Why did the American pass out in a Canadian bar?

He saw an ad that read "Drink Canada Dry", so he thought he would give it a try.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/elster000
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2021
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If the government were to pass out free laxatives...

...would that make them enemas of the state?

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Spotted_Lady
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2019
🚨︎ report
Driving with my son and we pass a farm. I point out the flock of cows. He turns to me and says "Dad it's a herd of cows"

Heard of cows, of course I heard of cows. I just pointed out a flock of them.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chefdumbdumb
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2019
🚨︎ report
Instead of cards, they made me pass out nickels when we played poker.

But I don't deal well with change.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/zenpod
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2018
🚨︎ report
Had colonoscopy the other day and laid this one on the doctors while waiting to pass out: I'm gonna put you guys down in my resume as references.

You are the only people who really know me inside out.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kenef
πŸ“…︎ Feb 17 2019
🚨︎ report
Why did the ghost pass out at the party

Couldn't handle his boos

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/barwhalis
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2018
🚨︎ report
I tried out a new poop joke but it didn't pass...

They said it was too corny.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Finian
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2016
🚨︎ report
I'm going to pass out

Backstory: Dad gets splinter, mom asks me to hold flash light, I start to get the feeling that I am about to pass out (ears ringing, tunnel vision, light headed.)

Me: Sorry I couldn't be of help, I was about to pass out, my ears starting ringing...

Dad:...Your ears started ringing?

Me: Yeah...

Dad: Well did you pick em up?!

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kittehluh
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2015
🚨︎ report
As we pass a homeless man holding out a cup on the sidewalk.

Dad: Oh look, that nice man's handing out change for us.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sideroller
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2013
🚨︎ report
I was out by the street trying to hitchhike but every single car I stuck my thumb out for just passed me by. I began to wonder if it had something to do with the cargo shorts I was wearing.

So I went home and put on some carstop shorts, and had much better success at hitchhiking after that.

πŸ‘︎ 77
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πŸ‘€︎ u/copenhagen_bram
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2021
🚨︎ report
A mom joke really, as my wife said it as we walked passed an Easter service letting out where "Sunday finest" isn't a thing.

Me: "Really?! She wore ripped jeans to an Easter mass?"

Wife: "Those are her holy jeans."

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/eaglewatch1945
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2021
🚨︎ report
At 2:00PM a NASA scientist passes out....

After he is revived the medics find out the last time he ate was at breakfast. They determine that he had a "failure to lunch."

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FelixTheCrazy
πŸ“…︎ Feb 17 2021
🚨︎ report
When it comes to decorating the Christmas tree, I've got a leg up on the competition. My cat says I passed out under the tree again, but I told her to stop pulling my leg.
πŸ‘︎ 51
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πŸ‘€︎ u/stalnoypirat
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2020
🚨︎ report
I want to write a screenplay about a Hollywood director who camps out in the wilderness until the pandemic passes.

His name is Tentin’ Quarantino.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/spsheridan
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2020
🚨︎ report
I found out my wife's hair stylist passed away, she asked me what happened.

She dyed.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ“…︎ Feb 29 2020
🚨︎ report
I was at work when i passed by the interviewer's office and saw a small bear walk out depressed, I went in and asked "Whats his deal?"

They said he wasn't Koalafied

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Waterburst789
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a drunk Irish man passed out in your yard?

Paddy O'Furniture

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sleepythe12th
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2019
🚨︎ report
Unfortunately my father passed away because we couldn’t figure out his blood type

His last words were β€œbe positive”

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nocentssub
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend passed away after drinking an out of date coffee...

I just hope it was instant.

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chrislaker92
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2019
🚨︎ report
My anaesthetist passed out on a Ferris wheel

Oh well, what goes around comes around.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/amiur
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2019
🚨︎ report
Me: β€œBilly passed out in the living room” Dad: β€œWell I guess it’s not the living room anymore”
πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/awildspenappears
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2018
🚨︎ report
I went for a walk and passed out!

When I came to, I hadn't the faintest idea why!

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2019
🚨︎ report
So I was scrambling some eggs this morning and if you know me, I like my eggs real scrambled. So I was going at these eggs hard, using all of my muscle to whisk these bad boys, when suddenly my arm goes numb and I passed out.

