What did the skirt do when it was in court?

It pleated guilty.

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📅︎ Jan 11
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A girl told me to take off her shirt and skirt

Then she told me to take off her heels and bra, then she told me to take her panties off. And then she told me to stop wearing her clothes

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👤︎ u/yuri-123
📅︎ Aug 18 2020
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I angered the Scottish guy by making fun of his skirt...

He nearly kilt me. I poked him in the aye in defense.

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👤︎ u/thomasbrakeline
📅︎ May 15 2020
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A gust of wind blew my wife’s skirt up during our trip to France

That certainly wasn’t the Eiffel I was expecting

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👤︎ u/Wxlson
📅︎ Apr 12 2020
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My girl and I used to iron her skirts and my dress pants together...

She pleated with me.

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👤︎ u/thomasbrakeline
📅︎ Nov 05 2019
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Why did Marilyn Monroe'd skirt blow up when we met?

Because I'm a huge fan

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👤︎ u/Dagusiu
📅︎ May 17 2019
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A man walks into a psychiatrist clinic wearing nothing but a plastic wrap skirt...

Doctor says: " I can clearly see you're nuts."

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👤︎ u/joe2u2
📅︎ Apr 07 2019
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A good conversation is like a skirt. Short enough to keep your interest, but long enough to cover the subject.
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👤︎ u/AeroStormore
📅︎ Jul 15 2018
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The inventor of the ballet skirt was having trouble finding a name for it...

But then he put tu and tu together.

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👤︎ u/snowmansni
📅︎ Jan 27 2018
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Skirt steak
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👤︎ u/B0Boman
📅︎ Apr 18 2016
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Did you hear about the scottsman that hung himself with a skirt?

He kilt himself.

Wrote it myself.

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👤︎ u/stets
📅︎ Apr 25 2015
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Dress code
👍︎ 4k
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👤︎ u/hwhouston517
📅︎ Oct 31 2020
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Historically, the Scottish fought off a British Invasion force 20x as big as their own

The British were simply out-plaid

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📅︎ Jun 29 2020
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I got home from work and our parrot said, "Don't tell my husband", which I thought was rather suspicious.

So I walked upstairs to my wife, whose lipstick was smudged, her skirt a mess.

I said, "Honey, I never knew our parrot was gay."

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👤︎ u/TommehBoi
📅︎ Sep 02 2020
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WHAT DO WE WANT??! RACE CAR NOISES!!! WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?!!

Neeeeeeooooooowwwwww

👍︎ 2k
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👤︎ u/adamj91
📅︎ Apr 15 2019
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Dress Code
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👤︎ u/pun420
📅︎ Jun 15 2018
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What does a house wear?

Address

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👤︎ u/deepfriedtwix
📅︎ Jan 16 2018
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Why do they call it a kilt?

‘Cause I “kilt” the last guy who called it a skirt.

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👤︎ u/TheManicMonocle
📅︎ Jun 07 2019
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My dad told me that his bed was a woman.

Because it's a queen and always wears a skirt.

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👤︎ u/Challengedildo
📅︎ Mar 08 2019
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Do you know why you call it a kilt ?

Because God knows what happened to the last guy that called it a skirt.

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👤︎ u/Miyazasteinn
📅︎ Oct 06 2018
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Senior sex

The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you." Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!" A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

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👤︎ u/Dan_the_Man0904
📅︎ Jul 21 2017
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Pillowcases

I recently purchased a new bed and had the joy of trying to find all the necessary accessories for a California King bed. After spending a full Sunday with my girlfriend bouncing around different home stores, we finally have all the sheets, duvet covers and bed skirts we need. We've assembled our new frame and I start putting the bedding on our mattress. I'm struggling with getting everything put on and call out, "uh oh, I think we got some phony pillow cases."

Fear and anxiety paint her face as she rushes over and asks "what's wrong?!"

I quip back at her, "yeah, this thing is a sham!"

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👤︎ u/payne_train
📅︎ Aug 06 2018
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Dad pulled this xmas tree-themed dadjoke on my mom today

Mom: "Dave, can you help me put the tree skirt on?"

Dad: "Sure, but I don't think it will fit you"

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📅︎ Dec 23 2013
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Why my uncle is not allowed in church anymore

You know there's a lot of standing up and sitting down during services. When my uncle stood up, the woman in front of him turned around and slapped him in the face. And then she did it again. I heard he was then banned from church.

Later on I asked him what had happened and he said, "Well, when we stood up, I noticed her skirt was in a wedgie so I pulled it out. Then she slapped me. So I put it back."

And that is why my uncle is not allowed in church anymore.

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👤︎ u/lugasamom
📅︎ Apr 06 2014
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My First One on wife and daughter

The family and I stopped in at local store to buy some things. Driving home from store I hear an "oh no!" from the back seat. My daughter was holding a new bottle of bleach on her lap and I guess the lid wasn't on tight and it spilled a little on her skirt. We get home and she and my wife are working diligently on trying to prevent any stains from forming on her black skirt.

Me: "I hope you understand if I say I hope things don't turn out all white"

Wife: disgusted and odd stare in my direction.

Daughter: "What?"

They continued to ignore me the rest of the evening. I guess I failed; or maybe succeeded.

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👤︎ u/dadof4girls
📅︎ Feb 23 2015
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Persecuted for a holey dadjoke

GF: I wear this skirt so much I think it's getting holes in it.

Me: I see two big holes in it.

GF: Where?!

Me: (points) Right at the bottom and right at the top

GF: (punches me)

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👤︎ u/jtskywalker
📅︎ Jul 03 2014
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My brother in law my be a father...

My sister realized her dog tore the old skirt that goes under the Christmas tree and was talking about buying a new one.

Her: You and I can buy a new skirt tomorrow.

Him: I don't know, I'm more of a pants kind of guy.

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👤︎ u/domsquad
📅︎ Nov 29 2014
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My best dad joke yet to my wife while she was making Halloween costumes for the kids

This afternoon my wife was sewing Halloween costumes for the kids. My daughter is going to be her favorite Disney character, and my wife asks me how long I think the skirt should be.

Me: "Well, you are making a Minnie skirt!"

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👤︎ u/InspectorX
📅︎ Oct 19 2014
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My Dad responded to me pointing out his dad joke. Plus some knot humor.

Explaining how I learned to tie knots to work a high ropes course over text message

Me: It's nice and meditative, although it's frustrating not knowing how to dress a knot properly for awhile.

Eagle Scout Dad: You mean in a skirt? Or pants?

Me: Dad. You just dad joked me.

Eagle Scout Dad: Someone named Dad has to do it sometimes. Can't always be a meme.

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👤︎ u/cyclicalthought
📅︎ Feb 04 2014
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