I agreed and wired him the money. What’s the wurst that could happen?
I’ll be back in a Jif!
Now all my rooms but the kitchen sync.
I call it the MATT DAEMON!!!
It was on Tombler.
He was missing a key element the whole time
I said, “Actually, the process is the same. Apart from their tiny clothes.”
He came of age among this suffering and at 21 was finally able to legally change his name. He arrived at the government office where he presented himself:
-I'm James Fart and I want to legally change my name!
Of course they laughed at him (everybody did) but eventually they all settled and came around to the situation.
-Ok, so... your current name is.. ·chuckles· James Fart... I'm sorry, I just...
-I know, everybody has been laughing at my name since as long as I can remember.
After a long and tedious process, everything is ready.
-Very well, sorry for the delays but you know how hard this protocols are. The good news: you are no longer "James Fart", what name do you want instead?
Will public opinion sufficiently Schifft through these proceedings??
Let's just say...the steaks are high.
When I do its usually a Spam Risk.
... offering processed pork, gelatine and salt in a can. If you get this email, don't open it. It's spam.
Especially if you take them when you are driving.
Step 1: take off your glasses
Step 2: say: 'I'm afraid I can't see you anymore!'
Me: forget it...its a pain in the ass.
No one can follow my thot process.
The process of elimination.
That would be grape.
When he gets to the place where he’s supposed to pick up his rifle the man tells him that he just ran out. “If you need to shoot just say ‘BANGITY BANG BANGITY BANG!'” he says. Bummed out and little confused, the guy moves on to the next area where he’s supposed to pick up the bayonet. But the next man is out too. “If you need to stab someone just go, ‘STICKITY STICK STICKITY STICK!'” he says. Dejected and wondering what the heck he signed up for, the guy jumps into the next truck on its way to the front where there’s a battle raging on.
Side by side with the rest of the soldiers in his unit, the guy advances on the enemy position. As soon as he sees the enemy, he shouts, “BANGITY BANG BANGITY BANG!!” Amazingly, the enemy soldier drops to the ground. Encouraged by his success he charges the next two enemy soldiers and goes, “STICKITY STICK STICKITY STICK!” They both immediately collapse in front of him. This is incredible, he thinks, I’ve become unstoppable.
So when he sees his ne... keep reading on reddit ➡
It was riveting.
Process of Elimination.
But the whole damn process is painstaking.
He is called as the MANAGER.
“Grande macchiato with oat milk, please.”
The cashier started to process his order, until the man asked “Why are you wearing a surgical mask?”
“I’m not”, said the barista, “it’s a coughy filter”.
...He burped 7 up
Watch this space.
It's cut and dry.
The process is jarring
I told her she better start trying alternatives soon, it's going to be hard to quit eating her current lunch cold turkey.
Weapons of Mass Construction
It's a real blast from the past.
Are they all they were cracked up to be?
Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
Literally just now he’s making chili and he pours in some frozen corn (beginning of the chili making process) and he tries a spoonful
Me looking from the other room: how’s it taste?
Me out of breath from running in at the speed of light: so it’s a little CHILI?
Him: get out
Soon you will be able to purchase your very own veggie-table.
He was operating a late night train and fell asleep at the controls. He ended up failing to recognise a stop sign and as a result his train hit a person and killed them immediately. He was tried for manslaughter and sentenced to the electric chair. Just before being put in the chair, he was given the choice of final meal and chose a single banana, oddly. His time came and he was placed into the chair, the room vacated and then the switch was thrown.
But... Nothing. No sparks, no burning, nothing. They checked the machine and it was working fine, it just seemed not to harm him. The state law meant that, legally, his sentence had been carried out and he was free to go. He walked away a free man, and actually got another job as a train driver.
Sadly, almost exactly the same thing happened again. This time his negligence killed two kids playing around on the tracks when again he'd fallen asleep and failed to stop the train in time. Hauled before the courts again, he got exactly the same... keep reading on reddit ➡
The supportive friend: "U-K?"
The advice friend: thinland
The personal trainer: Core-ia
And the health specialist: Germ-any.
Feel free to add more.
Man not computer: you seem down, you’re so slow today.
Computer: I’m not down, I’m just processing a lot right now.
