Did you just jump off of a diving board?

🎢 877 SPLASH NOW 🎢

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πŸ‘€︎ u/synexo
πŸ“…︎ May 25 2021
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Talking with my brother: β€œHey remember when we would see how far we could jump off the staircase?”

β€œThat just sounds like leaping off ledges with extra steps”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ovrlymm
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2020
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A physicist sees a man about to jump off of the Empire State Building...

He yells,” Don’t do it, you have too much potential”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MCVeteran69
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2020
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Why did the nickel jump off the building but the dime didn’t?

Dime had more cents

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jermz12345
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2018
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Did you hear about the guy who jumps off moving trains?

He's going off the rails

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hdeifh
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2019
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one time i threatened to jump off a cliff but it was just a bluff
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jbhelms
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2018
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Back when I was in France, I witnessed a man jump off of a bridge.

He was totally in Seine.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sir_Soft_Spoken
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2019
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What do you call your children's children's children's children if they jump off of a cliff?

Your descendants.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/WheresTheWombo
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2016
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What do you call someone who jumps off a bridge in Paris?

Inseine

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πŸ‘€︎ u/firesofpompeii
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2016
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A bowling ball jumps off a roof...

Looking among the pieces of shattered bowling ball, the Physicist in the crowd regretfully said, "He had so much potential..."

I know I know. I'm not a dad but I teach physics and I've never made up a joke before.... X/post from jokes.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jigbaa
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2015
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Pete and Repeat were walking on a bridge. Pete jumped off. Who is left?
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RicoCat
πŸ“…︎ May 25 2021
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What was the frog doing jumping off the bridge?

Kermitting suicide.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2021
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Why is riding a bike, jumping off, then riding a bike again good for the environment?

Because its recycling.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/OliPark
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2021
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Three men were onboard a ship playing dice on deck when the oldest man angrily jumped off the front of the boat. The younger man said..

You keeled my father. Prepare two die.

*I sent this to my brother and he replies: Was his name Inyougo?

^(What a freaking professional)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/calvinweight
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2021
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A German tourist jumped off to the freezing water to save my precious dog who was drowning.

After he climbed out he said, "Here is ze dog, dry him off and he vill be fine." I said, "Are you a vet?" To which he replied, annoyed; "Vet? I'm fucking zoaking."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/im_not_geih
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2020
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Some people have jumped off of something and died

They jumped to a conclusion and made an impact

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BasementSkeleton
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2020
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My friend texted me saying he jumped off a tower, I said yeah right...

He says β€˜I’m dead serious!’

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πŸ‘€︎ u/OttoTheGeezer
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2020
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Pavlov is sitting at the bar, drinking a beer, when suddenly the phone rings. β€œOh shit!” he yells, jumping off the stool.

β€œI forgot to feed the dog!”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Konamicoder
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2020
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A pirate walks in a bar with a peg leg, a hook for a hand and an eyepatch

The bar tender says β€œwow how’d you get that peg leg?” The pirate says one day I was out sailing and a shark jumped aboard and tore it clean off” next the bartender asks β€œand the hook? How’d you get that?” The pirate responds β€œwell we were out whaling and one leapt out of the water and bit my hand clean off” the bartender then asks, β€œok so what about the eyepatch??” The pirate responds β€œI was out walking on the deck of my ship when I looked up and a seagull shit right in my eye” the bartender is a bit confused and says β€œthat made you lose your eye?” β€œNo” says the pirate β€œit was my first day with the hook!”

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πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2021
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If someone commits suicide by jumping off a building

did they kill themselves a-ledge-dly?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Roktyv
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2019
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I tried jumping off of a cliff yesterday

I don't think he was up for a grown man jumping off his shoulders.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hairy_Swinger
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2019
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Betting on the man jumping off a ledge

Two clowns were watching the late evening news. The current news story was about a man up on a ledge and threatening to jump. The station then cut to a commercial.

The first clown said, β€œI bet you $20 he’s going to jump.”

The second clown repliedΒ  β€œOkay, it’s a bet!”

(Back to newscast.) The man jumped.

The second clown, being a good sport, pulled out a twenty dollar bill and handed it to the other clown. β€œOkay. Here’s my $20.”

However, the first clown refused, saying β€œNo, I can’t take it.”

