Scientists have discovered that, on occasion, an octopus will "punch" a fish for no reason other than spite

That's called Toxic Molluskulinity.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/NAtionalniHIlist
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2021
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Even Ferdinand Feghoot could be outpunned on occasion – but he always rose to the challenge.

There was, for instance, the time he conducted a crew of new S.A.R.H. (Society for the Aesthetic Rearrangement of History -BJ) recruits – all from late twentieth-century Terra – on a training study of Carter’s World, a newly established agricultural colony attempting to support itself by the export of edible nuts. Barely into their second generation, and having yet to show a profit, the colonists were technologically backward. Nevertheless, they showed a surprising ingenuity in the use of their few advantages. It was this resourcefulness that Feghoot was demonstrating to his rookies.

β€œLook at the perfection with which these streets are graded”, exclaimed one student. β€œEarth-moving machinery on this scale is strictly high technology stuff. How can they do it?”

β€œA new alleyway is being constructed, nearby”, said Feghoot. β€œLet us walk that way while I explain.” As they strolled, he told his students that countless centuries before, the Carter’s World system had been inhabited by a now-vanished race of giants. This very planet had served them for a nursery, and among the many artifacts they had left were thousands of childrens blocks, immense and precision-cut. You simply jack one up onto logs, bring it where you want it, put collapsible jacks underneath, snake out the logs, spread soil more or less evenly beneath, and collapse the jacks.

β€œI see”, said the student. β€œIt’s not graded road at all; its a simple hammered-earth base.”

β€œThat’s right,” Feghoot went on smoothly. β€œYou just hit the road jack and don’t come back no mo.”

His students registered dismay and anguish.

β€œIsn’t that right, old-timer?,” Feghoot demanded of an ancient Carterian standing by the mouth of the newly completed alley they had just reached.

β€œAhm afraid not, suh”, said the senior citizen, and the students giggled at Feghoots discomfiture. β€œOh, we used to do it that way, but it was far too much trouble. It’s the soil heah. You see, the very same soil which produced our famous cashews is so high in clay content that a child could roll out a road of it. Then, we simply use a system of lenses to bake it into hardness. Ahve just completed this alley mahself, and ahm just a retired professor of Sports History, much too old and feeble to handle hydraulic jacks.

β€œSo you see,” he finished, eyes twinkling, β€œMah hammered alley is really cashews clay.”

Howls of agony rose from the students, but Feghoot never hesitated. β€œAnd he”, he said, turning to his students, β€œis clearly the gradi

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/nomnommish
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2021
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In honor of the occasion. What do you call witches who live together?

Broommates

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rare_Breed721
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2020
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Migratory birds can be fascinating. You often see them fly in "V" formation across the sky. On occasion you see that one side is longer than the other. It's a simple scientific explanation really.

There just happens to be more birds on that side.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mrscottib23
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2020
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Too good of an occasion to pass
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dinus-pl
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2020
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My wife and I like to listen to Sonny Bono's singing partner on special occasions.

It's time we Cher together.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2019
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If you're struggling to think of what to get someone for Christmas (or any other special occasion)

Get them a fridge and watch their face light up when they open it

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GamingGod07770
πŸ“…︎ May 05 2019
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My brother and I inherited a watch from my grandfather, which we take turns wearing on special occasions.

It's a time share.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2019
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Celebrated singer Barry White usually did not pay his restaurant bill - when the time came, he offered to perform for the room, and most of the time the offer was accepted. On those occasions he never failed to sing his famous hit

"Let the music PAY"

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πŸ“…︎ Mar 13 2019
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Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2017
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Just noticed I've been on Reddit for 5 years but writing a dad joke for the occasion was really easy.

It was a piece of cake.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/edhere
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2017
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β€ͺThe Winter Olympics are momentous occasion.‬

So many obstacles to overcome just to have gotten where they've gotten.‬ It's a slippery slope but they always seem to manage their way back up to the top. Seasoned professionals!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kopextacy
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2017
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My Dad's special occasion joke.

Whilst I really enjoy Dad jokes (why else would I be subscribed here) I cannot endorse this one at all, but every year or two Dad will break this one out at family gatherings, weddings and funerals.

A man was recently fired from his job and needed somewhere to make some money. Fortunately a circus was in town, so he went along to see if they had any vacancies.

When he walked onto the site he saw the main tent and walked in. The ringmaster came up to him and asked what he wanted.

"Can I have a job please?" said the man.

"Well what can you do?" replied the ringmaster.

