A Pastor, a Priest and a Rabbi walk into a bar...
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πŸ‘€︎ u/xtzee
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2020
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A jewish pastor becomes a missionary...

...and ends up on the Island of Trid. The people there are starving and explain to the pastor that it’s because whenever they try to harvest the fruit at the top of the mountain, the nasty giant comes out of his cave and boots them all back down the hill. This infuriates the pastor who then declares that tomorrow he will join them on their next attempt. The next day they all march up the mountain together, and sure enough, out comes the giant who proceeds to kick all of the locals back down the hill leaving only the new guy to gather fruit at his leisure. Finally, he stops and asks the giant, β€œWell, aren’t you going to knock me off the mountain?”. Shaking his head, the giant says, β€œSilly rabbi, kicks are for Trids”.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/5YearApril
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2021
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My local pastor is a keen motor cyclist...

He's just bought himself a Holy Davidson.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2021
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Master of Noneβ€’β€’β€’Pastor of Muppets
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πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2020
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A pastor, priest and rabbi walk into a bar
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tribelawn
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2020
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I was having dinner with two Pastors once.

I couldn't reach the food, so I said, "Excuse me Pastor, can you pass the pasta past the Pastor?"

(This actually happened, but it was kind of a letdown - they both just looked at me blankly, then resumed eating.)

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πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2020
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I had my pastor bless a bottle of mercury for me.

I love my Christian Heavy Metal.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GerbilSpanker
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2020
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Forgive me father, pastor, vicar, padre, priest...

For I have synonymed.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kerlandays
πŸ“…︎ Jul 17 2020
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What happens when your local pastor smokes a blunt?

He becomes a high priest

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πŸ‘€︎ u/icemage27
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2020
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Today, my pastor started talking to the drum set during his sermon.

Boy did I appreciate the cymbal-ism...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/midas_1988
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2020
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My friend is pastor of a church that has no divine historical figures with extraordinary spiritual and moral insight...

It's a not-for-prophet organization.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2020
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Why did the pastor put butter in his bible?

So he could spread the word

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Wyrdrink
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2020
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What do you call a marathon for Pastors?

A rev-run

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MNdwarf
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2020
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My pastor friend refused to participate in a Full House themed lesbian wedding.

He didn’t want to marry Kate and Ashley.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16 2020
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Al pastor, a priest, and a rabbi walk into a bar

The al pastor says, "I think might be a..." The bartender cuts him off, "Hey, no outside food allowed."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RO-Red
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2020
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My pastor wasn’t a fan of my new Jesus Riceβ„’

He said not to take the lords name in grain.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/spyro4now
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2019
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If James Hetfield officiated a wedding between Kermit the Frog and Miss Piggy.....

He would be the Pastor of Muppets

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πŸ‘€︎ u/proweld7
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2020
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Church Alter Ego

This youth pastor is usually very humble, but once he stands on pulpit, he gets proud.

I think it’s his Altar ego

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πŸ‘€︎ u/leonelritchie
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2020
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What do you call a pastor who wanders from town to town, looking for leafy green vegetables?

A romaine Catholic priest.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2019
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What do you call a pastor who got bailed out

Christian Bale

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πŸ‘€︎ u/chrisb9999
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2019
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The pastor wanted to pause for a moment of prayer this morning.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/naturallyjoy
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2018
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A β€˜divine’ healer in his β€˜miracle’ ministry called, "Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed for, please come forward to the front."

With that, John got in line and when it was his turn the Pastor asked, " John, what do you want me to pray for you?"

John replied, "Pastor, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."

The Pastor put one finger of one hand on John's ear, placed his other hand on top of John's head, and then prayed and prayed and the whole congregation joined in with much enthusiasm. After a few minutes, the Pastor removed his hands, stood back and asked: "John, how is your hearing now?"

John answered, "I don't know. My hearing is actually next Thursday in the "Magistrate Court."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ball5deeper
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2020
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I just found out that my friend has a secret life as a priest.

It’s his altar ego.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2020
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What did one robot pastor say to the other?

How do we get them to byte, and chip in a few more CPUs on Sunday?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thebaconsizzle
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2019
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The pastor asked the congregation to skip verse 3 of the hymn,

but they refrained from that.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dutchraincloud
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2019
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I think my daughter has a crush on our pastor.

She talks about him religiously.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Enkage
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2019
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My old pastor was an outspoken advocate for Amazon.

I guess you could say he was a prime minister.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lilsguy
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2019
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I asked the local pastor why the church thought it was ok to make money off the Bible. He said, β€œit’s clearly written in the syntax.”
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πŸ‘€︎ u/blindfactotum
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2018
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What did the Lego pastor say to the congregation?

"Piece" be with you!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mister-Bear
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2018
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What did the pastor say when a bunch of chickens flew into his backyard?

"It's raining hen, hallelujah!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/nikhilbhavsar
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2017
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Grandpa: Don't come in here honey, I just passed a silent one.