The second clown replied, β€œI insist. I lost the bet fair and square.”

The first clown said, β€œI have a confession to make. I saw the same thing on the 6:00 news and knew he jumped. So it wasn’t really a fair bet.”

But the second clown replied, β€œI know. I saw the same newscast. But I didn’t think he would be stupid enough to jump twice!”

http://bestcleanfunnyjokes.com/betting-on-the-man-jumping-off-a-ledge/

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tfraymond
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2019
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We were in awe when a man jumped off the Eiffel Tower...

That was, until we saw his parischute

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πŸ‘€︎ u/delo357
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2019
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What did the Frenchman who jumped off of a skyscraper say?

β€œEiffel”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/metalsgt90
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2019
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If you ever see money jumping off a cliff, don't go after it. Everyone says, it is very hard to save money.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/shagminer
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2019
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What happened when I jumped off a famous building in France?

Eiffel

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jmang00
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2017
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A river was depressed and jumped off a cliff. After years of this occurring I asked....

Water you doing?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MexElf
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2019
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A man can fly

So there was a man and woman at a bar. The man says "I bet you 5 bucks this magic water will make me fly!" the woman clearly didn't believe him so she accepted the bet. Sure enough the man jumps off the roof and flies for a bit until he gently goes back to the ground. The girl was amazed! She said "You should market this stuff." "You could make millions!" Still in shock she asks for a drink. She takes a swig and a small crowd forms because this girl is about to jump off of a building. She jumps off and falls onto the pavement. The guy is laughing his head off. Suddenly someone shouts from the crowd "You're a mean drunk superman!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JoesMemories
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21 2021
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When I visited Paris, I jumped off a bridge.

They told me I was in Seine.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/anyeyeball
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2018
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What did the mirror say when it jumped off the wall?

"I crack myself up."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/_otterinabox
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2016
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I was at a soccer game, when a fan jumped onto the field dressed as a player. He was chased off.

Now here’s the real kicker.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JaywalkingCat
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2018
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A guy goes for a drive and his car stalls...

...right in front of a house where there’s a huge party going on. He walks in and notices that the party is somewhat divided. There’s a clear distinction between the people waiting for the bathroom and the people queued up for drinks, etc.

Considering the urgency of the bathroom queue, he walks over to the drinks table and asks everyone there if they wouldn’t mind helping him push his car to get it started. They agree but even with the full might of several people, the car doesn’t budge. He thanks them for trying and they all head back inside.

A little while later, the doorbell rings. The man sees the host open the door to the largest pizza guy he’s ever seen. The behemoth is holding 15 pizzas with one hand, a pallet of buffalo wings with the other, with a keg strapped to each shoulder. The man jumps up and asks the pizza guy for his help pushing the car. He agrees and they head to the street.

With barely one touch of a pinky on one hand, the car lurches forward and starts right up. The man drives off, waving behind him and yelling a quick, β€œThank you.”

As he catches sight of the party fading into the distance, he says to himself...

β€œThank goodness for the delivery because that punch line sure is weak.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/silashoulder
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2020
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Did you hear about the guy who jumped off of the Empire State Building and fell through a manhole? (X-Post /r/meanjokes)

He commited sewercide

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HybridSpacePanda
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2015
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the puppy test

Before you let your kids get a puppy, take the Puppy Test.

Best taken in the autumn or mid winter.

