Last night I had a dream that I ate a 50 lb marshmallow.

This morning I woke up and my pillow was gone.

Today is the 13th anniversary of my father passing and this was my favorite joke that he used to tell. Enjoy.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/james-macavoy
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2021
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My wife weighs exactly 300.00 lb.

She has a round figure.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sodomicity
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2020
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How did Mary know baby Jesus was 6 lbs. 3 oz. at birth?

She gave him a weigh in a manger.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CountMC10
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2020
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My wife and I lost 100 lbs combined!

She lost 120 lbs.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Coco46448
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2020
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I ran into Luke Combs today and I was talking to him about when I caught a 10 lb bass. He said I’m kinda in a hurry, nice to meet you tho.

So I told him it might not mean much to you but it does to me.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheProtecter
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2020
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Went to the local deli and ordered 1 lb of Swiss. The clerk gave me 3.5 lb instead.

I guess he went ham on that Swiss.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/vapingpigeon94
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2019
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Someone accidentally mailed me 10 lbs of pot yesterday. So I did the right thing and called the cops.

They just came by and picked up all 4 pounds.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2019
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I finished my first year of university, but I gained 34 lbs...

First it was the Freshman-15, then the Covid-19.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/1stdayof
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2020
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My 2020 New Year's resolution is to finish my 2019 resolution. My goal was to lose 10 lbs.

Only 25 pounds to go!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Talon184
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2020
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A chubby Mandalorian steps on the scale at the doctor's office. The nurse reads it and says, "215 lbs." Mando sternly replies "180 pounds..."

"this is the weigh."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/OK_Compooper
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2019
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I ordered about 2000 lbs of delicious Chinese soup

It was wonton

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Chateau512
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2019
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My cousin had a 400-lb dog.

It was a record setter.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/big_miniwheatz
πŸ“…︎ Aug 14 2018
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I just saw a man bench press 2000 lbs.

He really raised the bar

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Anthonybrose
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2019
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What do you call a 2000 lb Asian dumpling?

A one ton wonton.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jollyroger24
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2017
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What do you call a guy who lost 100 lbs?

A mass murderer

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bigelksJ
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2018
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Have you heard about the 100 lb midget with the 50 lb testicles?

He was half nuts

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πŸ‘€︎ u/slideplayer67
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2017
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I showed 2000 lbs of my things to my friend.

He said β€œWoah, that’s a ton of stuff!”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Carter16891
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2018
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Don't forget to set your scales back 10 lbs tonight!
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πŸ‘€︎ u/maybesco
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2015
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10 Ugly Lbs

Dad: Wanna know how to lose 10 ugly pounds really fast?...Cut off your head!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Frankonovich
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2013
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What do Chinese people call 2000 lbs...?

Wonton.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Popsiclesaucing
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2018
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