horse Meat'. Suddenly he went into a fit and started choking. Two hours upon rushing him to the hospital........

.......His condition is now known to be 'Stable'

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ball5deeper
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the Oklahoma student keep rushing everything?

Because he was a Sooner

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Westerbecky32
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2020
🚨︎ report
My son sees me rushing to pick up my ringing mobile in another room.

Son: "Mom, Dad's russian!!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mdchris19
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2020
🚨︎ report
Just got back from the supermarket - there was a guy rushing round the shop who had brought 15kg of paella rice, 5 cases of tequila, 8 sombreros and 12 piΓ±atas.

I thought to myself, Hispanic buying.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/heilhanson
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2020
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I don't know why people are rushing to buy toilet paper.

Personally, coronavirus has me scared shitless.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MasterPunmanship
πŸ“…︎ Mar 21 2020
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All these peeps rushing out to buy TP...

... such crap

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πŸ“…︎ Mar 08 2020
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A play on if im rushing, so be it.

If im russian, soviet.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dank_duck69
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2019
🚨︎ report
I know you're rushing...

I'm a waitress and this one got dropped on me today when a family of 5 came in. They had previously stated they were in a hurry so brought them the check and said (i should probably mention that I have a very southern accent) 'I know y'all are rushin' so-' the dad cut me off with 'No, we're Americans.' His kids and wife were not amused and I just busted up laughing and high fived him. Anyway, I thought you guys would enjoy it.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/insaneyetnoble
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2014
🚨︎ report
Russian sounds like rushing. #hello4squarecomic
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πŸ‘€︎ u/scottyblanco
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2019
🚨︎ report
I was rushing to the hospital because my wife was about to give birth. We didn’t make it there in time and she gave birth to a boy in my car.

I decided to call him Carson.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/xXAnimeAngelXx
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2019
🚨︎ report
In the morning when my dad looks flustered I say: Are you rushing?

He replies: No im irish

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2019
🚨︎ report
My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."

"...a TOE TRUCK!!??"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2020
🚨︎ report
A Man rushed into a Doctor's office shouting ' help me Doctor, I'm shrinking' The Doctor calmly said ' Now settle down a bit '..

.. you'll just have to learn to be a little patient.

πŸ‘︎ 56
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cotswoldboy
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2021
🚨︎ report
Sex when you're camping is the ultimate rush.

It's fucking in tents.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tawdry-eloquence
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2021
🚨︎ report
In the French Court of Louis XIV, going to the bathroom happened all over the place, but loud farting was really stigmatized. So people experiencing gas had to rush to a specifically appointed room called the...

Toot Suite

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πŸ‘€︎ u/xrayhearing
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2021
🚨︎ report
I let my cat outside today but when I started listening to Daft Punk she rushed back inside

I guess she is more of a house cat

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Limehulio
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2020
🚨︎ report
Doctors who are always in a rush don't seem to be very successful.

I think it's the lack of patients.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ninety-five95
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2020
🚨︎ report
Don’t Rush into this pun! πŸ˜‚
πŸ‘︎ 51
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DesDesign11
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2020
🚨︎ report
My buddy was rushed into the hospital after showing decorticate posturing. He woke up and I asked him if he remembered anything.

He said it felt really apalling

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Onechordbassist
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2020
🚨︎ report
I frantically rushed to the computer service center to repair my storage device before it died

It was a hard drive

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Chronoz42
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did Rush Limbaugh take so much Oxycontin?

For the rush.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/billbixbyakahulk
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the spice say to the chicken when it was being rushed out the door?

I’m cumin, I’m cumin!

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pineconeassbitch
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2020
🚨︎ report
Why is a photon able to go so fast?

It's traveling light!

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lfantine
πŸ“…︎ Feb 21 2021
🚨︎ report
Text message conversation with my dad the other day, where I out-dadded him.

Dad: Give me your best knock knock joke. Or jokes. Do it when you can no rush.

Me: Does it have to be a knock knock joke or can it be any joke?

Dad: Knock Knock.

Me: Who’s there?

πŸ‘︎ 16k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NC0828
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2020
🚨︎ report
Have you guys checked the news today?

No rush.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/zjunkmale
πŸ“…︎ Feb 17 2021
🚨︎ report
I rushed to my local hospital only to find that it had been converted into a library

Talk about having to suffer in silence

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πŸ‘€︎ u/emu404
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2019
🚨︎ report
A guy rushed past me at the post office to deliver 25 different letters

He skipped the Q.

πŸ‘︎ 843
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Max-Volume
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2019
🚨︎ report
I just got word my ex wife was rushed to the ER and tested positive for COVID-19!

So I guess she wasn’t sick of me?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ah20250
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2020
🚨︎ report
My daughter says she's not doing well in music class.

She's having a hard time taking notes.

πŸ‘︎ 54
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sir_Pluses
πŸ“…︎ Sep 14 2020
🚨︎ report
When I heard about the big fight, I rushed to the arena in anticipation...

