A guy walks into a bar dressed in running clothes and orders a beer. "Hey, Bob, I didn't know you took up running," the bartender says. "I had to," Bob replies. "At my age I figured that was the only way I'd ever hear heavy breathing again."
I always knew we would wipe ourselves out
Is the clock TikToking?
It’s really irrigating.
Running with my daughter. She stops and says "dad I have something in my shoe."
I say "Hmm, is it a foot?"
Used to laugh but now just get eye rolls every time.
I think I've made it perfectly clear.
The lady on the other end laughed at me and said "Dear... We don't operate a fleet of DeLoreans! All of our buses run on Diesel..."
Then the whole grenade store blew up.
With friends like that, who needs enemas?
They crept in. It was pitch black and stone quiet. They were suddenly starting to regret this dare. Stupidly, only one brought a flash light. The aggressive darkness and inky black yielded with grudging compliance but always seeming to push back. They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobwebs. The floor creaked. They breathed in tight, quick breaths. You could hear a pin drop.
Suddenly, there was a deep moan. "OOOOOOOOUUUUU". It seemed from below them. The house had been abandoned for years. Who or what could make such a sound? The boys looked at each other, but continued on, hearts pounding in their chests.
As they proceeded into the kitchen they encountered a swarm of flies. Buzzing and beating their necks and faces, they rushed and stumbled to the door, not stopping to see what they were truly feasting on. They slammed the door behind them. Maybe a body? But no way were they going back to find out. And again came the sound, "ooooOOOOOooooOOUUU" but louder this time, and closer.
They proceeded through the dark into the dining room. They saw a fully set dining table covered in cob webs. Dust-covered regal-looking glasses, goblets and silverware adorned the table. Spiders climbed on ivory plates. Clearly a house of privilege and set for a grand feast which never happened.
Or, perhaps, met a fatal end?
They pushed on. But again that unearthly howl.
"oooooOOOOOOOOOOOUuuuuUUUUuuUUOOOOooo".
They found the basement staircase, and from below, the sounds seemed to be emanating. Could they proceed? Would they? Did they dare? Two of the boys looked at each other, faces filled with worry.
But the third said, confidently, "We're going down there." Not wanting to seem the weaker, the other two boys steeled themselves and nodded.
The stairs creaked and groaned evily under their feet. The rickety banister shook in angry defiance. Insects and vermin scattered underneath them with every step. They were descending into hell, they knew, but none would turn back.
And the sound: "oOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUuuuuUUOOOO". Now loud enough to fill not only their heads but seeming to claw at their very souls!
Now at the basement door! The antique, crying squeak of the hinges eeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEee made the boys wince and almost cover their ears. But they had to know. WHAT is making that horrible, terrible sound?
"ooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUoooooUUUUUUUOOOOOOO"
In the center of the basement lay an unholy coffin! A twisted artistic expression of murder, decay and
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Because No L...No L...
He’s a boxer
But my record was ex-plunged.
...because they are always running out of time.
Good luck making a canoe out of their bark.
Picture myself and sister as young kids running around my grandparents house. My sister stubs her toe and begins to cry. My grandfather approaches and says “come here let me take a look at it” My sister crawls over, trying to calm down. “Oh man, you’ve really done it this time. Looks like we’re gonna have to call a … toe truck” Cue raging screams from my sister. Still makes me smile to this day
We'll have that vacuum cleaner up and running again in no time.
It seems that no matter how hard they try, they just can’t-elope
But It's not time yet
One is a crusty busstation the other one is a busty crustacean.
They're both tired.
Because that's when you fast.
Because it doesn’t have any feet!
Complete waste of time. It just runs around the kitchen making clucking noises
He replies “I know, this sub is full of reposts”
Nowadays you'd call him a scorekeeper, but back then he was a tally whacker.
It hasn’t come out yet.
Prism. It’s a light sentence.
