Wife: "Whenever I keep money in my purse, our son steals it! I don’t know what to do?"

Me: "Hide it in his books. I know he will never touch them."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/crazyfortaco
πŸ“…︎ May 18 2021
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What do you call the act of rummaging around in a purse by a warthog that is good at talking to women?

A smooth boar rifle.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/llahlahkje
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2021
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Doctor arrested for theft. He checked the purse of his patient.
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2021
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I watched an old lady in a head wrap get mugged for her purse before she quickly stabbed the man and took it back.

It was a shawl shank redemption

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/De_Salvation
πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2020
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Decided I’m gonna open a purse shop in Iraq

Think I’ll call it Bagdad

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bradb717
πŸ“…︎ Jul 21 2020
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I accidentally gave my wife a glue stick from her purse, instead of her lip stick.

She still isn’t talking to me.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kbig22432
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2020
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A Father in Iraq gifted his daughter a new purse for her birthday.

She replied β€œThanks for the Baghdad”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/oJEWBACAo
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2018
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I bought new shoes and a new purse.

Now I feel like a SHOE-PURSE-STAR!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/figgerer
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2019
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My wife said she lost her purse...

I told her "That sounds like a purse-onal problem."

I'm sleeping on the couch tonight.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Talon184
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2019
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Wife [while washing hands]: I need to switch to a different purse before church

Me: be sure to finish washing your hands first, because otherwise you'll be CHANGING PURSES IN MIDSTREAM

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ProfDa
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2019
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Returning the lost purse

A lady lost her handbag in the bustle of Christmas shopping. It was found by an honest little boy and returned to her.

Looking in her purse, she commented, β€œHmmm . . . that’s funny. When I lost my bag there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty $1 bills.”

The boy quickly replied,Β β€œThat’s right, lady. The last time I found a lady’s purse, she didn’t have any change for a reward.”

http://bestcleanfunnyjokes.com/returning-lost-purse/

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tfraymond
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2019
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What happened to the purse when it was found at a crime scene?

It became an accessory to the crime.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/heebiepjeebie
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2018
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Where to put her purse?

Wife: "When I'm driving, and you are in the passenger seat, I have no place to put my purse!"

Me: "Yeah, its hard when there's another 'purse-in' here".

Wife: God, I hate your dad jokes.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/gocards2579
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2017
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What did the thief say when he stole the woman's purse?

"Nothing purse-onal!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sirlaffsalot47
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2017
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Today my wife went outside with her purse open.

She'd heard there would be some change in the weather.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/QuincyDental
πŸ“…︎ Sep 14 2016
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Dads and purses

My sister, my dad, and I were waiting for our table at a restaurant. Dad sees my sister with her new Kate Spade purse.

Dad: "Why did you take that Kate girl's purse? It even has her name on it!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bluesie
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2013
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Pursed lips
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πŸ‘€︎ u/debaben
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2017
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What do you call someone who sells knock-off handbags?

An Im-purse-onator.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/the_blacksphere
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2020
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My friend has 2 sons, Amal and Juan..

But she only has a photo of one of them in her purse

Because if you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal

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πŸ‘€︎ u/archiewalton09
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2020
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I didn’t realize ants stole so many handbags

If they didn’t, why do we need anti-purse-per-ant

It’s my first time, be gentle.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MurrayTh3Dream
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2020
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My wife took a vacation day to carry her pet lizard around town in her handbag...

It's a purse anole day for her.

Credit: Brevity by Dan Thompson for May 02, 2020

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2020
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How do you make an elephant disappear?

You put it in a your wife’s purse

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JimReaperSr
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2020
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How do you get money into your mouth?

You purse your lips

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FeedbackUSA
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2019
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My wife's handbag is sorely in need of replacement. I offered to get her a new soft leather one, but she declined.

I guess she's not easily purse-sueded.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2019
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πŸ‘︎ 129
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thepobv
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2017
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Laid this one on my girlfriend last night...

Her - "I love this little purse. I hardly ever wear it because it's so small. I'm always forgetting what's inside it. It's always exciting to see what I'll find!"

Me - "huh, I guess one might say it's a grab bag. (insert dad face)

P.s. I don't know how to italicize.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/WinkleStinkle
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2016
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My wife just made a denim handbag for herself

She said she should have made a video and had blue purse at the end.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hmogrant
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2019
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How do you stop a mom from sweating?

You take away her purse....

Then she becomes an anti purse parent!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/fukhed69
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2018
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A Dungeons & Dragons Related Dad Joke...

I'm currently running my players through a D&D adventure titled "Curse of Strahd".

Last session, my players found a journal revealing details about the main villain, Count Strahd Von Zarovich. When they acquired it, I passed the adventure book over--opened up to an illustration depicting the journal's pages--and one of the players proceeded to read. After struggling for a bit, he said, "I'm having a tough time reading this cause it's so cursive."

Yes," I responded. "It's the cursive Strahd."

I had that one chambered and ready for weeks, just waiting for the right moment.

What my players don't know is that I'm also going to include a few other bits of flavor for my them to find as they progress through the game:

  • A fancy handbag with the initials "SVZ" hammered into the leather... the "purse of Strahd"
  • A grave in which the Von Zarovich family nanny is buried... the "nurse of Strahd"
  • A carriage very obviously built to accommodate Strahd's coffin... the "hearse of Strahd"
  • A book full of poetry written during Strahd's younger days, before he was consumed by darkness... the "verse of Strahd"
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πŸ‘€︎ u/transplantasian
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2016
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I forgot the card again!