I guess you could say I β€œover-eggxerted” myself.

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KekMudkip
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2019
🚨︎ report
This rooster was chasing a hen, clearly meaning business. But as it passed the kitchen grandma was throwing out some breadcrumbs and so it suddenly lost interest and started pecking away.

Upon which grandpa said, "Son, pray for me, that I never get that hungry!"

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jan_Tik
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2019
🚨︎ report
When the flood receded... (A Math joke)

Noah let out all the animals. Two by two, they disembarked from the ark.

As Noah breathed a sigh of relief, the two snakes that were on the ark came up.

β€œNoah, Noah!” they cried. β€œCan you get us some logs?”

Noah, groaning, complied with the request.

Months pass. Noah is making some food in his home when the two snakes he gave logs return with their kids. A lot of them.

They ask, β€œCan you get us more logs?”

Noah, clearly pissed, says, β€œFine. But why the hell do you need logs to reproduce?”

The dad snake replies, β€œOh, we’re adders, we need logs to multiply.”

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ElsonDaSushiChef
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2021
🚨︎ report
A chicken walks into a library

It goes up to the librarian and says "bok." The shocked librarian looks at the chicken and says, "Excuse me, what?" and the chicken repeats, "bok."

The librarian thinks a moment before asking, "You want a book?" The chicken nods and says, "bok," so the librarian goes and gives the chicken a book, and it walks out.

A few minutes later the chicken struts back in and says "bok bok." The librarian, still shocked, asks if it wants two books, to which the chicken replies, "bok bok." So the librarian gets two more books and gives them to the chicken.

A few more minutes pass and the chicken walks back up to the front desk, saying "bok bok bok." The librarian nods and fetches three more books, but this time decides to follow the chicken outside.

Tailing the chicken, she watches as it walks out to the parking lot, where a frog is sitting by a pile of books. When the chicken lays the new delivery before it, the frog takes one look and says, "reddit, reddit!"

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2021
🚨︎ report
Bad as it gets

I was setting up my buddy Rick with this cute gal Tina I knew from work. She was smart, funny and worked in a shop. Several years ago, she lost all the digits on both feet in a shop accident. When I told Rick this he did a hard pass on her.
Turns out he is LackToes Intolerant.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RebellaScumm
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2021
🚨︎ report
My newborn passed out face down in his crib. He has a drinking problem

Breastfeeding usually leaves him sheetfaced

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sparxican
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2019
🚨︎ report
My parents and I passed a used tires shop with a huge pile out front

I said "Wow, he's sure set for retirement"

πŸ‘︎ 368
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lil_Krispiez
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2015
🚨︎ report
I went to a party full of optimists and passed out after drinking too much.

I woke up and someone had drawn happiness on my forehead.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2018
🚨︎ report
I used to go over to my grandmother's house in the middle of the night and drink earl grey with her. It was our ritual. I called this evening out of habit, forgetting she had passed away, and her ghost answered.

I guess you could call it a boo-tea call.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NWmba
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2015
🚨︎ report
My friend went onto a roller-coaster and he passed out on it.

He said he has never passed out on one before.

I said, "Gs, man."

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dreamingofcthulhu
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2016
🚨︎ report
Someone found out a way of passing between walls

They called it "doors".

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kmvot
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2017
🚨︎ report
Christmas warning

A warning to be careful about drink driving as we are getting close to Christmas and the police are out there checking on people. Tonight, I was at a friend's house for a few drinks. One thing lead to another and I had a few too many Jack Daniels and then went onto the Bailey's. Not a good idea. Knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave my car at my friend's house, and took the bus home. Sure enough, I passed a police checkpoint at the top of the road where they were pulling over cars and performing breathalyser tests. Because I was on the bus, they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise as I've never driven a bus before and I’m not even sure where I got it from...

πŸ‘︎ 35
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πŸ‘€︎ u/vanilakodey
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the girl who passed out on the beach?

She was on conches!

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AdmiralAdjective
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2015
🚨︎ report
What do you call an Irishman that's passed out on your deck?

