When it comes to decorating the Christmas tree, I've got a leg up on the competition. My cat says I passed out under the tree again, but I told her to stop pulling my leg.
πŸ‘︎ 47
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πŸ‘€︎ u/stalnoypirat
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2020
🚨︎ report
I found out my wife's hair stylist passed away, she asked me what happened.

She dyed.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ“…︎ Feb 29 2020
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I was at work when i passed by the interviewer's office and saw a small bear walk out depressed, I went in and asked "Whats his deal?"

They said he wasn't Koalafied

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Waterburst789
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a drunk Irish man passed out in your yard?

Paddy O'Furniture

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sleepythe12th
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2019
🚨︎ report
Unfortunately my father passed away because we couldn’t figure out his blood type

His last words were β€œbe positive”

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nocentssub
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2020
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My friend passed away after drinking an out of date coffee...

I just hope it was instant.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chrislaker92
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2019
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My anaesthetist passed out on a Ferris wheel

Oh well, what goes around comes around.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/amiur
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2019
🚨︎ report
I went for a walk and passed out!

When I came to, I hadn't the faintest idea why!

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2019
🚨︎ report
Me: β€œBilly passed out in the living room” Dad: β€œWell I guess it’s not the living room anymore”
πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/awildspenappears
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2018
🚨︎ report
So I was scrambling some eggs this morning and if you know me, I like my eggs real scrambled. So I was going at these eggs hard, using all of my muscle to whisk these bad boys, when suddenly my arm goes numb and I passed out.

I guess you could say I β€œover-eggxerted” myself.

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KekMudkip
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2019
🚨︎ report
This rooster was chasing a hen, clearly meaning business. But as it passed the kitchen grandma was throwing out some breadcrumbs and so it suddenly lost interest and started pecking away.

Upon which grandpa said, "Son, pray for me, that I never get that hungry!"

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jan_Tik
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2019
🚨︎ report
My newborn passed out face down in his crib. He has a drinking problem

Breastfeeding usually leaves him sheetfaced

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sparxican
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2019
🚨︎ report
My parents and I passed a used tires shop with a huge pile out front

I said "Wow, he's sure set for retirement"

πŸ‘︎ 359
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lil_Krispiez
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2015
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I went to a party full of optimists and passed out after drinking too much.

I woke up and someone had drawn happiness on my forehead.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2018
🚨︎ report
I used to go over to my grandmother's house in the middle of the night and drink earl grey with her. It was our ritual. I called this evening out of habit, forgetting she had passed away, and her ghost answered.

I guess you could call it a boo-tea call.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NWmba
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2015
🚨︎ report
My friend went onto a roller-coaster and he passed out on it.

He said he has never passed out on one before.

I said, "Gs, man."

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dreamingofcthulhu
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2016
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the girl who passed out on the beach?

She was on conches!

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AdmiralAdjective
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2015
🚨︎ report
What do you call an Irishman that's passed out on your deck?

Paddy O'Furniture

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Russ_T_Razor
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2016
🚨︎ report
I want to write a screenplay about a Hollywood director who camps out in the wilderness until the pandemic passes.

His name is Tentin’ Quarantino.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/spsheridan
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2020
🚨︎ report
My dad went from person to person at the family reunion passing out SIPPs, DIPPs, SIMMs, and DIMMs.

Whe asked about why, he said it seemed like the right occasion for sharing old memories.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BringOutTheGMMP
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2020
🚨︎ report
A doctor was teaching a class, and wanted to give a pop quiz about tolerance and observance when dealing with the cadavers. (L) (On Mobile)

Teacher: β€œSo I want everyone to understand that a dead body isn’t disgusting, and we need to be able to handle it and always be observant at all times when dealing with one”

The teacher has everyone turn their body over

Teacher: β€œNow I want you all to stick your finger in it’s ass and hold it in there for a moment”

all of the students do as instructed, hesitant at first

Teacher: β€œOkay, now go ahead and pull your finger out and then put a finger in your mouth like I do”

The students getting a little disgusted by that request REALLY hesitated at first, but eventually they all did as he asked

As the teacher has all of his students with their finger in their mouth, he tells the class, β€œnow see it’s not disgusting if you did it right...if you put your index finger in the ass, and put your middle finger in your mouth like I did, you have just passed my class”.

