I received an email today from the owner of a German sausage processing plant, he said I could have it for only 1000€

I agreed and wired him the money. What’s the wurst that could happen?

πŸ‘︎ 34
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mustacius
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27
🚨︎ report
What did the peanut tell its family before it went to the processing factory?

I’ll be back in a Jif!

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pacos-ego
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2018
🚨︎ report
WARNING: There is an email going around offering processed pork, Gelatin and salt in a can. If you get this email DO NOT OPEN

It’s spam

πŸ‘︎ 167
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πŸ“…︎ Jul 23
🚨︎ report
I'm in the process of adjusting the clocks in my house

Now all my rooms but the kitchen sync.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FunMathematician1
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10
🚨︎ report
Currently in the process of uniting a kingdom
πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AyalaST
πŸ“…︎ May 15
🚨︎ report
I created a Linux background process for the Message Analysis Test Tool.

I call it the MATT DAEMON!!!

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LunOverdose
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16
🚨︎ report
I read a very interesting ancient Egyptian blog post describing the embalming process

It was on Tombler.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pippingigi
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30
🚨︎ report
Thought process for this one was particularly long winded
πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jrum7000
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2019
🚨︎ report
The chemist who created the periodic table was stumped during his process of developing the table. Suddenly, he realized:

He was missing a key element the whole time

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AnthMaster7
πŸ“…︎ May 12
🚨︎ report
My wife asked me, β€œAre you sometimes surprised as to how little people change?”

I said, β€œActually, the process is the same. Apart from their tiny clothes.”

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 14
🚨︎ report
I can’t stand people who say data we all know it’s pronounced...

Data

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/UndeadNineKills
πŸ“…︎ Jul 02
🚨︎ report
*This is a literal Dad Joke my father used to tell when I was a kid about 30 years ago. He's almost 80 now and it still makes him laugh.* - So, there was this man named James Fart. Everybody made fun of him since he was very young. "James Fart! James Fart" the bullies used to make him cry...

He came of age among this suffering and at 21 was finally able to legally change his name. He arrived at the government office where he presented himself:

-I'm James Fart and I want to legally change my name!

Of course they laughed at him (everybody did) but eventually they all settled and came around to the situation.

-Ok, so... your current name is.. Β·chucklesΒ· James Fart... I'm sorry, I just...

-I know, everybody has been laughing at my name since as long as I can remember.

After a long and tedious process, everything is ready.

-Very well, sorry for the delays but you know how hard this protocols are. The good news: you are no longer "James Fart", what name do you want instead?

-Charles Fart.

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gone11gone11
πŸ“…︎ May 06
🚨︎ report
Since impeachment is an entirely political process...

Will public opinion sufficiently Schifft through these proceedings??

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/phluper
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2019
🚨︎ report
To save his business, my butcher is trying an experimental process where he gives his cows magic mushrooms before slaughtering them.

Let's just say...the steaks are high.

πŸ‘︎ 35
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πŸ‘€︎ u/benchwrmr22
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2019
🚨︎ report
I don't always take phone calls from shady processed meat salesman.

When I do its usually a Spam Risk.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/buckeyespud
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2019
🚨︎ report
A friend of mine was discouraged that they couldn't come up with dad jokes. I told them anyone can make dad jokes, you just have to stretch out the thought process a little father.
πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2019
🚨︎ report
Learning to walk is a multi-step process
πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gonzalk
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2019
🚨︎ report
Walking up stairs is a multi-step process
πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/1111Steve1111
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2019
🚨︎ report
There's an email going around..

... offering processed pork, gelatine and salt in a can. If you get this email, don't open it. It's spam.

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BenderDeLorean
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23
🚨︎ report
Frequent nap taking slows the aging process.

Especially if you take them when you are driving.

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/millre01
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2019
🚨︎ report
"How to break up with your girlfriend: a two step process"

Step 1: take off your glasses

Step 2: say: 'I'm afraid I can't see you anymore!'

