I was sitting in a bar when a man walked in and proceeded to throw some milk, yoghurt and cheese at me

How dairy

πŸ‘︎ 41
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Echo-24
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2020
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Today at dinner, my little brother asked me who a skeleton’s favorite celebrity is. I asked who, then he proceeded to Skeletor laugh and say....

.... Pelvis Presley

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RedBeard308
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2020
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My dad burst into my room and said, β€œWanna hear a joke?”, and then proceeded to fart for a whole minute.

He said. β€œSorry. That was a long winded story.”

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2019
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When my son was born the assistant dropped him so I proceeded to make some real lifestyle changes

It was a real midwife crisis

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ChessGreatest
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2019
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Just witnessed a septic cleaning truck use the left lane for a right turn, using no signal, and then proceeded to drive 10 miles under the speed limit...

Turns out he was a shit driver..

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bluecaddy5000
πŸ“…︎ Jul 02 2019
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Yesterday my neighbor asked to borrow my copy of the movie β€œIt”. I proceeded to beat him up. My wife asked me why the hell I would beat him up.

I told her he was asking for It.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cubic-Zirconia
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2019
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An old couple sitting next to my boyfriend and I at Hibachi asked the chef when he'd begin to cook the food. He replied, "When I get around to it." The couple proceeded to hand him this.
πŸ‘︎ 194
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πŸ‘€︎ u/midwesterntown
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2013
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My friends dad called a toll free number and he proceeded to do the most dadjoke thing ever...

"an answering machine just told my dad "you want to speak to a representative, correct? please say yes or no." and with a totally straight face he goes 'yes or no' "

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DANNYBOYLOVER
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2016
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A guy in the pub dropped this on me, I've proceeded to get many a groan out of it.

Don't you find that lollipop men make you cross?

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LoweJ
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2013
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I built a business where all proceeds went to Charity.

But I ended up in jail because apparently not telling them my daughter’s name is Charity was a big no no.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jlionbad
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2020
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"Sir, we can't find the tool for making holes and, consequently, can't proceed. What should we do?"

"It's useless. Give up. Awl is lost."

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pj566
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2020
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Three boys go into a haunted house. One brought a knife, one brought a gun and one brought some cough drops

They crept in. It was pitch black and stone quiet. They were suddenly starting to regret this dare. Stupidly, only one brought a flash light. The aggressive darkness and inky black yielded with grudging compliance but always seeming to push back. They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobwebs. The floor creaked. They breathed in tight, quick breaths. You could hear a pin drop.

Suddenly, there was a deep moan. "OOOOOOOOUUUUU". It seemed from below them. The house had been abandoned for years. Who or what could make such a sound? The boys looked at each other, but continued on, hearts pounding in their chests.

As they proceeded into the kitchen they encountered a swarm of flies. Buzzing and beating their necks and faces, they rushed and stumbled to the door, not stopping to see what they were truly feasting on. They slammed the door behind them. Maybe a body? But no way were they going back to find out. And again came the sound, "ooooOOOOOooooOOUUU" but louder this time, and closer.

They proceeded through the dark into the dining room. They saw a fully set dining table covered in cob webs. Dust-covered regal-looking glasses, goblets and silverware adorned the table. Spiders climbed on ivory plates. Clearly a house of privilege and set for a grand feast which never happened.

Or, perhaps, met a fatal end?

They pushed on. But again that unearthly howl.

"oooooOOOOOOOOOOOUuuuuUUUUuuUUOOOOooo".

They found the basement staircase, and from below, the sounds seemed to be emanating. Could they proceed? Would they? Did they dare? Two of the boys looked at each other, faces filled with worry.

But the third said, confidently, "We're going down there." Not wanting to seem the weaker, the other two boys steeled themselves and nodded.

The stairs creaked and groaned evily under their feet. The rickety banister shook in angry defiance. Insects and vermin scattered underneath them with every step. They were descending into hell, they knew, but none would turn back.

And the sound: "oOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUuuuuUUOOOO". Now loud enough to fill not only their heads but seeming to claw at their very souls!

Now at the basement door! The antique, crying squeak of the hinges eeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEee made the boys wince and almost cover their ears. But they had to know. WHAT is making that horrible, terrible sound?

"ooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUoooooUUUUUUUOOOOOOO"

In the center of the basement lay an unholy coffin! A twisted artistic expression of murder, decay and

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/billbixbyakahulk
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2020
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My dad made the dadliest of jokes.

We were watching die hard 4 and we got to the bit where the evil hacker guy shoots most of the people he was working with. I was a bit confused so I said,” hang on, weren’t they working for him?” My dad then proceeded to say,”not any more. They just got fired.” It was such a bad joke but definitely a great dad joke.

πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nessmainsarescum
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2020
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Not specifically a joke but....

Today my wife was making oatmeal cookies, and was getting rolled oats out of the cupboard. I adamantly told her to STOP and she can't use them yet. Grabbing them, I proceeded to walk across the kitchen, and roll them across the floor. "There. NOW you have rolled oats," I say. Only to receive a facepalm and to be told to get out of the kitchen...

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/medaele
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2020
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How many hands am I holding up?

If you ever accidentally smack your kid in the face and they say ow my eyes is blurry, or if they bump their face etc

Say β€œah buddy u ok? Can u see? How many hands am I holding up?

Then proceed to hold up one hand with four fingers.

The kid will most often say 4. Then you make the dad face.

β€œ4 hands!?!? Yah we might have a problem!”

πŸ‘︎ 39
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MuskIsAlien
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2020
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Bee strong
πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MilPens
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2019
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Patrick Roy, perhaps the best goaltender of all time, was having a family reunion.

Being a wealthy celebrity, he'd volunteered to hold the proceedings at his home. The spread was excellent and Pat's father drew him aside as things were winding down.

"I have a feeling your team is going to do great this year!"

"Why's that Dad?"

"I feel like God can't help but root for a man who's a father, a son and a goalie-host."

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DrobeOfWar
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2020
🚨︎ report
If you make dad jokes, what language do you speak?

Pun-Jabi

proceeds to the nearest exit

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/itsthatbrownguy91
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2020
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*stares with confusing concern*

Her: what?

Me: ... What IS that?!

Her: what's what?

Me: there's someone on the side of your face...

Her: "what? Oh god, where" proceeds to try to wipe face

Me: right there! .. oh, it's just your ear!

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/breakone9r
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2020
🚨︎ report
My husband just dropped a bag of burgers on the floor

Then proceeded to say "well, if it wasn't ground beef before, it is now."

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AdiTheFox
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2020
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Just got the wife with this one...

Her: makes a bad attempt at a joke

Me moments after: "Hey, what's the difference between a mom joke and a dad joke?

Her: ... What?

Me: Dad jokes are funny!!

Then I proceeded to laugh while she gave me 'that look'.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ninjoe87
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2020
🚨︎ report
Europe = You’re up

I was listening to music with my dad recently and we were taking turns playing songs. I played the song β€œtime has come” by the band Europe, from the hot rod soundtrack (Hilarious movie btw). I pointed to my phone and said β€œEurope!”. My dad yelled β€œI’m up? Alright!” And started looking for the next song to play. I was like β€œNo! EUROPE” and he was like β€œI KNOW, IM UP” and proceeded to play the next song. Afterward he said he was just fucking with me. A true dad moment. Thought you guys might appreciate.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2020
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I always knock before opening the fridge

In case there's a salad dressing

πŸ‘︎ 39
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πŸ‘€︎ u/superboii_
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2019
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I wake up in the morning, then proceed to lay down on the couch

Dad: At least you didn't go to the refrigerator to get a hotdog. Then you would have gone from bed to wurst.

πŸ‘︎ 53
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ChAnKoEr
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2014
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My dad's version of a well known nursery rhyme. He used to recite this all the time when I was a kid and then proceed to laugh hysterically for several minutes.

Hickory Dickory Dock

Three mice ran up the clock,

The clock struck one,

And the other two got away with minor injuries.

ISN'T THAT HILARIOUS

πŸ‘︎ 45
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BardLover108
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2013
🚨︎ report
How many kidneys ya got?

Told this one to my daughter a while back.

