I pumped unleaded gas into my diesel vehicle’s tank this morning...
It was a very fuelish mistake.
The first animal to be mechanically milked must've been pumped.
I know it's an old joke, I'm just milking it dry. I just think its dairy funny.
Found this while looking through Pumped Up Kicks comments
He’s not just my swole relative. He’s my pumped kin.
The housing market is really pumped up these days
A bounce house joke from r/funny. I’m pumped up for it.
All the other kids with their pumped up kicks...
I am pretty pumped to watched Citizenfour on HBO Monday, girlfriend replies: Does this count?!
"Let's watch Snowden when we're snowed in!"
My Dad just pumped this one out...
Dad comes in,
Mum: "You all right?"
Dad: "No, I'm half left"
I only hope I have half the sense of humour he has when I'm older.
Do you know why air pumps at gas stations used to be free but are now $1.50?
All this fuel pump talk is a real gas.
Did you know you can actually listen to the blood in your veins?
You just have to listen varicosely
I asked Lil Pump what he thought about Roblox.
I saw a woman at the gas station pumping gas and trying to light a cigarette
I went inside to pay and saw two policemen in the store. I said "Did you guys see that woman out there?" They looked outside and suddenly darted out the door. I turn and see she caught her arm on fire.
The policemen threw a blanket around her and wrestled her to the ground and put out the fire. Then they gave her a ticket!
After they came inside I asked why they gave her a ticket. Turns out she didn't have a license for that firearm.
I was riding to a beach in this remote part of the district and stopped at this run down petrol pump
A kid was manning the pump and I asked if they take cards
He replies with a straight face : No we give it back after swiping
It's that beat that makes you pump your bum
How come it used to cost a quarter to pump your tires at the gas station, and now it costs a dollar?
I would tell you a joke about an underground water pump...
What’s a hillbillies favorite thing to do on Halloween?
I hope he said Tank you later xD
School Drop off Conversation
A Conversation I had with my Daughter when I dropped her off at school
Me: Hey so you know how your cats are always running around all over the place right?
Daughter: Yeah why?
Me: So When they stop moving are they on Paws?
Daughter: Face Palms and says "OKAY DAD BYEEE!!!"
Me: YESSSS! Fist Pump!
My wife loves complaining about how long she spends breast-pumping for our new son.
She’s really milking it for all it’s worth.
What do you call several gourds related to each other?
My wife just got her breast pump going...
So my wife just got her breast pump all set up. She's got the double suckers rolling, tits out, milk flowing like a minor tributary. And I ASK "ARE YOU PUMPED?!" fucking genius....
She stared silently for like 10 seconds. Then told me to post here.
Why did Vice Squad raid the water treatment plant?
They'd received a tip about a bunch of Pumps and Hoses.
(I'm sorry. I just got off work, heard "pumps and hoses" on the radio, and a bad idea was born.)
Stopped by to get gas after my trip to Germany, and when the pump asked if I wanted a receipt
The nine button wasn’t working.
There was a train officer with an insulin pump handing out tickets at the speed of light.
He was a type 2 superconductor
We used to be able to go to a gas station and pump our tires for free. Now it costs $1.50, you know why?
Inflation
(Actual joke told by my dad today)
The price of air pumps has been going up recently
It’s because of inflation
Did you hear about the sarcastic weightlifter?
Later in Forrest Gump’s life, he puts on a little weight and opens a business collecting old plumbing materials.
It was called the Plump Gump Sump Pump Dump.
What do people from Louisiana do for Halloween?
I can pump a ton of iron.
What do you call a strong pumpkin?
My son pulled the pump cap off the shampoo bottle and threw it on the floor...
He told me he deCAPitated it.
It used to be free to fill your car tire up with air. Now it coasts 1.50. You know why?
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