Everyone was sent to the lunch room until the production area was clear of smoke. I told a colleague on the way out that today everyone gets a smoke break!
It is Spam.
Students were asking about the impeachment news this morning, so I explained what it was about, then:
Me: I'm really confused about the whole process, though. I thought Trump wasn't peach, he's orange!
Edit: I understand the downvotes. This joke was low-hanging fruit.
The entire process was quite puzzling.
I figured he would do well with on the job training. He went off the rails and wrecked. I don't need to mention about his conduct during the process.
Hey redditors, I need your wit for a good cause,
I'm gonna graduate in less than two weeks and in my country (Italy) is traditional to give a token to those who attend the graduation and for that reason I've decided to brew some beers and give a bottle each. I'm now in the process of deciding the name of my beer and I would like to have something witty and cool but have no idea.
The possible themes would be graduation (or laurea in italian), bioengineering, biomedical engineering, engineering or, best of all, BOOBS (or any synonym) as that's the theme of my master thesis.
Thanks in advance for any help I'll get
First off a six-parter
No 2 A real cool guy walks into a cafe. He wearing sunglasses, tidy haircut, but just a super cool guy all round. He orders a glass of condensed milk and puts it on his table. Next time the waitress walks past he asks for a glass of black coffee. Now he has a glass of mil... keep reading on reddit ➡
It's not a question, that's just the process.
"I was hoping that you could give me some pointers."
The priest, after taking a moment to accept the fact that he's speaking with a pastry, offers a warm smile in response.
"That is truly a noble calling." he says. "Most frequently, individuals who wish to become priests begin by growing active in their parish, then entering a seminary. While in attendance there, would-be clergy members work to excel in every regard, reaffirming their beliefs and devoting themselves to the path of righteousness. When the time comes, a given initiate will be ordained as a deacon, which will allow them passage to priesthood."
"That sounds like a very involved process." the donut confesses. "I'm not sure I have the time."
"If you don't mind me asking…" replies the priest. "What made you think you wanted to join the clergy if you're not willing to make a commitment to the process? Why do you want to be a priest at all?"
"Well…" the donut answers. "See, it's because I'm holey."
I am almost done but the debugging process has been really dificult
...so he called in his court wizard to devise a means of defense. The wizard set to work at once. First, he wove a net, tightly so that nothing could escape. Then he traveled to the nearby lake.
For three days, he went to the edge of a dock, and cast his net into the water. Each time, he collected many small fish, until he had gathered thousands.
He then took the fish to his study, and carefully processed them, crushing them into a sticky paste. Warming the paste, he began to lather it across the walls of the maze.
When the king learned of this, he was very angry.
"How dare you cover my walls with fish paste!" he said.
The wizard replied, "But sire, everyone knows to protect a labyrinth, one must use a minnow tar."
It's a straightforward process.
The process was simple; it was well thought out.
but I found the whole application process a bit tiring.
Yesterday a lady was wondering what type of cheese she should put on her sub so I recommended the Swiss cheese because, as I put it, "The Swiss cheese is always really neutral".
The worst part is she didn't even laugh.
My friend is in the process of moving and was asked how the move was expected to go.
“It should be pretty easy, I have very little furniture”
“Really? You’re kinda a big guy.”
I recall from my youth, a time of great adventure. My friends and I on safari hunting the Great North-American Man-Eating Female Butt-Ox.
The hunt was difficult and expensive. Once one has been identified as an acceptable specimen you need to slow its wits and dull its decision making process. This is best accomplished with loud music, flashing lights and alcohol. But even then the hunt can be foiled by rushing in to early. If you're successful, you then need to separate it from the pack. This is the trickiest bit as less than ideal pack members will often fight ruthlessly to "protect" your target.
But even the most successful outings are not without risk. On several occasions I found myself entangled in a wrestling match for hours. But there lies the fruit of the hunt...
So my dad broke his wrist the other day. He asked the doctor, if he could play the piano after the healing process. The doctor said: Yeah, sure. My dad: Great, couldn't do that before.
Translated from German. Hope you still enjoy it ;)
(Background: at this point in time my family had chickens on the property and my husband liked them.)
Husband: *playing with chickens*
Me: Honey, how many times do I have to tell you to not play with your food? *smiles sheepishly*
Husband: (hubby.exe processing) we are so getting married.