She said 2. I said "Nope, you have 4"

Then proceeded to poke her in each side "one kidney, two kidney" and pointed at her knees. "3 kid knee, four kid knee"

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/breakone9r
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2020
🚨︎ report
how to get a girl

I was at the grocery store and saw a cute girl, so i dropped a lime on the ground and fumbled around with it for a minute and said "sorry im terrible at pickup limes"

πŸ‘︎ 72
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πŸ‘€︎ u/timmyjaymes
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2018
🚨︎ report
Proceed with caution: joking about wife's butt.

Wife: (commenting on the state of her posterior, obviously a delicate topic) "It wouldn't be attractive if I had a 100% muscular butt: it's a good thing I make a little layer of fat to smooth it out and make me look feminine."

Me: "Well, you never do anything half-assed."

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Vesvvi
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2014
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A lady walks up to a man, who happens to be holding a giant stick. She proceeds to ask him, "Are you a pole vaulter?"

He replies, "No, I'm German. How did you know my name?"

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2014
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I came to a fork in the road.

I proceeded to pick it up.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Steven6942
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2019
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I recently went to a joke bar with a couple of friends...

Persons volunteer to tell jokes and whoever laughs has to pay $5. Since my friends and I were all lovers of quality humor, we accepted this challenge.

The guy proceeds to tell his joke and I've never laughed so hard in my life, my friends had tears in their eyes as well, from this clever witty joke.

We all proceed to grab our cash and pay him to which he replied:

"Don't worry about it guys, the joke's on me"

I gave him my wallet.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Zaynesky
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2020
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Hi. My name is DAK.

Hi. My name is DAK. A piece of string walks into a bar. The bartender says β€œsorry sir we don’t serve string here”. He then proceeds to tie him into a knot and throw in outside. Whilst outside, a pack of feral canines attack the piece of string until his fibers are loosened in a disheveled manner. The piece of string them proceeds to re enter the bar in need of medical assistance. β€œHey, aren’t you the string I just threw out?” Asks the bartender. β€œNo sir,” replies the string, β€œI’m a frayed knot”

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/USMPShauserC
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2019
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Our baby just pooped, my wife asked me to change him.

So I went to the hospital that he was born at, and proceed to swap him with another baby.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tutmencrut
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2020
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I was watching Zootopia on netflix with my girlfriend over the weekend...

I'm watching it with her, and halfway through the movie something clicks in my head.

Me: "Holy shit I just got it,this is a bunny cop movie"

GF: ......

ME:" instead of a buddy cop movie"

And then she proceeded to beat me

πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2016
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An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician. He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician...

"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you are American spy."

The spy is alarmed, but being a skilled, trained, spy, he says, "That is not true! I am the proudest Soviet there is! I can sing the anthem more beautifully than any other man in the country!"

He then proceeds to sing the Soviet anthem, so melodically and beautifully, that everybody in the bar cheers.

"Very good, very good!" says the politician. "But I still think you are spy."

The man continues to keep his cool.

"I am a historian! I can tell you everything about this glorious country!"

He then spends about two hours recounting the Revolution, the Great Patriotic War, about how superior to the Russia is in terms of technology compared to America and makes a great argument about how communism is beneficial to society.

"Amazing! You are skilled!" says the politician.

The spy smirks.

"But I still think you American spy."

The spy is getting frustrated, but still unfazed.

He replies, "I am good drinker, a true Russian! Let us drink, and see who can come out top!"

The bar turns its attention to the politician and the spy, who are now in a drinking contest.

The bartender serves drink after drink of vodka.

After about an hour of drinking, the politician nearly passes out, unable to hold as much liquor as the spy, to a resounding cheer amongst the bar.

In the midst of the cheering, the Russian politician gets up, smiling, and in a slurred speech, repeats, "You are good, you are good... but I still think you are spy."

The American spy, piss drunk, loses his skill and gives up.

"Okay, you got me. I am an American. But what made you think that way, after all this time?"

The Russian politician replies, "There aren't many black people in Russia."

πŸ‘︎ 86
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2019
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Since impeachment is an entirely political process...

Will public opinion sufficiently Schifft through these proceedings??

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/phluper
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2019
🚨︎ report
Driving on the highway. Wife: Hey, you just missed a right.

Me: Thanks babe. You just Mrs. Right.

