Sorry wrong thread
But as anyone that has worked the night shift knows it can be a long and boring affair. No great threats to defend against. So this knight decided to improve himself, night after night he would bring books to read while he stood guard. Learning languages, math, philosophy. The smarter he gets the more he realizes that he will likely leave the world and be forgotten. In his depression he turns to music, learning instrument after instrument, style after style. Using his knowledge of math to create beautiful patterns and moving songs. He learns that it is they rhythm more than anything that draws people to a song and sets his nights to finding the rhythm that will be universally loved. Now, hundreds of years after his death, people the world over still remember Sir Cadian's Rhythm.
This was known as the Big Bang hypothesis.
Joke by Terry Pratchett, ‘The Colour of Magic’, Prologue.
It was amazing.
A Christmas stalking.
So when then come into port, they can Scandanavian
Police say he may be following a pattern.
There's a nap for that.
I call it mail pattern baldness
I think it‘s haireditery.
Because there are more birds on that side.
They use algae-rhythms
The people say that the lions come at the end of August with such regularity, they can begin to prepare for winter on the day they arrive. After all, The Pride comes before the fall.
Onion Jack
Dad - You know why you always see loons by themselves?
Me - Territori.....
Dad - Because if there were more than one, they would not be a-loon
-_-
An Uhuracane
Twelve individuals have been attacked in the last 48 hours.
The Police have announced that the attacker could be following some kind of pattern
I have seen all the patterns.
"Welcome everyone to Dads Anonymous. Again my name is Bill and you will notice that we have a new member, please welcome Gary -- Can you tell us what brought you to us today?"
"Well I have a very embarrassing confession. It's even hard to get the words out."
Bill reassures him, "We are all dads here and have been meeting for decades, we've been through all the highs and lows, births and deaths, tragedies, we've heard it all. Just tell us what's on your mind son, we are here to support each other."
"Well, a couple months ago, I broke both my legs in a motorcycle accident and couldn't walk, so I let my wife use the lawnmower." He says through the sobs...
Bob, one of the other dads, starts to get pale. "...and she didn't even cut it in a crisp geometric pattern, it was just random..." Bob starts to sweat and get dry heaves. "YOU BASTARD", he screams. "HOW COULD YOU LET THAT HAPPEN." The dads rise and get ready to beat the crap out of Gary, when Bill stands between them and breaks it up.
"Guys! Guys, we all get weak sometimes and things happen outside our control. Doug, you remember when you were in recovering from Chemo and you gave your wife a hammer, and she used it to hammer a roofing nail into the drywall to hang a picture!" Doug, looks down in shame, "Yes, that was a bad day, I was so weak. She missed the stud and left a dent in the wall, and she just hung the picture over it, crooked!" There was dead silence. "Thats ok Doug, it was twenty years ago, you were young and foolish, you can let it go". Then all the dads shook hands and sat back down.
Bill starts the meeting up again. Then Gary says, "..theres one more thing, Right after I got out of the hospital, she wanted to make a special dinner for us, so I let her grill the steaks..." "OH LORD THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING!" screams Dave, another dad, his face turning red. Gary continues "...she burnt them one one side and they were dry and chewy." Now there is a bedlam, one dad immediately passes out cold, chairs are thrown, broken bottles, Gary is on the ground being kicked in the ribs. After a few tense minutes Bill managed to get the dads off of Gary. "Stop it, Dave you're killing him. Come on, you remember that time you let your wife go to the repair shop for an oil change?" Dave hung his head, and muttered yeah. "They convinced her to change the cabin filter, wiper blades and the radiator collant..." Bill kept prodding "and, aaand" ...Dave broke down, "and she bought a jug of blinker fluid!" T
... keep reading on reddit ➡Cat 1
Cat 2
Cat 3
Cat 4
What comes next?
Ethernet
Me: It’s sew easy!
My Husband: It’s not very sewphisticated!...Do my puns have you in stitches? I’m laughing so hard I’m bobbin my head back and forth.
My Dad: Are you starting to see a pattern here?
DAD: "Man, I am dizzy from mowing the lawn"
ME: "Drink some water and lay down, it's hot out there!"
DAD: "Go look at the lawn" wink
He mowed the lawn in a giant circle pattern... The circumferences that man will go for a joke
But I told her winners never quilt.
My dad passed recently. He was the king of the silly sayings.
Was taking my grandson to go ice skating. We were running late and caught myself saying "We're off, like a herd of turtles!". Something my dad used to say ALL the time. Made me nostalgic...
Me: It's Kansas State song.
They have whale pattern baldness.
So as soon as I got home, I flopped onto a couch, and slept for an hour or two with my arm under a textured pillow. When I woke up, the texture left the textured markings on my arm. So I showed my brother, and he said “you have weird sleeping patterns”.
Today, I finally told him, "Because my hair falls out by itself."
I didn't have the heart to say, "You'll understand when you grow up."
It was about the only time male pattern baldness made sense to me.
