Quicker Puns

Must be why they call them hurry-canes.

it’s obviously a longer plane ride.

We were talking about how I had to write an essay at school today.

Mom: What was the essay on?

Me: Paper.

Told him to use both and he’d probably find him a lot quicker.

My thinking was that if I take their shells off, that they'd be lighter and quicker.

All it did was make them a bit sluggish.

I was quicker to the draw.

My boy, Arthur, is slow. He is the slowest child I’ve ever met. And I don’t mean mentally, he just doesn’t move quickly at all no matter what the urgency.

He takes an hour to get out of bed and stand up in the morning. He takes an hour to eat. When we go anywhere we have to tell him 20 minutes in advance because he takes that long to get his shoes on. His showers…we had to install an industrial sized water heater and hook it up to his shower exclusively because he would drain the tank and shower in ice cold water and started getting sick from it.

The worst part is that even if you help him out he doesn’t go faster. We can feed him and he’ll just swallow slower. We can wash him and he’ll just sit there for longer.

I’ve learned to live with it and be content because I know he won’t change. But my wife can’t take it. Just the other day she told me she was going to punish him to make him go quicker:

“I’ve had it with him! I’m going to start giving him timeouts and taking away toys for going so slow!”

“Honey,” I said, “it’ll never work.”

“Why not?!”

“Because you can’t rush Art.”

Got my whole Tafe class with this, thanks to a good setup from a mate. He says: I can't believe that guy stole your gate! The class: what the hell? Me: yeah, I was watering my front lawn, and this bloke walks up to my gate, looks at me, picks my gate up off its hinges and walked off with it! The class: what??? You didn't say anything?!! Me: no, I didn't want him to take a-fence... The class: laughs and groans of disappointment as they realize they fell for it.

I said "It's probably because I have quicker feet and a longer reach."

Might be quicker if I do it in the daytime too.

As my gf and I were going out to celebrate a friend's birthday, we had already forgot to put the card in her purse earlier. And once we get in the car:

Gf: I forgot the card again! Me: Hmm, that's strange, it looks like you have it on. Gf: What do you mean? Where is....

She looks down at the sweater she's wearing.

Gf: Oh you asshole!

Well it’s quicker than saying “‘Allo Vera...!”

A quaint little men's class,

a few with class,

some smelling of a gin glass,

some with eyes of a lass,

the remainder eyeing a lad,

but all glad,

and all present,

youngster of the present,

bearders of the crescent,

readers new testaments,

preachers of old testaments,

bearers of saffron tenets,

wearers of white tints,

weird lovers of croissant,

well, all here, will all hear?

we never know,

lets look at the show

 

The English teacher, said,

"how to drink a juice?"

i know, said bart the bartender,

"with vodka and chicken tender"

the weirded beardo now angry,

showed he was a shouter,

wanted to be a bart-ender,

while shushing the crowd,

use a pipe, piped up a voice, loud,

"huh" exclaimed preacher pastor,

"no smoking" he said, showing a guilty fluster ,

"no sir" said the voice,

I'm extra maker,

spoke the voice quicker,

Mr.White scratching head,

"I'm an ex-straw maker",

the air cleared.

 

Proceeding further, Teacher continued,

the class was listening, eyes glued,

"etiquette is important" he said,

"wear napkin before eating",

their faces changed,

pulse now beating,

Mr.White said, "sir, we don't bleed",

an irritated saffron Sundar spoke,

"if you bleed, education you don't need"

the English sir, now a sundered bloke,

calmed the masked fish market,

as his God's fate chisel hammered,

"Do you know how to fork?" he stammered,

a brief silence, and too many whispers later

"I Pen is use sir", said a bright face,

"Do you know how to use a fork?" he corrected,

with damage now done, Silence resumed.

 

>ThePundits

As a Boy Scout, we would camp a lot and go on hikes.

One night, we had to do a night hike, alone, for a merit badge. I had left the campsite about an hour earlier and a terrible storm rolled in. The sky opened up and the ground was quickly saturated. I tried to continue my hike for another few minutes, but it got cold and I was chilled and soaked to the bone, so I decided to try to head back to camp.

Lightning was starting to crackle above me, so I thought I should try to take a shortcut to make my hike back quicker. I pulled out my compass and found my direction, but the rain made it impossible to see more than five feet in front of me.

I was looking down at my compass, not paying any attention to where I was going, and suddenly felt weightless. The feeling didn't last long as I thumped down on slippery earth a second later.

I had fallen onto a ledge on the side of a rather steep cliff, the bottom of which was at least fifty feet down.

I sat there, contemplating on how to get back up this cliff as water rolled over the edge ten feet above me. There was nothing to grab onto to pull myself up. I was stuck there.

After a few minutes, I noticed the little ledge I was standing on was slowly getting smaller. The water was coming down so hard it was eroding the tiny bit of safety I had.

