Wife and I picked up our 8 year old son after a school field trip to a pumpkin farm. Son takes it to the next level. Wife about leaped out of the car...

Me: What did they have at the farm?

Son: Pumpkins and gourds.

Me: Did you get to pick one out to take home?

Son: I got a gourd because it looked cool. /shows us multi colored, striped gourd

Me: Gourd for you!

Son: /slightly confused... Yes, I got this gourd.

Me: So... would you say you had a ... gourd time?

Wife: /groans

Son: Ya, I had a gourd time.

Wife: /groans again.

Wife: Really?!

Me: He gets these jokes now. He's all... gourd up now.

Wife: STOP!

Son: Oh, gourd!

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/shifty21
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2014
🚨︎ report
There's not just leap years. A leap second is a one-second adjustment that is occasionally applied to Coordinated Universal Time (UTC)! Without it, GPS wouldn't work! Want me to really blow your mind?

There's also leap-frogs.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/billbixbyakahulk
πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2020
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I can’t believe it’s not...
πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2020
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A man leaps into the Doctor's office, flashlight in his mouth, both hands behind his back, screaming "It's the mawkew! Oh God the Mawkew!!...

...I fell on my awt supplies and it went stwaight up my wectum"

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ahughman
πŸ“…︎ May 25 2020
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Today is a leap day.

I guess I should jump with joy.

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DoomRulz
πŸ“…︎ Feb 29 2020
🚨︎ report
Falling in love I beautiful
πŸ‘︎ 110
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πŸ‘€︎ u/declandrury
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2020
🚨︎ report
Where do most people eat out on leap day?

IHOP...

πŸ‘︎ 35
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tanner_Banner
πŸ“…︎ Feb 29 2020
🚨︎ report
Why do frogs hate leap years

Cause they have to jump for so long

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Vico__Staps
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2020
🚨︎ report
Talking with my brother: β€œHey remember when we would see how far we could jump off the staircase?”

β€œThat just sounds like leaping off ledges with extra steps”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ovrlymm
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2020
🚨︎ report
This story is about a man called Trevor, and his obsession with tractors.

Trevor loved tractors. And I mean, really loved tractors. Forget any obsessions or high-level interests you may have, chances are they pale in the face of Trevor’s love for tractors.

Every day Trevor would get up, in his tractor-themed bedroom in his tractor-themed house, with its tractor-themed wallpaper and tractor-themed carpets, and he would make his bed with its tractor-themed duvet and tractor-themed sheets. He would go downstairs in his tractor-themed pajamas into his tractor-themed kitchen, with its tractor-themed tiles and cupboards, and he would eat his breakfast while perusing the latest tractor-themed magazine or annual.

Trevors’s degree in Agricultural Engineering hung on his living room wall, along with a copy of his thesis, which centred around (you guessed it) tractors. The living room was decorated with all sorts of tractor-related trinkets, including die-cast models, paintings and drawings.

The hedges in Trevor’s front garden were trimmed in the shape of tractors. His lawn was vividly decorated with tractor-driving garden gnomes, and his garden furniture was constructed from various parts from vintage tractor designs.

Trevor just had one thing missing from his otherwise tractor-centric life; he had never actually owned, nor driven, a real tractor.

Not for his lack of trying, of course. Trevor had been to many tractor shows over the years, and visited many farms with friends of his, but none of the tractors he had seen had ever been quite right. Trevor was so knowledgeable about tractors that every single one he had come across had possessed some hidden trait that he wasn’t keen on. His first experience of driving a real tractor had to be perfect.

One day, Trevor was flicking through one of his favourite publications, Powertrain Quarterly, when there was a knock at the door. Trevor answered, and it was his friend and fellow tractor enthusiast, Jeff.

Trevor welcomed Jeff in, and over tea and crumpets served on tractor-themed crockery, they discussed the merits of aluminium drawbars and front-end loaders. Eventually Trevor pressed Jeff to explain the reason for his visit.

β€œWell” said Jeff, β€œAs I’m sure you know the convention comes to town later”.

The convention. Trevor had been thinking of little else the past three weeks. The neighbouring town annually threw a convention for farmers, particularly farmyard machinery. There would be combine harvesters, lawnmowers, and of course, tractors.

β€œYes of course” replied Trevor

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ShredderSte
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
🚨︎ report
What's yellow and leaps from cake to cake?

