I still think he was selling himself short.
Those are Apple Bottom Genes.
She really wants to know who I’m siding with
I ode her that much.
"Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?"
He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It must be the Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite.
At lunchtime, she asks him if he'd like something. "How about a bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?"
He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food.
Come dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"
He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra. I'm still not hungry."
"Well," she says: ""Can you now stop and get off me? I'm bloody starving!!".
It's called - Hairy Potter.
It was an odd love triangle...
But now I stand corrected
I can and I will.
While putting on a pair of jeans this morning before work, I remarked to my gf something along the lines of "I've had these jeans for years, they're so old!"
To which she replied: "Yeah I can see that, they look like they've been in your family for generations."
I'm still absolutely floored with pride.
The connection was bad, I couldn’t hear a thing.
They probably can't come to agreement on Spiderman because they don't want any strings attached.
People going so crazy it breaks the whole web
So I'm watching a show called outrageous 911 Calls, and there was a story of an old man who was cooking bacon that ended up burning. So he opens up his back door to try and air out some of the smoke. Well, the smell starts attracting flies and of course he calls the police to report it and hope that they can send someone to handle the fly issue. The emergency operator says the police cannot do anything to help him.
So I turn to my friend who is watching along side me, and I say, "Obviously the police can't help him, he needs a swat team."
Bah dum, tss
A masquerade
I was about thyme.
1 + 1 = 2. Thanks.
"Cedar, that's what I'm talking about. Its not oak-ee doke to take credit for what wood be my joke. Every bodhi has to create their own." I told her. Didn't mean to chop her down like that in hindsight. I hope she still pines after me.
It's a new addition.
She responded “you know, I slave away all day in this kitchen..”
So I cut in: “and you still can’t seem to get it right.”
On the plus side, it’s way roomier than I would have expected in this doghouse.
It was about time
They're all right now.
One of my housemates said he thought a hedgehog would make a cool pet, I replied "Nah, you don't want a hedgehog, they're all pricks."
I grew up in Vermont. Around my town were plenty of dairy farms, inviting the always wonderful manure aroma. An aroma that nearly forced my father to inhale deeply through his nose, saying, "Ah, fresh Vermont air!"
That's an excellent Dad one liner, as are most dad jokes, but he had another great one that I'm getting to.
You see, the hay bails we saw growing up in Vermont were mostly the cube variety. Hay bailing technology at the time created cubes of hay, so that's what dotted the fields they'd graze in.
As we grew older, we starting noticing the now more common round bails of hay. Dad was not pleased.
I asked him what the problem was or, at least, what his problem was with the round bails. The best jokes are set up when you ask for them.
So, he tells me. New farming technology allowed the round bails to be created more efficiently. They used less fuel in the bailers, took less passes on the field to gather the hay. They used less twine, and even though they didn't fill a truck as well as square bails, there was still a net monetary gain from the efficiency gained elsewhere.
However, studies were done on the bails. The cows approached them differently due to the different alignment of surface area. The way the rain hit the bails and rolled off as opposed to soaking in leached nutrients out of the hay. Some cows even mistook the shape of bail for another animal, and approached them so nervously that their heart rates were known to raise significantly; such a rate that a tinge of acidity could be tasted by those in the know in their milk.
What all of this amounted to... is that with the new round bails of hay, the cows just weren't getting a good square meal.
"Revolting!"
This can be a good learning experience for you, It's best to get help on the front end, don't be to proud to do that, try your best to stay caught up. I couldn't spell Kat when I first heard the word but with some help I finally picked up on it.
...some STIFF competition
Yes energy matters, but only if you you divide it by the speed of light squared.
I opened up the front door to check if a package had been delivered and walked away disappointed, "Darnit! I was expecting my deoderant to arrive."
Wife, in the most "whatever" tone she could muster: "Oh no! What are you going to do?"
Me: "I'm going to throw my hands in the air and say, 'This stinks!'"
Edit: Fixed phone keyboard nonsense.
As my dad was driving me to college we saw a sign called the Havre De Grace Decoy Museum. My dad asks me, "If that is the decoy museum, where is the real one?!
Background:
Eating dinner at a friends house with about 8 people. I have no idea how, but we started talking about prostate exams, and how men would rather have slimmer fingers than bigger ones perform the exam.
Me: Yea, I would rather have someone with smaller hands do the exam, but I would prefer a male doctor than a female.
Friend 1: Do you think there are any homosexual male proctologists?
Friend 2: I'm sure some have slipped through the cracks.
Well it started out as herpes. Guess it's ourpes now.
Creds to /u/straydog1980 for making my day.
Daughter: "Dad, call the dog!"
My buddy: "What should I call it?"
Me: I think I'll take a piece for the road.
My dad: why don't you just take a piece for your self, the road isn't hungry
GF: "It's about this girl who travels the world searching for herself..."
Me: "Sounds like buying a mirror could have saved a lot of time and effort"
Me: Is the next Super Bowl just going to be "L"? Cause that doesn't sound as cool as XLIX. It needs lots of Xs.
Dad: Maybe it'll be XxV, get it? Like X times V.
Me: Uh-huh. Wait, did the Romans even know how to multiply?
Dad: Of course they did, that's why there were so many of them!
My wife and I love trying new restaurants, so she was excited to tell me about a review she read about a local place that featured food from Laos.
Naturally, I had to ask: "Did the critic think the food was Laos-y?"
I told my dad about Robert Konrad falling out of his boat and swimming 12 hours back to shore in the dark facing 10 foot waves, sharks, stinging jellyfish and 25 mile per hour winds. He poked his head around the corner and said "You know how he survived don't you? He is a dolphin." I cringed so hard since I was expecting some old man wisdom about the will to live etc. edit: actually he spent 16 hours in the water swimming for shore.
