True story, just happened, proud of myself: Dog starts barking furiously out of nowhere. Come to the door to see she's startled a pair of guys from a roofing company who've come to fix a hole where squirrels are getting in.
"Sorry about her. Her specialty is also roofing."
Blank stares. My talents are so wasted without kids.
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︎ Apr 14 2021
What do you you call a dog that works in roofing
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︎ Oct 08 2020
There once was a man who would buy tons of buckets of roofing sealant, change the label then resell them.
Sometimes he would simply rename the brand. Sometimes he would name it a different product entirely. In a few horrific instances he repackaged it as food products. Eventually he was found, arrested, and brought to court. And though he admitted to doing all those things, he insisted that he had done nothing illegal and that moreover, his actions were protected by the law and the Constitution. His reasoning?
"I have the right to rename sealant!!!"
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︎ Jul 29 2020
Today I found out that roofing in the summer heat can be really dangerous.
WARNING: HOT SHINGLES ARE IN YOUR AREA.
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︎ May 14 2020
My father ran his whole roofing business and it was a great success...
He had to stay on top of things tho...
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︎ May 13 2020
Roofing a new barn with my daughter. "Hey, you know that song about women roofers?" (No....) "Yeah you do - Shingle Ladies."
It's on the album "The Roof is For Hire"
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︎ Dec 29 2019
My girlfriend was infatuated with roofing equipment so I gave her an ultimatum: it's either me or the equipment.
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︎ Jul 10 2019
Our neighborhood roofing business is having a great promotion right now.
If you buy a roof, itβs on the house.
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︎ May 31 2019
Daughter: Dad, can my girlfriends and I start a Roofing Business?
Only if you call it "All The Shingle Ladies"
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︎ Aug 18 2019
When it comes to roofing houses, there's only two kinds of people; jumpers and climbers
Personally, I chose the latter
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︎ Aug 22 2018
Roofing jokes get to me
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︎ Jul 31 2017
If I owned a roofing company, and interviewed an applicant with a fear of heights.....
......I wouldn't "higher" them......
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︎ Jun 22 2015
I am losing money in the roofing business.
I think it's because I keep making them on the house.
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︎ Jan 25 2019
I helped my dad with some roofing today, and I think that the house had chicken pox when it was younger,
because now it has shingles.
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︎ May 13 2018
Why did the roofing students miss their final exam?
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︎ Sep 04 2016
Bought some roofing material today...
The cashier asked me, "are you going to put this on your Home Depot Card?"
"Nah, I'm going to put it on my chicken coop."
Wife, upon hearing it: "Nice one, 'John' (deceased father's name, not mine...I learned from the master).
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︎ Oct 31 2015
A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night....
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︎ May 23 2021
Need a new roof? Let me recommend my sisterβs all female company...
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︎ May 30 2021
I have to change my roof but donβt have any money
Thankfully, the contractor said itβll be on the house
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︎ Jun 07 2021
The best relationships are formed on a roof.
That way I know it was built on truss.
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︎ Jun 07 2021
how much does a roof cost ?
nothing - itβs on the house
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︎ Apr 20 2021
Asked my contractor why he didnβt bill me for my new roof
He said βDonβt worry about it, itβs on the house!β
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︎ Apr 25 2021
My roof caved in on me... and I no longer feel safe.
I think I have truss issues
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︎ May 12 2021
I can't stop climbing up through the garage to the roof...
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︎ May 15 2021
The sales at my florist store are going through the roof!
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︎ Jun 08 2021
Two cats are on a metal roof. Which one slides off first?
The one with the lowest ΞΌ
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︎ Apr 28 2021
Awesome deal
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︎ May 27 2021
In these challenging times, I worry about the virus and keeping a roof over my head.
So I went and got the shingles vaccine.
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︎ Apr 08 2021
I decided to throw a block of butter off my roof today...
I guess i could say that i saw a butterfly
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︎ Feb 26 2021
My two sons 5&8 are playing Minecraft this morning on survival. They are working hard together to build their mansion. I crossed the room in front of the TV to grab my phone as they are balanced high on a wall constructing a roof. My son screams out, βDad get out of the way!β
I said, βYouβre the ones blocking!β
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︎ Jun 27 2020
I have a great joke about the floor and the roof.
It has a lot of potential.
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︎ Apr 02 2021
Sister: we'll also need to find out about how much a new roof costs.
Me: contractors do that for free.
Sister: really?
Me: yeah, it's on the house.
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︎ Mar 29 2021
It's June 1st!
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︎ Jun 01 2021
I've started a boat building business in my attic...
...sails are going through the roof.
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︎ May 13 2021
Saw some cows on the roof playing poker...
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︎ Jan 05 2021
Two TV antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married...
The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.
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︎ Mar 05 2021
Wife says I wonβt get 5 upvotes for this, but... Did you hear the one about the dog and the tree?
They had a long conversation about bark.
Edit: Y'all are nuts! We're somewhere north of 10k upvotes now, so I'll direct any remaining attention to Boot Camp for New Dads.
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︎ Feb 18 2021
We need to be very careful about collapsing Wall Street so we donβt get crushed by Roof Street
Posted on shower thoughts first, they told me to bring it here. I should have thought of that first. Anyways here ya go.
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︎ Jan 28 2021
What sound did the piano make when it was thrown off the barracks roof?
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︎ Jan 25 2021
The Russian president was spotted on the roof of a hotel.
At that point, he was truly Putin on the Ritz.
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︎ Jan 20 2021
Tongue, Teeth, Saliva, Roof, Soft Palate, Hard Palate, Uvuula, Taste Buds, Gums...
Wow, that was really a mouthful...
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︎ Dec 07 2020
Two antennas met on a roof and fell in love
The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was incredible
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︎ Nov 19 2020
My mate tiled my roof for me.
When I asked him how much I owed him, he said, "Don't worry. It's on the house."
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︎ Oct 26 2020
Wanna hear a roof joke?
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︎ Jul 07 2020
High but not so high IQ meme
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︎ Apr 15 2021
Had dinner with my gf on the roof...
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︎ Nov 25 2020
Roof leaking
I've been having issues with the roof leaking into the storage space below it. It's being very problem attic
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︎ Nov 28 2020
Why was the dumb person on the roof of a bar?
Someone told them the drinks were on the house
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︎ Oct 02 2020
Two antenna met on a roof and eventually got married
The ceremony wasnβt much but the reception was incredible
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︎ Nov 14 2020
How much does a roof cost?
Nothing, it's on the house...
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︎ Jun 01 2021
How much does a roof cost?
Nothing - it's on the house!
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︎ May 27 2021
How much does a roof cost?
Nothing.... it's on the house bah dum tsss
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︎ Jun 02 2021
A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night
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︎ Dec 05 2020
How much does a chimney cost?
Nothing, itβs on the house ;)
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︎ May 03 2021
How much does a roof cost?
Nothing, it's on the house
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︎ Aug 13 2020
A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night
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︎ Jul 11 2019
A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night
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︎ Aug 20 2020
I started a ship building business inside my house
Sails are through the roof
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︎ Jun 06 2021
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