So you think you know what "recognise means"?

Think again.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ‘€︎ u/BossRediter87
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2018
🚨︎ report
Saw Michael J. Fox the other day, in a garden center of all places. Didn't recognise him straight away though

he had his back to the fuchsias.

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ‘€︎ u/IAMBiSH
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2017
🚨︎ report
Why is it so hard to recognise a pilot?

They always travel in disguise.

πŸ‘︎ 39
πŸ‘€︎ u/lm014
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2015
🚨︎ report
How to recognise pirates - a rough guide

A sailor and his buddies are walking down the streets, looking for the nearest pub. A guard takes one look at their arms and immediately arrests them for piracy. He could see their coarse hairs.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ‘€︎ u/spritefamiliar
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2016
🚨︎ report
A girl came up to me and said she recognised me from her vegetarian resturaunt.

I was a bit confused, I'd never met herbivore.

πŸ‘︎ 10k
πŸ‘€︎ u/BucketHatManReni
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2018
🚨︎ report
A new criminal has been recognised as stealing car wheels

Police are attempting to catch him tyrelessly

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ‘€︎ u/Patrick_L58
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2020
🚨︎ report
I was talking to a lady this morning who said she recognised me from 'Vegan Club'

but I'm pretty certain I'd never seen herbivore

πŸ‘︎ 23
πŸ‘€︎ u/cotswoldboy
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2019
🚨︎ report
Had a dream yesterday. It was year 2021, There was a new pandemic of stomach flu...

We all had to wear diapers and we quickly recognised that masks in 2020 were not that bad.

πŸ‘︎ 31
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2020
🚨︎ report
A woman said she recognised me from the drive thru vegetable club

I don't know how because I don't even avocado

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ‘€︎ u/ChazyLamy
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2018
🚨︎ report
Siri stopped recognising 007s voice...

"No Mr Bond I expect you to dial."

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ‘€︎ u/GavChap
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2017
🚨︎ report
I heard a story once about a train driver.

He was operating a late night train and fell asleep at the controls. He ended up failing to recognise a stop sign and as a result his train hit a person and killed them immediately. He was tried for manslaughter and sentenced to the electric chair. Just before being put in the chair, he was given the choice of final meal and chose a single banana, oddly. His time came and he was placed into the chair, the room vacated and then the switch was thrown.

But... Nothing. No sparks, no burning, nothing. They checked the machine and it was working fine, it just seemed not to harm him. The state law meant that, legally, his sentence had been carried out and he was free to go. He walked away a free man, and actually got another job as a train driver.

Sadly, almost exactly the same thing happened again. This time his negligence killed two kids playing around on the tracks when again he'd fallen asleep and failed to stop the train in time. Hauled before the courts again, he got exactly the same sentence - the electric chair. He was asked again for his final meal, chose two bananas this time, and his sentence was carried out again.

And yet again, he didn't die. In fact, he was entirely unharmed. The state law remained the same, so he was let out again, where - somehow - he got another job with another train company. I guess it was the only job he was trained for (pardon the pun). Anyway, this time he did much better and worked hard to stay awake during his late shifts. But sure enough, eventually he slipped back in to old habits and this time killed five people - a family trying to free their dog stuck in the tracks.

Once again he faced a jury, once again they found him guilty and a judge sentenced him to the electric chair. This time he asked for 5 bananas, but the guard was wiley - he has read about this man and how he always had bananas before his sentence was carried out, and so this time (with a grin, it's said) he brought the train driver 5 apples instead. The guilty man plead and begged for bananas, but the guard claimed it was an honest mistake but too late to change now.

The man was lead for a third time to the electric chair. His head was wetted, his arms strapped in, and the guard eyed him with something between wonder and fear. Finally the room was vacated and the switch thrown. Surely this time the machine would do its job? With the process finished, the guard ran back into the room, only to find the man still alive and looking entirely healthy. "I do

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ‘€︎ u/homelesspancake
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2019
🚨︎ report
A story about a legendary Composer

In 1827, after Beethoven died, he was buried outside the local church, in the graveyard, and people came to pay their respects frequently.

One morning, about a week after the funeral, two girls came to leave some flowers on his grave, only to hear strange, unearthly sounds coming from it. Creeped out, they called for the local Paranormal Investigator.

The Investigator arrived an hour later, and with him, a small crowd, who had come to see what was happening to the composer’s grave.

Suddenly, one member of the crowd exclaimed, β€œI recognise that sound! It’s his 9th Symphony, backwards!”

Soon after, another said, β€œand that’s his 8th, backwards!”

After leaning closer to the grave to inspect this for himself, the Investigator straightened himself up, gave a soft chuckle, and said:

β€œNever fear, ladies and gentlemen! Beethoven’s just decomposing.”

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ‘€︎ u/SnixyZ
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2020
🚨︎ report
Q. What’s the difference between a weasel and a stoat?

