I took my girlfriend to a vault once.

This was before I learned the true meaning of β€œsafe sex.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jlionbad
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10
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Did you hear about the man who invented a more efficient way to set up the high jump and pole vault?

He raised the bar.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/trimofdoom
πŸ“…︎ May 26
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I just ordered a vault and loudspeaker online

They just arrived. Safe and sound

Found this on a text message from someone's actual dad

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mounis11
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2019
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I ordered a vault and a speaker off amazon

They arrived safe and sound

πŸ‘︎ 50
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πŸ‘€︎ u/iceforty
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2019
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I once tried to vault a bin, but my hands went right in.

I felt rubbish.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/judansuki
πŸ“…︎ Apr 07 2019
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I have a flawless pole vault record.

Bar none.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Benign_Banjo
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2018
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Salt can vault!?
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sheeepie2
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2018
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Three robbers enter a bank vault.

They end up getting trapped inside over night. The next morning the cops find them in the vault after being called in.

The detective at the scene notices the robbers had explosives with them and asks, "why did you not blow yourselves out to escape?"

To which one of the robbers replies, "it's better to be in safe than sorry"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/manikfox
πŸ“…︎ May 13 2018
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I used to be a banker

But I lost interest.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheMiniDuck
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2019
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If you happen to find beaver obstructions inside a secure safe, let me know.

That’s my own dam vault.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/NauticallyNifty
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2018
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What did the bank say when it got robbed?

Sorry, it's my vault.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/alwerence
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2017
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What do you call a safe inside another safe?

a re-vault

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Scoob1978
πŸ“…︎ May 26 2017
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What do you call a soft drink readying for the apocalypse?

Dr. Prepper

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BrokenMasterpiece
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2014
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I was helping my dad move stuff out of his storage unit when I came across a stack of metal rods.

Me: Dad, do you need these?

Dad (with a shit-eating grin): YES! In fact, I was going to put them in the bank. Then it would be a pole vault!

Bonus rebuttal! My husband (not a dad): Look, do you want us to help you or not?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/pollyatomic
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2014
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Instant Message Excerpt:

This is from an actual IM chat I had with someone a while back. This was all on impulse. Nothing was planned.

ME: The main reason you want a strong lock is not because they're unbreakable, but because your neighbor should be the easier target.

HIM: Ayup. Although if you want an impenetrable lock, might I recommend Benson's Black Hole Vaults?

ME: I'd want to be able to get my stuff out, again, too.

HIM: Wait long enough. It'll evaporate out.

ME: ... in the same state in which I deposited it in the vault.

HIM: Don't want much, do you?

ME: I could try to sell the stuff in its evaporated state ... But I don't like hawking radiation.

HIM: boo HISS

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Myntrith
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2015
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At the Bank

My girlfriend works at the bank. "Why is the vault so cold?" "Well because if the money gets warm it gets soft." "Really?" "Yeah. People want cold, hard cash."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DrippingYellow
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2014
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