Only to be let down by the fact that the event turned out to be two people arguing about the movie β€œBig.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jlionbad
πŸ“…︎ May 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Three boys go into a haunted house. One brought a knife, one brought a gun and one brought some cough drops

They crept in. It was pitch black and stone quiet. They were suddenly starting to regret this dare. Stupidly, only one brought a flash light. The aggressive darkness and inky black yielded with grudging compliance but always seeming to push back. They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobwebs. The floor creaked. They breathed in tight, quick breaths. You could hear a pin drop.

Suddenly, there was a deep moan. "OOOOOOOOUUUUU". It seemed from below them. The house had been abandoned for years. Who or what could make such a sound? The boys looked at each other, but continued on, hearts pounding in their chests.

As they proceeded into the kitchen they encountered a swarm of flies. Buzzing and beating their necks and faces, they rushed and stumbled to the door, not stopping to see what they were truly feasting on. They slammed the door behind them. Maybe a body? But no way were they going back to find out. And again came the sound, "ooooOOOOOooooOOUUU" but louder this time, and closer.

They proceeded through the dark into the dining room. They saw a fully set dining table covered in cob webs. Dust-covered regal-looking glasses, goblets and silverware adorned the table. Spiders climbed on ivory plates. Clearly a house of privilege and set for a grand feast which never happened.

Or, perhaps, met a fatal end?

They pushed on. But again that unearthly howl.

"oooooOOOOOOOOOOOUuuuuUUUUuuUUOOOOooo".

They found the basement staircase, and from below, the sounds seemed to be emanating. Could they proceed? Would they? Did they dare? Two of the boys looked at each other, faces filled with worry.

But the third said, confidently, "We're going down there." Not wanting to seem the weaker, the other two boys steeled themselves and nodded.

The stairs creaked and groaned evily under their feet. The rickety banister shook in angry defiance. Insects and vermin scattered underneath them with every step. They were descending into hell, they knew, but none would turn back.

And the sound: "oOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUuuuuUUOOOO". Now loud enough to fill not only their heads but seeming to claw at their very souls!

Now at the basement door! The antique, crying squeak of the hinges eeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEee made the boys wince and almost cover their ears. But they had to know. WHAT is making that horrible, terrible sound?

"ooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUoooooUUUUUUUOOOOOOO"

In the center of the basement lay an unholy coffin! A twisted artistic expression of murder, decay and

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/billbixbyakahulk
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2020
🚨︎ report
When I reach home, my 1.5 y.o. son rushes out to the gate to sit in my lap while I park the car. Then he just grabs the steering and starts shaking it with brrrmmm brrrmmm sound. His cute antics always make me forget that he's suffering from a rare disease.

It's called Parking Son's disease.

Edit: Thanks for the gold, kind stranger.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/unlucky_genius
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2018
🚨︎ report
A woman tripped and fell off the balcony and had been cut in half. Still conscious, she was quickly rushed to the hospital...

Manager: what did the doctor say to the woman’s family? Me: after thinking ...yea I’m not sure Manager: β€œshe was ALL RIGHT.” Me: oh, I thought you were going to say β€œThere’s nothing LEFT.” The manager at work got a kick out of that because that was an answer he has never gotten before lol figured I’d post it here.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Slammin_Salmon94
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2020
🚨︎ report
I was in the garden last night and to my surprise there was this huge UFO, just hovering....

So, I rushed indoors to get the worst camera I could find, to film it with.....

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2021
🚨︎ report
A man is walking home alone late one foggy night, when behind him he hears:

Bump…

Bump…

Bump…

Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.

Bump…

Bump…

BUMP…

Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home. The casket still bouncing quickly behind him.

Faster…

Faster…

FASTER…

Bump…

Bump…

BUMP…

He runs up to his door, fumbles with the keys, opens the door, rushes in and slams and locks the door behind him.

Rushing up the stairs to his bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding. His head is reeling. His breath is coming in sobbing gasps.

With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door. Bumping and clapping towards him.

The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is cough syrup!

Desperate, he throws the cough syrup as the casket!

And…

The coffin stops….

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ParadoxXSchock
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2020
🚨︎ report
That's a serious gold rush
πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/amitlion2
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2019
🚨︎ report
I work in a hospital. Yesterday a smurf got shot and was rushed into ICU.

The whole time they were yelling blue murder.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SuperDave-1
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the train have to rush to the bathroom?

It’s been toot toot tootin all day long!

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/iGaunt
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2020
🚨︎ report
I saw that Lady Gaga was about to faint and rushed to her help.

She said, "I need a strong cool breeze on my face."

I said, "I'm sorry but I can't help you. I'm just not a big fan."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thkoog
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2019
🚨︎ report
A truckload of doorframe parts spilled out on the highway during rush hour...

It caused a big traffic jamb.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2019
🚨︎ report
Excuse me, doctor - my husband was rushed in with violent spasms in his buttocks. Where is he please?

ICU baby, shaking that ass

πŸ‘︎ 51
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CPike90
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2019
🚨︎ report
My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."

"...a TOE TRUCK!!??"

πŸ‘︎ 18k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2020
🚨︎ report
Why is camping such a rush?

Because it's in-tents!

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ“…︎ May 10 2020
🚨︎ report
A guy rushed past me at the post office to deliver 25 different letters...

He skipped the Q.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/The_improviser
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2020
🚨︎ report

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