When asked why he always wears a checkered shirt he replied "I like to wear grid patterns so I always look like I'm plotting something"
I walked down the stairs to see my wife on the floor laying out a pattern to sew. Her butt was facing me and of course I was staring and going into the kitchen.
Her: Are you staring at my butt? Me: Yes. Her: I always sense when someone is doing that. Me: I guess that means you have the gift of hind sight huh?
Edit: spelling
So my friend was wearing a fish patterned shirt.
Me: "Hey, nice shirt." Him: "Thanks?" Me: "I'm guessing you're wearing it because you think you're such a great catch." Him: sigh "No, I'm just wearing it for the halibut"
You've probably seen these... One whole side of the pillow has sequins, which are reversible, and reveal a different color or pattern when you flip the sequins.
My daughter was playing with hers, and making pictures by flipping the sequins in patterns.
I asked her if she could make a picture showing what she did today. She spent about 15 minutes painstakingly flipping sequins to show her going to school, and dance class. She was all done, and proudly showed me her work.
I said "Well, look at that... its a sequins of events."
I recently won a bowling ball that has a color pattern that looks like space. I want to get it engraved with an awesome bowling/space pun but I cant think of anything. Any suggestions?
The sweater was made with alpaca wool and had a pattern with alpacas wrapping around her chest. It had a beautifully intricate diamond pattern of various colors and you could tell it was finely crafted.
Mom: wow, what a beautiful sweater is that made from alpaca wool?
Old lady: Yes, we have a small herd of them.
Dad: YOU HAVE A HERD OF SWEATERS?!
Old lady stares blankly into my fathers eyes not quite understanding as I’m dying.
Backstory: I had bought a set of nice Nespresso coffee cups for my parents for Christmas (original, I know). But these aren't your standard, chunky, ceramic Christmas mugs with snowflakes or Santas, but actually something for the type of coffee fanatics that spend their money on Clooney's kind of blend, what else?
So - having dessert; cake, coffee, the whole shabang.
Me, inspecting one of said cups: "I'm glad I actually found a set that doesn't stay in the cupboard all year like literally every other mug you've ever gotten from anyone."
Mom, eating cake: "Mm-hmm."
Me: "Like, these are actually really nice. I like the pattern around the base and how they're round and square at the same time."
Mom, between bites: "They're very nice."
Suddenly, Dad, eating his cake completely silently up until this point: "You should take a picture of them. Might make for a pretty cool mugshot."
Cue me barely managing to swallow my coffee, Mom chuckling into her cup and both our subsequent groans
I'm out to dinner with my family and my grandpa starts sniffling a bit. So he pulls out one of his super old patterned handkerchiefs and says "my nose keeps running". He then quickly grabs his nose, handkerchief in hand and yells "got it!" super loud in the restaurant were at. While he's laughing at his own joke he goes "that's funny right there" and keeps laughing and partially retelling the joke.
I'm proud to be his grandson.
My mom, dad, and I were sitting down eating supper when my dad pipes up, "You know how birds fly in a V pattern?"
My mom and I hesitantly say yeah.
He asks another question. "You know how one side is always longer than the other? Do you know why?"
Now I had read something about birds flying in patterns and I wasn't expecting a joke so I guess something about air resistance.
A grin starts to form on his face and he says "Because that side has more birds."
I have this ongoing thing at the office where whenever this one middle-aged guy (call him Andy) gets a haircut, I say, "Hey Andy, you got a haircut" and Andy, without fail dadjokes me with "I got them ALL cut" and then we yuk it up in the hallway ... this has gone on for years and years, until recently, when Andy decided that due to male-pattern baldness, he would completely shave his head. Now it is not as funny to tell Andy he got his hair cut, because literally he got them ALL cut and it just looks like I am making fun of him. (:(
"Knock Knock"
"Who's There?"
".......Knock Knock."
"Who's There?"
".....Knock Knock"
"Who's there?"
"......Is anyone going to let the deaf guy in?"
(Repeat the pattern until you get the desired eye roll."
Relevant info: my mom is Christian, my dad is Jewish.
My dad loves to silently craft his dad jokes until the morning of any Christian holiday. He did not disappoint today.
Dad: I've been really popular on Facebook this morning. Me: Oh yeah? Dad: All of my friends have been commenting on my sleep patterns. [longish pause while he gets this gleeful-boyish look because of the confusion he can see on my face) Dad: They keep posting about how "He has risen!"
He's saying this to every member of our family, one-by-one, as we wake up.
My dad and I were preparing streaks for the family, he tells me how i should put it on the grill.
Dad: "so when you put these on, lie them down at a good 45 degrees, after 5 mins, turn them 45 degrees the other way, get a nice cross pattern on them."
Me: "45 degrees? Dad that's pretty cold I doubt it'll cook in 5 mins."
My father has male pattern baldness and my older brothers hair is beginning to thin out and one day when my entire family including my grandparents were sitting outside my mom pointed it out by saying.
"Rob, you're starting to lose your hair."
Within seconds with a straight face my dad just peaks up with.
"Oh honey don't worry about him, he's not losing his hair he's just getting more head!"