When he gets to heaven he goes up to St. Peter and asks him: "St. Peter? The whole time I was alive, I've always wondered: Am I white with black stripes or black with white stripes?"
St. Peter responds: " Hmm. That's a good question. You're gonna have to take that up with the big guy." (meaning god)
So the zebra goes to God and repeats his question.
God responds with "Well, you are what you are."
The zebra's face lights up and he goes running back to St. Peter yelling "I know what I am! I know what I am!"
St Peter says "Okay, okay! Calm down. What are you?"
Zebra: "I'm white with black stripes!"
St. Peter: "How do you figure that?"
Zebra: "It's because when I asked God what I am, he said 'you are what you are'. If I was black with white stripes, he would've said 'you is what you is'!
Because 20/20 vision means you have perfectly good sight.
Pun on a pun: I wonder if RealClearPolitics.com will catch on.
I think she’s full of crap.
He had multiple tractors on his farm, tractor posters on his walls, watched documentaries about tractors, in short, his house was full of tractor paraphernalia.
One day, the Bob's wife, Mary was taking a stroll out in the fields, just where he happened to be riding one of his tractors. Bob was gunning it up and down the fields, having a blast. But then he started driving in the direction of his wife. Despite her screams, Bob couldnt hear Mary over the loud engine of his tractor, and ended up unfortunately running her over.
After this, Bob felt guilty about killing his wife. He sold all of his tractors, he took down all of his posters, and threw away all of his tractor merch. He sold his farm and bought a new house in the suburbs to further distance himself from tractors.
After a few years, Bob felt it was time to start dating again, so he started going to his local coffee shop, hoping to find a new girlfriend. Bob was pleased to find the most beautiful woman he had ever seen, so he introduced himself, and they really hit it off. They started going on dates and got to know each other better.
After a few years of dating, Bob felt it was time to propose, so he prepared a beautiful date in the fanciest restaurant in the city. They had a lovely dinner and before they ordered dessert, he decided it was time to propose. But as Bob got the ring box out of his pocket he dropped it, and bending over to pick it up, he knocked his head on the table, knocking a candle over. The candle set fire to the tablecloth and quickly spread to the carpet.
A waiter quickly came up and poured a big jug of water onto the fire in order to put it out, but this caused a plume of smoke to come up, filling the restaurant. Everyone was choking and coughing, so Bob takes a deep breath, sucking in all of the smoke, and runs out of the restaurant. He pokes his head out the door and breathes out, all of the smoke flying away outside. His date is amazed and asked "Wow! how did you do that?"
Bob laughed and said "It's quite simple, I'm an Ex-Tractor Fan"
He wanted to see time fly.
Save them to your Phone and always have witty jokes at the palm of your hand.
3.14 percent of sailors are pi-rates.
5/4 of people admit they’re bad at fractions.
A bartender broke up with her boyfriend, but he kept asking her for another shot.
A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. “I’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please,” it says. “Sorry, but I can’t serve you,” the bartender replies. “You’re out of your head.”
A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'
A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people: the student, his mama, and his pauper.
A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. “We don’t serve your kind here,” the bartender says. “Why not?” one yogurt asks. “We’re cultured.”
A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.
A friend of mine is known for sweeping girls off their feet. He’s an extremely aggressive janitor.
A guy walks into a bar, and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before?” The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place.”
A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.
A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, “What’s with the paper towel?” The pirate says, “Arrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head!”
A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”
Armed robbers—some say they’re a drain on society, but you’ve got to give it to them.
Barbers…you have to take your hat off to them.
Can February March? No, but April May!
Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill.
Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me.
Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.
Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut!
Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.
Daughter: I have a lot of friends named Nathan. There’s Nathan Miller, Nathan Radcliff, Nathan Lewis… Me: When they are together, do you call them the United Nathans?
Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.
Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!
Did you hear about the aquatic sea mammals that escape
... keep reading on reddit ➡It’s really irrigating.
He’s a Boxer.