I dug through my pockets, thinking maybe I had something, anything, to help me out of my precarious situation. All I had was my compass, a cough drop, and a match. I was screwed.

So, I sat there, watching the edge of the ledge I was on get closer and closer to my feet, when suddenly I felt something pushing on my back.

I turned slightly and saw a wooden box sticking out of the cliff behind me. It was working its way out of the side, the rain surely helping it along. I tried to move away from it, but the ledge wasn't very wide and the box kept coming out, pushing me farther to the weak and failing edge.

As more of the box came out, to my horror, I realized it was a coffin! I had no idea how old it was, but it looked rather rotten. All I could think of was being pushed off this ledge, and the rotten coffin breaking and dropping a skeleton onto my broken and battered body at the bottom.

The coffin crept closer, my foot began to slip. I grabbed onto a root that was sticking out of the cliffside and dug in my pocket once more.

I hurriedly tore the wrapper off the cough drop and stuck it in my mouth. It stopped the coffin.

This joke has been told to me

I was proud of this one. She wasn't very impressed.
https://i.imgur.com/7335LGi.png

EDIT: I'm a dad, and I've found that these reactions come quicker and quicker the longer I've been a father. There's something to this dad joke thing... something in our genes.

He turned to me and asked, "wouldn't driving there be quicker?"

I have been watching our 'tax payer funded' spaceman Major Tim Peake's intergalactic adventures with very limited interest and have done some some pretty basic arithmetic. The ISS is 250 miles above the Earth,and Tim and his spaceman mates took off at 11am -ish, and it took 7 hrs to get there. Fuck me that is just a little over 35 mph, my first car an mk1 escort would have got there quicker!

I took its shell off to make it lighter, thus quicker.

But that just made it more sluggish...

Walking with a coworker talking about my 6 week old son Miles:

Coworker: Seems like Miles is progressing quicker than most at his age. He's got some good genes!

Me: Good khakis, too.

Not my best work, but again: new dad here. You gotta crawl before you can walk!

My 87-year-old grandpa is very hard of hearing and usually takes just a little longer to process thoughts than most people. But he was on top of his game tonight at dinner.

My mom: "Alright, let's say a little grace."

The moment that my mom finished saying the word "grace," my grandpa said, "A little grace."

I guess after being a dad for over 50 years, the jokes come quicker than normal speech. Hopefully, one day I, too, will reach this mastery of the art of dadjoking.

FM: Damn, my last two eggs. I keep seeming to go through them quicker and quicker.

Me: Would you say you're being eggsponetial?

Needless to say, I didn't get a hot breakfast.

Dad: Y'know, it'd be quicker if you drove, hur hur!

Or sometimes, Dad: I was gonna ask for ice cream, but if you're not driving, it'll be melted before you get back, hur hur!

Sadly, I've now started saying the first one. <crying>

She mentioned she had to run to a nearby town to drop off my son's friend. "You should probably drive, it will be a lot quicker."

Me: Alright, Ive got to run. Dad: Just take your car. It will be quicker.

I'this wasn't even funny, just painful. My coworker lives in Long Island but he works in Queens where I live. One day, I drove him home and he said that the traffic lights change from yellow to red so much quicker than in Long Island. After driving in both places, I realized he was right. Fastforward to today. I'm in the car with my uncle and we're going past a traffic light in Brooklyn. I tell him, "I never realized how long the lights are in Long Island." Him, "I guess that's why they call it Long Island." painful groaning

"Dad, Im thirsty!" Dad - "You're thirsty? Well Im Friday!"

"Im just going to hop in the shower quick" Dad - "Just stand still while your in there"

"Im running out to the store do you need anything?" Dad "Yes, but take the car it'll be much quicker"

Dad - "Does your face hurt" Me " No, why?" Dad " 'Cause it's killing me!"

These go on and on. He's a great guy - made my childhood a very happy one.

When I'm leaving the apartment to go to the store I'll say "I'll be back, running up to the store."

Without fail every time he responds "Take your truck, it'll be quicker than running"

and the dadliest dad i've ever heard dropped this one on his unsuspecting wife...

wife: i think i'm going to run down to the store, can you keep an eye on the kids?

dadliest dad: you know, if you just drive down it would probably be a lot quicker.

wife: okay, thanks for the suggestion smartypants.

dadliest dad: <smirkliest smirk>

the wifes response to this goldmine made me realize that he is, indeed, a walking(unlike his wife), talking, dadjoke.

Paralegal: OK, I'm gonna run to the post office real quick, then grab lunch.

Boss: Y'know, it'd probably be quicker if you took your car.

I asked an American friend if Hawaiian pizzas are actually popular in Hawaii. Alas, dad was quicker and reminded me that any type of pizza in Hawaii is Hawaiian, obviously.

My tactic was if I take the shells off, they’ll be lighter and quicker,

All it did was make them a bit sluggish