My clothes were having a competition to decide which one is the coolest
An elderly couple is in a church. The wife says to the husband “I’ve let out one of those silent farts, what do I do?”
The husband says “Change the battery in your hearing aid.”
No one will listen to White Snake with me
SO here I go again on my own
One of my daughters wants to marry the mailman...
One way of sticking it to them
Maria gave birth to identical twins, named Amal, and Juan. She only carries one photo.
Because once you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.
What do you call it when one German WWII soldier lies to you, then another, then two lie to you, then three tell you a lie, then five lie to you, then eight, then thirteen....
No one likes to listen to whitesnake with me
So here I go again on my own
Two fish in a tank, one says to the other.....
How do you drive this thing ?
Took my daughter to the zoo and they only had one dog
What did one butt cheek say to the other butt cheek?
Together we can stop this crap!
(My Grandma called me just to tell me this one): Why did the farmer bury a lightbulb?
He wanted to grow a power plant
A little boy ran up to me " please help, my Dad is in a fight " I followed and we came across two men fighting. I said, " Ok, which one is your Dad ? " ..
.. " I dunno, that's what they're fighting about "
The design subreddits didn't care too much for puns, hope you get a chuckle out of this poster I created. The Talon-ted Ones. Coming to a venue near you.
Did you hear about the little boy born without an eye lid? They had to use his foreskin to make one.
The surgery went well, he is just a little cockeyed now.
Despite the popular saying, i decided to put all my eggs in one basket..
.. I just felt silly walking around in the supermarket.
A genie appeared and granted me one wish: I said I wanted to be happy.
Now I live in a cottage with 6 other dwarfs and I work in a mine.
I went to the zoo the other day. There was only one dog in it
As summer approaches, it’s a good idea to use two deodorants, one under each armpit.
But that’s just my two scents.
Never thought cannibalism is so yummy(Another one of the ones that I want to cross post but r/puns bans cross posts)
What did one fish say to the other?
Keep your mouth shut and you'll never get caught.
I asked my daughter if she had taken a bath yet and sarcastically she says yeah, so I tell her to take another one.
I was walking home from work, talking to my husband on the phone. He asked me where I was. I said I passed a garden full of gnomes. He said he knew the one I was talking about.
I said "So it's a well gnome garden".
I laughed harder than he did.
What did one potato say to the other who wanted to prove everyone wrong?
“You sure have a chip on your shoulder”.
As one of the biggest fruit farmers in the country, I owe all of my success to my dear dad. I grew up as a kid who was scared of everything, and my dad always told me to
UFO's have been in the news a lot lately but no one seems to care.
Frankly, I think it must be over most people's heads.
What did one Dorito farmer say to the other?
One day is all I lasted as a Mailman. Turned up on time in my shiny new uniform, was a handed a letter and thought to myself..
One way to sweep it under the rug
a farmer drove his son into the market and dropped him off with $100. he told his son not to buy anything except for a cow. if he couldn't afford a cow, he should use the money to get a taxi home. the son sent pics to his dad all day of the ones he thought were good until his phone died.
he just got the most expensive one he could afford for $99.99. he asked to use the cow vendors phone to call his dad. the vendor replied "sure, for $5". the kid worked out a deal to send one text with one word for one cent. he sent his dad: "comfortable"
Every one wants to know why Bill and Melinda divorced
But sure the Gates won't open up.
One time Chewbacca forgot to release the emergency brake before flying the millennium falcon
I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. “How much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. “Nothing” I slurred. “Look at me!” she shouted. “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?”
I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled, “It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”
Two horses in a field, one says to the other “I’m so hungry, I could eat a horse’
I tried to catch the fog one day
A police officer just came to the door and said he was looking for a man with one eye.
I told him he would probably find him faster he used both.
My 6 year old daughter was listening to music with me and came up with this one: What is a bananas favorite Tom Petty song?
You Dont Know How It Peels
What did one lawyer say to the other laywer?
What's the fastest way to move cattle from one field to another?
One bodybuilder to the other...
What did one banana say to the other banana?
Nothing. Bananas don't talk!
(Freshly minted from an eight year old)
What did one hat say to the other on the hiking trip?
I'll wait here, you go on ahead
One time I accidentally ate horse and it sent me to the ER
Doctor said I was ‘stable’
A group of friends were walking around the beach looking to find a hotel to stay but they were all booked except for one, one of them said:
"Guys, that's our last resort."
A group of physicists came to my restaurant today, ate then explained what the force required to accelerate a mass of one gram at a rate of one centimeter per second squared is. Then when my attention was elsewhere, they all left, leaving behind a bunch of hyphens...
I should have known they'd dyne and dash.
What did one chef say to the other chef while making chicken pot pie?
“I think we’re running out of thyme for this pie”
I was all set to become one of the worlds greatest mountain climbers.
But then I peaked too early.
What did one fish say to the other?
I don't know, I don't speak fish
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