I changed the computer background to a lizard.

Now it’s a Monitor.

πŸ‘︎ 32
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PugTastic6547
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06
🚨︎ report
What do you call a lizard that farms whale food?

A cold-blooded kriller!

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DripSquirt
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25
🚨︎ report
At my school, there's a large lizard that wanders the halls all day.

It's a hall monitor.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/huuhhhh
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04
🚨︎ report
Do you think lizard people...

are on Santa's Illuminati list?

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lukesestir
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27
🚨︎ report
What do you call when you come across a lizard and a parrot?

A walkie-talkie

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Chooch182
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14
🚨︎ report
Where do lizards go to fix their fallen tails?

The retail shop

πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/foxtailavenger
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2019
🚨︎ report
Wife: Oh my god why have you got that huge lizard?

Husband: You said we needed a baby monitor!!

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ball-_-fondler
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you get when two lizards can’t mate?

A reptile dysfunction.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/M0rM1lk
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2020
🚨︎ report
I got a new pet lizard, I named him Tiny....

because he’s my newt.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sarafina_312
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Why couldn't a lizard have sex?

He had a reptile disfunction.

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mcbolbo
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2020
🚨︎ report
What does a lizard smoke?

Mariguana

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/communismal
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a rap battle between two lizards? A reptile diss function
πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AMswag123
πŸ“…︎ Jun 05 2020
🚨︎ report
Where does a lizard go when it loses its tail ?

A re-tail store

πŸ‘︎ 59
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2020
🚨︎ report
Give some love to monitor lizards plz
πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Liquid_Caesium
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2020
🚨︎ report
There are 4 lizards chilling in the ceiling, one of them did a back flip. How many are left in the ceiling?

None, as the rest clapped and cheered.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jumpman707
πŸ“…︎ Jul 02 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a respectable color changing lizard?

A stand-up chameleon.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Naitraen
πŸ“…︎ May 15 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the zookeeper say when they discovered how bad the lizards smelled?

"Whew, what a skink!"

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call it when your lizard stops working?

A reptile disfunction.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JDDDouble
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2020
🚨︎ report
How do you turn a snake into a legless lizard?

Give it an antihisstamine

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LandoCOWrisian
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2020
🚨︎ report
Domesticated lizard
πŸ‘︎ 88
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dabbingdisaster
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife took a vacation day to carry her pet lizard around town in her handbag...

It's a purse anole day for her.

Credit: Brevity by Dan Thompson for May 02, 2020

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2020
🚨︎ report
"It's getting late, put the lizard back in the tank." imgur.com/AHcg3vW
πŸ‘︎ 115
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πŸ‘€︎ u/slamsen
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2018
🚨︎ report
You know those birds and lizards that eat the decaying corpses of other animals?

Sorry, I shouldn't carrion about it.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LthlPnc
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you get when you give five doses of valium to a lizard?

A calmer calmer calmer calmer calmer chameleon.

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Middlerun
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2017
🚨︎ report
What do you call a lizard that can't get an erection

A reptile dysfunction.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PYRO_OR_LARGE
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2019
🚨︎ report
I heard Congress was overrun with tiny lizards last week.

Turned out it was Fake Newts.

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hoozin
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2019
🚨︎ report
How do Lizards judge an egg?

They use Scales

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Iccotak
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2020
🚨︎ report
Which prehistoric lizard was the ugliest?

The Eyesaur

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2019
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What do you call a lizard on drugs?

A Mariguana.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/_B0b4_F3tt_
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2019
🚨︎ report
Why did the lizard cross the road?

To see his flat mate

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mozzatits
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2019
🚨︎ report
I saw a lizard with angry red skin. It then turned orange! Then it turned yellow. Then green. Then blue. Then indigo, until it finally became a relaxing shade of violet.

Calmer, calmer, calmer, calmer, calmer chameleon.

πŸ‘︎ 75
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheAnagramancer
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2018
🚨︎ report
I had to get my pet lizard some Valium as he's been a bit stressed out lately.

Now he's a calmer calmer calmer calmer calmer chameleon.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kaythor85
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2019
🚨︎ report
One time I noticed a lizard stealing a meal from a very hungry frog

And I thought to myself, "What a cold blooded thing to do!"

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/alexd281
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2019
🚨︎ report
My kids are so obsessed with the lizard from the movie Tangled, we have over a thousand figures of it around the house...

Let me tell you keeping track of a kilo of Pascals is a lot of pressure

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mfitzy87
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2019
🚨︎ report
I was walking in the jungle and saw a lizard on his hind legs telling some really excellent jokes. I turned to the local tribesman and said "that lizard is really funny!" The tribesman replied "that's not a lizard... he's a stand up chameleon"
πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/johnster1991
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a handicapped lizard?

A ReptileDysfunction

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LilCuntBoyXD
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a dead lizard?

A Die-nosaur

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Chanzy94
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you drink while watching the lizards that live in the middle of tennis courts race their cars over rough terrain?

Net newt rally tea

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thkoog
πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2017
🚨︎ report
What do you call a lizard with headphones?

Anything, it can’t hear you.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pipettethis
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2019
🚨︎ report
I had a guy try to tell me stuff to lubricate my pet lizard

Turns out it was just snake oil

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Imperial_Squid
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call lizard that throws trash on the ground?

A litigator

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hotsprings1234
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a lizard that repeats itself?

A Gecho

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OliTheGreat101
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2018
🚨︎ report
What device do you weigh lizards with?

A scale.

πŸ‘︎ 28
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2019
🚨︎ report
My friends son asked me if I know how to speak lizard

I told him β€œI don’t. But i guana learn someday”

πŸ‘︎ 30
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nakedurlrobot
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2019
🚨︎ report
Why did the broken lizard take viagra?

He had reptile dysfunction.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/asianprivelege
πŸ“…︎ Apr 13 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a lizard with a million dollars?

A chamillionaire

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/NickWilde992
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2019
🚨︎ report
Where do lizards go when their tails come off?

The retail store

πŸ‘︎ 23
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Twunts
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2020
🚨︎ report
Where does a lizard go when it loses its tail?

The re-tail store

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a stoned lizard?

Mariguana.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/bcmx25
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2018
🚨︎ report

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