What do you call two pigs mating?
I was really excited when my wife bought me a book for my birthday called “69 Mating Positions”.
Turns out it’s about Chess strategies.
An alternative... was that A'Tuin was crawling from the Birthplace to the Time of Mating. When they arrived they would briefly and passionately mate, for the first and only time, and from that fiery union new turtles would be born to carry a new pattern of worlds.
This was known as the Big Bang hypothesis.
Joke by Terry Pratchett, ‘The Colour of Magic’, Prologue.
Chinese synthesize new element which causes a 500% increase rate of panda mating
How does a killer whale end its mating session?
What do you call two goldfish mating?
My mate broke his leg, so I wrote "You are stupid" on his cast.
I was just adding insult to injury.
Mate died today by falling into a vat of coffee!
My brother was pissed when he saw I mated his wife
He bet $100 I would lose that chess match.
I was trying to think of something funny to say about the last time I went to the pub with my mates...
But all I can think of are inn-jokes.
Mate's butler
My mate as a butler who lost his left arm in prank gone wrong.
Serves him right.
My mates and I are in a band called "Duvet".
I stole some kitchen appliances from my mate...
It was dangerous but worth the whisk
What is it called when a Samsung and an Apple mate?
A sample
(Actual joke from my Dad)
My mates got cross with me for going on and on about how fun it is to drive stick. They suggested changing the subject.
I told them that I would shift as best I could...
Millipedes are very picky when choosing a mate.
They'll never date anyone under 7 feet.
Mate: Aye, the cannons be ready, Cap'n!
Captain: *are
Text adaptation of this
I wish this was my joke.
I thought that I finally met my sowl mate...
But she said I was too boar-ing.
Naah mate, just my pHocus is changed now
My mate has just seen the Chernobyl documentary...
He actually grew up in Ukraine in the 1980’s and was able to count at least 8 historical inaccuracies on one hand.
My mate told me he is in love with two school bags
When I told my mate I was going deaf, he asked, “what are the symptoms?”
I said, “they’re a yellow cartoon family with Homer, Marge, Bart, Lisa and Maggie”
The main purpose of the call-response hooting that many owls engage in is to find and attract a potential mate.
My mate tried to tell me Mufasa was a Hyena...
My mate Iain...
My mate Iain has one eye bigger than the other.
Why can’t Harry Potter tell the difference between his cooking pot and his best mate?
I come up with a really lame two word gay joke the other day that i was afraid my gay mate might find offensive
How do people actually make new mates as an adult?
Mate was feeling down so I told him there's a positive and negative to everything, you just gotta find it...
Poor fella can't even put batteries in right....
My mate says I'm getting fat, but in my defence...
I’ve had a lot on my plate recently.
My mate had a combined Burns Night and Chinese New Year party he called Chinese Burns Night
I wasn't going to go, but he twisted my arm
Who's the genius that decided to call it "Emotional baggage ".....
.....and not "griefcase."
My mate hates it when....
My mate hates it when I put his chocolate bars into different wrappers...
It's gets his Snickers in a Twix
I saw my mate earlier in town. He only has one arm.
"Where are you off to?" I shouted.
"To change a light bulb" he said.
"Erm, isn't that going to be difficult?" I said.
"Naah", he said. "I still have the receipt."
My mates were thinking of alternative names for shampoo.
How do prisoners talk to each other
A guy says he taught his dog Morse code. "Aye right Show me." Mate says. Guy turns to dog and asks "who's been a good boy then?" Dog uses paw on ground. Tap tap pause tap long pause tap pause tap pause tap long pause tap pause tap pause tap long pause tap tap tap pause tap. "what he say?" Mate asks
My mate tiled my roof for me.
When I asked him how much I owed him, he said, "Don't worry. It's on the house."
My mate David had his ID stolen...
Not to brag, but yesterday I beat our local chess champion in less than 5 moves.
Finally my high school Karate lessons came to some use.
I'll never forget the day I first met my wife. We were at a fancy dress party and she was stood there, looking gorgeous and slim, with her fat mate...
They'd gone together dressed as the number 10...
I knew there and then that she was the One!!
Why do monkeys always share Amazon accounts?
Because they are Prime mates.
... Sorry.
Do Australians really say mate that often?
My mate composes songs about sewing machines.
He's a Singer songwriter, sew it seams.
I said to my mate, "I can't stop buying Beatles records..
He said "You need help."
"I've got that one." I replied.
Womb-mates is an acceptable term for twins
How did the moose pick his next mate?
A quick game of fuck, fuck, moose.
While sailing across the ocean, the night watchman saw a dark shape in the distance. He called the First Mate, who also couldn't tell what it was. So he called the Captain. "I can't tell either," he said. "Fetch me an obstetrician."
The obstetrician came to the bridge, squinted into the night and said:
"Congratulations, Captain. It's a buoy!"
My Caribbean mate never seems too bothered when we arrange to meet up;
I think he might be from the 'K Man' islands
Mate: where you getting all these jokes from?
Me: Reddit
Mate: I know you read it, but where?
Harry Potter can't tell the difference between his cooking pot and his best mate.
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