Platinum ass is about to get steelen
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrKaprisan
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17
🚨︎ report
If you buy an album and it goes platinum, you're technically one in a million.
πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/itswhatitisbro
πŸ“…︎ Jul 17 2019
🚨︎ report
They say if you mix Rye malt with a platinum utensil it's delicious

But I'm not sure it's worth the Whisk

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PaxPaw
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2018
🚨︎ report
When you're in California, make sure your mechanic uses a state flag to check your oil.

Then you'll get a "Super Cali-Flagger Dipstick Expert Diagnosis."

Edit: Thanks for the Platinum stranger! Wow!

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PotBuzz
πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.

It’s an extremely rare dish order.

πŸ‘︎ 19k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2019
🚨︎ report
Why was Pavlov's beard so soft?

Because he conditioned it.

πŸ‘︎ 250
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πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2019
🚨︎ report
I was gonna give archery a shot

But theres too many drawbacks

Edit: Heckin thanks for the platinum!!!

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Demarcus-Xavier
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2019
🚨︎ report
Have you heard of whiteboards?

They're a pretty remarkable invention.

Edit: thanks kind stranger! My first ever award! Edit 2: Thanks for the Platinum kind stranger!

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BTWGaming
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2019
🚨︎ report
OC posted in honor of my dear father-in-law, who died of cancer today

Apologies for not following the usual formatting. My father-in-law was diagnosed with lung cancer a few months ago. A few weeks ago, we learned it had spread to his brain. Later that day, he told me:

β€œWell, everyone came by after they heard about the lung cancer and told me how strong and great I am, and that I’d beat lung cancer...”

pauses for effect

β€œ...I guess I let it go to my head.”

Edit: thank you all for the kind words (and the silver/gold/platinum...I’ll be making matching gifts to St. Jude’s or a similar organization).

Yes he was a great man. At age 20 he was given 3 months to live due to another β€˜incurable’ disease. He stuck around for another 45+ years. I could go on and on...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KoronaSenpai
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11
🚨︎ report
[Request] Can anyone please help me come up with a business name that is a Bob's Burgers-level pun?

The neighboring store front and exterminator van in the opening credits have the best punny business names and always crack me up. I'm a fan and would love to name my business in a similar fashion. ETA Examples: I'd Hit That Boxing Gym. Lady and the Clamp, Hardware for Her. A Fridge Too Far. Cupid's Stupid, Divorce Attorneys. A Ton in the Oven, Big and Tall Baby Clothes. Let's Scissor! Collage Studio. Don't Stop Bereaving, Grief Counseling.

But I am So. Stuck.

A little background about my business idea: I'm a personal/sometimes virtual assistant specializing in household admin and management. I'm marketing mostly towards blue collar men who might be widows/divorcees who never had to worry about the general finances and household paperwork. Some of the services offered are: budget setting, bill paying, appointment setting/calendar management, travel arrangements, errands, personal & grocery shopping, pet & house sitting, etc...

I'm ready to take the next steps in making this

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/EmElleGee31
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31
🚨︎ report
My wife is nervous about having to talk to strangers on a cruise we are about to take.

I said, β€œDon’t worry. We are all in the same boat.”

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2018
🚨︎ report
Got my first tattoo today

But it was only temporary.

(I see that image posts aren't allowed in this sub but gosh darn it, I earned this one. I throw myself on your mercy, mods.)
(Edit: Amazing, thank you for the silver, gold, and the platinum reward of Reddit: long self referential chains of bad jokes.)

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/theophan
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2019
🚨︎ report
I bought shoes from a drug dealer,

I don’t know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day

Edit: Thanks for the platinum!

πŸ‘︎ 128
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πŸ‘€︎ u/infyty
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2019
🚨︎ report
The person at the hairdressers asked me, "Are you braiding that girl's hair whilst dyeing it silver?"

I said, "No, platinum"

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GaryTheKnight
πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2019
🚨︎ report
When Sir Isaac Newton was about to release his book on gravity, he had his friends look over the draft...

It was a preview of coming attractions!

My 22-year-old son came up with this joke and I thought it too special to not share!

Or something like that to get me gold, silver and platinum awards. Thanks in advance!

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2019
🚨︎ report
What did George Takei say when he stuck a fork in a light socket?

Ohmmmmmmmmm myyyyyyyyyy!

Thanks for the platinum! Y'all are great!

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2019
🚨︎ report
I said to my wife, 'Our daughters have said if I style their hair they'll buy me a metal bracelet.'

'Platinum?' she asked.

I said, 'No, only straightening.'

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2019
🚨︎ report
I bought some valuable Barbie dolls that are made of metal, but I don't know how I should style their hair.

I think I might put a platinum.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2018
🚨︎ report
Got my brother good

My brother asked me if he could try the new liquor I just bought. I realizing my platinum opportunity replied with "Sure you can take a...shot"

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ladiesmanboy
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2015
🚨︎ report
OC posted in honor of my dear father-in-law, who died of cancer today

Apologies for not following the usual formatting. My father-in-law was diagnosed with lung cancer a few months ago. A few weeks ago, we learned it had spread to his brain. Later that day, he told me:

β€œWell, everyone came by after they heard about the lung cancer and told me how strong and great I am, and that I’d beat lung cancer...”

pauses for effect

β€œ...I guess I let it go to my head.”

Edit: thank you all for the kind words (and the silver/gold/platinum...I’ll be making matching gifts to St. Jude’s or a similar organization).

Yes he was a great man. At age 20 he was given 3 months to live due to another β€˜incurable’ disease. He stuck around for another 45+ years. I could go on and on...

πŸ‘︎ 19k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/bilgerat78
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2019
🚨︎ report
I was gonna give archery a shot

But theres too many drawbacks

Edit: Heckin thanks for the platinum!!!

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/KoronaSenpai
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06
🚨︎ report

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