πŸ‘︎ 44
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2018
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What do you call a girl who likes puns?

RePUNzel proceeds to slap knee

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/redwood_ninja_
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2019
🚨︎ report
So me and my girlfriend are out shopping for clothes...

Her: "My friend Van would love this shirt!"
Me: "I didn't know vehicles needed attire."
She gives me the 'are you serious' look.
Me: "Oh wait, they need at least four."
She proceeds to walk away.

πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WTFrank
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2017
🚨︎ report
Buddy Doesn't Know How to Park

So this is a true story.

I work a retail job. My friend neglected to properly put his Mustang in park in his space. It moved backwards across the lot and in to a customer's Jeep Grand Cherokee. Luckily for him, the damage was not serious.

Unlucky for him, all of my coworkers (and a few customers) proceeded to mercilessly roast him on the showroom floor.

Looking to me to defend him, he asked, "why don't you back me up?"

I said: "Back up seems to be the last thing you need, I'd just learn to roll with it, you might say I'm pretty neutral..."

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/allnerdsbewareme
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2019
🚨︎ report
Three little pigs

Once upon a time there were three little pigs, Pork Chop, Hambone, and Bacon.

The boys lived at home with their mother. One day their mother said, β€œI no longer have enough food to feed you boys, you need to go out on your own and find your fortunes.”

Not wanting to upset their mother they left the house together to seek their fortunes.

Several miles into their journey Bacon, the little pig everyone liked best, said, β€œLet’s build our houses here! This seems like a great place to start making our fortunes.”

Pork Chop and Hambone agreed. So they all began building their houses.

Pork Chop, the laziest of the bunch, decided to build his house out of straw, which he apparently stole from a nearby field. It was not a very sturdy building material, but Pork Chop didn’t care. All he wanted to do was play all day, and he didn’t want to spend too much time building.

Hambone was willing to work a bit harder and he decided to build his house out of sticks which he procured by de-limbing every tree within a 300 meter radius of their homestead.

Hambone and Pork Chop were happy. Now all they had to do was to play and sleep the rest of the day.

Now Bacon was a hard worker. He knew that his brothers had used bad materials and shoddy construction methods and he wanted to build the best house he could. He found several tons of bricks stacked in neatly ordered pallets in the forest which he decided to use for his building material. It took him several days, but when he was done Bacon had the best house on the homestead.

The next day a wolf, Scott Howard, happened upon the pig brothers and their new homestead. He spied the straw house and smelled Pork Chop inside and began to think to himself that Pork Chop would make a mighty fine meal, so Scott went and knocked on the door.

Scott said, β€œLittle Pig! Little Pig! Let me in!”

Pork Chop replied, β€œNo way JosΓ©! Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin!”

Scott, undeterred by the reply says, β€œThen I’ll huff, and I’ll puff, and I’ll blow your crappy straw house to the ground!”

Scott began to huff and puff. He was evidently having some sort of asthma attack, but after a few tugs from his handy dandy rescue inhaler, he was able to muster enough wind to blow Pork Chops straw house to the ground.

Pork Chop narrowly escaped Scott’s massive jaws. Scared, and now homeless, Pork Chop ran for the nearest shelter he could see. Hambone’s house.

Scott, undeterred, chased Pork Chop to his new hiding place. Scott was very pleas

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RageMonster17
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2019
🚨︎ report
My dads best one yet

My family were on vacation and we were going on a hike. We had been walking for a little over an hour when my sister she had something in her shoe that was bothering her.

She asked us to stop so she could take it out and my dad excitedly agreed. I was super confused as to why he seemed so excited, so I stopped as well.

My sister sat down, took off her shoe, and my dad gasped dramatically.

β€œOh my god! There was a foot in your shoe.”

He proceeded to laugh himself to tears, while I laughed at his reaction to his own dad joke.

πŸ‘︎ 78
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mrp17
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2019
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My first-time pregnant wife asks "why does it take so long for me to warm up?"

Without missing a beat I responded, "because you're heating for two now."

I then proceeded to laugh at my own joke. I feel like I'm prepared for my future as a dad.

πŸ‘︎ 59
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheBoBReaper
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2019
🚨︎ report

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