With minimal observance, and a dead silent room...not one student passed the pop quiz

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wonkagloop
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2021
🚨︎ report
Christmas warning

A warning to be careful about drink driving as we are getting close to Christmas and the police are out there checking on people. Tonight, I was at a friend's house for a few drinks. One thing lead to another and I had a few too many Jack Daniels and then went onto the Bailey's. Not a good idea. Knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave my car at my friend's house, and took the bus home. Sure enough, I passed a police checkpoint at the top of the road where they were pulling over cars and performing breathalyser tests. Because I was on the bus, they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise as I've never driven a bus before and I’m not even sure where I got it from...

πŸ‘︎ 33
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πŸ‘€︎ u/vanilakodey
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2020
🚨︎ report
If the government were to pass out free laxatives...

...would that make them enemas of the state?

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Spotted_Lady
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2019
🚨︎ report
Driving with my son and we pass a farm. I point out the flock of cows. He turns to me and says "Dad it's a herd of cows"

Heard of cows, of course I heard of cows. I just pointed out a flock of them.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chefdumbdumb
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2019
🚨︎ report
Had colonoscopy the other day and laid this one on the doctors while waiting to pass out: I'm gonna put you guys down in my resume as references.

You are the only people who really know me inside out.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kenef
πŸ“…︎ Feb 17 2019
🚨︎ report
Instead of cards, they made me pass out nickels when we played poker.

But I don't deal well with change.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/zenpod
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2018
🚨︎ report
Help!! Creative Minds Needed!!

My Dad has recently shown a fascination with space and NASA. Long story short, Christmas is coming up and my plan is to surprise him with an all expense paid trip to Florida for 4 days with passes to the Kennedy Space Center. I’d schedule it around a launch so he would be able to see it in person. As well as checking out the area a bit since we’re there.

Which is where I need your help! I want to coordinate hints with presents that slightly hint at the trip. For example, I picked out a NASA tshirt, a space shuttle plush toy, assorted astronaut ice cream, socks that have planets and a rocket on them, mug that says β€œcoolest dad in the galaxy,” a map/atlas of florida, and luggage tags. And the final gift I’m thinking will be a letter that puts all the clues together and would include the plane tickets, car rental agreement, hotel confirmation, and the admission tickets in an envelope.

Can anyone give me ideas on what hints to use??

  • I’m still adding/taking away present ideas so if anyone has any better ideas please let me know!!

Thank you so much!! Any type of help is appreciated!! I don’t really have that β€œcreative” part of the mind... whether it be a rhyme or dad joke-y type hint, it doesn’t matter!

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πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the ghost pass out at the party

Couldn't handle his boos

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/barwhalis
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2018
🚨︎ report
Two prawns were swimming around in the sea

One called Justin and the other called Kristian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area:

Finally one day Justin said to Kristian. "I'm fed up with being a prawn. I wish I was a shark and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten."

A large mysterious cod appeared and said. "Your wish is granted" Low and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Kristian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time passed (as it does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn..

He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam to Kristian's home. As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted. "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again."

Kristian replied. "No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner." Justin cried back. "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed....... I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Kristian!!.. πŸ€ͺ🀣

πŸ‘︎ 37
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OwenJthomas89
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2020
🚨︎ report
My dad's best joke

"Ain't those lumpy farts the shits?"

This is my favorite joke my dad told me. He passed away 11 years ago. When we were cleaning out his stuff, I found a blank book where he had written a bunch of dumb one-liners and favorite quotes. I photocopied them, cut them apart, and gave my sisters each an envelope full of dad's wisdom. I wish I could have seen their faces when they pulled this one out!

My sister gave me one of his old cowboy hats this week, so I've been wearing it a lot and thinking of him. Hope y'all got a chuckle out of this one.

πŸ‘︎ 91
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Juevolitos
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2020
🚨︎ report
The Anaheim hockey team should have a giveaway night where they pass out pucks with their logo on them.

Duck pucks.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bathroom_Pninja
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2017
🚨︎ report
A man is sitting in the hospital with his newborn baby when his own father walks in.