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GalaHunterX
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2019
🚨︎ report
My friend asked me about the process of colonoscopy.

Me: forget it...its a pain in the ass.

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Baldomccoy
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2019
🚨︎ report
If anyone could just reverse the process of making wine, that would be grape.
πŸ‘︎ 772
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Maax42_
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16 2018
🚨︎ report
I've discovered the exact process by which a woman becomes a thot, but I'm having issues explaining it.

No one can follow my thot process.

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MightyOtaku
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2018
🚨︎ report
How can you find out whether you have constipation or diarrhea?

The process of elimination.

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09
🚨︎ report
If someone could just reverse the process of making wine...

That would be grape.

πŸ‘︎ 158
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πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2018
🚨︎ report
A guy signs up for the army and goes to get his equipment after he’s been processed.

When he gets to the place where he’s supposed to pick up his rifle the man tells him thatΒ he just ran out. β€œIf you need to shoot just say β€˜BANGITY BANG BANGITY BANG!'” he says. Bummed out and little confused, the guy moves on to the next areaΒ where he’s supposed to pick up the bayonet. But the next man is out too. β€œIf you need to stab someone justΒ go, β€˜STICKITY STICK STICKITY STICK!'” he says. Dejected and wondering what the heck he signed up for, the guy jumps into the next truck on its wayΒ to the front where there’s a battle raging on.

Side by side with the rest of the soldiers in his unit, the guy advances on the enemy position. As soon as he sees the enemy, he shouts, β€œBANGITY BANG BANGITY BANG!!” Amazingly, the enemy soldierΒ drops to the ground. Encouraged by his success he charges the next two enemy soldiers and goes, β€œSTICKITY STICK STICKITY STICK!” They both immediately collapse in front of him. This is incredible, he thinks, I’ve become unstoppable.

So when he sees his ne

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lavidius
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2019
🚨︎ report
I just finished a great documentary about the process by which metal sheets are fastened together with steel bolts.

It was riveting.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/the_iraq_such_as
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2019
🚨︎ report
Boss: "How good are you at PowerPoint?" - Me: "I Excel at it." - Boss: "Was that a Microsoft Office pun?"

Me: "Word"

πŸ‘︎ 16k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KimJongEwww
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2019
🚨︎ report
How do you figure out the difference between constipation and diarrhea?

Process of Elimination.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12
🚨︎ report
What is the process by which cells do not replicate

Fooleosis

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/LoedTachanka21
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2019
🚨︎ report
Only way to kill a French vampire is to stab it in its heart with a baguette.

But the whole damn process is painstaking.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Fyrebrand18
πŸ“…︎ May 31
🚨︎ report
Got bored in the process
πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/moses10960
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2018
🚨︎ report
There's an email going around offering free processed pork gelatin and salt in a can, if you get this email, do not open it!

It's spam.

πŸ‘︎ 26
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/green_tito
πŸ“…︎ Sep 27 2018
🚨︎ report
Do you know the god who is in charge of the aging process of humans?

He is called as the MANAGER.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/The_Jokster
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2018
🚨︎ report
A local man shows up to his local Starbucks for his daily cup of coffee.

β€œGrande macchiato with oat milk, please.”

The cashier started to process his order, until the man asked β€œWhy are you wearing a surgical mask?”

β€œI’m not”, said the barista, β€œit’s a coughy filter”.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ“…︎ May 08
🚨︎ report
What do you call a long, painful casting process for movies?

Casting Ouch

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2019
🚨︎ report
You know what happened to the guy who chugged 8 Pepsis at once?

...He burped 7 up

πŸ‘︎ 7k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/chungus_wungus
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2019
🚨︎ report
The process of adding puns to a sentence should be called puntuation
πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sidewinder94
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2018
🚨︎ report
I'm in the process of writing an extraordinary telescope joke.

Watch this space.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2018
🚨︎ report
The folks at Jack Links really have their beef jerky making processes down pat...

It's cut and dry.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2019
🚨︎ report
Why does fruit not like preserving ?