The man thought about it for a bit before he knew what he was going to do. When it came to him he didn't say another word, but he brought his arms in like this (Dad proceeds to demonstrate by bringing his hand up to his armpits making wings) and started to flap his arms (Oh look, Dad's flapping his arms too).

Not much was happening at first, but slowly you could see his feet rise, ever so slowly off the ground. Eventually the man is a few meters off the ground, flapping his arms, but that's just the beginning.

He then flies to the top of the tent and starts speeding up, flying laps around the tent. He's showing off now, doing loop de loops and diving down. Eventually he feels he's shown his worth and lowers himself down to the ground.

He looks at the ringmaster and says "Well, what do you think?"

The ringmaster looks back and says "Is that all you can do?" (Long pause) "Bird Impressions?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Barabajagala
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2013
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"This and That" otherwise known as my Dads favorite joke. Told at any occasion to family members, friends or complete strangers in the street always followed by a hearty dad laugh. imgur.com/a/EVYXo?gallery
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lordsmish
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2013
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/r/puns appreciates it.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/shampoo_and_dick
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2020
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It's amaizing
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VergenceScatter
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2020
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Coca-Cola is my beverage of choice when I eat lunch

Its very good in that soda occasion

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πŸ‘€︎ u/01134inthere
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2021
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I knead this
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SuspiciousOmelet
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2019
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I can't think of a good flower pun right now...

Thistle have to do.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Apr 07 2020
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I need help

Alright you punny people, I need help. I’m making a cake for a man. It’s his birthday, his wife is having a baby, and it is his last day at his current job. Current job is buying the cake and told me to write something funny including all the occasions. I’m not creative when put on the spot so I have completely drawn a blank on a great pun! Much appreciated!!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/amieability
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2020
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Some students needed help calculating the number of food and drinks they'd need for a party. Their teacher responds...

"What's the equation? (occasion)"

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πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2020
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A good pun is like bread.

It always rises to the occasion.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Geek-Inc
πŸ“…︎ Jun 28 2020
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My dad just got me good.

My husband has been making a lot of pizza lately. He ferments the dough and I have been naming each batch with a pun. The current batch is Yeast Lightning. I texted my dad and asked him to help me think of some new names. He texted back "Just rise to the occasion."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/warmfuzzy22
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2020
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I almost never make steak...

...but when I do it’s a rare occasion.

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2020
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A baker was preparing the dough for a loaf of his famous bread, while his son watched.

He slid the loaf into the oven to bake. He told his son, β€œThis bread is for a very special occasion, so I’m going to make a back-up.” He then plopped an extra loaf’s worth of dough onto the table, sliced it into two equal pieces, and immediately put them away. The boy asked, β€œDad, why’d you do that?” The baker smiled and told his son, β€œIt’s better to halve it and not knead it.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/radioclash86
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2020
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My wife bought me flowers for our anniversary

She really rose to the occasion

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πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2020
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We had schawarma last night.

My daughter said she ate too much and felafel. My son asked which pita was the one Katniss was marrying. I was glad he could rise to the occasion with a bread joke. It was the yeast he could do.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/chargrill
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2019
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My dad went from person to person at the family reunion passing out SIPPs, DIPPs, SIMMs, and DIMMs.

Whe asked about why, he said it seemed like the right occasion for sharing old memories.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BringOutTheGMMP
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2020
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I own only two types of clothesβ€” I wear my gym clothes when I exercise.

For formal occasions, I wear my James clothes.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2019
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In need of Rose puns

For a silent auction for a non-profit I'm helping with they need rose puns/play on words for the packages. It's a wine event as well. Here are some of the ideas I've figured out as well. Whine and Rows? Rose Colored Glasses Rose and Shone

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πŸ‘€︎ u/acer5886
πŸ“…︎ Mar 07 2016
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Dad popped this zinger today

My dad said that if my mother was Jewish, I would have to do anything he said. I asked, "Why?" he then answered with "because you half Jew." (Have too) Comedy gold dad, gold.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/girlwithamohawk
πŸ“…︎ May 05 2014
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My girlfriend wanted to go to a botanical garden in the mountains

I rose to the occasion.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Calthropstu
πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2017
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Had a conversation with my buddy about the Eli movie on Netflix, I think I did it right (Spoiler warning)

Buddy: Wait, so their idea was, "Your son is the devil, we can fix that with a bone marrow transplant and a virus?"

Me: No, I think they were lying about the retrovirus and just putting holy water and stuff into the marrow to exorcise him. That is my guess because they were just nuns, not real doctors.

