I pumped unleaded gas into my diesel vehicle’s tank this morning...

It was a very fuelish mistake.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/andersonfmly
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2020
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The first animal to be mechanically milked must've been pumped.

I know it's an old joke, I'm just milking it dry. I just think its dairy funny.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2020
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Found this while looking through Pumped Up Kicks comments
πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dat_Hylian
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2019
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He’s not just my swole relative. He’s my pumped kin.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Shantotto11
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2019
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The housing market is really pumped up these days
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mynameisseanm
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2018
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A bounce house joke from r/funny. I’m pumped up for it.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gehhhh
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2018
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All the other kids with their pumped up kicks...
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πŸ‘€︎ u/findanegg
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2017
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I am pretty pumped to watched Citizenfour on HBO Monday, girlfriend replies: Does this count?!

"Let's watch Snowden when we're snowed in!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/omfgregg
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2015
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My Dad just pumped this one out...

Dad comes in,

Mum: "You all right?"

Dad: "No, I'm half left"

I only hope I have half the sense of humour he has when I'm older.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Poopfeast42000
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2014
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Do you know why air pumps at gas stations used to be free but are now $1.50?

Inflation

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πŸ‘€︎ u/officialsmolkid
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2020
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All this fuel pump talk is a real gas.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/shane0clock
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2020
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Did you know you can actually listen to the blood in your veins?

You just have to listen varicosely

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/EggNogAgenda
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2020
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I asked Lil Pump what he thought about Roblox.

He said "I love it"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ebatm3
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2020
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I saw a woman at the gas station pumping gas and trying to light a cigarette

I went inside to pay and saw two policemen in the store. I said "Did you guys see that woman out there?" They looked outside and suddenly darted out the door. I turn and see she caught her arm on fire.

The policemen threw a blanket around her and wrestled her to the ground and put out the fire. Then they gave her a ticket!

After they came inside I asked why they gave her a ticket. Turns out she didn't have a license for that firearm.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/digeratisensei
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2020
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I was riding to a beach in this remote part of the district and stopped at this run down petrol pump

A kid was manning the pump and I asked if they take cards He replies with a straight face : No we give it back after swiping

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πŸ‘€︎ u/regulaslight
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2020
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A Gas Pump
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JeanClaudeVanDamp
πŸ“…︎ Aug 12 2020
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It's that beat that makes you pump your bum
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LogangYeddu
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2020
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How come it used to cost a quarter to pump your tires at the gas station, and now it costs a dollar?

Inflation

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πŸ‘€︎ u/nftpc
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19 2020
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I would tell you a joke about an underground water pump...

But it's a bore

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sprocket_Bat
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2020
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ProfEmory
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2019
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What’s a hillbillies favorite thing to do on Halloween?

Pump kins

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bpollard85
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2020
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Pump the jam
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LeeM1613
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2019
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I hope he said Tank you later xD
πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Yugvijay
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2020
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School Drop off Conversation

A Conversation I had with my Daughter when I dropped her off at school

Me: Hey so you know how your cats are always running around all over the place right?
Daughter: Yeah why?
Me: So When they stop moving are they on Paws?
Daughter: Face Palms and says "OKAY DAD BYEEE!!!"
Me: YESSSS! Fist Pump!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ajmansell
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2020
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My wife loves complaining about how long she spends breast-pumping for our new son.

She’s really milking it for all it’s worth.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KingAdamXVII
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2018
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What do you call several gourds related to each other?

Pump kin

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JumpinJaccFlash
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2020
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My wife just got her breast pump going...

So my wife just got her breast pump all set up. She's got the double suckers rolling, tits out, milk flowing like a minor tributary. And I ASK "ARE YOU PUMPED?!" fucking genius.... She stared silently for like 10 seconds. Then told me to post here.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JeremySTL
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2019
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Why did Vice Squad raid the water treatment plant?

They'd received a tip about a bunch of Pumps and Hoses.

(I'm sorry. I just got off work, heard "pumps and hoses" on the radio, and a bad idea was born.)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/OOOH_WHATS_THIS
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2020
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Stopped by to get gas after my trip to Germany, and when the pump asked if I wanted a receipt

The nine button wasn’t working.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BALLOONCHEF1997
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2019
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Inflation hits hard
πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2019
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There was a train officer with an insulin pump handing out tickets at the speed of light.

He was a type 2 superconductor

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dr_cheggman
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2019
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We used to be able to go to a gas station and pump our tires for free. Now it costs $1.50, you know why?

Inflation

(Actual joke told by my dad today)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SOPA_NO
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2019
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Pump up the volume
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ActuaJulian
πŸ“…︎ Jul 19 2018
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The price of air pumps has been going up recently

It’s because of inflation

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ILostMyLean
πŸ“…︎ May 23 2018
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Did you hear about the sarcastic weightlifter?

He liked to pump irony.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sir_Pluses
πŸ“…︎ Apr 13 2020
🚨︎ report
Later in Forrest Gump’s life, he puts on a little weight and opens a business collecting old plumbing materials.

It was called the Plump Gump Sump Pump Dump.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/zedhead0628
πŸ“…︎ May 18 2020
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Weren't swolemates
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πŸ‘€︎ u/therealfakebatman
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2019
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What do people from Louisiana do for Halloween?

They pump kin.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SlytherRedd
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2020
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I can pump a ton of iron.

It runs in my blood.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Threeatatime1
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2018
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What do you call a strong pumpkin?

A Jacked-o-Lantern

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nintendo-Nerd27
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2019
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My son pulled the pump cap off the shampoo bottle and threw it on the floor...

He told me he deCAPitated it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/yugogrl2000
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2017
🚨︎ report
It used to be free to fill your car tire up with air. Now it coasts 1.50. You know why?

Inflation.

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HoshForce
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2019
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