The process is jarring

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ May 08
🚨︎ report
What do you call an unprofessional process?

A cess

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FittiSigmund
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2018
🚨︎ report
My wife and I were talking about starting a family and all the health things you're supposed to do like not eat processed sliced meats. Unfortunately she currently eats a turkey sandwich most days for her lunch.

I told her she better start trying alternatives soon, it's going to be hard to quit eating her current lunch cold turkey.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/-stormageddon-
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2018
🚨︎ report
If you ask a girl to explain why she cheated on you, you're asking her to explain her thot process.
πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/drsideburns
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2018
🚨︎ report
What do you call it when you use explosives in the process of building things?

Weapons of Mass Construction

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/_otterinabox
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2017
🚨︎ report
Scientists have learned how to send humans into the future. Unfortunately, the process causes the subject's bowels to release uncontrollably.

It's a real blast from the past.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mrthatsthat
πŸ“…︎ May 07 2018
🚨︎ report
I made my son some scrambled eggs and as he was eating them I turned to him and said

Are they all they were cracked up to be?

πŸ‘︎ 115
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πŸ‘€︎ u/definitelyhooman
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2019
🚨︎ report
To kill a French Vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart

Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chx_
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03
🚨︎ report
Is it wierd that I say more dad jokes than my dad? And I’m 16?

Literally just now he’s making chili and he pours in some frozen corn (beginning of the chili making process) and he tries a spoonful

Me looking from the other room: how’s it taste?

Him: cold

Me out of breath from running in at the speed of light: so it’s a little CHILI?

Him: get out

πŸ‘︎ 39
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BasicImportance
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15
🚨︎ report
I thought you'd like this one.
πŸ‘︎ 1k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Psykonick
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2018
🚨︎ report
I heard that they figured out how to break down and process corn and make it into plastic-like furniture.

Soon you will be able to purchase your very own veggie-table.

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2017
🚨︎ report
I heard a story once about a train driver.

He was operating a late night train and fell asleep at the controls. He ended up failing to recognise a stop sign and as a result his train hit a person and killed them immediately. He was tried for manslaughter and sentenced to the electric chair. Just before being put in the chair, he was given the choice of final meal and chose a single banana, oddly. His time came and he was placed into the chair, the room vacated and then the switch was thrown.

But... Nothing. No sparks, no burning, nothing. They checked the machine and it was working fine, it just seemed not to harm him. The state law meant that, legally, his sentence had been carried out and he was free to go. He walked away a free man, and actually got another job as a train driver.

Sadly, almost exactly the same thing happened again. This time his negligence killed two kids playing around on the tracks when again he'd fallen asleep and failed to stop the train in time. Hauled before the courts again, he got exactly the same

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/homelesspancake
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2019
🚨︎ report
When obese people start to change, which countries help them in the process?

The supportive friend: "U-K?"

The advice friend: thinland

The personal trainer: Core-ia

And the health specialist: Germ-any.

Feel free to add more.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/blackcat74
πŸ“…︎ May 13 2017
🚨︎ report
Came up with this my self

Man not computer: you seem down, you’re so slow today.

Computer: I’m not down, I’m just processing a lot right now.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2019
🚨︎ report
A ventilation system failed during the cleaning process in an industrial coffee roster at work today...

Everyone was sent to the lunch room until the production area was clear of smoke. I told a colleague on the way out that today everyone gets a smoke break!

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mostly_Aquitted
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2017
🚨︎ report
If you've gotten the email about salted, processed, canned meat; do not open it.

It is Spam.

πŸ‘︎ 34
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Squiggledog
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2015
🚨︎ report
Got my students with this one, re: Impeachment

Students were asking about the impeachment news this morning, so I explained what it was about, then:

Me: I'm really confused about the whole process, though. I thought Trump wasn't peach, he's orange!

Edit: I understand the downvotes. This joke was low-hanging fruit.

