Every summer I get bit by one thousand and twenty four bugs.
My wife told me to get over it cause it was just one byte.
What did the man say when he got asked out by 10 women in one day?
Smaller babies may be delivered by stork but the heavier ones need a crane.
Wow. Today in med school I found out bad stuff is generated by one's hips...
Ancient farmers lived by one rule
I just wanted to show people one of my favorite tweets by SMII7Y (If this is a repost I am sorry)
I'm holding a 17th Century Party, and all the Enlightenment thinkers can swing by - except one.
Today I saw my wife walk by with her sexiest underwear on, which could mean just one thing.
There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting...
He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair."
"What I want you to do..." the man continued. "Is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family's duty to keep this forest strong."
So they did.
Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them.
And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline.
Pretend you are on a raft in the middle of the ocean surrounded by sharks. You only have a one day supply of water and a harpoon. What do you do?
Two tomatoes crossed the street. One got squashed by a car, the other one passed it and said:
Two cowboys walking through the plains, no food or water, death imminent. When through hazy vision one of them spies a tree, covered in bacon by an oasis of pure clean. One cowboy hide behind a rock, as his confused friend runs to the tree... only to be gunned down by some bandits.
The second cowboy is relieved to be alive, and thankful that he knew that that was no bacon tree.
It was a ham bush
This one went by cold with the rest of the chat. Stone-cold.
Yesterday, one of my good friends told me that I often make people feel uncomfortable by violating their personal space.
It was an incredibly hurtful thing to say and it completely ruined our bath.
There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting
/r/Jokes/comments/iya4l4/…
What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do by raising one leg?
My wife accidentally killed one of her plants by over watering...
I told here I guess it wasn't the right Thyme for it.
Yes, it was a Thyme plant.
(My son is too young to understand how great her eye roll was so I need recognition somewhere)
Facebook loved this one by MC-Dino, he hopes Reddit does same...
They say you can identify a tree by its bark, but this one has me stumped.
What was the number one drug prescribed by psychiatrists in 2020?
Enemas, people needed to just let some shit go.
Hi, I'm Poseidon. Just had to share this. I'm so proud of my boy. He's already working on his Christmas cards for this year, and I walked by and noticed what he was writing in each one.
In the future it will be possible to incubate humans in artificial uteri. If you want yours in the one by the window, it will be more expensive.
After all, it always costs more for a womb with a view.
My son wanted some girl advice, so I told him, “If you are intimidated by a date, remember one thing.”
They are just big raisins.
Queue is just one letter followed by four silent letters
They must be waiting for their turn.
There was a herd of cows on this big hill. A big gust of wind came by and blew all the smaller cows away. Puzzled, the rancher went up to one of the bulls that were still standing and asks,"How come you bulls are still standing?" The bull replies...
"Cuz we bulls wobble but we don't fall down."
My jackass husband just hit me with this one. Pretend you are on a boat surrounded by sharks. How do you survive?
Why did the teacher explode when he was corrected by one of his students?
Because he was undermined
What did one ninja say to the other ninja after being shot by a arrow?
I feel like I'm gonna choke a person one of these days by joking at the dinner table
And then get jailed for 12 months just for a man's laughter.
My roommate Esther and I wanted to get a new rug for our apartment, but we didn't have a tape measure. So we had to use Esther's height to guess the approximate dimensions we wanted. We bought a rug one Esther wide by two Esthers long. You could say we...
A Dad walks into a bookstore and says, “ Can I have a book by Shakespeare?” “Of course, sir, which one?”
Good one from my dad: "I can cut wood by just looking at it"
Came up during a conversation about having a bonfire
Dad "Here's something you might not have known about me, I can cut wood by just looking at it"
Me, fully expecting a dad joke: "I don't believe you but would you care to elaborate"
Dad: "Its true! I saw it with my own eyes"
He giggled to himself for about 10 minutes after that one.
Pardon me if I’m squeaking by with an old one.
By one Oprah, get Winfrey
I've only got three albums in my collection. Two by Meatloaf and one by Michael Jackson.
Two out of three ain't Bad
Eastern Europe produces a lot of techno, but it's primarily consumed by just one region:
This one is from by 7 y/o daughter
Ama (grandma): you’re so tall! it looks like your legs grew a foot!
Daughter: Ama! I’ve always had a foot on my legs!
I was served by a one armed waiter once
You’ve got to hand it to him
A cruise ship passes by a remote island, and all the passengers see a bearded man running around and waving his arms wildly. "Captain," one of the passenger asks, "who is that man over there?"
"I have no idea," the captain says, "but he goes nuts every year when we pass him."
One of my ancestors was once hired by Henry VIII to teach his son to play the trumpet
He was a Tudor tooter tutor.
One of us is possessed by an owl
They say when confronted by a bear, the best thing to do is play dead, so when I came face to face with one in the woods the other day, I accidentally played dad instead...
Now it can ride a bike without training wheels...
I got one-upped by my 6 y.o. son
My son made himself a banana sandwich.
Son: "This is what monkeys eat."
I thought I'd mess with him a bit on this "fact", and throw some dad humour at him.
Me: "What?! Monkeys don't eat sandwiches! How do they even bake the bread?"
Son: "With a g'rilla."
I think this kid is going places. I was completely outdone.
What did the man say when he was asked out by ten women in one day?
I just saw my wife walk by with her sexiest underwear on, which can only mean one thing.
I just saw my wife walk by with her sexiest underwear on, which can only mean one thing.
I just saw my wife walk by with her sexiest underwear on, which can only mean one thing.
Pretend you are on a raft in the middle of the ocean surrounded by sharks. You only have a one day supply of water and a harpoon. What do you do?
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