Boss: "what's that?", Me: (with much enthusiasm) "it's a SPACE BAR!!!!!" *wets myself laughing*, Boss: "...................." *delivers withering look* "are you allowed to stick things on your laptop?", Me: *dies inside at another badly landed pun*
π︎ 106
π
︎ Nov 16 2018
Landed a good I think while pressure washing today.
Me: Well son the driveway was long over due for a cleaning.
My son: oh yeah? Was it?
Me: I think evidence is pretty concrete!
He gave me the eye roll and head back, a win in my book.
π︎ 36
π
︎ Dec 21 2020
In a freak accident today, a photographer was killed when a huge lump of cheddar landed on him.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn him.
π︎ 235
π
︎ Oct 09 2020
Landed a simultaneous chemistry joke and dad joke
My wife drove by with the kids and visited me at work. While I was saying hi, this happened:
Wife: You have some silly kids in here.
Me: And in here [indicate my lab], I have some sili-cates!
π︎ 7
π
︎ Dec 15 2020
What did the musician play that landed him in jail?
π︎ 5
π
︎ Nov 11 2020
Why didnβt the passengers receive flowers when their plane landed in Hawaii?
Their flight was deleied.
π︎ 4
π
︎ Dec 02 2020
Well that crash landed
π︎ 6k
π
︎ Apr 21 2020
Did you know that Apollo 11 landed in the wrong place?
The shuttle was low on fuel, so Armstrong has to take manual control of it to find them a safer place to land, landing 4 miles away from where they intended to.
The scientists behind it were very Apollo-getic.
π︎ 21
π
︎ Oct 11 2020
Daughter asked, βWhy am I named Rose?β Its because a rose landed on you shortly after you were born. My other daughter asked, β Why am I named Daisy?β It is because a daisy landed on your head after you were born.
My son asked, β Why is my name Richard?β
π︎ 2
π
︎ Sep 06 2020
What did the fawning plane propeller say to the pilot once they had landed?
π︎ 3
π
︎ Aug 30 2020
Landed this in a text message thread to my SO
SO (at the market) : What kind of coffee beans do you want?
Me: Anything that doesn't say dark roast
SO: OMG! Hold the phone, I may have found something amazing!
Me: Fun fact, I am already holding the phone.
π︎ 8
π
︎ Aug 16 2020
Did you hear about the fly that landed in a soda?
It was a soft drink heβs alright.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Aug 07 2020
I just landed a job at a local Asian restaurant.
All I had to do was wok in for my interview!
π︎ 5
π
︎ Jul 27 2020
I hear that Neil Armstrong was very comfortable when he landed on the Moon.
And from the pictures I saw, his suit does seem like it has a lot of space inside
π︎ 3
π
︎ Jun 20 2020
A suspicious looking spacecraft landed on Earth to bring back to life ray-finned fish. But one spacecraft wasn't sufficient, so more arrived.
I think it was extra to restore eels
π︎ 11
π
︎ May 01 2020
A mosquito landed on my wife's face...
Easiest decision of my life.
π︎ 33
π
︎ Jan 15 2020
I flipped a coin 15 times and it always landed on tails.
I'm starting to think that it's more than just a coin-cidence.
π︎ 19
π
︎ Jan 02 2020
A hawk landed on my head yesterday
It was perfect because I thought I needed some mohawk.
π︎ 9
π
︎ Feb 27 2020
I just landed a small supporting role in an upcoming movie about the COVID-19 pandemic.
I guess you could say I'm going to be a Corona Extra.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Mar 17 2020
A fly landed on the edge of a urinal and fell in.
π︎ 4
π
︎ Feb 09 2020
Mama fly and baby fly were hanging out at the coronerβs office. The coroner was enjoying a sandwich while he performed an autopsy. Baby fly landed on the sandwich as the coroner took a bite. Mama fly jumped into action and hit the man in the eye and baby fly escaped out of his mouth.
. Mama fly looked into baby flyβs eyes and said,
βNobody puts baby in a coronerβ
π︎ 33
π
︎ Oct 11 2019
What do you call extraterrestrials thatve crash-landed their vehicle?
π︎ 3
π
︎ Feb 07 2020
Do you know where the first bovine astronauts landed?
π︎ 36
π
︎ Jun 22 2019
The joke has landed
π︎ 45
π
︎ Apr 12 2019
Ξ man fell into a coma today when a pile of books landed on his head.