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/blindsight
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2019
🚨︎ report
I took a tour of a jigsaw making factory.

The entire process was quite puzzling.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05
🚨︎ report
I put the new engineer in charge of driving the locomotive despite without having lessons on how to drive it...

I figured he would do well with on the job training. He went off the rails and wrecked. I don't need to mention about his conduct during the process.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19
🚨︎ report
Looking for pun for my beer

Hey redditors, I need your wit for a good cause,

I'm gonna graduate in less than two weeks and in my country (Italy) is traditional to give a token to those who attend the graduation and for that reason I've decided to brew some beers and give a bottle each. I'm now in the process of deciding the name of my beer and I would like to have something witty and cool but have no idea.

The possible themes would be graduation (or laurea in italian), bioengineering, biomedical engineering, engineering or, best of all, BOOBS (or any synonym) as that's the theme of my master thesis.

Thanks in advance for any help I'll get

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Azkabainemule
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2019
🚨︎ report
My Vietnamese driver told me several riddles yesterday, do you know what they were?

First off a six-parter

  1. If there are 500 rocks on a plane and you throw one out, how many are left? A: 499
  2. How do you get an elephant into a fridge? This is a three part process A: open the door, put in the elephant, close the door.
  3. How do you get a giraffe into a fridge? This is a four part process A: open the door, take out the elephant, put in the giraffe, close the door.
  4. All the animals go to heaven for a meeting, but one can't come, why not? A: the giraffe, it's in the fridge.
  5. A weak old lady has to cross a river full of alligators, how does she get across? A: the alligators are at the meeting in heaven.
  6. As soon as the old lady gets across the river she dies, how? A: the rock fell on her head.

No 2 A real cool guy walks into a cafe. He wearing sunglasses, tidy haircut, but just a super cool guy all round. He orders a glass of condensed milk and puts it on his table. Next time the waitress walks past he asks for a glass of black coffee. Now he has a glass of mil

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Patyboomba
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2019
🚨︎ report
ED...What is it short for?

It's not a question, that's just the process.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2019
🚨︎ report
πŸ‘︎ 97
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πŸ‘€︎ u/killersquirel11
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18 2018
🚨︎ report
Dad just sent this to me in an email. Happy Thanksgiving everyone! imgur.com/X8WFoid
πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tangyfish
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2013
🚨︎ report
He sends me texts like this far too often.
πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/xMazz
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2013
🚨︎ report
A donut walks into a church, approaches the priest and explains "Excuse me, Father, I don't mean to trouble you, but I'm very interested in joining the clergy."

"I was hoping that you could give me some pointers."

The priest, after taking a moment to accept the fact that he's speaking with a pastry, offers a warm smile in response.

"That is truly a noble calling." he says. "Most frequently, individuals who wish to become priests begin by growing active in their parish, then entering a seminary. While in attendance there, would-be clergy members work to excel in every regard, reaffirming their beliefs and devoting themselves to the path of righteousness. When the time comes, a given initiate will be ordained as a deacon, which will allow them passage to priesthood."

"That sounds like a very involved process." the donut confesses. "I'm not sure I have the time."

"If you don't mind me asking…" replies the priest. "What made you think you wanted to join the clergy if you're not willing to make a commitment to the process? Why do you want to be a priest at all?"

"Well…" the donut answers. "See, it's because I'm holey."

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2019
🚨︎ report
I am working on a game about infestation

I am almost done but the debugging process has been really dificult

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Spartanicus2003
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2019
🚨︎ report
A king was looking to protect his secret maze...

...so he called in his court wizard to devise a means of defense. The wizard set to work at once. First, he wove a net, tightly so that nothing could escape. Then he traveled to the nearby lake.

For three days, he went to the edge of a dock, and cast his net into the water. Each time, he collected many small fish, until he had gathered thousands.

He then took the fish to his study, and carefully processed them, crushing them into a sticky paste. Warming the paste, he began to lather it across the walls of the maze.

When the king learned of this, he was very angry.

