I've just lost my job at the hospital, shaving patients in preparation for spinal surgery...

Because of all the cut backs.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/awesome_smokey
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2021
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A sales guy tried to sell me on a new preparation to wash my hair with, which supposedly contains the excrements of some very special rainforest animal or whatever.

I think it was Scampoo.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/deceze
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2020
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What's it called when a Tibetan monk wants to kill a colleague, but needs spiritual preparation first?

A premeditated murder

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BrotherTausil
πŸ“…︎ Aug 12 2020
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In preparation for winter, I mounted my car's snow tires this weekend.

Now there's a tiring job.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/uranus_be_cold
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2019
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Doctors are pleased at how wide-spread influenza suppression meds have been distributed, in preparation to being used...

They say it's gone anti-viral.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Naitraen
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2019
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I went to buy a funeral plot in preparation for my eventual death...

I have to say, I had grave reservations when I left.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Vercalos
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2018
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A have a pet bird of prey that can come up with marketing strategies without any preparation!

We call him "Ad Hawk"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BunzarTheFuzzy
πŸ“…︎ Jun 03 2019
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Sleep? It's all about preparation.

Mum was out shopping and calling Dad excitedly at some new bedding she'd found. "It's so us, it will help your back, and it looks so so so comfortable. Come on, we've not had new bedding in years. I've chosen this amazing bed, sheets that go perfectly with our room. There's a deal where they throw in extras, like a U shaped pillow and then......."

Dad cut her off mid-flow and shouted "OK! Do it! Let's get it!"

He relayed the conversation back to us and said he was really excited.

Weeks later when the bed finally arrived he stood watching her unwrap the parts. I was just outside the room. He waited for his cue and when she opened the U shaped pillow - boom - he hit it,

"It looks nothing like me!" He shouted.

He turned to me and winked "totally worth it" he grinned at me.

..............…

I was confused.

................

He said "when I heard about the U shaped pillow I was so sold on the joke I had to let her buy it all".

Yeah... Nice one dad........

πŸ‘︎ 726
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πŸ‘€︎ u/smegmagma
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2014
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In preparation for a spelling bee, I asked my dad to use Nor’easter in a sentence.

Santa doesn’t come on Halloween, Nor’easter.

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2019
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In preparation for my child on the way

My fiancee and I were eating dinner at IHOP and she made a comment about getting full.

I told her there was no need to stuff herself just because she is pregnant.

She said, No. I think I can finish my plate and I'll be fine."

I responded with, "Sweetheart, I don't recommend eating plates they aren't good for the baby."

Her eyes rolled so hard I thought for sure they'd fall out. Needless to say I can't wait to be a father.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ucallurselfapoet
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2015
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Son got his mom over dinner preparation

Tonight at dinner, she looked at our 13 year old and said "We should make buns for Thanksgiving"

He paused for just a second, then responded "So, that would be mother-son bunding time?"

She sighed.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/redneckrockuhtree
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2016
🚨︎ report
Hear what happened when the guy heard the store was out of Preparation H?

He went on a 'rhoid rage.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/no_ur_cool
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2018
🚨︎ report
A dad joke in preparation for the holidays
πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kaldea
πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2013
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Wrote some quotes on my feet in preparation for an exam, the rules never mentioned anything against using footnotes
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πŸ‘€︎ u/casperillion
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2018
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My wife is expecting in March so in preparation, I have been working on my dad jokes. She was just thinking about whose features will be more dominant when our little one arrives. She then asked me whose genes were stronger.

I said "probably Lee or Levis." I laughed for about 5 minutes.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mmoffitt15
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2017
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The anthill was up for its regular winter stockpiling preparations...

... The queen ant had had the ants organized into battalions specialized to collect specific items. So the sugar ants were to collect sugar, jaggery ants jaggery, cereal ants cereals, and so on. However, all were given a strict instruction - nobody was to take even a single pea from humans in any case. Why? The queen didn't want a peas-ant revolution happening.

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πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2017
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Dad had something to say about wedding preparations

http://imgur.com/7biExap

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HOBO_MAc
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2014
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In preparation for fatherhood I Dad joked my boss yesterday...

Boss (to colleague on the phone) -"Make sure you check all the trees"

Me - "Make sure he checks the fours as well"

I feel ready

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ValhallaStanton
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2015
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My dad, after letting us all know he chose cremation when making end-of-life preparations

"I just want to go out with a smokin' hot body."

Good one, dad.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/drewdog173
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2014
🚨︎ report

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