Grandma: You need a new battery for your hearing aid.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jan_Tik
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2019
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My pastor invited us over to watch The Walking Dead

...a documentary on the lives of Lazarus and Jesus

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PaxPaw
πŸ“…︎ Mar 21 2018
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what do you call a marathon for pastors?

a REV. RUN

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πŸ‘€︎ u/neadien
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2017
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I didn't know nuns could also be al pastor i.reddituploads.com/ba66d…
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πŸ‘€︎ u/YouGottaBeKitten
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2017
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Why did the youth pastor show show his kids a horror movie?

To scare the hell out of them.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nerdican
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2016
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So a man sees his pastor at a liquor store on Sunday...

A man sees a priest buying hard liquor on a Sunday at a shop down the street from the church the priest is the pastor of. Surprised, the man, who went to that church, asked why he was buying a 5th of Jagermeister.

The priest said, "it's an old catholic secret that Jagermeister helps ease constipation, which one of the nuns has.

So the guy shrugs and leaves, only to see the priest later that day, not halfway back to the church, drunk as a skunk in the gutter, tipping the brown paper bag with Jagermeister in it all the way back as he drinks it.

He pulls up in his car and asks, "I thought you said it was for a nun's constipation!?"

The priest grunted, "It is! She's going to shit herself when she sees me like this!"

I'm posting this, my grandfather's joke, in honor of him passing a few months ago.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/im_from_detroit
πŸ“…︎ May 29 2015
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My Pastor Told Me a Dad Joke

My best friend's dad is my Pastor, I was talking to my Pastor (whose name is Malcam) about being George Washington in class today, he replied with

"I was named after George Washington!"

"How?"

"He was named in the 1700's, I was named in the 1900's."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/IamBatman777
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2016
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What car does the pastor drive?

A Prius-t

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πŸ‘€︎ u/maxdoss
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2016
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Pastor dad-joked the congregation..

My pastor was talking about the influences of mothers in our lives... He proceeded to talk about how his daughter danced and had pleased Herod, and he offered her anything she wanted, up to half the kingdom. The dancer consulted her mother, who said she should request John the Baptist's head.

This, he informed us, is how to get a head in life.

Dad tears were present.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jman4647
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2014
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Pastor got the whole congregation

sitting quietly during sermon Pastor: Anybody know who the only person in the bible without parents is? not one raised hand Pastor: Joeseph, son of nun. a room full of groans

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CollinBourland
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2014
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our pastor slipped this dad joke into the sermon

and do you know who the first person mentioned in the bible to not have a father or mother was? it was joshua, because he was the son of nun.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/vanguarder
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2015
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My friends dad is a pastor

He said he got to speak at a large church in NYC. I said wow, that's great what did you say? He said "excuse me, where is the restroom?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HeyJudeWhat
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2014
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An English lady, while vacationing in Switzerland, fell in love with a small town and the surrounding countryside.

She asked the pastor of a local church if he knew of any houses with rooms to rent that were close to town, but out in the country. The pastor kindly drove her out to see a house with a room to rent. She loved the house and decided to rent the room. Then, the lady returned to her home in England to make her final preparations to move to Switzerland.

When she arrived back home, the thought occurred to her that she had not seen a β€œW.C.” in the room or even down the hall. (A W.C. is short for β€œwater closet” and is what the English call a toilet.) So she immediately emailed the pastor to ask him where the β€œW.C.” is located.

The Swiss pastor had never heard of a β€œW.C.,” and so he Googled the abbreviation and found an article titled β€œWayside Chapels.” Thinking that the English lady was asking about a country church to attend near her new home, the pastor responded as follows:

Ms. Smith,

I look forward to your move. Regarding your question about the location of the W.C., the closest W.C. is situated only two miles from the room you have rented, in the center of a beautiful grove of pine trees. The W.C. has aΒ maximum occupancy of 229 people, but not that many people usually go on weekdays. I suggest youΒ plan to go on Thursday evenings when there is a sing-along. The acoustics are remarkable and the happy sounds of so many people echo throughout the W.C.

Sunday mornings are extremely crowded. The locals tend to arrive early and many bring their lunches to make a day of it. Those who arrive just in time can usually be squeezed into the W.C. before things start, but not always. Best to go early if you can!

It may interest you to know that my own daughter was married in the W.C. and it was there that she met her husband. I remember how everyone crowded in to sit close to the bride and groom. There were two people to a seat ordinarily occupied by one, but our friends and family were happy to share. Β I will admit that my wife and I felt particularly relieved when it was over. We were truly wiped out.

Because of my responsibilities in town, I can’t go as often as I used to. In fact, I haven’t been in well over a year. I can tell you I really miss regularly going to the W.C. Let’s plan on going together for your first visit. I can reserve us seats where you will be seen by all.

Sincerely,

Pastor Kurt Meier

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Anthonybrose
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2020
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Youth Pastor got me on this one after I made a joke involving my waitress girlfriend.

Facebook post:

We've only been dating a little less than 6 months, in high school, and she's already serving me dinner for the 4th time.

His comment (Father of 4 kids):

I've heard of second breakfast, but fourth dinner? Aren't you full yet?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ACEmat
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2014
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What is a marathon for pastors called?

A Rev-run.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/_PROkofiev_
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2019
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A Priest, a Pastor, and a Rabbi walk into a bar...

The bartender looks up and says, what is this some kind of joke?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Fonz136
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2019
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