One my friends is studying in New Zealand and her boyfriend is studying in Canada. I told this to someone and remarked on how romantic it would be for them to date on the International date line .
My mum was putting away a container of raspberries and remarked that is was leaking
I said "Maybe you should put it in the vegetable drawer"
My sister remarked that our yard was "small"
I looked at her a bit surprised. "Our yard is actually larger than the average yard, at least twice as much!" She showed me a picture of her friends yard, and I told her "That yard has to be at least 20, even 30 times larger than the average yard, ours is only twice as large, I checked. It's at least 7 feet."
"Measure twice, cut once," tom remarked
My mom remarked that the obituaries had had more people in them than usual.
My dad replied "well people are just dying to get in there"
What is the most remarkable invention of the past 100 years?
The most remarkable invention...
I apologise for any cutting remarks
Did y'all hear the Germans may ditch the Euro?
Apparently, their economy is remarkable.
(This may be more of a granddad joke timewise)
I ran into my friend Mark who stole my dictionary
I got carded at a liquor store, and my Blockbuster card accidentally fell out.
The cashier said never mind.
You know what’s remarkable?
I’ve noticed something remarkable about Amazon’s delivery trucks.
No matter where they park it’s always a prime location.
Some top Tom Swifties
- "Can't talk, busy camping," replied Tom, intent.
- "The French don't deserve our thanks," said Tom mercilessly.
- "Haven't you heard me singing in church?" Tom inquired.
- "I'll win this tennis game if I get one more point, " Tom deduced.
- "I didn't eat my T-bone tonight," said Tom mistakenly.
- "So you're asking about my mink coat," Tom inferred.
- "I'm wearing a watch around my wrist," said Tom with abandon.
- "I'm the most important salmon vendor," said Tom selfishly.
- "I was correct the first three times, and I am correct now," said Tom forthrightly.
- "Castration is reversible," Tom remembered.
- "I brought the dessert," said Tom piously.
- "I command my own private army," said Tom maliciously.
- "I'll order the same meat as last time," Tom revealed.
- "I've never swum in Egypt's longest river," said Tom in denial.
- "Et tu?" asked Tom brutally.
- "That's women for you," said Tom dismissively.
- "I'll have a bowl of Chinese soup," said Tom wantonly.
- "I eat everything," said Tom in jest.
- "I gave you your freedom, and I can take it away," said Tom deliberately.
- "Maybe if I rub this lamp something good will happen," said Tom ingeniously.
- "I'm never taking an Uber again," Tom derided.
- "That dog is a mongrel," Tom muttered.
- "It's too bad Babe isn't on our team," said Tom ruthlessly.
- "Maybe I should stop using worms to catch fish... or maybe not," Tom debated.
- "Hemingway is my favorite author," said Tom earnestly.
- "This drumming is too easy," said Tom without missing a beat.
- "This is a frozen dessert,” I screamed.
- "Now I have TWO duck feathers", Tom doubled down.
- "She would never answer her phone the first time, you always had to hang up once," Tom recalled.
- "Two plus five is seven,” Tom added.
- "I only have Diamonds, Clubs and Spades," said Tom heartlessly.
- "It's okay, the PlayStation still works," Tom consoled.
- "Capital punishment is mostly used on the lower classes," said Tom with poor execution.
- "Where are all of my old board games?" asked Tom cluelessly.
- "I might be acquitted," said Tom without conviction.
- "I've never dyed my hair red, but I'll try it," said Tom gingerly.
- "Ugh! I need to shave again," Tom bristled.
- "Whale hunting makes me so sad," Tom blubbered.
- "I'll quit smoking marijuana right now!" said Tom bluntly.
- "I like hot dogs more than hamburgers," said Tom frankly.
- "I signed it twice," Tom remarked.
- "I received a letter to take my car in for repair," Tom recalled.
- "I hate pale ale," sai
...
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Made this one up when I was 12 💀
What direction do frightened cows run?
Coward.
My daughter came up with this when she was 11. She's very proud of it and asked me to share.
Where do cows and pigs work?
At a Farm-acy
Of all the inventions over the last 100 years...
the Dry Erase Board has been the most remarkable.
Marriage Survival Tip #1:
Don't ask your wife when dinner will be ready while she is mowing the lawn.
Pets are remarkably intelligent. I asked my pet what 2-2 is this morning
and he said nothing. A two month old dog knows basic maths!!!
Recently, I was asked "Which invention of the 20th century is the most remarkable?"
After a moment I replied, "Dry erase boards, certainly."
three guys walk into a bar...
From my dad while we were watching a YT video and the ocean pops up then the youtuber says, "It's peaceful here."
My dad immediately remarks, "It's fish-ful there haha."
why did the drummer get punished?
People with 80’s hairstyles are so indecisive
They always need time to mull-et over
Of all the inventions over the past 300 years, do you know what’s the most remarkable?
I bought a whiteboard today
If there's one thing I own that's remarkable
The scientist who cloned himself was arrested, when he was found pushing said clone off a balcony.
He admitted guilt, and said he did it because the clone made inappropriate remarks about him. Judges ruled him guilty of making an obscene clone fall.
Have you heard of whiteboards?
They're a pretty remarkable invention
White boards are remarkable.
When does Serena Williams train for Wimbledon?
I hope the inventor of the whiteboard realizes how truly remarkable his creation is.
Did you know you can erase things on a white board? Its pretty remarkable
The humble whiteboard...
One of humanity's most remarkable inventions.
In a recent interview with David Draiman a reporter commented on his remarkable quarantine weight gain.
Disturbed's lead singer just laughed like a monkey and said he was "down with the thiccness."
I was at a concert of which a Scandinavian woman was playing on stage, one of my friends turns to me and remarks “I wonder if she’s from Sweden” another friend says “maybe Norway?” My final friend asks “do you thinks she’s Finnish?”
I boastfully reply “I fucking hope not she’s only been on five minutes”
Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable.
Whiteboards... are remarkable
What is so great about that whiteboard?
Of all the inventions in the world the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable.
Dry erase boards are of the great modern inventions.
I mean, there just remarkable!
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