This occurred to me at 1 am and Iβve never been more proud
π︎ 15
π
︎ Jan 04 2021
Friday was roasting saturday and sunday brutally yet they never occurred a word. Wednesday, being a harmonist, asked them why they stayed mum for which they replied, "because we are weakened in front of you guys".
π︎ 3
π
︎ Aug 14 2020
Detective Johnson and detective Smith were investigating a murder that occurred next to a playground. The only witnesses to the murder were four children, a brother age 3 and sister age 4, and a different brother (age 7) and sister (age 8).
The children all lived in a nearby apartment complex. The younger siblings lived in apartment 8D and the older ones lived in apartment 9D. Detective Johnson advised Detective Smith that she probably shouldnβt bother question 8Dβs children about what they saw, since theyβre too young to have a reliable memory. He believed that Smith would have a better chance of getting good information from the older children, since only 9Dβs kids will remember.
π︎ 386
π
︎ Sep 04 2019
After aimlessly walking around the gym for an hour, something occurred to me.
This isnβt working out.
π︎ 28
π
︎ Jun 05 2019
Police are investigating a string of homicides which have occurred over the last two weeks. The victims have identified as Cap'n Crunch, Toucan Sam, Tony the Tiger, and the latest victim, Lucky the Leprechaun.
They are looking for a cereal killer.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Feb 12 2019
According to a new report, adverse side effects from Botox injections occurred in a large number of people last year
None of them seemed surprised
π︎ 16
π
︎ Nov 25 2018
My husband got my daughter today. Eye rolling occurred...
Eating at IHOP
Daughter: "What is sugar substitute?"
Dad: "You use that when sugar calls in sick."
π︎ 20
π
︎ Jun 21 2016
A massacre occurred one day in the town hall....
Everybody wearing Polo, Nike, Ralph Lauren, ect. was killed. After the cops came the they found one survivor and asked him " How'd you survive son?"
"I was wearing under-armor" he replied.
π︎ 7
π
︎ Mar 05 2016
I am ashamed to admit the following occurred during project management training today:
We had begun a section on 'change management', and to prove his point, the facilitator challenged us to try to name one thing that does not involve change.
I proudly shouted out "A CREDIT CARD!"
He looks at me and asks, "A... credit card?"
I reply, "Yes. There is no change when paying with a credit card..."
π︎ 37
π
︎ Apr 01 2016
How often do pirate attacks occur?
π︎ 2k
π
︎ Feb 02 2021
What did the blonde do when she found out most accidents occur within 20 miles of the home?
π︎ 6
π
︎ May 15 2021
There's an ongoing armed seige occurring at at the zoo...
The gunmen have taken a number of ostriches.
π︎ 8
π
︎ May 17 2021
I saw pretty bad mudslide begin to occur...
...it went downhill from there.
π︎ 18
π
︎ May 11 2021
I just read most auto accidents occur within 3 miles from home.
Thatβs it weβre moving!
π︎ 9
π
︎ Dec 18 2020
Whats the worst crime to occur at a fish market?
π︎ 5
π
︎ Dec 15 2020
It occurs to me at this stage the election has become sexist.
All I see are male in ballots.
π︎ 6
π
︎ Nov 05 2020
My wife is upset with me...
All I said was, "Hi coming, I'm Dad!"
π︎ 23
π
︎ Dec 02 2020
What do you call someone who saw a crime occur at an Apple Store?
π︎ 112
π
︎ Dec 29 2018
As a US citizen, seeing all of these trade wars occuring with our country has me tarrified.
π︎ 38
π
︎ Jun 30 2018
A river was depressed and jumped off a cliff. After years of this occurring I asked....
π︎ 4
π
︎ May 11 2019
Some people donβt like all the attention that occurs when you combine the spellings of 3 with 5 to create both a fake word/number.
But personally, I thrive on it.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Nov 24 2018
Scientists have discovered a giant naturally occuring windmill
They say it's Mother nature's biggest fan.
π︎ 90
π
︎ Feb 13 2018
What occurs when you combine images of plants together?
π︎ 17
π
︎ Jan 04 2019
An actual headline in Bloomberg news this morning:
"Saudi Arabia Oil Fears Look Well Founded."
I love it when these things occur in nature!
π︎ 8
π
︎ Jan 31 2021
The Doors, in 1966, heard the news about Buddhist monks performing acts of self immolation. After listening to what was occurring, they decided to make a heartfelt song to express their solidarity with the Buddhist plight.
And thatβs why we have a song called βLight my Friarβ.
π︎ 8
π
︎ Jan 24 2019
What Jewish light phenomenon occurs in the northern sky?
π︎ 9
π
︎ Dec 03 2018
A man walks into a bar with a chunk of asphalt under his arm.
The man says "One whiskey for me and one for the road"
π︎ 10
π
︎ Oct 07 2020
Did you hear about the guy that got pecked to death by a chicken?
It was a murder most fowl
π︎ 7
π
︎ May 22 2020
Laughing at a fart joke, a thought occurs to me...
The reek shall inherit the mirth!
π︎ 13
π
︎ Aug 19 2012
I asked my dad when most airplane accidents occur and he said...
When they hit the ground
Edit: I also told him that when we are in the air it feels like swimming and he said that that is exactly how the Malaysian flight felt
π︎ 11
π
︎ Apr 14 2014
Chess Pun
Did it ever occur to Magnus Carlsen that he could be eliminated from his own chess tournament?
Norway!
π︎ 4
π
︎ May 30 2020
Brand new protein powder, not even filled half whey
π︎ 12
π
︎ Mar 20 2019
Microsoft
π︎ 652
π
︎ Jan 23 2014
My 17yo niece fell victim to my 32yo dad/uncle humor.
So my mom, my oldest sister, and her daughter where at mine and my wifeβs house for the weekend.
After having all the lights out so my wife and niece could play with a Ouija board, my niece wanted to make a cup of hot cocoa in the kitchen but she could find the light switch. The following exchange occurred...
Niece: Where is the light in the kitchen?
Me: On the ceiling.
Niece: Ok, but how do you turn it on?
Me: With a light switch.
Niece: Where is the light switch?
Me: On the wall.
Niece: Which wall?
Me: The one with the switch.
Sheβs a good sport tho. We where laughing, she was grinning but definitely done with my uncle shit.
π︎ 14
π
︎ Feb 02 2020
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