Father: "So, how does it feel being a dad?"

Son: "It feels good. I'm a bit scared of course, but so excited at the same time. How does it feel being a grandfather?"

Father: "It feels pretty great. You've always been a good son and I've been patiently waiting for this special moment. There's something now that I have to give you."

The son watches curiously as his father pulls a large tome out of his backpack with exquisite text on the cover: 'The Big Book of Dad Jokes'.

Father: " For generations these sacred texts have been passed down through the patriarchs of our family. My father gave it to me when you were born and now, as a new father yourself, I bestow it to you. With this book you will have all the knowledge needed to become a truly great Dad."

Son: " Wow, Dad, this is amazing! Truly! I'm... I'm honored."

The father smiles as he extends his arm out to shake his son's hand and says,

"Nice to meet you, Honored. I'm Dad."

πŸ‘︎ 216
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ChewyNutCluster
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2020
🚨︎ report
Race horse Pat

There was a race horse named Pat, who was one of the greatest race horses to ever live. He set records that were near impossible to beat. After a long time of racing, he retired to an old stable with some old friends. They were very happy that he retired there to stay with him, and congratulated him on all of his records that he set.

Once Pat retired, he started keeping track of all the up and coming horses that were winning a lot. There was a race horse named Charlie that was doing really great and winning all his races. Pat saw this horse and watched him race. Charlie started to break all of Pat’s records and Pat was a little upset with this.

After a while, Charlie decided to retire after an extremely successful career in racing. By chance, Charlie decided to retire at the same stable that Pat retired in. When Charlie entered the stable, everyone went up to him to congratulate him on his records and wins. Pat went up to Charlie and said, β€œHey Charlie congratulations on all of your wins! You broke a lot of my records and I was very impressed.” Charlie responds, β€œgo away old man, I’m better than you ever were.” Pat was blown away by his response. He galloped away from Charlie with defeat.

After a while of thinking, Pat decides to challenge Charlie to a race. Charlie agreed to it and wanted to race right away. He said β€œWe will race to the tree over there and turn around and come back and whoever gets there first will be the winner.” Pat was still healthy but he needed a few weeks to get his legs back into shape for the race. Charlie gives Pat 2 weeks to get ready.

After 2 weeks pass, they are ready to race. β€œHey Pat, before we race I want to warn you that I win my races by passing them by the end. So don’t get all cocky and think you are going to win.” Charlie says. Pat thanks him for the warning and they start getting set to race.

The gun sounds and they are off to race. Pat starts out in front, and nears the finish. Out of know where, Charlie zooms ahead of Pat and wins the race.

Pat was very disappointed in his loss, but congratulated Charlie anyways. A dog comes up to them and says, β€œWow, that was a fantastic race! Neither of you should be upset with that. You both were so great!” Charlie looks to Pat and Pat looks to Charlie. They are astonished. Charlie says, β€œSay that again! Say it again!” The dog says a little confused, β€œWell I just said that you both were so great out there.” Pat says, β€œCharlie! It’s a talking dog!”

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SnappyOrange69
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2020
🚨︎ report
Dad Jokes

It was a brisk Saturday morning when Gerald arrived at β€œThe CafΓ©,” a hip coffee shop right down the street. Wearing his large, burly black coat, he stared hesitantly at his watch. Thick glasses adorned his bright blue eyes, his gaze like starlight in a clear night sky. He was waiting, intently twiddling his thumbs. After a buzz of his phone, the message from Dad popped up: β€œParking now, be there in 5.”

β€œDad,” he whispered under his breath, swiping the message away to once again reveal the image on his lock-screen: a hazy picture of an ultrasound.

Gerald had not spoken to his father for three years. They had had a falling out, over which he did not remember. To him it was a competition of who could wait the longest without calling or sending a text. Who could wait the longest: him without a father, or his father without a son? The idea of friction in the relationship hurt like a thorn; piercing his soul more and more everyday. Until recently, out of the blue, β€œDad” popped up on his phone. The rest is history. The rest leads to that Saturday morning, at The CafΓ©.