Paddy O'Furniture

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Russ_T_Razor
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2016
🚨︎ report
A doctor was teaching a class, and wanted to give a pop quiz about tolerance and observance when dealing with the cadavers. (L) (On Mobile)

Teacher: β€œSo I want everyone to understand that a dead body isn’t disgusting, and we need to be able to handle it and always be observant at all times when dealing with one”

The teacher has everyone turn their body over

Teacher: β€œNow I want you all to stick your finger in it’s ass and hold it in there for a moment”

all of the students do as instructed, hesitant at first

Teacher: β€œOkay, now go ahead and pull your finger out and then put a finger in your mouth like I do”

The students getting a little disgusted by that request REALLY hesitated at first, but eventually they all did as he asked

As the teacher has all of his students with their finger in their mouth, he tells the class, β€œnow see it’s not disgusting if you did it right...if you put your index finger in the ass, and put your middle finger in your mouth like I did, you have just passed my class”.

With minimal observance, and a dead silent room...not one student passed the pop quiz

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wonkagloop
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2021
🚨︎ report
Help!! Creative Minds Needed!!

My Dad has recently shown a fascination with space and NASA. Long story short, Christmas is coming up and my plan is to surprise him with an all expense paid trip to Florida for 4 days with passes to the Kennedy Space Center. I’d schedule it around a launch so he would be able to see it in person. As well as checking out the area a bit since we’re there.

Which is where I need your help! I want to coordinate hints with presents that slightly hint at the trip. For example, I picked out a NASA tshirt, a space shuttle plush toy, assorted astronaut ice cream, socks that have planets and a rocket on them, mug that says β€œcoolest dad in the galaxy,” a map/atlas of florida, and luggage tags. And the final gift I’m thinking will be a letter that puts all the clues together and would include the plane tickets, car rental agreement, hotel confirmation, and the admission tickets in an envelope.

Can anyone give me ideas on what hints to use??

  • I’m still adding/taking away present ideas so if anyone has any better ideas please let me know!!

Thank you so much!! Any type of help is appreciated!! I don’t really have that β€œcreative” part of the mind... whether it be a rhyme or dad joke-y type hint, it doesn’t matter!

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2020
🚨︎ report
Dad joked a guy passing out bibles this weekend...

Walked by one of those guys who's preaching on the street side and passing out bibles to anyone he can.

.

Bible-Dude: Hello sir, would you like a New Testament?

Me: Oh, no thank you, I have an old one at home that works just fine.

.

My wife groaned in appreciation, but Bible-Dude didn't see the humor in it.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/justgrant2009
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2015
🚨︎ report
Two prawns were swimming around in the sea

One called Justin and the other called Kristian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area:

Finally one day Justin said to Kristian. "I'm fed up with being a prawn. I wish I was a shark and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten."

A large mysterious cod appeared and said. "Your wish is granted" Low and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Kristian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time passed (as it does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn..

He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam to Kristian's home. As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted. "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again."

Kristian replied. "No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner." Justin cried back. "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed....... I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Kristian!!.. πŸ€ͺ🀣

πŸ‘︎ 36
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OwenJthomas89
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2020
🚨︎ report
A dog sees a "Now hiring" poster outside of a computer store.

The poster reads:

"Must be able to type. Must be able to program. And must be bilingual. We are an equal opportunity employer."

The dog takes the poster in his mouth, and walks in. The manager spots the dog, and decides to humour it, pulling up a chair and a computer with a word processor. "Alright, if you want to work here, you need to first write a letter," and leaves the room.

30 minutes later, he comes back in, and the dog has typed out a completely error-free letter.

"Well, I'll be. This is a smart dog. But can he program?" he asks himself.

20 minutes pass, and the dog has made a perfectly running website for the store.

He looks, shocked, at the dog, and finally speaks. "Look, I know you have the qualifications, but, well... you're a dog."

The dog nudges the words "We are an equal opportunity employer." on the poster, and the manager sighs.

"There's no way you're bilingual."

The dog looks him in the eyes, and says, "Meow."

πŸ‘︎ 156
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πŸ‘€︎ u/juicy-tomato
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2020
🚨︎ report

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