Kilted Puns

The doctor says I can clearly see your nuts

Kilted Northern

You could put an aye out, or worse yet, get kilt.

I'm going to be an ascot

‘Cause I “kilt” the last guy who called it a skirt.

Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.

Cause goats can hear a zipper a mile away.

A bell tower!

Because God knows what happened to the last guy that called it a skirt.

It damn nearly kilt him...

He was kilt.

Scotch whiskey.

He nearly kilt me. I poked him in the aye in defense.

The girl asks, “is it true that there’s nothing under that kilt of yours?” The Scotsman replies, “why don’t you reach under and see for yourself?” The girl reaches under his kilt and quickly removes her hand. “Dear god, that’s gruesome!”

The Scotsman replied back “Aye, and if you reach up under there again, you’ll see it’s gruesome more.”

When I was about 5 years old, my dad told the greatest dad joke. He’d be driving the family through our neighborhood and would say “Look! A man wearing a dress!” My siblings and I would look around and laugh with my dad. We loved when he would say this (it was like an absurd scavenger hunt) but my mother absolutely hated it. “Where? What are you talking about Tom?!” She actually got angry since she couldn’t see the man wearing a dress either. Since he would do this on a semi-regular basis to make us laugh, it became a problem with my mom and she ended up getting so angry as to forbid him saying it ever again.

I never really understood what was going on since I was so young, but I really missed the man wearing a dress joke. At one point, I thought the joke referenced a nearby business with a kilted man for a mascot. A few years ago, I asked my dad what the joke was.

“Oh! It wasn’t the sign,” he told me. “We had a family in the neighborhood with the last name ‘Manwaring’. When we would drive by their house, I’d point at their mailbox and say ‘Look, a Manwaring address!’”

I was too young to read at the time so it took 20 years to be in on his brilliant pun.

A Scotsman wears a kilt and Walt Disney’

The police are still searching for the person who kilt him.

I wonder if he was kilt

I was at the Oregon Shakespeare Festival waiting for “Macbeth” to begin and next to me this Dad says conversationally to his family, “You know, It makes sense that this play is set in Scotland... after all they mostly get kilt”

His family groaned and I gave him props for the Dad joke in the wild.

He kilt himself

(From r/3AmJokes)

They totally kilt it.

It's a Celt kilt cult.

Kilt.

He totally kilt it.

You might get kilt.

It’s tragic. He was kilt.

He kilt himself.

Wrote it myself.

Because the grass tickles their balls under their kilts.

Him: "I'll be wearing the same kilt as the groom."

Me: "Really? How are you both going too fit in there?"

...I think I really kilt it with that one.

Some say he was kilt.

There was a Scottish man wearing a kilt and a curious girl who kept asking the man what was under his kilt, finally after the constant pestering the man lifted his kilt.

Girl: Oh god that's gruesome

Man: Do you want to see it again? I think it gruesome-more.

Oh god why pop why?

My nephew doesn't like to wear underwear. His dad's name is Scott.

Dad: Ya know the Scottish don't wear underwear beneath their kilts. I wonder if [nephew] is Scottish. Me: He is Scott...ish

Because ewe’s can hear a zipper from a mile away.

You could get kilt.

A Scotsman wears a kilt and Walt Disney.

A Scotsman wears a kilt and Walt Disney.

A Scotsman wears a kilt and Walt Disney!

Or, worse yet, get kilt.

Because it can get you kilt!

Or worse yet, get kilt.

They kilt it.