When a ghost opens a bank vault by itself...

Its a poulterheist

... I’ve been playing too much phasmophobia

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 06
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I took my girlfriend to a vault once.

This was before I learned the true meaning of β€œsafe sex.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jlionbad
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2020
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I tried to rob a bank but the vault was covered in a thin layer of aluminum

Needless to say, my plans were foiled

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ElizaWolf8
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2020
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Did you hear about the man who invented a more efficient way to set up the high jump and pole vault?

He raised the bar.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/trimofdoom
πŸ“…︎ May 26 2020
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I just ordered a vault and loudspeaker online

They just arrived. Safe and sound

Found this on a text message from someone's actual dad

πŸ‘︎ 217
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mounis11
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2019
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I once tried to vault a bin, but my hands went right in.

I felt rubbish.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/judansuki
πŸ“…︎ Apr 07 2019
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Salt can vault!?
πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sheeepie2
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2018
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I just sold a house with ferns throughout and a safe in the attic

The buyers loved that it was fully fernished with a vaulted ceiling

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MLaBolle
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2020
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I used to be a banker

But I lost interest.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheMiniDuck
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2019
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If you happen to find beaver obstructions inside a secure safe, let me know.

That’s my own dam vault.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NauticallyNifty
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2018
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What do you call a soft drink readying for the apocalypse?

Dr. Prepper

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BrokenMasterpiece
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2014
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What did the bank say when it got robbed?

Sorry, it's my vault.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/alwerence
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2017
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What do you call a safe inside another safe?

a re-vault

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Scoob1978
πŸ“…︎ May 26 2017
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I was helping my dad move stuff out of his storage unit when I came across a stack of metal rods.

Me: Dad, do you need these?

Dad (with a shit-eating grin): YES! In fact, I was going to put them in the bank. Then it would be a pole vault!

Bonus rebuttal! My husband (not a dad): Look, do you want us to help you or not?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/pollyatomic
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2014
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Instant Message Excerpt:

This is from an actual IM chat I had with someone a while back. This was all on impulse. Nothing was planned.

ME: The main reason you want a strong lock is not because they're unbreakable, but because your neighbor should be the easier target.

HIM: Ayup. Although if you want an impenetrable lock, might I recommend Benson's Black Hole Vaults?

ME: I'd want to be able to get my stuff out, again, too.

HIM: Wait long enough. It'll evaporate out.

ME: ... in the same state in which I deposited it in the vault.

HIM: Don't want much, do you?

ME: I could try to sell the stuff in its evaporated state ... But I don't like hawking radiation.

HIM: boo HISS

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Myntrith
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2015
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At the Bank

My girlfriend works at the bank. "Why is the vault so cold?" "Well because if the money gets warm it gets soft." "Really?" "Yeah. People want cold, hard cash."

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DrippingYellow
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2014
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