Bang! A car door rang out not too far from where Gerald stood. Gerald saw him. His father wore his tweed jacket like a coat of armor. His strut was now weaker than before they stopped talking; a weakness evident in his cane which supported every right step. His shortly trimmed white beard juxtaposed against his uncut, curly grey hair gave him the image of a wise wizard from a fairytale. He used to be that figure to Gerald, yet instead of a nice ancient being acting like a stone to keep him grounded, Gerald had felt as though his father was a rock pulling him deeper and deeper into a sea of monotony. Holding him back from his true potential. Maybe that was why he left? He still did not know.

β€œHello, son,” came the withered voice Gerald had sook for so long, yet now that it had arrived wanted to avoid. β€œI can’t believe it’s been so long!”

β€œYeah,” said Gerald, allowing a smile to grace his face. β€œToo long!”

Then they hugged, signifying a change in their relationship. Gerald had hoped something could happen to bring them closer together. He did not want to go on wondering what could have been. The regret and sadness weighed him down. Before starting a new family, Gerald wanted to be reacquainted with his own.

After finding their table and sitting down, the two began to discuss life. It was like old friends catching up after a long break. Although it took some time, Gerald began to warm u

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sullyrr
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2020
🚨︎ report
Someone found out a way of passing between walls

They called it "doors".

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kmvot
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2017
🚨︎ report
I tried out a new poop joke but it didn't pass...

They said it was too corny.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Finian
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2016
🚨︎ report
A dog sees a "Now hiring" poster outside of a computer store.

The poster reads:

"Must be able to type. Must be able to program. And must be bilingual. We are an equal opportunity employer."

The dog takes the poster in his mouth, and walks in. The manager spots the dog, and decides to humour it, pulling up a chair and a computer with a word processor. "Alright, if you want to work here, you need to first write a letter," and leaves the room.

30 minutes later, he comes back in, and the dog has typed out a completely error-free letter.

"Well, I'll be. This is a smart dog. But can he program?" he asks himself.

20 minutes pass, and the dog has made a perfectly running website for the store.

He looks, shocked, at the dog, and finally speaks. "Look, I know you have the qualifications, but, well... you're a dog."

The dog nudges the words "We are an equal opportunity employer." on the poster, and the manager sighs.

"There's no way you're bilingual."

The dog looks him in the eyes, and says, "Meow."

πŸ‘︎ 157
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πŸ‘€︎ u/juicy-tomato
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2020
🚨︎ report
I'm going to pass out

Backstory: Dad gets splinter, mom asks me to hold flash light, I start to get the feeling that I am about to pass out (ears ringing, tunnel vision, light headed.)

Me: Sorry I couldn't be of help, I was about to pass out, my ears starting ringing...

Dad:...Your ears started ringing?

Me: Yeah...

Dad: Well did you pick em up?!

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kittehluh
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2015
🚨︎ report
Dad joked a guy passing out bibles this weekend...

Walked by one of those guys who's preaching on the street side and passing out bibles to anyone he can.

.

Bible-Dude: Hello sir, would you like a New Testament?

Me: Oh, no thank you, I have an old one at home that works just fine.

.

My wife groaned in appreciation, but Bible-Dude didn't see the humor in it.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/justgrant2009
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2015
🚨︎ report
I have a party trick

I swallow 2 pieces of string, after they've passed through my body they come out joined together. I sh*t you knot.

πŸ‘︎ 41
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MuttonChopzzz
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2020
🚨︎ report
A joke about a suit that doesn’t fit?

Hey fam... My grandpa passed away yesterday and as I’ve been reflecting on old memories I vaguely remembered this old joke he used to tell me. I was hoping maybe someone in this community could help. I don’t remember much about it other than that it was about a suit that didn’t fit and the person in the joke had to keep getting it tailored. And maybe it was just the way my grandpa told the joke, but he’d always make this really theatrical voice and yell β€œhey! what did you do to my new suit?!” If anyone can help a grieving girl out that would be swell. :)

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/missjayelle
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2020
🚨︎ report
As we pass a homeless man holding out a cup on the sidewalk.

Dad: Oh look, that nice man's handing out change for us.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sideroller
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2013
🚨︎ report

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