Pieced Puns

Now he’s high on the list of people I never want to talk to again.

It’s my jingle bell rock.

The whole process was riveting

My lawyer said I don’t have much of a case.

Husband: I recommend that you use this clamp with my company’s logo on it.

Wife: I don’t need your advise!

"6 please. I could never eat 12."

The police aren’t helping because there isn’t enough concrete evidence.

Stationary.

It was simply terrible

I think I’ll call it “Mr. Holland’s Opus”

He asks the barman about it and the barman explains, “If you can jump up and hit one, you’ll get a free drink, but if you miss, you have to buy everyone a round!”

The guy looks up and ponders for a minute then replies, “Nah, the steaks are too high.”

All you have to do is wait, eventually it’ll crease to exist!

Not on my watch!

It’s true I saw it with my own eyes.

He was all bark and no bite

you could go to jail for a very long time?

With a frown, she says "I don't want a lot for Christmas".

Dashing

The money is good.

I'm on knights this week.

(Banana for scale)

Although what the daft boy wants with an ex box, I'll never know.

They climb up a couple of bar stools and have a seat. One of them says to the bartender, "Hey, give me and my partner here a beer would you?"

The bartender replied, "Sorry, we don't serve strings here."

So they climb down off of the bar stools and slither across the floor and out of the bar.

One says to the other,"Lets go down the street. I know of a better bar than this one anyways."

"Now wait a minute, said the other string.This is clearly discrimination!"

"Well what do you intend to do about it?"said the other string?

"I'm going to go back in with a disguise and I'll get that damn beer." So he ties himself in a knot, frazzles up one end of himself,goes back into the bar,slithers across the floor and climbs up the bar stool. He says to the bartender, "I'd like a beer please."

The bartender says," Wait a minute . Aren't you the same piece of string that was in here a while ago?"

So the string said, "No.I'm a frayed knot.

Because they think every check is check mate

Guy:"Whats this about?" Bartender:"Well, if you can jump up and slap the meat, you get free drinks for the rest of the night. If you miss, you pay for everyones drinks for the next hour. You wanna do it? Guy:"Nah, the steaks are too high."

I call it the: Measure Mint

It was Tit for Tat

FLANnel

A jigsaw pozole.

I know it's hard to believe, but I saw it with my own two eyes.

Im gonna be blunt with you,

A scarf.

See, it's a simple process... just don't pick it up!

Happy cake day to anyone who shares the same as mine!

and the box said 2-4 years!

Obviously a sham rock.

“What are you doing, dad?”

I sigh a long, heavy sigh.

“Not much, just feeling board.”

You will be mist

When I asked the keeper why, he said, "It was bread in captivity!"

No, the steaks are too high!

I shit you knot

I told him it was very unfortunate

Toupee

Rope: One beer, please.

Bartender: We don’t serve rope here.

Rope:walks outside and thinks

Rope:gets an idea, gets excited & messes up its hair

Rope:walks back in to the bar

Rope: One beer, please.

Bartender: Aren’t you that rope I just refused to serve. Rope: Nope, I’m a frayed knot.

Edit: Formatting.

Rookie mistake