The authorities report that the man had only his shelf to blame.
π︎ 9
π
︎ Sep 11 2019
My daughter dropped her pill and it landed on my foot
I said "don't worry hun, you're a foot closer to taking it"
π︎ 8
π
︎ Sep 02 2019
Why haven't aliens landed on Earth yet?
They saw our review. 1 star
π︎ 54
π
︎ Jun 07 2019
I accidentally spilt a half bottle of laundry detergent. It landed in a conveniently placed bucket tho!
I was able to turn the tide.
π︎ 6
π
︎ Sep 05 2019
I met Buzz Aldrin once and asked how he felt being the second man on the moon. "Well..." he said. "It could have been anyone. Right up until we landed, we hadn't decided who would be first out the door. Then, once we touched down, Neil suggested we flip for it."
"And he won?" I asked.
"Well, no..." he mumbled. "The coin was still in the air when Neil jumped down the ladder, the big jerk!"
π︎ 60
π
︎ Jun 19 2018
I was taking my kids trick or treating along a dark country road, on a moonless Halloween night, when all of a sudden, a vampire swooped down from the darkness and landed right in front of us!
My daughter shrieked,"Quick dad, show him your cross!"
Without a second thought, I shouted, "YOU LEAVE US ALONE YOU BIG MEAN OLD VAMPIRE!!"
π︎ 237
π
︎ Oct 31 2017
I grabbed a treebranch and threw it in the air.When it landed it lodged itself into the soil perpendicular to the ground.
I knew it would stick the landing.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Apr 12 2019
Last night, my wife texted me to tell me she landed.
I told her I thought that was the pilot's job.
π︎ 2k
π
︎ Oct 14 2014
I saw someone out near the runway taking a picture of my plane as it landed...
It was an in descent exposure
π︎ 6
π
︎ Jan 05 2019
I asked my dad what Buzz Aldrin said when they landed on the moon?
He said "there's no way a cow is jumping over this".
π︎ 104
π
︎ Nov 22 2017
I landed a job at a company that prints oversized novelty dollar bills
I'm making big money there
π︎ 9
π
︎ Oct 25 2018
The floods had subsided, and Noah had safely landed his ark on Mount Sinai. "Go forth and multiply!" he told the animals...
...and so off they went two by two, and within a few weeks Noah heard the chatter of tiny monkeys, the snarl of tiny tigers and the stomp of baby elephants.
Then he heard something he didn't recognise⦠a loud, revving buzz coming from the woods. He went in to find out what strange animal's offspring was making this noise, and discovered a pair of snakes wielding a chainsaw.
"What on earth are you doing?" he cried. "You're destroying the trees!"
"Well Noah," the snakes replied, "we tried to multiply as you bade us, but we're adders⦠so we have to use logs."
π︎ 25
π
︎ Feb 01 2018
Did you hear about the Frenchman that fell off his roof, but landed in a pile of baguettes?
He survived, but he's in a lot of pain.
π︎ 34
π
︎ Jul 02 2017
I landed in a city full of lights
It wasnβt the real deal but it was par-ish
π︎ 3
π
︎ Sep 29 2018
Landed this on the 'Genius' in the Apple store...
Took my iMac in because the hard disc failed. The machine is 6 yrs old so I was made to feel embarrassed coz it was 'vintage and obsolete, Apple don't carry parts and can't help'. I was becoming a bit pissed off at the attitude I was getting then more pissed off when Mr Genius started to tell me to buy some suction pads that glaziers use to carry sheets of glass around, pull out the screen, undo 18 screws etc etc to change the disc myself. That's when I hit him with...
"Glaziers' suction pads? I thought they were only compatible with windows"
He didn't even flinch. Just completely ignored it and carried on sneering at me for having the audacity to be using an old machine. I left feeling like a piece of shit with only pride in my joke keeping me going.
π︎ 43
π
︎ Jan 01 2016
Why didn't the passengers receive flowers when their plane landed in Hawaii?
π︎ 190
π
︎ Oct 19 2016
I met Buzz Aldrin once and asked how he felt being the second man on the moon. "Well..." he said. "It could have been anyone. Right up until we landed, we hadn't decided who would be first out the door."
"Then, once we touched down, Neil suggested we toss for it."
"And he won?" I said.
"Well, no." he mumbled. "The coin was still in the air when Neil jumped down the ladder, the jerk."
π︎ 2
π
︎ Feb 05 2019
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