The butchers wife always messes up everyone's orders.
π︎ 10
π
︎ Dec 16 2020
Rope walks into the bar. Bartender says, Sorry we donβt serve ropes here. Rope walks out, messes himself up, ties himself in a knot, and walks back into the bar. Bartender asked if heβs a rope!
Rope replies Iβm a frayed knot.
π︎ 8
π
︎ Dec 06 2020
What does the Mandalorian use to clean up Baby Yoda's messes?
He uses Bounty [a paper towel brand in the US]
I'm very proud--my teenage son just came up with this one, though I see a few variations when searching through past dad jokes.
π︎ 7
π
︎ Sep 19 2020
When quarantine messes up your plans...
π︎ 46
π
︎ May 07 2020
If someone messes up a taxidermy job
Is it still considered a stuff up?
π︎ 3
π
︎ Aug 05 2020
When a baker messes up a recipe
He'll whisk everything to make it right again.
π︎ 14
π
︎ Mar 13 2020
What happens when a man messes with death?
He faces the reaper cussions
π︎ 8
π
︎ Nov 21 2019
Whatβs it called your backpack messes up your spine?
π︎ 4
π
︎ Nov 22 2019
A string walks into a bar with a few friends and orders a beer. The bartender says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve strings here." The string goes back to his table. He ties himself in a loop and messes up the top of his hair. He walks back up to the bar and orders a beer. The bartender squints at hi
π︎ 4
π
︎ Oct 23 2019
What's it called when a butcher messes up?
π︎ 3
π
︎ Jan 30 2018
Aww man. Did you hear that Johnson and Johnson messed up the their vaccine?
Well at least they took a stab at it.
π︎ 6
π
︎ Apr 01 2021
What did the Captain of the Evergreen Cargo ship say when he realised he'd messed up?
π︎ 6
π
︎ Mar 29 2021
My friend and I messing around musically
π︎ 7
π
︎ Feb 28 2021
A mess of puns in here...
π︎ 6
π
︎ Feb 22 2021
My wife is pissed at me. I made hard boiled eggs for breakfast this morning and let our 2 year old help peel them and he made a mess
I have been walking on eggshells ever since.
π︎ 38
π
︎ Feb 01 2021
How many dyslexics does it take to change a light bulb?
π︎ 182
π
︎ Feb 26 2021
Mess with an archaeologist;
π︎ 6
π
︎ Jan 25 2021
This guy told me he was Harry Potterβs godfather. I thought he was messing with me.
He told me he was Sirius.
π︎ 16
π
︎ Dec 19 2020
I got into an argument with someone I thought was a "birds aren't real" supporter. I'm an idiot; they were just messing with me and they made some amazing bird puns along the way that deserve attention. The link to the post is in the comments so you can go give the user karma and see the context.
https://preview.redd.it/n7zvpwxkj6m51.png?width=1280&format=png&auto=webp&s=54f0549ebd3c055929698d6fef3bc05782bf5282
π︎ 16
π
︎ Sep 09 2020
Why should you never mess with Santa?
Because he's got a Black Belt!
π︎ 6
π
︎ Dec 23 2020
Never mess with your wifeβs wine!
I just added fruit and lemonade to my wifeβs and now sheβs sangria than ever before!
π︎ 31
π
︎ Nov 08 2020
Don't mess with Cole's Law!
π︎ 9
π
︎ Oct 10 2020
Justice is a dish best served cold...
If it were served warm it would be justwater.
π︎ 222
π
︎ Feb 09 2021
Mess with the bat you get the gat
π︎ 35
π
︎ May 22 2020
What did the customer say when the stone carver messed up his tombstone?
You've made a grave mistake...
π︎ 2
π
︎ Oct 20 2020
When the optician messed up my appointment...
I didn't look at her the same way again.
π︎ 11
π
︎ Aug 23 2020
Mess with the deer...
π︎ 94
π
︎ Mar 07 2020
What do astronauts do when they mess up?
π︎ 17
π
︎ Jul 16 2020
Restaurant messed up and gave me a garden salad instead of a Caesar salad. When I complained my little girl said,
βDad, any salad can be a Caesar salad. You just have to stab it enough timesβ.
π︎ 4
π
︎ Jul 07 2020
My wife gets mad whenever I mess with her red wine.
So I added fruit and lemonade to it and now she's sangria than ever
π︎ 55
π
︎ May 12 2020
My son keeps all his boogers in a journal. He's up to 143.
I told him "One more and it'll be truly gross"
π︎ 17
π
︎ Jan 19 2021
I was messing around with my wife while we were camping and accidentally lit her hair on fire...
Sheβs not going to divorce me, but she was fuming.
π︎ 11
π
︎ May 05 2020
Punch
What is a boxer's favourite drink?
Punch
π︎ 5
π
︎ Jan 17 2021
I messed up while making a pie
Donβt worry, it was never supposed to be a piece of cake.
π︎ 9
π
︎ Jun 28 2020
The smurf really messed up I guess you could say
π︎ 3
π
︎ Jul 02 2020
Windshield was a mess!
I asked my wife what kind of bird she thought did this.. she said "a doo-doo bird"
π︎ 4
π
︎ May 25 2020
An amateur messed up making cheese. He had no whey to fix it.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Jan 09 2020
I switched the I and O keys on my brother's laptop to confuse him and mess his typing up.
I know, I know, I'm a horrible person, but my brother would say I'm a hirroble persin.
π︎ 8
π
︎ Mar 11 2020
The ghost in my house is always honest when admitting to making a mess
You could say they are very transparent.
π︎ 10
π
︎ May 05 2020
Dont mess with pediatricians.
They have little patients.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Mar 08 2020
When you mess up on the first go but you have a good recovery
π︎ 119
π
︎ Feb 25 2019
Do you make a mess when you poop your pants?
π︎ 3
π
︎ Mar 19 2020
Today I messed up and bought an entire cupboard of beef stock.
But hey, at least Iβm now a boullionnaire
π︎ 22
π
︎ Feb 25 2020
A rope a walks into a bar and the bartender points to a sign, says "Can't you read?! No Ropes allowed". The rope leaves the bar, ties himself into a bow and messes up his hair and walks back in. The bartender says, " ain't you that rope again"?! The rope replies, "Nope, I'm a frayed not"!
π︎ 1k
π
︎ Oct 23 2015
My wife hates it when I mess with her red wine.
I added some fruit and orange juiceβnow sheβs sangria than ever.
π︎ 8k
π
︎ Nov 01 2018
My wife hates it when I mess with her red wine.
Recently I added fruit and lemonade to it and now she's sangria than ever.
π︎ 18
π
︎ May 06 2020
My girlfriend gets mad whenever I mess with her red wine.
So I added some fruit and lemonade to it, and now she sangria than ever.
π︎ 426
π
︎ Jun 28 2019
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