"How dare you cover my walls with fish paste!" he said.

The wizard replied, "But sire, everyone knows to protect a labyrinth, one must use a minnow tar."

πŸ‘︎ 38
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cmecau
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2019
🚨︎ report
Riding the train couldn't be simpler.

It's a straightforward process.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pupikal
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2019
🚨︎ report
How did they recover the frozen philosopher from the ice?

The process was simple; it was well thought out.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Word_art_Online
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2019
🚨︎ report
I once tried to get a job at the Goodyear factory

but I found the whole application process a bit tiring.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/2723brad2723
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2019
🚨︎ report
I work at Subway

Yesterday a lady was wondering what type of cheese she should put on her sub so I recommended the Swiss cheese because, as I put it, "The Swiss cheese is always really neutral".

The worst part is she didn't even laugh.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Admiral_Sarcasm
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2014
🚨︎ report
This was served to me on a silver platter...

My friend is in the process of moving and was asked how the move was expected to go.

β€œIt should be pretty easy, I have very little furniture”

β€œReally? You’re kinda a big guy.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SeventhShin
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2019
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Drew another puzzle for the weekend. Hope you like it! imgur.com/eCTKtZb
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tiggidytom
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2015
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Buwanna

I recall from my youth, a time of great adventure. My friends and I on safari hunting the Great North-American Man-Eating Female Butt-Ox.

The hunt was difficult and expensive. Once one has been identified as an acceptable specimen you need to slow its wits and dull its decision making process. This is best accomplished with loud music, flashing lights and alcohol. But even then the hunt can be foiled by rushing in to early. If you're successful, you then need to separate it from the pack. This is the trickiest bit as less than ideal pack members will often fight ruthlessly to "protect" your target.

But even the most successful outings are not without risk. On several occasions I found myself entangled in a wrestling match for hours. But there lies the fruit of the hunt...

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πŸ“…︎ May 28 2019
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My dad broke his wrist

So my dad broke his wrist the other day. He asked the doctor, if he could play the piano after the healing process. The doctor said: Yeah, sure. My dad: Great, couldn't do that before.

Translated from German. Hope you still enjoy it ;)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/chregi91
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20 2017
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How my husband knew he would marry me

(Background: at this point in time my family had chickens on the property and my husband liked them.)

Husband: *playing with chickens*

Me: Honey, how many times do I have to tell you to not play with your food? *smiles sheepishly*

Husband: (hubby.exe processing) we are so getting married.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/witchy_mom94
πŸ“…︎ May 14 2018
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A police officer walks into a tattoo parlor

A police officer walks into a tattoo parlor, hoping to get something cool drawn onto his shoulder. He walks up to the artist and shows him a picture of what he wants. In large text on a ribbon it says, "Protect and Serve." Below it, is a picture of a a badge, a pair of handcuffs, and a pistol. The tattoo artist is very good at his job, and says he can get this done in one session, so the officer sits down and the artist gets started. A few hours later, the artist is just finishing up, inking the last details of his service weapon. Once the last line is inked on the trigger, the cop gets up from his chair and looks in the mirror to see his new tattoo. His face twists into a look of shock and terror, pulls out his gun and opens fire onto the tattoo artist, killing him in the process. He gets on his radio, calling for backup, and took a defensive position until a few more cops and the police chief showed to the parlor minutes later. The chief, while examining the scene asks the officer, "

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2019
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I was grilling pizza for dinner tonight...

I was explaining the steps and process to my daughter.

I asked her, "do you know what you call the important and precious moments just before you burn the crust?"

She shook her head no.

"....Crunch time...."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LordHammerCock
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2019
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A piece of rope is walking home one day

When a gang robs the rope, tying it into a knot and cutting it up in the in the process. Some horrified onlookers rush over afterwards and ask "Are you ok?"

The rope replies: "I'm a frayed knot."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/OrionHunter66
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2019
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Got my girlfriend (in labour with our first son, having strong contractions) on the way to the hospital

Me: So you think he might be born by midnight?