Tarzipan

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πŸ‘€︎ u/count-buttula
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2018
🚨︎ report
Guess The Pun #42 v.redd.it/exzluh38i5d41
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πŸ‘€︎ u/monarang
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2020
🚨︎ report
A couple of dogs were sitting in the kitchen chewing the fat. First dog says, β€œI heard a good joke today.” Second dog replies, β€œGo on then.” First dog continues, β€œKnock Kno..."

Second dog leaps up and goes berserk...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/youthfulcomrade
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2020
🚨︎ report
Brilliant comment
πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pikapoleon
πŸ“…︎ Mar 08 2019
🚨︎ report
What happens when a cow leaps over a barbed wire fence?

Utter destruction...

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FLHT2000
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2017
🚨︎ report
My girlfriend dumped me. When she found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline...

...she hit the roof!

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/_otterinabox
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2018
🚨︎ report
What kind of music do rabbits like?

Hip hop

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Baybonski
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2018
🚨︎ report
Leap day dadjoke

I'm out of bed earler than usual. Wife comes in and we discuss why. She walks away to get ready for work

me "are you gonna make me breakfast?"

> Pfffft. It's leap day, not jump-to-conclusions day.

Anyone else got any once-every-four-years dad jokes? I just wanna wear em out tonight after everyone gets home.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/monsto
πŸ“…︎ Feb 29 2016
🚨︎ report
How did the religious man cross the raging river?

He took a leap of faith!

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Amphaboss
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2020
🚨︎ report
Looking for space puns!

My fiance and I are getting married at Kennedy Space Center. We're looking for a good space + love/wedding pun for our website. Written in the Stars is too cheesy. We're leaning toward "One Giant Leap". Any other suggestions?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MeggyGrex
πŸ“…︎ Sep 15 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call it when a Goodyear tire turns into a frog?

Leap year

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RayInRed
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2020
🚨︎ report
Have you heard about these new corduroy pillows?

They're making headlines

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/orleansville
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2016
🚨︎ report
Eye dew knot gnaw watt two dew

Eats too inn the mourning end eye veal lyke ass leap

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/daunfifi123c456b
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2019
🚨︎ report
When the parachute failed I became deeply aware of the gravity of my situation.
πŸ‘︎ 129
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gargolito
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2016
🚨︎ report
Two friends Bob and Frank are lost in the jungle when they are surrounded by a group of blood thirsty cannibals.

They are surrounded by dozens of the fierce blood thirsty warriors armed with clubs and spears. The leader of the warriors approaches the two friends and informs them they are trespassing on sacred land and unless they can prove they are descendants of the Gods they will be killed and eaten.

Bob and Frank realize they have little choice but agree they will attempt any test to try to save their lives.

The chief warrior brings them a bowl full of angry fire ants and drops one small seed into the bowl. He informs them they must put their lips in the bowl and suck as hard as they can. If they manage to suck up only the seed without sucking up an ant then the tribe would know they must be sent from the Gods.

Bob looks wearily at Frank but knowing they have no other options he puts his lips in the bowl and sucks hard. He immediately gets a mouth full of ants and screams in pain as they bite away at the inside of his mouth. Frank now even more nervous takes his turn and to his dismay also receives a nasty mouthful of the viscous buggers.

The warriors leap to their feet and surround the friends, β€œNow you must die” declares the chieftain. Just as the first spear is raised to Franks throat he screams β€œTria-Gan!” The warriors stop dead in their tracks. β€œWhat did you say” asked the chief. β€œTria-Gan” yelled frank again. Immediately the chief and his warriors turned and fled into the forest.

β€œHoly shit” said Bob β€œWhat did you just say and how did you know it would work?”

β€œWell” said Frank, β€œmy Mother always told me if at first you don’t suck seed try Tria-Gan.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/usernamemispeled
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2019
🚨︎ report
Dad joked my husband

On the night walk with our 2 pups. One is obsessed with toads and every item on the road is suspiciously inspected. Frequently a leaf is sniffed and nosed to encourage a leap. Tonight, a piece of gravel caught her eye with exuberant tailnub wagging! β€œOh pupper that isn’t sedentary; it’s sedimentary.”

Hope you like it too.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Aimlesskeek
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2019
🚨︎ report
When they ask if I'd like the soup or salad

I reply, "Yes, I'd love the super salad!"

πŸ‘︎ 100
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πŸ‘€︎ u/philsown
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2016
🚨︎ report
At 11:59:59, don't forget to stand-up and lift your left foot off the ground.

