So, I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner the other day. It was just gathering dust!
What kind of bagel can fly? A plane one!
I went to a graveyard the other day, it was really crowded. I figure people are dying to get in.
Didja hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke? He won the no-bell prize!
What do you call a pointless pachyderm? An Irrelepahnt!
Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two-tired!
Ever hear about the restaurant on the moon? No atmosphere at all.
And to end it all: "I bet if I gave you some thyme you could mustard a response to this complete a-salt on language, but for now we're just beefing around!"
I was Thor just thinking about it.
I said, “That...sounds like a big step.”
Funnely enough
She just laughs and says, "Silly Daddy, I'm not hungry, I'm Nona." I didn't expect to be a grandfather so soon...
I couldn't get a single laugh from the guys in the other urinal stalls.
Crossfit
Wife : Do you know (artist's name)? Her skin care routine has 38 steps.
Me : Well, it's not that far tbh.
It’s not good enough to bring you to tears, but it’ll certainly moisturize.
To keep them on their toes.
The seasoned comedian at a night club was telling the new guy, “If you want a good spot in the line up, you’ll have to suck up to the club manager.”
“No way! I’m no brown noser. In fact, I’m writing this into my next routine, that’ll show her.”
He went back to his room and started thinking and writing.
The next weekend the old comedian was surprised when the new guy was first up on stage. He went through his routine flawlessly, never saying a mean word against the club’s manager... In fact he thanked her repeatedly.
The old comedian was astonished and asked, “What happened?”
“Well I wanted to stand my ground, ...but, um... bum kissed”
turns out my daily routine is more productive than others
Edit: thanks cappuch for better punchline and constructive criticism
I’m still trying to work out the bugs.
A classic Abbott and Costello routine from their radio show – where Bud Abbott is talking about his Uncle Herman who works in a dye factory, and Lou Costello confuses “dyeing” for “dying”
Single handedly!!!
There were inundated con sequences.
It’s a shame, he’s only half the man he could’ve been
The jokes were dead-on, really a killer performance.
Comedy is all about timing.
I’m working out the bugs.
...she laughed and said: "No-one expects the Spanish King's position."
I'm just not sure about this Dr. Acula.
At first it was hard but eventually they worked out the kinks.
I know it's been done before, and many a dad before me and many a dad after me will get to experience this, but in these dark times this was a ray of light that pierced me right to the core with joy.
I came home, and my bright and bubbly ballerina 6 year old runs up and says can I have a hug!?
She asks very tentatively because she knows I have been out all day and the routine is for me to grab a shower (COVID) before I let them get all over me.
So I say, not yet I'm dirty.
She says awww... then she turns to walk away, but then spins back around and looks at me dead in the eye and says:
Hi! um...
wait a sec,
um, I know um,
um, wait.... dir...
[Face beams the biggest smile of accomplishment]
Hi Dirty! I'm [daughter]!
I know we have those proud moments when they turn, but man her delivery, the awkwardness, and the sheer pride she beamed out when she realized she just pulled the reverse dad joke on me...
It's not the getting reverse dad'd, it's the joy and pride she had... she could have just graduated college, and that's how big her beaming smile was right then...
It's a memory I am going to keep and it really lit up this dark time.
It's the only way I can cope…
It was a comedy of errors.
and make it snappy”.
I hated eating anywhere with him, now I think it’s funny. Help, I’m turning into my father.
Selfish Schtick.
I just can't figure eight out!
I called my family tonight, they put me on speakerphone, and my less than ladylike little sister disappears with "I've got to go take a shit"
My father chimes in with his usual-- "Take one? That's weird, I always leave one when I go to the bathroom"
One of the techs did a stand up comedy routine. The humor wasn’t very funny, it mostly went for shock value.
a poutine routine!
I have a new qua-routine
She asked about the girl on screen getting ready for her routine: "Is she Russian?"
To which I replied : "No she's taking her time"
The eye roll was fantastic.
People would routinely bring him bread in an attempt to get him to eat. What people don't understand though is that Gandhi was actually a very temperamental man, and prone to anger. So even when his friends and family were the ones bringing him bread, he would take it and hurl it at them, sometimes leaving bruises and welts. He justified it by saying it was all a part of his philosophy of naan-violence.
"I just had the weirdest dream, and I can't make any sense of it."
Mrs Claus sits up and replies "Why don't you tell me about it dear?"
"They're I am, doing the Christmas eve rounds, checking in on the workers and I see one of them topping up the sleigh with gas. It's just routine work, but it woke me up tonight. What do you make of it?"
"Oh I see," Mrs Claus says, "very interesting."
"Well?" Santa says expectantly.
"This is a classic example of an elf fuel filling prophecy."
Dad Jokes are great and all, but I'm more into Sun Jokes. They're a little st-upiter and talk about Uranus a lot, but they're equally funny.
I went to practice my joke routine at a cemetery recently. The audience was really lifeless. Except for this one guy, he had a really deadpan laugh though.
They're very Praguematic over there
I was at a met station waiting for a met yesterday to go see my dad and this old man came up to me tapped me on the shoulder and said
"Don't turn around. We know who you are and we have come to help."
"Help with what?"
"You'll know soon but it's OK we are on your side"
He then walked off the met stop on the phone as if he wasn't even waiting for a met.
So it fucking turned out right my dad knows this fucking guy from working on the taxis and the guy text my dad to say he had seen me. My dad tells this guy to fucking follow me onto the met stop and play out this fucking routine.
^^^Edit:Fuck
My dads a dick...
Brit glossary:
Met = Metrolink -http://www.metrolink.co.uk/Pages/default.aspx - Overground rail travel. (Tram)
I said, “I don’t know. That seems ....like a big step.”
Her: Why don’t you try lunges?
Me: That sounds like a huge step.
I said, “That’s .... a big step.”
I said, “That sounds....like a big step.”
