my grandfather said this today on the dinner table and i was the only one that found it hilarious for no reason at all
G : what type of apples grow on trees ?
my dumbass : idk red and green ?
G : all of them do
wheezes
π︎ 3k
π
︎ Apr 30 2021
No one will listen to White Snake with me
SO here I go again on my own
π︎ 6k
π
︎ Mar 31 2021
No one likes to listen to whitesnake with me
So here I go again on my own
π︎ 202
π
︎ May 03 2021
No one in Antarctica has Covid-19
Its because they are ICE-O-LATED
π︎ 58
π
︎ May 09 2021
UFO's have been in the news a lot lately but no one seems to care.
Frankly, I think it must be over most people's heads.
π︎ 6
π
︎ May 18 2021
No one could figure out who set the Cathedral of Notre Dame on fire..
... But Quasimodo had a hunch.
π︎ 328
π
︎ Apr 11 2021
Just realized why no one likes my presents.
They always get a bad wrap.
π︎ 9
π
︎ May 19 2021
Why does no one react when the Queen farts?
Because itβs a Noble Gas!
π︎ 19
π
︎ Apr 19 2021
I was standing in line waiting to have my hair cut, when I noticed that no one had started a fire yet.
I thought, "This is a shit barber queue."
π︎ 41
π
︎ Apr 16 2021
No one told me you'd get an allergic reaction if you stood in between Anna Kendrick and Phil Collins
I didn't expect the Anna-Phil-Axis to be so severe.
π︎ 10
π
︎ Apr 29 2021
We have an awesome tire swing at our home and my two year old started to push it, with no one on it, and I noticed he was pushing it harder and harder and I got worried it would come back and hit him
He was playing with tire.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Apr 27 2021
When I post a joke and no one rates...
I just assume they all died from laughter.
π︎ 62
π
︎ Mar 17 2021
One time on a road trip we drove through Iowa and stopped at a farm around harvest time. I tried to speak to the farmer about buying some fresh corn π½ but he had no time for me.
βSorry, mister,β he said. βIβm up to my ears in work.β
π︎ 6
π
︎ Apr 26 2021
No one cares about me - that's why I can't evaporate
π︎ 8
π
︎ Apr 11 2021
No one bird can eat a box or fruit loops...
π︎ 8
π
︎ Apr 11 2021
No one will ever make a successful video game about running a coffee shop.
Gamers would never put up with the amount of grinding required.
π︎ 6
π
︎ Mar 11 2021
Today, on the news, there was an incident in my town where a city bus lost control and landed on top of a house. No one was killed and the city is paying all passengers.
I guess you can say the bus ride was on the house.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Apr 17 2021
A bus carrying tourists headed to see Elvis Presleyβs Graceland has over turned. No one was injured
But they were all shook up.
π︎ 9
π
︎ Apr 07 2021
I have been asking around what the lowest rank in the Army is, but no one would tell me.
Apparently it is private.
π︎ 164
π
︎ Jan 27 2021
No one has had a vinyl bigger than 8 ft.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Mar 31 2021
There were a few irish friends in a pub and one of them was telling a joke about cows but no one laughed.
He should have told a udder joke
π︎ 5
π
︎ Mar 26 2021
No-one laughs when I respond to "How was the gym?" with
"Heavy."
It's like my jokes carry no weight.
π︎ 83
π
︎ Jan 18 2021
Recently, I've been driving my wife crazy with how many friends named Fred I've been making, and they all look the same, no less. That said, one day a man rang our bell, and my wife, relieved that he did not look like my other friends, asked who he was, to which a replied:
"Don't worry, Honey, he's just another Fred of mine."
π︎ 9
π
︎ Mar 15 2021
No one understands me when i say I like to paint peas in a cage.
I donβt what is so hard about it. Iβm a trapped peas artist.
π︎ 7k
π
︎ Jul 15 2020
My 16 year old son was in the kitchen baking up a storm when my wife came downstairs. "What are you doing?" she asked him. "I'm going to have a bake sale to buy a car," he answered. "Where on earth did you get that idea? We're in a pandemic! No one is going to buy baked goods!" He said...
"I heard on Reddit that you need cake to get the car, ma."
π︎ 17k
π
︎ May 06 2020
A tree... In a forest? And no one is around?!
π︎ 4
π
︎ Mar 02 2021
I went to see my psychiatrist and told him that "no one understands me."
He said, "What do you mean by that?"
π︎ 140
π
︎ Nov 20 2020
When no one is around, I would loudly describe the process of cutting down a single tree.
π︎ 13
π
︎ Feb 11 2021
I cant see why I am posting this, no one else will see this post
π︎ 210
π
︎ Oct 18 2020
I ain't no fortunate one
π︎ 1k
π
︎ Aug 04 2020
Did you hear the one about a guy who threw a pork dumpling at his friend for no reason?
π︎ 7
π
︎ Feb 05 2021
No one ?
π︎ 36
π
︎ Dec 10 2020
No one thought I'd ever be good at math proofs
π︎ 3
π
︎ Feb 14 2021
...and no one thought about Nutellock ?!
π︎ 13
π
︎ Oct 31 2020
No one
π︎ 2k
π
︎ May 13 2020
Karl Marx is a historically famous philosopher, but no one mentions his sister
Onya, the inventor of the starting pistol
π︎ 647
π
︎ Jul 24 2020
Why does no one know where the pirate hid their treasure?
π︎ 5
π
︎ Jan 15 2021
No one at my party was able to break the clown piΓ±ata.
π︎ 16
π
︎ Dec 07 2020
No one likes this pandemic. Well, no one apart from Bane..
No one cared who he was until he put on the mask.
π︎ 33
π
︎ Oct 22 2020
How come no one at the kings table laughed when he farted?
Because noble gases don't cause reaction
π︎ 12k
π
︎ Jan 10 2020
Did you know thereβs a law stating no one living within 5 miles of a cemetery can be buried there?
π︎ 2
π
︎ Oct 29 2020
There is no one in here
π︎ 13
π
︎ Nov 27 2020
I've heard so much about the "Eye Of The Tiger", but how come no one talks aboutβ¦
β¦the other four letters?
π︎ 572
π
︎ May 02 2020
No one could figure out who set fire to the Cathedral of Notre Dame.
But Quasimodo had a hunch.
π︎ 66
π
︎ Feb 18 2021
No one in Antarctica has COVID-19
It's because they are ice-o-lated.
π︎ 13k
π
︎ Mar 24 2020
Why does no one in Antarctica have COVID-19?
Because they are ice-o-lated
π︎ 48
π
︎ Sep 10 2020
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