That way you start the new year off on the right foot!

πŸ‘︎ 239
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πŸ‘€︎ u/brewingcode
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2017
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the two guys who stole a calendar?

They each got six months.

πŸ‘︎ 239
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πŸ‘€︎ u/swimneko
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2016
🚨︎ report
I'm in the business of religious skydiving..

Prophets are falling

πŸ‘︎ 73
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hypeting
πŸ“…︎ Jul 11 2013
🚨︎ report
My dad can string this joke out forever. I've seen it go for 20 minutes.

A man gets a new job at the zoo.

On his first day, he still doesn't really understand what exactly he's meant to do, just that it involves the Gorillas. He goes and checks in and the manager sits him down to explain.

"Now look," says the manager, "We've been having some troubles lately with our gorilla. He was acting up, getting really agitated with the environment, so we had to send him away. We told the people that enclosure's being repaired, but we're actually looking for a new gorilla - can you do it for us?"

The man is unsure, but he needs the money, so he agrees, puts on a gorilla suit and goes out there. At first he's a bit mopey, so he sits around a lot.

After a couple of days he begins to warp up and eats a couple of bananas and wanders around a little.

Over the course of the next few weeks he becomes progressively more outgoing, moving around, playing in the jungle gym, hollering around and beating his chest. He's a big hit and everything's going really well for him, until one day he's on his monkey bars and getting really into it, but he slips and flies through the air, over the pit, clears the fence and lands in a pile of bushes in the next enclosure.

He is just beginning to pick himself up, when out of the corner of his eye, he sees something in the foliage.

A pair of eyes lock with his.

It moves closer.

He knows this is it.

He begins to pray.

Suddenly the creature leaps and tackles him - the biggest, ugliest lion he's ever seen!

It leans in close.

He can see every gleaming tooth in it's mouth

He can smell the lion's breath

It opens it's mouth

And from inside the lion he hears a whisper.

"Make this good or we'll both lose our jobs."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Toggle2
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2013
🚨︎ report
Didn't realize it was a Dad Joke until too late...

A little context: I'm driving around in Yellowstone with my dad and my girlfriend. My dad went on a three week cross country ski winter camping trip when he was 17 in Yellowstone. We are currently talking about whether or not it is important to carry bear spray.

Dad: "Did I ever tell you about that time I woke up a bear on my ski trip?"

Me: "What?! No, that's crazy, what happened?"

Dad: "Well, we were skiing through an open field when we hear a rumbling from about 100 yards behind us, and we turn back and there's a huge bear, and he looks at us and starts lumbering in our direction. At the time, I was with this girl who was not a very good skier, but we were pretty sure black bears can't climb trees, so we start hustling towards the woods. So I'm pulling her along and this bear is gaining on us but we get to the closest climbable tree and the bear is still 50 yards back. Like I said, she wasn't a very good skier, or really very coordinated in general, so I help boost her up into the tree and she's up there and she's pretty safe, but this took a minute and a lot of my energy. So now the bear is only about 15 feet away, and I've still got my skis on, and, you know, back then we didn't have fancy cross country skis, we had these big metal cable bindings and leather lace up boots, so I definitely don't have time to get them off. And I'm so exhausted from dragging this girl across the field and then shoving her up into the tree that I've got almost nothing left, and the first branch is about 8 feet off the ground. But this bear is coming at me and there's nothing I can do but jump for it, so I leap and pull myself up and over the branch using everything I've got right as the bear lunges for me and bites into my ski boot. So here I am, doubled over this branch with a bear's jaws on my foot, my skis on, and not one ounce of energy left, and he's really sinking his teeth in and he's really just pulling my leg just like I'm pulling yours!"

πŸ‘︎ 242
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pipore22
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2014
🚨︎ report
What would have been different if Mexico were first to the Moon?

It's Juan small step for a man, Juan giant leap for mankind!

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hacklife
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2017
🚨︎ report
So India have sent a rocket to Mars.

It's one small step for naan, one giant leap for naankind.

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FullSexWithAWoman
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2013
🚨︎ report
A couple of dogs were sitting in the kitchen chewing the fat. First dog says, β€œI heard a good joke today.” Second dog replies, β€œGo on then.” First dog continues, β€œKnock Kno..."

Second dog leaps up and goes berserk...

πŸ‘︎ 33
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2019
🚨︎ report

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