Officially Puns

It's now called Lost Wages.

Because they would have to call him Master Vader.

I've been authorized.

Don’t buy it.

"Oboy!"

My wife and I just had our first yesterday. My son was less than 10 minutes old when the doctor was doing some post delivery stitching for my wife.

My wife said: "how many stitches is it going to be?"

Doc: "we're not actually counting stitches with this, it's a running stitch"

Without missing a beat, I said "is it going after the fridge?"

There was very brief pause of activity in the room, and then soft chuckles and head shakes. Someone muttered "that's a good one". I feel like I've been inaugurated.

Edit: to everyone confused by this, I'll explain

Back when landlines were the main way of calling people, and cellphones and caller ID was rare (or non-existent), making crank calls was a.... common past-time.

One of the common ones was went like this:

Victim: "hello?"

Pranker: "hi, is your fridge running?"

Victim: "yes, why?"

Pranker: "well then you better go catch it!"

And then you hang up. So the joke here is that because it was a "running stitch" it was running to catch the fridge.

<ba-dum tsss>

My brother was talking about he has a headache. My mom, a diabetic, thought maybe he needed food. I, an overheated person, thought he needed water. Then he said he's gonna take some Tylenol. Then he said that just talking about it was making it go away. Then my mom said "Maybe it was all in your head."

I turn to her and say “I bet he don’t have the guts to do that again”

Edit: holy shit y’all this blew up. Thank you master dads. I feel worthy

>!They have become merciless!<

It must be viral.

Edit: OMG Thank you for the gold, kind stranger!

When the punchline becomes apparent.

It was cyantifically proven

He was just a tadpole

It’s called “Hear Ye, Hear Ye.”

i see food i eat it

2020, 24 hours to go...

They gave him a tough sentence. He got off better than his accomplice, The semi-colon, who is in between two complete sentences.

He’s Father Les.

Went to visit the in-laws, and as soon as we walk in the door

Mother-in-law: So, JustAPaddy, what are you upto?

Me: Oh, about 6'1"

My father-in-law laughed hard and pats me on the shoulder, we are the only two that laughed... my wife and MIL groaned

You can hear a pin drop, after all.

So I guess 2020 is hindsight

[edit: I'd been waiting to post that!]

I was at an Arabic-themed pop-up bar with some friends last weekend, where all the drinks were named for places and things relating to the Arab world, etc. Everyone's favorite drink was a punch called "Fuck ISIS" (which was delicious), and I said "Wow, a punch named for a current event... I guess one could call it... topical punch."

Ba-dum psh.

Bounty hunters

What we have, here, is a failure to excommunicate.

the coffee grounds.

Well, that seals the deal!

It got a good laugh out of me. Photo here for the curious.

My girlfriend and I were driving home with out newborn in the back coming from her parents, and we passed a cemetery with the name "Axe Factory Cemetery". Immediately I had to blurt out "wow I guess they had a lot of axe-idents!" To which I was punched in the shoulder repeatedly

Designated by the letters AH, it is of course the Element of Surprise.

Running.

I will now only drink for bad.

The barber doesn’t just trim the hair around your ears anymore.

The star has stated "In the beginning, it was hard to change my last name. But after some time, there was no hassle"

I won't technically be a dad for another 2 months but it's coming faster than I expected.

Yesterday I went out to eat with my wife and after dinner we contemplated going out for ice cream. As we left the restaurant though a huge storm had blown in and it was crazy windy outside. I decided that we should just go home to avoid the storm and as we drove past a Baskin Robbins my wife made a comment about how empty the store was and I quickly replied with a smile on my face "Everyone must have got wind of the storm."

It was followed by an eye roll by my wife.

Oboy