A police officer walks into a tattoo parlor, hoping to get something cool drawn onto his shoulder. He walks up to the artist and shows him a picture of what he wants. In large text on a ribbon it says, "Protect and Serve." Below it, is a picture of a a badge, a pair of handcuffs, and a pistol. The tattoo artist is very good at his job, and says he can get this done in one session, so the officer sits down and the artist gets started. A few hours later, the artist is just finishing up, inking the last details of his service weapon. Once the last line is inked on the trigger, the cop gets up from his chair and looks in the mirror to see his new tattoo. His face twists into a look of shock and terror, pulls out his gun and opens fire onto the tattoo artist, killing him in the process. He gets on his radio, calling for backup, and took a defensive position until a few more cops and the police chief showed to the parlor minutes later. The chief, while examining the scene asks the officer, "... keep reading on reddit ➡
I was explaining the steps and process to my daughter.
I asked her, "do you know what you call the important and precious moments just before you burn the crust?"
She shook her head no.
When a gang robs the rope, tying it into a knot and cutting it up in the in the process. Some horrified onlookers rush over afterwards and ask "Are you ok?"
The rope replies: "I'm a frayed knot."
Me: So you think he might be born by midnight?
Her: I dunno...we might get in there and the triage nurse says I'm only 1cm
Me: Hmmm...I think you're more like 5'2"
It went down as well as you might expect.
How did Shakespeare learn all about his new employer?
During its onbarding process.
So a bus conductor in America was doing his job one day, happily printing and checking tickets all day long, enjoying the country views and feeling good about life.
A young lad gets on, chewing gum and being as loud and rude as all teenage lads are. There’s no-one else on the bus, so the conductor takes his ticket machine and bops the lad over the head, killing him. As expected, the Police arrest him. He goes through the legal process, a trial and admits his guilt, however the judge decides that they’re making an example of him and give him the sentence of death by the electric chair.
On Death row, he requests 5lbs of bananas for his last meal, which is duly brought and consumed. As he finishes, the guards arrive to escort him to the chair. As the executioner flicks the switch, nothing happens. All of the equipment is checked and works, but has no effect on the bus conductor. Under the law, this counts as a reprieve and he is released.
He gets his job back and puts the whole inci... keep reading on reddit ➡
Probably because it was second hand
Not many people are aware of its existence but I assure that it is there all the same. The king of this little land faces a lot of difficulty. He wants to make his kingdom into a sovereign nation but unfortunately they do not have the infrastructure, population, or economy to do so. In fact, this small state is only known for a single export. Thanks to their proximity to some of the finest gold and other metals in the world but total lack of an ability to process those metals on a mass scale, they have been left with only one option. You know the saying; when life hands you lemons, make lemonade. Make lemonade they did. This tiny territory is renowned for creating the highest quality watches in the world. No expense is spared and their elite group of craftsmen train for their entire lives from childhood to produce these terrific timepieces. Men of great wealth and taste have been known to trade entire fortunes for just a single one of these watches; that is how valuable they are.
The... keep reading on reddit ➡
They both specialize in doo process
I also lost my job as a barber in the process.
Archeologists think they started the mummification process, but didn't have time to wrap it up.
My dad is a Navy Vietnam vet who is about to be a retired GM electrical engineer. He is retiring against his will because he has had three strokes, colon cancer, a pulmonary embolism, necrotic esophagus, renal failure, pneumonia, basically a medical shitstorm and he survived it all. In the process, he has lost a lot of memory and quite a bit of his cognitive abilities and furthermore, his balance. However, when I took out the trash tonight at nearly half past ten, I couldn't help but notice how beautiful the stars looked outside tonight. So upon returning, I told my mom and dad "The stars sure are bright tonight. They look amazing." To which my dad then asked, "You know why they're so bright, right?" Now I'm an amateur astronomer. Hell, my first and only telescope was inherited to me by my mother who got it from her father. So knowing its winter and I live in Michigan, I tell my father, "Because its so cold and dry, the star light isn't blocked as much?" His reply; "No. Its because the... keep reading on reddit ➡
The process of elimination
I said, "The process is the same. They just have tiny clothes"