A. A weasel is weasely recognised, and a stoat is stoatally different!

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ‘€︎ u/maryfountain
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2019
🚨︎ report
It's easy to tell the difference between a weasel and a stote...

One is weasely recognisable, the other'stotely different.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2018
🚨︎ report
The floods had subsided, and Noah had safely landed his ark on Mount Sinai. "Go forth and multiply!" he told the animals...

...and so off they went two by two, and within a few weeks Noah heard the chatter of tiny monkeys, the snarl of tiny tigers and the stomp of baby elephants.

Then he heard something he didn't recognise… a loud, revving buzz coming from the woods. He went in to find out what strange animal's offspring was making this noise, and discovered a pair of snakes wielding a chainsaw.

"What on earth are you doing?" he cried. "You're destroying the trees!"

"Well Noah," the snakes replied, "we tried to multiply as you bade us, but we're adders… so we have to use logs."

πŸ‘︎ 24
πŸ‘€︎ u/bittibitti
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2018
🚨︎ report
Dadjoked while watching the news

Friday after work, just sitting down to dinner with my dad, the news is showing on the TV. A story comes on about body parts that were found in a river recently. The police are appealing to anyone who recognises a tattoo thats on the forearm close to the hand, to come forward and help the police with their investigation.

My dad turns to me with a huge grin on his face and says, "Well, I guess that's a pretty handy clue to have".

Nice work dad.

πŸ‘︎ 143
πŸ‘€︎ u/JanskiGG
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2015
🚨︎ report
old maths teacher joke

Our teacher used to love that joke - 25 years ago...


A veteran maths teacher on a crap state-paid salary leaves his local mall and heads for his battered old car. When he has nearly reached it, he sees a big, expensive, luxury vehicle pulling into a parking spot nearby, and when the driver gets out he recognises him as one of the stupidest students he ever had.

He approaches him and the two get chating; and it turns out the guy buys and sells specialised cardboard-boxes which companies use to ship delicate goods in.

Finally the teacher says: "You really seem to have done well for yourself. I must admit that I am a bit surprised. Because you never really were all that talented in shool, were you?"

And the guy smiles and answers: "Yes, well, you know, there is not that much too it, really. I buy cardboard boxes for 1 dollar a piece, and I sell them for 4 dollars a piece. And I live off that 3% profit margin."

πŸ‘︎ 21
πŸ‘€︎ u/Scrugulus
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2017
🚨︎ report
Brian, the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, is taking a stroll down his local high street. As he passes by the record shop, a sign catches his eye. "Just Released - New LP - Wasps of the World & the sounds that they make - available now"

Unable to resist the temptation, Brian goes into the shop. "I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make. I'd very much like to listen to the new LP you have advertised in the window."

"Certainly, Sir," says the young man behind the counter. "If you'd like to step into the booth and put on the headphones, I'll put the LP on for you."

Brian, the world's leading expert on European wasps, goes into the booth and puts on the earphones.

Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth and announces, "I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make and yet I recognized none of those."

"I'm sorry Sir," says the young assistant. "If you'd care to step into the booth, I can let you have another 10 minutes."

Brian, the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds they make, steps back into the booth and replaces the headphones. Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth shaking his head. "I don't understand it," he says, "I am the worlds leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, and yet I still can't recognise any of those!"

"I really am terribly sorry," says the young assistant, "I've just realised I was playing you the bee side!"

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ‘€︎ u/mykeuk
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2018
🚨︎ report
My friend's "classic" way of setting me up with random people...

He asks them to feel my jacket/shirt/whatever I'm wearing. He then asks if they recognise the fabric. When they respond with "no," he'll tell them:

"That's boyfriend material."

πŸ‘︎ 188
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2014
🚨︎ report
My Dad got me today.

We were discussing a problem encountered with self-checkout machines at supermarkets. When buying lemons, you could buy 1 lemon, or 3 lemons. Not 2, because for some reason the machine won't recognise it.
Dad says "Well that makes sense, because if you buy 2 lemons then it's a pear; and they'll be a different price!"
I simultaneously laughed and facepalmed.

πŸ‘︎ 103
πŸ‘€︎ u/Tibbsy152
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2014
🚨︎ report
A girl came up to me and said she recognised me from her vegetarian restaurant.

I was a bit confused, because I've never met herbivore.

πŸ‘︎ 69
πŸ‘€︎ u/EveryNameIsStolen
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20 2019
🚨︎ report
This girl came up to me today and said she recognised me from the vegetarian club...

I was confused because I'd never met herbivore.

πŸ‘︎ 104
πŸ‘€︎ u/v_cleaner
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2015
🚨︎ report
A woman came up to me the other day and said she recognised me from the local vegetarian club i go to

But i'd never seen herbivore

πŸ‘︎ 32
πŸ‘€︎ u/superdrew91
πŸ“…︎ Aug 14 2017
🚨︎ report
A woman told me she recognised me from the vegetarian club

But I'd never met herbivore

πŸ‘︎ 24
πŸ‘€︎ u/life4life1
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2018
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.