Buddy: But, when he was freaking out at the end didn't the nurse say, "The gene therapy would have worked, but he was just too strong!"

Me: Oh yeah, maybe they had some of Jesus's DNA. So, instead of the CRISPR gene they use the CHRISTR gene....

I got an eye roll! No kids yet, but at least I know I can rise to the occasion.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/P-Ritch
πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2019
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I was sitting around all night wondering where the sun had gone

when suddenly it dawned on me.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/newfranksinatra
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2015
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[request] my wife will be going into labor soon.

Would you guys be willing to please give me some fantastic puns/dad jokes for the delivery room to make the occasion extra memorable? Thanks in advance.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/supergnaw
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2018
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Buwanna

I recall from my youth, a time of great adventure. My friends and I on safari hunting the Great North-American Man-Eating Female Butt-Ox.

The hunt was difficult and expensive. Once one has been identified as an acceptable specimen you need to slow its wits and dull its decision making process. This is best accomplished with loud music, flashing lights and alcohol. But even then the hunt can be foiled by rushing in to early. If you're successful, you then need to separate it from the pack. This is the trickiest bit as less than ideal pack members will often fight ruthlessly to "protect" your target.

But even the most successful outings are not without risk. On several occasions I found myself entangled in a wrestling match for hours. But there lies the fruit of the hunt...

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πŸ“…︎ May 28 2019
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On a recent boat trip, we got to pet a whale!

It was a happy occasion but I was feeling Blue.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2019
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Grandfather’s ties

My grandfather was a farmer and he loved getting dressed up every year for the local fair and exhibiting his prize chickens.

For this occasion, my grandmother would spend the entire year searching through thrift shops looking for silly neckties for him to wear, and she loved finding ones with chickens on them.

When he died a couple of years ago, he bequeathed them to me in his will. When my grandmother handed me the bag full of them, my eyes welled with tears and I smiled thinking about my grandfather looking in the mirror and straightening his tie.

Why am I telling you all of this back story? Because the last time I tried to tell this to someone and I didn't give context, they thought it was weird that I was so excited about inheriting my dead grandfather's hen tie collection.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kingy7777
πŸ“…︎ Apr 05 2019
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The Bakery (It’s a story)

So I went to a bakery right. I wanted a cake for a friends party. When I asked for a red velvet (his fave) they said they didn’t have any. Well that kinda put me in a sour mood to be honest. One of the bakers pulled me aside and told me he could make one for me. This man really rose to the occasion and saved my day. He even cut the fee (It was the yeast they could do) and I didn’t rye about the wait. I mean if someone is baking you a cake personally I doughnut think you can complain. At the end of the day I got my cake and that was that.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SuperSleepyWulf
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2018
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When you're an entomologist, your girlfriend calls you to save her every time there's a bug in her house

Any time there's an insect in my girlfriend's house she calls me over to handle it, usually to cup it and throw it outside. On this fine occasion I observed what looked like a very small roach (Order: Blattodea), possibly a german roach, the kind that are much less freaky huge but more likely to infest a house. Not wanting to take any chances with a german roach infestation, I immediately smashed the little guy instead of saving him.

My GF asks, "what was it? a roach?"

The body is pretty squished and it's hard to see any identifiable features.

I say, "I'm pretty sure it's a Splattodea"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RobosaurusRex2000
πŸ“…︎ Mar 21 2017
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Every.Damn.Movie.

Sitting in the cinema when the trailers end and the light comes up for a minute before the real movie starts.

Dad: "Well, well what a nice movie, wasn't it? A little short but still..." pretends to stand up and leave

On rare occasions I have seen two dads do the pretending to leave thing at the same fucking time. It's like the universal dadjoke one has to perform at least once before entering the magic league of joking dads.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SUCCESSFUL_DUDE
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2013
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I don't often eat steak, but when I do...

it's a rare occasion.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Propane13
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2018
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So a guy has a head for a son.

The man has a head for a son (Don't ask why) and the father is sad that his son can't do anything with him. He feels down and decides on his 21st birthday to take him to a bar.

He gets his son a drink and his son grow a torso, "Holy shit!" the father couldn't believe it.

He gives him more and more shots until he has a full body, The father than makes a toast for the occasion and they both take another drink, but the son disappears after drinking it.

The father looks to the bartender and asks "What happened to my son!"

The Bartender says "I don't know, but you should have stopped when he was a head."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GunnerLP
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2019
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Why do you only hear Michael Buble during Christmas?

Because you only break out the bubbly for special occasions.

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πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2018
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