The butchers wife always messes up everyone's orders.

We call her, Miss Steak.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2020
🚨︎ report
Rope walks into the bar. Bartender says, Sorry we don’t serve ropes here. Rope walks out, messes himself up, ties himself in a knot, and walks back into the bar. Bartender asked if he’s a rope!

Rope replies I’m a frayed knot.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FalseBlood8746
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2020
🚨︎ report
What does the Mandalorian use to clean up Baby Yoda's messes?

He uses Bounty [a paper towel brand in the US]

I'm very proud--my teenage son just came up with this one, though I see a few variations when searching through past dad jokes.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tampaillini
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2020
🚨︎ report
When quarantine messes up your plans...
πŸ‘︎ 46
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cREDBARON
πŸ“…︎ May 07 2020
🚨︎ report
If someone messes up a taxidermy job

Is it still considered a stuff up?

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/alliswellinnz
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2020
🚨︎ report
When a baker messes up a recipe

He'll whisk everything to make it right again.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NThruThe0utdoor
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13 2020
🚨︎ report
What happens when a man messes with death?

He faces the reaper cussions

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2019
🚨︎ report
What’s it called your backpack messes up your spine?

Schooliosis !

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gan2004
πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2019
🚨︎ report
A string walks into a bar with a few friends and orders a beer. The bartender says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve strings here." The string goes back to his table. He ties himself in a loop and messes up the top of his hair. He walks back up to the bar and orders a beer. The bartender squints at hi
πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ruchi565
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2019
🚨︎ report
What's it called when a butcher messes up?

A mi-steak

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Life_in_Bones
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2018
🚨︎ report
Aww man. Did you hear that Johnson and Johnson messed up the their vaccine?

Well at least they took a stab at it.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gherkinstein
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2021
🚨︎ report
Dude on CoD says to kid: β€œStop messing with the blinds.”

Me: β€œBut dude, they can’t even see him coming.”

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/zomida
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21 2021
🚨︎ report
What did the Captain of the Evergreen Cargo ship say when he realised he'd messed up?

Damn!

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/D3ltaforc3
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2021
🚨︎ report
My friend and I messing around musically
πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CharmingGlove6356
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2021
🚨︎ report
A mess of puns in here...
πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GenghisKhanX
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2021
🚨︎ report
My wife is pissed at me. I made hard boiled eggs for breakfast this morning and let our 2 year old help peel them and he made a mess

I have been walking on eggshells ever since.

πŸ‘︎ 35
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MehWebDev
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2021
🚨︎ report
How many dyslexics does it take to change a light bulb?

Steven.

πŸ‘︎ 178
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2021
🚨︎ report
Mess with an archaeologist;

And you're history.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sememva
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2021
🚨︎ report
This guy told me he was Harry Potter’s godfather. I thought he was messing with me.

He told me he was Sirius.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Humidittities
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2020
🚨︎ report
I got into an argument with someone I thought was a "birds aren't real" supporter. I'm an idiot; they were just messing with me and they made some amazing bird puns along the way that deserve attention. The link to the post is in the comments so you can go give the user karma and see the context.

https://preview.redd.it/n7zvpwxkj6m51.png?width=1280&format=png&auto=webp&s=54f0549ebd3c055929698d6fef3bc05782bf5282

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RedLeader11037
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2020
🚨︎ report
Why should you never mess with Santa?

Because he's got a Black Belt!

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2020
🚨︎ report
Never mess with your wife’s wine!

I just added fruit and lemonade to my wife’s and now she’s sangria than ever before!

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/the_houser
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2020
🚨︎ report
Don't mess with Cole's Law!
πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/alphadragoon89
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2020
🚨︎ report
Mess with the bat you get the gat
πŸ‘︎ 32
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πŸ‘€︎ u/catchingfire3HG
πŸ“…︎ May 22 2020
🚨︎ report
Justice is a dish best served cold...

If it were served warm it would be justwater.

πŸ‘︎ 218
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tinnber
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2021
🚨︎ report
When the optician messed up my appointment...

I didn't look at her the same way again.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the customer say when the stone carver messed up his tombstone?

You've made a grave mistake...

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dinner_cat96
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2020
🚨︎ report
Mess with the deer...
πŸ‘︎ 95
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πŸ‘€︎ u/schiller_27
πŸ“…︎ Mar 07 2020
🚨︎ report
What do astronauts do when they mess up?

They Apollo-gize!

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/peach_problems
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife gets mad whenever I mess with her red wine.

So I added fruit and lemonade to it and now she's sangria than ever

πŸ‘︎ 55
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2020
🚨︎ report
Restaurant messed up and gave me a garden salad instead of a Caesar salad. When I complained my little girl said,

β€œDad, any salad can be a Caesar salad. You just have to stab it enough times”.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/loonmaster2
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you get when you cross a puzzle with another puzzle?

A mess

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Multi_Pass
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2021
🚨︎ report
I was messing around with my wife while we were camping and accidentally lit her hair on fire...

She’s not going to divorce me, but she was fuming.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KingmanEXE
πŸ“…︎ May 05 2020
🚨︎ report
My son keeps all his boogers in a journal. He's up to 143.

I told him "One more and it'll be truly gross"

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/capnfatpants
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2021
🚨︎ report
I messed up while making a pie

Don’t worry, it was never supposed to be a piece of cake.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OfficialPickle734
πŸ“…︎ Jun 28 2020
🚨︎ report
The smurf really messed up I guess you could say

he blue it

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jul 02 2020
🚨︎ report
Windshield was a mess!

I asked my wife what kind of bird she thought did this.. she said "a doo-doo bird"

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/75trombones
πŸ“…︎ May 25 2020
🚨︎ report
Punch

What is a boxer's favourite drink?

Punch

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/H-memer
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2021
🚨︎ report
An amateur messed up making cheese. He had no whey to fix it.
πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/coffinedude
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2020
🚨︎ report
I switched the I and O keys on my brother's laptop to confuse him and mess his typing up.

I know, I know, I'm a horrible person, but my brother would say I'm a hirroble persin.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/InfinateUniverse
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2020
🚨︎ report
If you're messing with Kobe Bryant.... Does that mean you've got some "kobe beef"

No offence to any fans...or followers.....it's in his tribute... I just wish someone else was on that chopper... Sorry if it offended you guys

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/__black_star__
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2020
🚨︎ report
The ghost in my house is always honest when admitting to making a mess

You could say they are very transparent.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ May 05 2020
🚨︎ report
When you mess up on the first go but you have a good recovery
πŸ‘︎ 114
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πŸ‘€︎ u/irbinator
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2019
🚨︎ report
Dont mess with pediatricians.

They have little patients.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thepootastrophy
πŸ“…︎ Mar 08 2020
🚨︎ report
A rope a walks into a bar and the bartender points to a sign, says "Can't you read?! No Ropes allowed". The rope leaves the bar, ties himself into a bow and messes up his hair and walks back in. The bartender says, " ain't you that rope again"?! The rope replies, "Nope, I'm a frayed not"!
πŸ‘︎ 1k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/goodboyBill
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2015
🚨︎ report
My wife hates it when I mess with her red wine.

I added some fruit and orange juiceβ€”now she’s sangria than ever.

πŸ‘︎ 8k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2018
🚨︎ report
My wife hates it when I mess with her red wine.

Recently I added fruit and lemonade to it and now she's sangria than ever.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/drozzi007
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2020
🚨︎ report
My girlfriend gets mad whenever I mess with her red wine.

So I added some fruit and lemonade to it, and now she sangria than ever.

πŸ‘︎ 423
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Jun 28 2019
🚨︎ report

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