Prime Rib!
Doctor said I was a natural born liter
A big mistake!
Telegram
I thought, βWow! This speaks volumes.β
Cause you are 1 qt ;)
It's mini soda law.
Bonus joke: where are the trees in Minnesota?
Between da twos and da fours.
They had a weigh in a manger
If you look at the label for pierogies, they instead show the price per ogie.
Me (quietly): The Wizard of Ounces.
eggs get laid and you dont.
It's easy!
Dump, stir.
A parralelo-ounce
I mean, they only weigh like an ounce.
It's always off by a few ounces.
In America you can buy a square foot of bricks for around $8.50. There are 7 bricks in a square foot, meaning you are buying each brick for about a $1.21. Today one dollar is 0.75 pounds, so $1.21 is about 0.92 pounds, meaning for a full pound you can buy 1.087 bricks for about a pound. Each brick weighs 5 pounds, which means 1.087 bricks weighs 5.435 pounds. Now on the other hand you many buy 48 feathers for one dollar in America , considering that one dollar is 0.75 ponds, you could buy 64 feathers. with one pound. Each feather weighs around 0.0003 ounces, which multiplied by 64 is 0.0192 ounces , which is 0.0012 pounds. 5.435> 0.0012. There you have it a pound of bricks weighs more than a pound if feathers .
The Wizard of Lb
A tare-orist.
A little context: I'm driving around in Yellowstone with my dad and my girlfriend. My dad went on a three week cross country ski winter camping trip when he was 17 in Yellowstone. We are currently talking about whether or not it is important to carry bear spray.
Dad: "Did I ever tell you about that time I woke up a bear on my ski trip?"
Me: "What?! No, that's crazy, what happened?"
Dad: "Well, we were skiing through an open field when we hear a rumbling from about 100 yards behind us, and we turn back and there's a huge bear, and he looks at us and starts lumbering in our direction. At the time, I was with this girl who was not a very good skier, but we were pretty sure black bears can't climb trees, so we start hustling towards the woods. So I'm pulling her along and this bear is gaining on us but we get to the closest climbable tree and the bear is still 50 yards back. Like I said, she wasn't a very good skier, or really very coordinated in general, so I help boost her up into the tree and she's up there and she's pretty safe, but this took a minute and a lot of my energy. So now the bear is only about 15 feet away, and I've still got my skis on, and, you know, back then we didn't have fancy cross country skis, we had these big metal cable bindings and leather lace up boots, so I definitely don't have time to get them off. And I'm so exhausted from dragging this girl across the field and then shoving her up into the tree that I've got almost nothing left, and the first branch is about 8 feet off the ground. But this bear is coming at me and there's nothing I can do but jump for it, so I leap and pull myself up and over the branch using everything I've got right as the bear lunges for me and bites into my ski boot. So here I am, doubled over this branch with a bear's jaws on my foot, my skis on, and not one ounce of energy left, and he's really sinking his teeth in and he's really just pulling my leg just like I'm pulling yours!"
Ow!nces (ounces)
Me: Did you know a quarter pound is sometimes called a german rave?
Wife: What? Really?
Me: Yea! Ounce, ounce, ounce, ounce
Usage: I would like a german rave with cheese, no pickles
Me: "Wow, you can tell this isn't a Lite beer."
Dad picks up the beer and puts it back down
Dad: "Well yeah, it's 16 ounces!"
Girlfriends uncle was talking about a gym membership and goes yea I don't think I'll get one. Because I'll never get back to my original weight of 6 pounds 2 ounces.
I just got a package containing 25 ounces of silver in differently sized bullion coins. I was checking them out when my cat jumped up on the table, smelled the coin I was holding and then bit it for some reason.
I said "Whoa! he just bit it," as the cat ran away (probably not fun biting solid metal).
My dad glanced over and said, "So it's a Bitcoin?"
To preface, we work at a coffee shop. A somewhat picky customer comes up and orders a 16 ounce chai tea latte, with soy milk. My coworker tells me all of this, and that the customer would like the drink at exactly 140Β°F. I make the drink, and call it out to be picked up: "16 ounce soy milk chai!"
My coworker comes over and says, "Hopefully she likes it, I've had to remake her drink a couple times before." I replied with:
"Well I certainly chai-ed soy hard when I made it."
Eye rolling and groans all around while I grinned ear to ear.
One of my first jobs was at our local grocery store, where I was a cashier. Our store had those misting hoses that periodically would shower the produce items with water, so sometimes things were still wet when customers were checking out. My parents were shopping and of course came to my line to check out. I picked up a bag of vegetables, which happened to be leeks. One of the leeks must have been laying in the produce section perfectly upright because it had about 6 ounces of water in it and when I layed the bag down to type in the code, it all poured out of the bag all over the register. My dad proceeded to scream "we've got a leek!" loud enough that everyone around could hear. Other employees thought we had an actual problem and came rushing to my aid... Not one laugh could be heard..
Number 1 Dad: You ever seen a oooo-ahh bird? Me: No Dad: Its a little 2 ounce bird that lays a 2 pound egg and says oooo-ah.
Number 2 Dad: You ever seen a milermore bird? Me: I don't think so Dad: Its a bird that likes to stick his head up his ass and whistle.. You can hear the damn thing echo a mile or more.
Me: The Wizard of Oz
Policeman: Your FULL name...
Me: (quietly) the Wizard of ounces