As my gf and I were going out to celebrate a friend's birthday, we had already forgot to put the card in her purse earlier. And once we get in the car:

Gf: I forgot the card again! Me: Hmm, that's strange, it looks like you have it on. Gf: What do you mean? Where is....

She looks down at the sweater she's wearing.

Gf: Oh you asshole!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sterkenwald
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2016
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My mom was paying at the register...

She owed four pennies:

Her: "I have four cents! -rummaging through purse-"

Me: "Actually, you were born also with a fifth sense."

Cue eye roll. Not the best work but it gave me a chuckle

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lolimonreddit23
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2017
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Dadjoked the little sister today.

Her: Wow, look at this coin purse. It cost twelve dollars.

Me: Why is it that expensive? It looks like it's worth less than half that.

Her: Well, you know...it is the Vera Bradley brand, and name-brand things always cost more.

Me: Well it seems like that is vera bradley priced.

I^felt^so^proud

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2015
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The pope asked me to take care of his official ceremonial handbag

It's a blessing, and a purse.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/benrules2
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2017
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So there are these twins in my calculus class...

So in my calculus class last year in math, there were these two Chinese twins. Ving, and Ling. Ving was always super cool with me. In exchange for answers (he was super smart) I would hang out with him and be his friend and stuff. After I cheated off of him and studied with him though, I did get to be his friend and we got very close.

His sister, Ling, was always uptight about school and she made sure to study, she got stressed about a B, etc. One day I was hanging out with Ving, and we started talking about names. He went off on this huge rant about how he hated his, and how he wanted to change it to something more Asian-American, like Lee. I told him that the Courthouse downtown had a form that you could fill to legally change it. He told me: "I always give you answers. If you could just drive me down to the courthouse this one time, I will never forget you. I just hate this god-forsaken Chinese name and I want to get rid of it forever."

He seemed pretty adamant about it, so I decided the best decision would be to take him. We walked out to my car, and right as I put the keys in the ignition Ling came running and tapped on the car door like a madman. I rolled it down and she started freaking out about how Ving's name had been passed down through generations and generations, but Ving didn't care. He just wanted to go down to the Courthouse and get it over with.

Ling figured that coming with would be the best idea, so if anything else came up that she would be needed for, she would be there for Ving. Honestly, I felt stuck in the middle of a family feud, so I just took her along. When we got to the Courthouse, Ving confidently walked up to the front desk and asked the receptionist if he could change his name. She gave him a little packet of paper and told him to sit down. Ling and I waited patiently while Ving filled out his info. I was watching him fill it out and I noticed he really did want to change his name to Lee.

Before he finished, though, he started tearing up. He told me he couldn't change his name. He asked the lady at the front that he couldn't do it, and she told him he would need twenty dollars to cancel the request. Ling was so relieved and happy that he changed his mind, she dug through her purse, found the money, and started to hand it to the receptionist.

It was at this moment that the most stereotypical Asian man burst through the doors. He was wearing a Hawaiian shirt, a visor, American flag shorts, flip flops, everything. This

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/unknown_name
πŸ“…︎ Mar 15 2015
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Got my GF so good!

My girlfriend and I were talking on the phone while I was driving home from work. She was going to the grocery store(Giant) to pick up some things for dinner, and that she thought she had lost her Giant gift card, but had found it in her purse. I proceeded to ask her how she lost the gift card if it was so big. She was speechless. I was so proud.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Careitz711
πŸ“…︎ Sep 14 2016
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My mom, the klepto

This is a prank my dad used to pull, and I look forward to doing it one day.

When at a party, my dad would always take a few insignificant things. A knife, a spoon, a cloth napkin maybe a magazine. A week or so later he would mail it back to them with a note that read...

"I'm so sorry. My wife is a kleptomaniac and I found these in her purse. She is working hard on it, please keep this between us."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheNotoriousHAM
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2013
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I'm going to design decorative sleeves that go over women's handbags and call them...

... Hot Purse Suits

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πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2014
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Dadjoke at a buffet

After my parents and I have our drink order taken, my mother tells my dad to, "Watch my purse while I go and get my food." He replies with "Watch it do what? It just sits there." Classic dad.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/master_sloth10
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2013
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Got my optometrist this evening!

Optometrist: It's crazy. People will spend their money on purses, shoes, Starbucks, but they won't spend money on their eye health.

Me: Ah well. You see the world through a different lens.

β€’_β€’)>βŒβ– -β– 

(βŒβ– _β– ) ^^new ^^glasses

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πŸ‘€︎ u/smitwiff
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2015
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My sister to my mom

"Why is there always money between us" my mom's purse was between them

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πŸ‘€︎ u/catsrock45
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2015
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As we put on our Halloween costumes...

Wife: Let me go upstairs. I have an idea for a purse.

Me: I think somebody already had the idea for the purse, baby.

Wife: (sighs in exasperation). I love you...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BlakeMP
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2014
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My roommate dadjoked me today[Image]

I had lost my work shoes(ballet style flats) today and couldnt find them. While at my work desk, i found one of my shoes in my purse!! I texted my roommate this weird anomaly and he found a great opportunity to lay down a cheesy response.

http://imgur.com/dx7FTpi

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πŸ‘€︎ u/manami333
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2014
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Dad got my sister

At dinner, my sister was going to pay for her husband'a and her meal. Her purse was sitting in the spare chair across the table.

Sister: I need my purse

Dad: sounds like a purse-onal problem

Everyone: groans

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jgman24
πŸ“…︎ Sep 14 2014
🚨︎ report
My wife asked me to grab her purse

I told her that was a purse-onal problem

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bjbldg
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2016
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