Her: I dunno...we might get in there and the triage nurse says I'm only 1cm

Me: Hmmm...I think you're more like 5'2"

It went down as well as you might expect.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RadToTheBone86
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2015
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Shakespeare was hired by a theater to tend patrons' horses...

How did Shakespeare learn all about his new employer?

During its onbarding process.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mookmerkin
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2019
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The long game

So a bus conductor in America was doing his job one day, happily printing and checking tickets all day long, enjoying the country views and feeling good about life.

A young lad gets on, chewing gum and being as loud and rude as all teenage lads are. There’s no-one else on the bus, so the conductor takes his ticket machine and bops the lad over the head, killing him. As expected, the Police arrest him. He goes through the legal process, a trial and admits his guilt, however the judge decides that they’re making an example of him and give him the sentence of death by the electric chair.

On Death row, he requests 5lbs of bananas for his last meal, which is duly brought and consumed. As he finishes, the guards arrive to escort him to the chair. As the executioner flicks the switch, nothing happens. All of the equipment is checked and works, but has no effect on the bus conductor. Under the law, this counts as a reprieve and he is released.

He gets his job back and puts the whole inci

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BloodAngel1982
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2018
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I bought part of a clock yesterday, but it was in pretty bad condition

Probably because it was second hand

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Continuum_Gaming
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2016
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There's a little known country in central Europe that is ruled by a monarchy...

Not many people are aware of its existence but I assure that it is there all the same. The king of this little land faces a lot of difficulty. He wants to make his kingdom into a sovereign nation but unfortunately they do not have the infrastructure, population, or economy to do so. In fact, this small state is only known for a single export. Thanks to their proximity to some of the finest gold and other metals in the world but total lack of an ability to process those metals on a mass scale, they have been left with only one option. You know the saying; when life hands you lemons, make lemonade. Make lemonade they did. This tiny territory is renowned for creating the highest quality watches in the world. No expense is spared and their elite group of craftsmen train for their entire lives from childhood to produce these terrific timepieces. Men of great wealth and taste have been known to trade entire fortunes for just a single one of these watches; that is how valuable they are.

The

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2016
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What do judges and proctologists have in common?

They both specialize in doo process

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πŸ‘€︎ u/garboooge
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2019
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I successfully completed the "No Shave November" challenge.

I also lost my job as a barber in the process.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sodomicity
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2018
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Did you hear they found a mummy without bandages?

Archeologists think they started the mummification process, but didn't have time to wrap it up.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheDiamondJester
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2018
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The stars are bright

My dad is a Navy Vietnam vet who is about to be a retired GM electrical engineer. He is retiring against his will because he has had three strokes, colon cancer, a pulmonary embolism, necrotic esophagus, renal failure, pneumonia, basically a medical shitstorm and he survived it all. In the process, he has lost a lot of memory and quite a bit of his cognitive abilities and furthermore, his balance. However, when I took out the trash tonight at nearly half past ten, I couldn't help but notice how beautiful the stars looked outside tonight. So upon returning, I told my mom and dad "The stars sure are bright tonight. They look amazing." To which my dad then asked, "You know why they're so bright, right?" Now I'm an amateur astronomer. Hell, my first and only telescope was inherited to me by my mother who got it from her father. So knowing its winter and I live in Michigan, I tell my father, "Because its so cold and dry, the star light isn't blocked as much?" His reply; "No. Its because the

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hyperbattleship
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2015
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How do proctologists make diagnoses?

The process of elimination

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πŸ‘€︎ u/garboooge
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2019
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My wife asked me "Are you sometimes surprised at how little people change ?"

I said, "The process is the same. They just have tiny clothes"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27
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If anyone could reverse the process of making wine, that would be grape.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lafleur2017
πŸ“…︎ May 25 2018
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There is an email going around offering processed pork, gelatin, and salt in a can.

If you get this email, DO NOT open it.

It is SPAM.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/IanGecko
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2016
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