  1. Buy a lead and tie it to a big stone, walk around dragging the stone behind you.
  2. Get up at 5am, go out in the pouring rain and walk up and down a muddy path, repeating good girl/boy, wee wees...poo poos, quickly please
  3. Stuff your pockets with plastic bags and pick up all the poo you can find, obviously not your dogs as you have not bought it yet ??
  4. Start wearing your shoes indoors, especially during muddy times
  5. Collect leaves off the ground and spread them on the floor
  6. Carry sticks and branches indoors and chop them up on your carpet
  7. Pour cold apple juice on the rug and floor....walk barefooted over it in the dark
  8. Drop some chocolate pudding on your carpet in the morning and then try to clean it in the evening
  9. Wear socks to which you have made holes using a blender
  10. Jump out of your favorite chair just before the movie ends and run to open the back door
  11. Cover all your best clothes with dog hair, dark clothes with blond hairs and light clothes with dark hairs
  12. Tip all just ironed clothes on the floor
  13. Make little pin holes in all your furniture, especially chair and table legs
  14. When doing dishes, splash water all over the place and don't wipe it.
  15. Spread toilet paper all over the house when you leave the house and tidy up when you get back home
  16. Forget any impulse holidays and/or breaks
  17. Always go straight home after work or school
  18. Go for walks no matter what the weather, and inspect every dirty paper, chewing gum and dead fly you might find
  19. Stand at your back door at five in the morning shouting, "Bring Mr Bumble and Mr Lion in, its raining.”
  20. Wake up at 3am. Place a correct size bag of flour on top of yourself and try to sleep, whilst wiping your face with a dishcloth, which you have left next to your bed in a bowl last week.
    Repeat everyday over 6 months and if you still think getting a puppy sounds like a good idea, Congratulations, you might be ready for your kids to get your puppy.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/specklesinc
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2020
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This story is about a man called Trevor, and his obsession with tractors.

Trevor loved tractors. And I mean, really loved tractors. Forget any obsessions or high-level interests you may have, chances are they pale in the face of Trevor’s love for tractors.

Every day Trevor would get up, in his tractor-themed bedroom in his tractor-themed house, with its tractor-themed wallpaper and tractor-themed carpets, and he would make his bed with its tractor-themed duvet and tractor-themed sheets. He would go downstairs in his tractor-themed pajamas into his tractor-themed kitchen, with its tractor-themed tiles and cupboards, and he would eat his breakfast while perusing the latest tractor-themed magazine or annual.

Trevors’s degree in Agricultural Engineering hung on his living room wall, along with a copy of his thesis, which centred around (you guessed it) tractors. The living room was decorated with all sorts of tractor-related trinkets, including die-cast models, paintings and drawings.

The hedges in Trevor’s front garden were trimmed in the shape of tractors. His lawn was vividly decorated with tractor-driving garden gnomes, and his garden furniture was constructed from various parts from vintage tractor designs.

Trevor just had one thing missing from his otherwise tractor-centric life; he had never actually owned, nor driven, a real tractor.

Not for his lack of trying, of course. Trevor had been to many tractor shows over the years, and visited many farms with friends of his, but none of the tractors he had seen had ever been quite right. Trevor was so knowledgeable about tractors that every single one he had come across had possessed some hidden trait that he wasn’t keen on. His first experience of driving a real tractor had to be perfect.

One day, Trevor was flicking through one of his favourite publications, Powertrain Quarterly, when there was a knock at the door. Trevor answered, and it was his friend and fellow tractor enthusiast, Jeff.

Trevor welcomed Jeff in, and over tea and crumpets served on tractor-themed crockery, they discussed the merits of aluminium drawbars and front-end loaders. Eventually Trevor pressed Jeff to explain the reason for his visit.

β€œWell” said Jeff, β€œAs I’m sure you know the convention comes to town later”.

The convention. Trevor had been thinking of little else the past three weeks. The neighbouring town annually threw a convention for farmers, particularly farmyard machinery. There would be combine harvesters, lawnmowers, and of course, tractors.

β€œYes of course” replied Trevor

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ShredderSte
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
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Since moving to Finland I’ve become addicted to winter sports

It started off with sledging which has finally lead to ski jumping. It’s a real slippery slope

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πŸ‘€︎ u/stiltonfondu
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2020
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A physicist sees a yound men who wants to jump off the Empire State Building.

He yells: β€œDon't jump! You have so much potential!”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LunorVoHarden
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2019
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A physicist sees a young man about to jump off the Empire State building.

"Don't do it!!" he yelled. "You have so much potential!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/derawin08
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2017
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A man wanted to jump off a building

A scientist who was there yelled at him: Don't, you have so much potential!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bladexp210
πŸ“…︎ Mar 22 2018
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A man wanted to jump off a building

A scientist who was there yelled at him: Don't, you have so much potential!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bladexp210
πŸ“…︎ Mar 22 2018
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A german tourist jumped in the freezing water to save my dog. After he climbed out, he said, β€œhere is ze dog, dry him off and keep him warm, he vill be fine. I asked him, β€œare you a vet?”

He said, β€œvet? I’m fucking soaking”

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rohanlahiri05
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2020
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